How To Romance Your Dragon

by Jaycren

Garble and Spike understand each other better

Gable watched curiously as Spike calmed himself. Rising to his feet Spike glanced down at Clump and asked. ”Hey, you okay? Aurora did say you could take that out when she left.”

”Pretty Mare put fork here, I want it here a bit longer.”

Spike shrugged. ”I’m going to use your chair then.”

”No problem, this floor is cozy.”

Pulling up to the table he addressed Garble. ”Alright, this will be a lot easier if you ask questions and I answer them, fair?”

”Okay Pipsqueak, let's start with you running things here, how’d I get that wrong?”

"It is true, Garble, that I do perform a ton of services around here. But only at the behest of others. I am, in fact Twilight's assistant, I have very little power of my own.”

”Huh. What about the dorky purple Unicorn? Certainly, she’s part of your clutch, right?”

Blanching Spike explained, ”Twilight hatched me and raised me, so kinda my mom/big sister. So that is a big old hell no.”

Gable blanched back, looking faintly green. ”Sorry dude didn't know. What about that purple haired Drama Queen? You follow her around, she has to be letting you get some, considering how hard you work for her.”

Spike grimaced, ”Yeah, been friend zoned there so hard my blue balls have frostbite, I’m her dearest friend or her little brother. Hell, I’ve helped her get dates and cleaned up the mess afterward. Guess again.”

Garble considered his next question, ”What about the one in the cowboy hat? She always seems pretty affectionate towards you.” Garble winked to the smaller dragon. ”Gotta be something there, right?”

Spike chuckled, ”Same answer as the second, except I was actually adopted by her and her family so yeah, little brother friendzoned again as usual."

"What about the quiet, pink and yellow one, it's always the quiet ones right?"

"Discord the Lord of Chaos and Her have simultaneously called Dibs on each other, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, friendzoning one another."

Garble's eyes turned to pinpricks, "Yeah, under no circumstance would you want to get involved in that."

"Garble let me kinda cut this a little short, after all the last two answers are the same. Rainbow and Pinkie want each other, with Pinkie waiting for Rainbow to make a move. Both Mares also have two stallions they want, but are holding back till the tension between them is resolved. Neither one minds sharing the other. The six mares I hang out with have friendzoned me so hard, they actually interfere with anymare I might be interested in, to, and I quote, 'Try And Look After Their Little Brother.' I appreciate it, but, damn, no female will approach because their always asking for my help or mares get scared off by them being over protective."

"Spike, that is awful, at least tell me you get in some manuel relief time."

Spike started Laughing again. "Everytime I do, one of them walks in on me. It never fails. Doesn't matter where I am, or what I'm doing."

"Huh, you must be one frustrated little dude, hell you're even eye level with all that pussy. With your dragon senses I imagine heat season drives you nuts."

"How'd you think I became friends with Aurora? She takes me hunting with her, the brutal violence and killing take the edge off. Then I can return and be a hell of a lot more sane."

"How about we widden the female circle a bit. Your Mom's student or that Blue mare that talks in the third person."

"Starlight and Trixie? Starlight moons for her first love Sunburst, and Trixie has been banging Pharynx almost since he's been reformed, when she isn't banging Starlight!!!!!"

"Really? How about, Ember? You and her seemed to have a thing, Dragon Consort to the Queen isn't bad!"

"Yeah, no, somepony, or I should say Someling already fills that position."

"No way, He's your.."

"Best Bro. Yep, I accidental set up Ember and Thorax. The two of them think that no one knows, but Thorax is a screamer. I hear them whenever they both visit."

"DUDE! Not Cool! Well you have that giant crystal castle, that must be nice."

"That I don't own. Can't Eat, and have to clean, constantly."

"Well what about Smolder? She's your age. Congrats on the wings by the way, they look nice."

"Taken by Gaius, her griffon friend. Those two have been an Item almost since they met. Thanks by the way."

Garble, leaned back in his chair. Looking at the smaller male dragon, he couldn't help but feel sympathetic. This little dude was surrounded constantly by some gorgeous females, AND COULD DO NOTHING ABOUT IT!

"Well are there any members of the female variety that do cast looks your way? You have that adorable/cuddly thing going for you. You could play that up."

"How would I even know with how MY FRIENDS encircle me."

"Dragon Senses, Bro."

"Say to the what, know?"

Garble squinted his eyes at the runt, then asked, "How do you not know this?"

Frustrated Spike snarked back to Garble, "Gee, Garble, maybe I should rely on my amazing amount of knowledge of dragons, or my upbringing among dragons. Oh, Yeah. I can't because I WAS RAISED BY PONIES!"

Dawning realization struck the scarlet dragon, "As one guy to another, I feel I have to pass on this bit of knowledge. Us dragons can smell when a female is interested."

"How does that work?"

Garble shook his head, "How would I know? I'm not a NERD! All I know is that it works." Garble smiled again, "When the mares around here go into heat what do they smell like? All Male Dragons smell it differently. For me it's Rubies encrusted with salted caramel."

Spike snorted, "Dark Chocolate coated Emeralds, with caramel glaze and sprinkled with powdered sugar."

Garble and the three other dragons paused to drool as what Spike described lodged in their memory.

