HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE!!!!!!! of Equestria;)
I was the luckiest man in the world till I was sent to a world of pastel colored ponies. Now my luck just seems to have run out.
Hi I am the PhonyBronyPony this is my first fanfic however that being said I welcome all criticism in spelling and punctuation. I may look for editors an co authors in the future. Also tips on how to work this sight are appreciated. [I am new]
enjoy
Artwork is done by me.
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Welcome to the world of writing! I spotted your fic and decided to offer some advice.
You're checking off a lot of boxes that many readers will find cliche, and at the the very least overused. Dead parents? Check. Self-insert qualities? Check. Tough upbringing? Check. Randomly popping into Equestria with no explanation? Check. The sudden lavish wealth seems like it was shoehorned in just for the sake of adding a superficial level of interest to the plot; to that end, it really doesn't seem to add much to the story as it currently stands (although I understand that could change). This is also a very subjective list; some people don't care about common tropes and others will nitpick.
The trouble is, your protagonist isn't that interesting. In fact, his only notable quality is that he's ridiculously lucky. On that note, I'm guilty to some degree as well but I've learned that you can implement conventional tropes and pass them off as engaging if you add in some unconventional yet believable details. I also realize that it's still pretty early but first impressions are important.
Your spelling and grammar need a lot of work. There's a great writing guide available for you to use, and I suggest you study it carefully before proceeding. Readability is critically important; practice that until you know proper sentence construction like the back of your hand.
The bottom line is that you have a lot to learn but that's okay. This is the best way; there's no "wax on, wax off" to writing. You learn by doing it and practicing a lot. This story isn't for me, mostly because it's been done a lot and is very difficult to do well. Still, don't let that stop you from writing and I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.
Thanks for the input will try to improve.
:)
8681588
The reply to comment button looks like >>. Just so you know.
8681623
Thx :)
I have a lot to learn
I haven't read the story yet but I have some advice. First, there is a writing guide for new writers
. Second, I spotted mistakes instantly. So, first Equestria, in my opinion, should be have had first letter capped. And also your description could use work. The first thing you could do is check your spelling again. Like your wrote livening instead of living. Also I just quickly scanned through the story and noted many other things. You could work on the character's names all starting with a capped letter. Also you could use better punctuation... but practice will make perfect eventually.
I wish you luck :) And you can always look for a proof reader if you rather have someone else check for mistakes once you can't find anymore yourself. You're doing well for a new writer.
8681714
Thanks! I really appreciate the help.
8681724
No problem!
AND YOU GET A LIKE, AND YOU GET A LIKE, EVERYBODY GETS A LIKE!
8686228
Thanks for the like.
did you do the icon yourself? its very nice
8686316
Yes I did thank you for the compliment. :)
8686361
welcome
my suspention of disbiliefe was tested at the end there
meaning what I find believable within the context of the story
8686393
:) I that part was difficult to write
Eeyup. Definitely intrigued. Keep up the good work. JEEVES!(hears scruffling in the background) pay this author some of our money. What, we don't have money! What do you mean it all got stolen! What do I pay you for Jeeves!? (Hears "actually,sir, you don't pay me) SEMANTICS JEEVES, SEMANTICS! YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THOSE! Ahem, have some inspirational comment instead. KEEP UO THE GOOD WORK!:D
8686976
Thank you for the comment.
I’m glad your enjoying the story.
Ps: pay Jeeves.
8687256
Never! Before you say that I'm mean, I'll have you know I have a heart of gold. This of course means its cold and unbeating. Seriously, gold is not a good replacement for organs. It don't work no good. Also my pleasure. Now that I think about it, I do pay Jeeves. I pay him with his life. He's been alive for years. Hundreds. He's also dapper. I hope William is dapper. We need more dapper bois in the world. William is good butler. Timothy is, as is constantly stated, very lucky to have such a butler. However, Jeeves is still better. He is called Jeeves after all. This gotta be worth something.
8687494
Hmm you may have a point...Well it is obvious that you have a soft heart as far as metals go. And yes William is an amazing butter. He even has an British accent which is amazing. Who knows maybe Jeeves and William will meet one day at the annual butler convention. Who knows as a pony maybe William Will have a longer life span than a human’s. Just look at Granny Smith for instance after all she is almost half as old as celestia.
