Royal Pains

by Frost E Bear

The Master Plan

The Master Plan

“Finally!” Celestia declared, “After a millennium of careful study, brutal espionage, and dedicated research, I finally have all I need to fulfill my thousand years old goal!”

Luna rolled her eyes at her sister’s over dramatic speech to no one in particular.

“I’m finally going to have REAL friends!” Celestia galloped with joy.

“Tis a wonderful time to celebrate,” Luna snidely snickered, “I had thought you got along well with the nobility.”

Celestia blew raspberries, “Oh Luna, you know as well as I do that the nobility is full of stuck up hoof lickers doing all they can to get on my good side.”

“Yes, Blueblood is enough to prove that.”

Celestia’s face went deep red.

“Shall I prepare for another trip to the moon, sister?” Luna giggled.

“No… uh… no, please, just don’t mention that… mistake again… please.”

“Very well,” Luna smiled as she got up to look over the papers Celestia had on her desk, “Are those the letters Twilight sent you about her… ‘friendship’ studies?”

Celestia nodded, “Indeed they are! That was the important task I gave Twilight. Who better to study social interaction than one of the best scholars at Canterlot!”

Luna gave a half lid expression as if to say ‘there is so much wrong with that statement, I’m not even going to dignify it with a comment.’

“Anyhow, I should see how my new ‘friendship skills’ are in the field!” Celestia skipped to the door, “Oh I can’t wait to see who becomes my first friend! There’s so many things to do!”

The balcony doors swung open, revealing a calm and peaceful night. The city was surprisingly quiet and dim despite the supposed night life the city was supposed to have. Luna sighed as she held her ever so sporadic sister down.

“I would be wary of those wondering the city at FIVE IN THE MORNING!”

Celestia held her ears in pain, fully understanding the power of the Royal Canterlot Voice. She gazed into the empty streets of the city. Not a single creature stirred, not even a mouse. Or was it supposed to be rats? Rats tend to flood cities. Perhaps that odd exterminator with the flute deserved more bits for how well he did his job. Thoughts such as this circled Celestia’s mind often before the most obvious and important thing hit her.

“I should be raising the sun now, shouldn’t I?”

“No, I’m just eagerly awaiting a mob of screaming foals thinking Nightmare Moon is going to devour them and their souls,” Luna sarcastically spat.

Celestia immediately started raising the sun as Luna brought the moon down.

“You’ve become extra snarky since you returned, Luna?” Celestia sighed, “If there’s something wrong, you can tell me.”

“Only if you’re willing to listen, sister,” Luna mumbled as she went back inside to sleep.

Celestia hummed, gazing upon Canterlot, the capital of Equestria.

With the new dawn breaking and all of Equestria waking, Celestia pondered her activities for the day. She could never neglect her duties, could she? Raven is a valuable secretary, could she handle the throne for the day? Perhaps Kibitz would fit the role smoothly, he has held Celestia up for years. Although, he may be a tad too old to handle the stress. There was no need to have another heart attack in the castle. Luna already ensured more than enough last Nightmare Night.

“I wish I had a holiday,” Celestia solemnly sighed, “Guess I’ll tend to the court for now.”

As per usual, Celestia attended the royal court with Kibitz keeping an eye on her schedule and Raven filling all her documents. The large majority of her day was spent smiling and waving at the common folk or playing the ‘guess who’s opinion is right’ game. The trick to the game was the one who had money was always right. The royal treasury should never go empty, after all.

Alas, Celestia’s free time was spent either on lunch or speaking with more of the nobility. It had seemed her attempts at true friendship were in vain. If only she were able to find someone to fill in her role for her…

Maybe there was someone capable?

Later that day, Celestia crept into Luna’s bedroom. Star patterned drapes and planetary lamps littered the room. A collection of games piled in a far off corner next to some ‘Comedy for Dummies’ books. She’s gone deep into fun ever since her first experience with Nightmare Night.

Next to a crescent moon bed was a tiny blue notebook with a silver lock on it. Celestia mischievously grinned as she poorly attempted to sneak by. It was quite difficult to ignore the heavy thuds her hooves made with each step.

“I swear, you get heavier by the day sister,” Luna groaned, “What reason do you have to play ‘worst thief ever’ in my room at this hour?”

Celestia chuckled, “It’s a quarter pass 4. Um… I was wondering… if you would ever be so kind as to…”

“No,” Luna flatly said, “Whatever it is you have going through that head of yours can’t be good. Especially after its been deprived of oxygen all day.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Your crown is too small for your head.”

Celestia took off her crown to check its size, “Wait… this is a tiara…”

“Still clamps on your skull tighter than a corset.”

“Doesn’t a corset go around the barrel?”

Luna face-hoofed, “My goodness, you are so stupid.”

“No need for insults, Lulu!”

“Gah! Nicknames? I thought you out grew those, sister.”

“And I thought you knew I don’t understand metaphors!”

An awkward silence flooded the room. Celestia’s voice echoed down the halls. Servants stared up and over towards Luna’s room, eyeing Celestia’s expansive frame in the doorway. One of the guards put on a pair of sunglasses to admire the view he was given. His friend shook his head.

Immediately, the two sisters broke out in laughter.

“My goodness, sister, that was quite a display,” Luna gasped, “Over a thousand years and you have not once understood a single metaphor?”

Celestia coughed to catch her breath, “Well, yes, I don’t understand how one can say something that clearly does not relate to current circumstances and expect to be treated as though it was a reasonable addition to the conversation.”

