- Member Since 8th Feb, 2018
- offline last seen February 16th
riicky83
Sunset Shimmer is my dream girl.
riicky83
Joined 8th Feb, 2018 ·
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nice work.
I can't wait for that one character to figure out and start something. I am interested in where this is going though, so keep it up!
media.giphy.com/media/2fs2I4ujlBf20/giphy-downsized-large.gif
Right off the bat, the paragraph formatting is rather wonky. I'm not sure why you felt the need to put each sentence on its own line(s) when a mere space is sufficient to separate sentences.
Secondly, the text it self is rather wooden. There's a lot of "X did/said this. Y did/said that." Vary your sentences. Try to incorporate more descriptive language. Trust me, you'll find that it goes a long way towards making your prose more readable. (Just don't go overboard with the descriptive language, though. Purple prose can turn off readers just as easily as beige prose.)
Thirdly, when a character is being addressed in dialogue, their name should be separated from the rest of the sentence by a comma. Take this bit of dialogue, for instance:
It should be written as follows:
One last thing:
> Left eye closed = seeing people in their birthday suits
> Wears patch over left eye to avoid seeing people in the nude
Seems legit.
Oh man that is just PERFECT, Sunset will soon know of his eye-powers and will be shocked or into that, I bet she wouldn't mind seeing the guys either in their boxers or if some of them wear speedo's she would love to see them like that or even nude.
"X-Ray has an ability no one else knows about"
....could it be, I don't know... X-RAY vision?!?!
Also I just have to point out that x-rays only see bone due to their natural density. The whole organ thing? That's a no from me dawg.
But you must be new, so I'll give ya the benefit of the doubt and wait for the next chapter before I actually thumb this story.
9039860
I'm curious about the context of this gif.
9040849
Manga/comic logic, most manga's that have this ability calls it x-ray vision so I've yet to see one that calls it otherwise.
Plus since he keeps at least one eye closed you won't have to worry about the organs part unless X needs to check if someone is either concealing items inside them or checking them for injuries and tumours.
Wow, so AJ was the first to get X-Ray cock, wonder who will be next in line.
Damn I didn’t know she was thirsty glad he had a drink for her
It's not a bad idea but it definitely needs some work. It's got the potential but not enough detail.
Canteen? It's a high school, not a military base. "Lunchroom" or "cafeteria" are perfectly acceptable. Also, the quoted sentence is a textbook example of a comma splice.
Furthermore, I'm noticing more capitalization and punctuation errors in this chapter than in previous chapters.
Finally, I'mma just leave this here: IKEA Erotica
Well, at least he got a superpower.
Lie
Didn’t think applejack would be first.
Two in one day.
He’s getting all this action in one day?