• Member Since 31st Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen Feb 27th, 2020

Sawtoothetherium


I like Luna. I like MLP. And I like blood.

Comments ( 20 )

Read the description. Colour me intrigued.
Read the story. A few awkward sentences, and a bit too much telling rather than showing, but overall, pretty good.

8852791
Thanks, I will look out for that in the future.

I want to see where this will lead up to.

Nice. Good detail, some world building and decent character development.

There are a few run-on sentences:

Luna shed a single tear, she used her wings fo fly just above the water and wiped the tear from her face, it was blood.

She had ordered an investigation, they had found next to nothing.

Luna hid in the alley with Sombra, they would need to wait for nightfall to carry out the mission.

I mean I have no control Celestia, there is a castle in Germaneigh that not many know of, perhaps not even Conrad.

Celestia sat there dumbstruck, her little sister had been abducted by vampires.

“Telepathically yes, she is in the city.”

Nothing a conjunction or two,or a full stop instead of a comma, couldn't fix.
There are also a couple of missing apostrophes, like 'Lunas' instead of 'Luna's'.

Apart from grammatical mistakes, I have few complaints. It flows well, and overall is decently written. Write on!

8863171
Thank you and please keep up the critique, it has been useful so far and I am sure it will continue to be useful.

Comment posted by sociopath on the moon deleted May 2nd, 2018
Comment posted by sociopath on the moon deleted Jun 4th, 2018

exciting!!😂 (Nice story)

I find this story so cool that I've read it again 5 times already; ') (I'm crazy XD)

9066540
:rainbowlaugh: I’m glad you like it so far, and if you have any suggestions I’m open for ideas.

9067604
How about luna and sombra having a fight with that vampire boss and whether that celestial war starts with that boss or that the boss finds out that luna is pregnant OR that they find out that sombra luna likes. so that was what I had in mind XD X.x idk 😂

I do hope this isn't dead.

9931219
I'm sorry, but I can't think of a way to move forward. I'll try to rewrite it sometime, but I don't think that it will be soon.

9934671
Fortunately I'm good at giving story ideas.

Login or register to comment