Wiping the drool from his mouth, Garble continued. "Well, you can tell when a mare is interested in you when that smell gets stronger when you're around her. It's best to confirm two other times before making your move, you might be picking up her interest in another that happens to be near you. During Heat Season this is even worse, why do you think I'm not in the Dragon Lands. I had no interest in getting snagged, or, even worse, finding no one interested. Especially since when you had me hug every dragon on the way back to my lair, some of the MALE dragons showed interest. Which, don't get me wrong, is flattering, just also frustrating because I have no interests that way and therefore it's a waste of everydragons time, resources and energy."

Spike thought, had there been any mares that fit that criteria. Maybe, particularly..... "Oh, crap!"

Garble smiled. "Figured out some prospects, huh?"

"Yeah, just not sure about it."

"Not sure about what?" A female voice said behind him.

Spike spun and saw three young mares looking up at him. The CMC, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. Spike's nostrils dilated madly as he sought to deny his realization. Garble chuckled as he confirmed Spikes hypothesis. All Three young mares where hot for Spike.

"HA! You are an Alpha! I knew it!" Garble exclaimed.

"Spike, I thought you hated Garble." Sweetie inquired.

Spike stammered out a reply, "I do, but Aurora just claimed him, so I was giving him the warning."

Scootaloo snorted. "Heh, thought I recognized the carnage."

Apple Bloom smiled up at Spike, "Hey Spike, we're running errands, we could use the help."

Shaking his head, he looked at all three young mares. Mares his own age. Mares none of their sisters would mind him pursuing. Mares that recently dropped their Special Someponies because the boys couldn't keep up. Breathing deep of the smell again, Spike made his choice.

"Sure, Be glad to help." Turning back to Garble he winked. "See you around Garble, at least if Aurora doesn't decide to make you a permanent part of herself. And Thanks, for what it's worth this talk has been helpful."

Garble snorted, "Don't go getting mushy on me Pipsqueak, I absolutely hate you."

Spike smiled. "Aww, I absolutely hate you too!" Walking off with the CMC, he chuckled. Things might be finally looking up.

Garble smiled, then frowning he glanced at the floor. Rising, he stepped over to Clump, grabbing the fork, he yanked, dislodging it, allowing Clump's Dragon Healing to kick in.

"Clump, Aurora is MINE, stop being creepy about her."

"Sorry, boss."

Garble sat down, going back to his meal, he decided that, perhaps, not all ponies where bad.

Comments

[theoldhunter]

What is this strange yet amazingly funny story that I have stumbled on to

[Jaycren]

8983579
Set in the same universe as Three Strikes You’re Out. More a companion piece than an actual sequel. Thanks for the comment.

[DanvilleBengal]

There is so much friendzoning in this that I'm getting a headache facepalming at all this....

...this is just an excuse to ship Spike with the CMC--too much 'go for the younger sister' trope for my taste....

At least Spike is consider an Alpha Dragon, even though it seems more like disguised bashing.... and I have to admit, it's funny.

[Jaycren]

9145506
Sad thing is, all of the Friendshipping is actually canon! Personally, it was not my intent to bash spike, rather it was to give him an actual guy that is not attached to any of the mares in question to complain too. If anything I have absolute sympathy for Spike. And there is evidence to support that each of the CMC have more than a sisterly interest in him and the other ships I mentioned, although they too have canon evidence to support, would either be too difficult to work into a short story like this or are inappropriate because of the age difference. So instead of giving spike one of the troublesome trio, which by the way it would have been Applebloom, I made sure that our favorite much abused dragon got ALL of them. And Honestly, with all that Spike deals with on a constant, never ending basis how could he NOT be an Alpha. After all, it can be good to be the King, but mostly you fix stupid all day. Just once, I wanted Spike to have the Good part of being the King. I am glad that you found this funny, from the beginning this was all about a laugh.

[DanvilleBengal]

9145538

Well I have to admit, after I made the comment, it seemed that I was being a bit harsh. I will never back down from it, it's my opinion. But it is really starting to warm up to me.

And this story is one that deserves more than one go-around. I do enjoy that in this, apparently Spike stays as the DragonLord, even though Ember has the scepter. Not to mention both Ember and Thorax need to give Spike some thanks for getting them together--all Spike did was give the nudge...

And have to admit, Spike's got three mates as opposed to Garble's one (i'm assuming...) and I love to think that Garble's been whipped by Aurora....

[Jaycren]

9145550
I really didn't think you were harsh. Your opinion was well thought out and accurate. If I came across as aggressive I apologize. I was not trying to be, I was only answering your opinion with mine. I value all the comments I get. Listening to another's point of view, while saying my own is the only way I feel that I can grow creatively.

I am glad that you enjoyed the story. This one happens to be one of my favorites. As for your other statements, I agree with them whole heartedly.

Yes, Ember and Thorax need to thank Spike. I'm sure they will once they announce their 'secret' relationship to the rest of the world.

Yes, Spike is technically the Dragonlord as he was the one that claimed the Sceptre. However, he had no interest in any of the responsibility so like a Boss, he handed it over to the one that would do the job well. But since he won the Sceptre the current Dragonlord rules at his sufferance.

Yes, Spike is the man and as the man needs three strong minded woman to satisfy, support and tell him when he's being stupid. Whether as friends or lovers depends on the four of them.

Yes, Garble is completely and totally whipped by Aurora, and is enjoying every minute of it.

Speaking as a whipped man myself I have never regretted it happening to me and overall, all good things in my life started after it occured.

[Crystal Hoof]

Thanks for the follow