What goes on in an interrogation room? A conversation between an alicorn and a human of course.
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- Member Since 3rd Jul, 2017
- offline last seen Last Friday
Bee Propaganda
“Now and then a fellow gets to thinking. About all the sorrow and afflictions in this world; how it’s liable to strike anywhere, like lightning.” - William Faulkner
Bee Propaganda
Joined 3rd Jul, 2017 ·
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Bongo Bingo
Hmm... were to start?
For question one, I think the characters are alright - but Cadance's overreaction to 'horse' may have come down as something that I would expect from Luna or Twilight. I believe Cadance would've noticed like Celestia that his reaction to seeing a talking, magical equine to be worth of notice and handle things in a softer yet sterner manner.
Question two? There are two types of description: Showing and Telling. Showing is using words to describe something without being overt about it - akin to using characters' perspective to describe (tell) something from its viewpoint, while telling is outright telling what is going on, why, etc - which while useful, is also the laziest. It also forms part of the 'omniscient narrator' if properly used, but leaves little to the readers' imagination to fill in the blanks.
Question three: Pacing is decent but still needs refinement, but I personally think that big blocks of text may intimidate readers not as adept at it. For example, the first paragraph.
It could be divided in two or three pieces as shown here:
The faint clopping of hooves could be heard throughout the castle hallways as the princess of the Crystal Kingdom (This one should be 'Empire', by the way) frantically trotted to the destination she was summoned too. (here is 'to')
The following three sentences come up as chopped... but can be remedied if properly bonded together like shown in the green text.
She didn’t need to be the ‘princess of love and emotions’ to feel the unease that all the castle guards had as she approached her destination, fueling further her resolve as
This only fueledher tempo in her gait increased slightly to get to the rendezvous point faster.The light pink alicorn
was starting to feelstarted feeling the lactic acid burning her muscles during her swift trip as she reachedherthe final stretch to where she was called by her Guard.Panting as she approached the door to the barracks (I believe this bit is unclear, perhaps clarifying 'where' exactly is the interrogation room could help you in the long run, I put its correction as a part of the barracks, perhaps the palace prison could serve in its stead), she opened it up; took a deep breath; and commanded with authority despite her strain,
Cadance opened the door to the interrogation room.“Guards.”she said with a strained voice, but kept her tone of authority.The guards looked at their princess worriedly as she breathed in and out a few times and composed herself further. However, their alarm was
, but their worry wasput to a screeching halt when they heard her next words as she straightened out in her full regal glory. “Leave us, I wish to speak to the creature alone.” She stated firmly.I hope the clear example helps you in identifying your weak points just so you can work on correcting them.
For your fourth question, I believe that you have an average knowledge of the verbal quirks of the characters - nothing that seeing a few episodes to freshen' up on wouldn't correct if paid attention to.
8861583
Thank you for your feedback, and another thanks for answering all my questions.
8861732
You're welcome.
8861732
Due to both description and purpose, if you want to release further chapters you'd either need to change the description to match your story, or publish the story itself as another post. Just lettin' you know.
8861798
I was gonna make this a full fledged story with a darker theme , but I decided against it. I currently want to put out a few short stories to get feedback on what I need to work on before I do a big project. That and I am still looking for a story advisor to help me run things smoothly.
The only issues I have are structural. The story itself was decent, just poorly written.
9571345
Yea, I suck at writing. Trying to get better. I will remember that though. Structure will be something I will strive to improve on with future stories
9571847
Keep it up