Every member of the castle present stood with their mouths open in complete shock.

“What?!” Celestia shouted, “If someone is going to talk about chickens when we’re having a discussion on economics, how am I supposed to take them seriously?”

“That’s called an idiom, sister,” Luna sighed shaking her head.

“Now Luna, Duke Foghorn may be slow but there’s no need to insult him.”

Duke Foghorn whispered into a maid’s ear, “I think we know who the slowest horse in this race is,” earning him a giggle from the maid.

Luna stared at her with the most dumbfounded expression, “You need help.”

“YES! That is exactly why I’m here!” Celestia hugged Luna, “I’m so glad you agree with this. It’ll just be for one day, I promise!”

As Celestia began walking away, Luna collected herself and realized her sister was wanting her to do something.

“WAIT!” she shouted to stop her sister, “What, pray tell, did you think I was going to do?”

“You were going to watch court for the day while I make a real friend,” Celestia rubbed her hooves together.

“And what reason do you have to assume I’d be a proper candidate for the job?”

“Well… you’ve handled the night shift rather well and that’s pretty much the same thing I do but a lot less work.”

“Clearly, you have no idea of the dangers the night shift holds,” Luna frowned, “You will need more than that to determine if I’m worthy.”

‘Oh no’ Celestia dreadfully thought. ‘Luna is attempting to play Wicked Graces! She is terrible at this game’ she began to sweat, “Well um… er… you’ve done it before…”

Luna smirked, “Really? I don’t quite remember when that was. Care to remind me?”

All eyes were on the two sisters. Luna enjoyed seeing her sister fight her own ego and admit something that would embarrass her in front of everyone present. Including Duke Foghorn who would always bring up anyone’s embarrassing secrets whenever it fit him or made for a good laugh.

Celestia worried when and where Foghorn would unleash this embarrassing moment. Since she earned a mild ire from him, she would expect him to bring this up at a critical moment in her career. He always had a way of turning everything in his favor.

“There was that time… when you made a bet about my job being easier than yours.”

“Ah yes, you had Kibitz schedule all of your activities at once that day,” Luna snorted, “It was agreed that didn’t count considering you set me up for sabotage while you enjoyed a trip to the local spa…” Luna grinned maliciously, “Yet I still triumphed even after the burst of rapid decisions as well as being deprived of sleep and nutrition.”

Celestia felt her ears fall back. She’s gotten better. Celestia was going to have to try harder to convince Luna to her terms. Luna’s game wasn’t a show of Celestia’s weakness, rather, to show all present how powerful she is. The question was, how far could she go and should Celestia allow her to reach that far?

“Ah well,” she thought, “There was that one time when I was… indisposed…”

“Seeking a romantic companion.”

“Yes… and you did successfully keep order while I was away,” this was a good moment to strike, ”pulling off a perfect disguise that fooled every pony in Canterlot… expect Kibitz… everyone was more relaxed with you in charge than when I am.”

“Luna did WHAT?!” Raven shouted behind a wall of guards.

Maybe a little over the top but this hopefully allowed everyone to see Luna as a fully capable mare and let Celestia have at least a little vacation time. She prayed Luna wouldn’t ruin the moment or flat out deny her abilities. Celestia needed her to watch the court for the day. Just this one day if she couldn’t have any other.

Luna’s ego should have been stroked well enough for her to play in her sister’s favor. To grant Celestia her time off. Proving herself strong in front of so many meant she would hold more influence in court and have sway over the opinion of the nobility. At least, as much as Celestia does… maybe a bit less… as much as Cadence does, at least. It also meant all of Equestria wouldn’t be dependent on Celestia!

As long as Luna won, Celestia won more.

Luna nodded, “Indeed. Very well, I suppose I will be able to manage the throne for one day.”

The jab was subtle but efficient. Celestia knew Luna’s words were underlined with venom. Sooner or later, she was going to ask her for something more. Whatever that may be, Celestia was willing to accept it. It was best not to push Luna with everyone watching.

“Thank you, Luna,” Celestia bowed, “I know you will do a fine job.”

The crowd dispersed to return to their previous activities. Raven rubbed her head before running off with a grunt.

Celestia ran through the castle as giddy as a schoolgirl on prom night. She leaped out the massive front doors and slid down to the garden. After so many years, she finally had an actual day off that didn’t turn into a national emergency or interrupted by Twilight’s shenanigans… at least she hoped.

Upon exiting the garden and setting into the streets of Canterlot, everyone stopped and stared at the alicorn.

‘This may be more difficult than I thought’ Celestia thought as she realized she was going to attempt to make friends in a country that worshiped and feared her as a goddess.

Author's Note:

I have to be honest. I really hate everything about Celestia. Trying to write for someone you hate is a challenge but I put up with it. Felt it was fair to give her some quirks that made her more of an actual character rather than some pampered princess everyone worshiped.
Now I have a question for you.
What do you think would be a common reaction to Princess Celestia wondering around Canterlot to find a friend? Or what do you imagine happening with Luna going over Celestia's duties?

Comments

[RebelNarrator45]

I am laughing so hard right now.......and I'm confused as to why.
Honestly, it was nearly impossible to follow thier banter, but my, it was hilarious all the same.

Am I making sense to anyone right now?? Because I'm not making sense to myself......

[wizofwonders]

Everything makes too much sense and this is a concept that should have been explored sooner