I like Luna. I like MLP. And I like blood.
King Sombra returns with vengeance. He banishes Luna to another equine world and wipes her memories too. Celestia, the mane six and spike go in after her, but there is a number of problems. One: not all of the locals are friendly. Two: Luna seems to be in a very serious predicament. Three: Spike is very VERY scary.
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Interesting, Hope to see more, and all in all, it has few errors, so this should be a good read over time.
Have a moustache
8728930
Thank you.
The love and protectiveness for her sister is one thing. But being misunderstood will eventually her killed......
8742061
That’s the point.😈
Also, was that facehoof directed at Celestia or my lack of talent?
8742985
Mostly Celestia...
Game over...
If Leonidas did go back with Luna and the others Sombra would be in serious trouble. I love the story so far and look forward to the rest of the chapters.
8747633
Thank you for the kind words. And on the Sombra in deep trouble thing, their all in deep shit.
8743691
Mostly?
Really good story here. Can't wait till more comes out.
Love This story can’t Wait to the next
Is this the last chapter? I really like the story and hope you finish it. And btw I also like heretics so far and can't wait for the next chapter
8897793
No, this isn’t the last chapter, I’m just void of any ideas right now. I have a good idea of what I want to happen but I cannot seem to be able to link them together in the right way.
And that was the moment sombra realized, he done f**ked up
Oh I’ll never tell
Hi Sawtoothetherium. An entertaining read, thank you for this.
You asked for feedback, so here I am. There are a few typos - PM me if you want a proofreader - I never point them out in public as I think that's tacky. Everyone has them and they should be discussed/taken care of in private. I will say here, however, that it doesn't cost much to buy the story image from iStock and it looks better and more professional if you do. Nice find, btw.
Your tenses tend to bounce back and forth, even in the same paragraph, which can be confusing to readers. This is something else a proofer can clean up and should be done at some point. It's pretty apparent your strengths lie in the descriptions of the battle armor, war and tactics. I have a new found appreciation for those subjects as I am gearing up to craft some war scenes for one of my ongoing stories. I caught the movie Troy (with Brad Pitt) on t.v. months ago and was very intrigued as I read the Iliad and Odyssey as a teenager and were fascinated by them. I've grown love all aspects of the movie, though am of an age that violence tends to bother me more than it used to, but I've seen it quite a few times as I think David Benioff did an AMAZING job on the script. His dialogue is exactly how I imagine King Sombra spoke during his reign, as well as all his soldiers. I am a huge soundtrack whore as well and the end song constantly inspires me to write of King Sombra's own tragic tales of love and loss thereof as I imagine they might have happened - if they ever did happen.
You write well, but as I first read the story, I thought there was something missing. It took me a bit to figure out what as I didn't sit down and read the entire story in one sitting, nor did I have time to really ruminate on it, but now I know what it is. There is a bit of lack of detail - just enough missing that some scenes are powered through too fast and characters not gone into enough depth to really capture a reader's attention. This is something that comes with time and practice, but you definitely have the potential to achieve that gift as long as you are open to acting on the advice you are asking for - and you do seem to be - good for you!
If you are open to it, I would like to ask your advice on whatever I get stuck on in my battle scenes, if that's okay. Let me know and let me know if you would like a proofreader - I would be happy to lend my services. Oh and have a thumbs up - you certainly deserve it.
Take care and remember to always
Hail King Sombra!
9014324
I would love to help you with your battle scenes. I have some trouble with detail on them but if you ever get stuck do not hesitate to ask me for assistance. I am always happy to help and I would love to receive the help you offer. Thank you immensely for the advice you have given me so graciously and I will certainly take what you have said to heart and do what I can to improve with these kind and helpful words. I would most certainly be delighted to have you proofread my stories in the future and I would be happy to offer the same assistance.
Godspeed and a long life to you.
Only with Thursts and half swording also known as mordhau!
Excellent story, I hope we can see the end
Leonidas Sombra's ancestor