8687515
Jeeves is a very overpowered butler. He could and once did butler for an entire planet. He truly is amazing. I'm sure he would be more than willing to train Sir William in furthering his butlery skills. After all, due to his service to me, he won't die of natural causes or old ages. He's got millennia ahead of him. And he needs some friends other than me. Jeeves gets lonely when there's no butlering to do.
8687526
While William went to the most prestigious butlering school I’m sure Jeeves would have plenty to teach him as there is a large difference in experience between them also how did he butler for an entire planet...wait let me guess
“it’s Jeeves Don’t Question it”
8687532
Actually, itquite amazing. He used time. He had set up a device that told him every butlery order, as they came, and he would traverse the broken fields of time(very dangerous place, only butlers of the highest caliber can pass through safely) which basically allowed him to time travel safely, and he would take every order and start on them regardless of what hewas last doing, within a minute of it being issued. He has some of the most amazing tales to tell throughout all his butler career. It truly shows. And I'm sure, that one day, william will be able to achieve similar heights of butlery and dapperness.
8687543
William is not even close to that skill. After all time travel is a very dangerous thing that could rip the fabric of reality.
8687551
I know. Luckily, jeeves understands how to deal with such potential threats and the broken fields of time allow a butler to travel the plains of time with minimal effects on the "actual" world. It is similar to moving through the fourth dimension.
8687556
How long dose it take one to reach such a level of skill?
8687558
If a butler such as Jeeves teaches you, about a decade or two. Otherwise, about 6-700 years of mostly butlery. Most butlers never reach such a level, but Jeeves himself said William has such a potential. Jeeves is truly kind, even wanting to try and unlock said potential. Let's truly hope they do see each other at some point. It would be the birth of the two best butlers of all time!
8687563
I’m telling you that they will most likely meet up at a butler convention.
8687571
That will be a day to look forward to.
8687572
Indeed
NUUUUUUUUUUUU! NOT DA BACON! HOWEVER WILL THEY LIVE. Again, great chapter... Ummm, I'm bad at doing any type of review things past my thoughts. So really all I can say is, KEEP UP DAT GOOD WORK THO!:D
8691184
Will do thanks for the review.
VIDEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I LOVE ME SOME VIDYA GAMS!WOOOOOP WOOOOOP! Oh, and keep up the good work...<_< (walks off, hearsscreaming in the distance) THERES VIDEO GAMES IN THIS STORY NOW JEEVES.(hears a butler sigh something about oh dear, not again)
8693216
Jeeves what happened last time with the video games, should I be worried.
8693508
Naaaaaaaaaaaa... Okay maybe. I may have summoned an eldritch abomination from beyond the veil just so I could play video games. This one wasn't like all my other friends and tried to destroy everything. Jeeves then butlered its multimouthed self back through the veil. He didn't enjoy that one. He does not like that place. I can't for the life of me figure out why...
8694203
What would you do without Jeeves?
8694810
Probably...............nothing. Considering how amazing he is. After all, I am apathetic, and thus basically can't be bothered to do things that require too much effort. That's Jeeves job. I just play video games and surf the internet.
8695162
What would Jeeves do without you?
8695478
Butler something else in hopes for a challenge most probably. I dunno really...<_<
8695482
So wait he would look for employment somewhere else...be right back.
William get my shotgun I have some business to take care of.
BANG
Ok I’m back I just took care of a small ferret that was nesting in the mansion
8695706
Really, since I'm such a challenge to butler for, since I have pretty common summonings of eldritch abominations through the veil, three celestial dragons, and general apathy to anything, is what got him to butler to me in the first place. Then he would never leave, as we got to know one another. Ooooooooo, some sort of eldritch terror is calling me from beyond the veil. I'll have to get back to you.
Oh dear. Well, you should at least trust the butler right? Jussasec*scuffling*WHAT?!....NO JEEVES! I REFUSE! NO, I REFUSE...........................(half an hour later) that was Hell! No matter. Anyhow...PROPS ON GOOD CHAPTERS!:)
8708191
Thank you for the comments MORTAL I SHALL CONTINUE TO WRITE!:)
Oh no, a poultry poltergeist.
F