Chapter 1
My name is Timothy Franks and some say I am the luckiest man alive. however, before my luck got good some might have considered it terrible.
My parents died in a car crash when I was seven. I was at a school when the police came for me and to tell me the terrible news. My family was in debt so naturally my inheritance was sold off via auction to help pay off the debt. Leaving me with no family no money and nothing but my memories to remember them by.
I was sent into the foster care system but never adopted. For eleven years I stayed in the system it didn’t matter though. I fancied myself a dark lord of the sith that would strike down all the puny mortals that dared cross me. [Insert maniacal laughter.] I told myself that I didn’t need anybody. I had a couple friends closer to the end of my childhood. I stayed in the system till I was eighteen when they sent me off and into the big bad world.
The night that I was kicked out of the system my friends got together and threw me a you’re on your own now party. It was a small gathering with only my closest friends. There was Jimmie Katie and Connor. They each bought me a gift. Jimmie bought me a Star Wars t-shirt, Connor got me a football, and Katie got me a lottery ticket. We played some monopoly and rented the Jurassic parks.
As I drained my fifth can of mountain dew. Connor mentioned that he needed to go to home. Connor was also Katie and Jimmies ride so they joined him as he grabbed his bag and left. I was left alone in my tiny apartment. I sighed and grabbed the lottery ticket and revealed the numbers. I read the number five times each time my heart going faster and faster. “This cant be real!” I say to myself. Flipping the ticket over and looking for any fine print that said that it was a gag gift. There was none.
That night I became a billionaire. I found myself in position of just over 1,200,000,000 dollars. That was the start of my new life.
Three years later.
My eyelids were minimal protection from the blinding light that awoke me from my slumber. I writhed like a vampire in the light. Throwing my arm over my eyes to stop the burning.
“Sir it is time to get up. It is half past nine.” The calming British voice of William my butler said.”
I groaned but got out of bed. My feet landed on a super fuzzy rug. I put on my blue bunny slippers and walked to my bedroom table where butler was arranging my breakfast which today was over easy eggs, golden brown toast with grape jam a small steak and half a grapefruit. There was also a large Starbucks drink and a glass of water. I slid into the chair and sipped the drink of the zombies. As the life-giving elixir known as coffee entered my system I felt my corpse being brought to life.
“Good morning Sir.”
“Good morning William what is on the agenda for today.” I place my napkin on my lap and sip some water. I place the eggs on the steak and cut off a bite. It is an extremely good steak.
“you have a press meeting at three and a dinner with Connor at seven.”
“have they found the thief yet?” I ask puncturing the egg yolk and watching the golden liquid run over the steak too pool at the edge of the plate. I cut another bite and dip it into the yolk.
“I assume you are referring to the disappearances of random furnishings around the house.” William grimaced.
“Yes, I am referring to that.” I sip my coffee.
“Unfortunately, we have not. The fiend is obviously a master of stealth. They have avoided all of our cameras and motion detectors.”
“They will slip up eventually. When they do we will be waiting.” I smile and move on to the grapefruit. The thief was quite impressive I was egger to meet them. while they were steeling things from my house they hadn’t taken anything really expensive mostly just small things. They were toying with me letting me know he was here. Maybe he thought he would scare me enough so I couldn’t sleep. I doubted that he would make an attempt on my life. Burglary and murder were two different things entirely.
“On another note as of today you have doubled the money you started with.” William said changing the conversation.
“Really?! That’s great we should invite Katie Jimmie and Connor to a privet party.” I say standing up and placing the napkin on the table.
I go to my closet grab a black t-shirt and blue jeans.
“when do you want to have this party?” William asks clearing the table of my breakfast. “you forgot your toast again.” William sighs taking everything but the toast.
“Oh, thanks William. How about at lunchtime tomorrow. I walk into the master bathroom. I set my clothes on a shelf. I walk back to the table and finish the toast. My fingers are sticky from the jelly when I walk back into the bathroom
“That will work with your schedule. I will see to it that your friends are informed.” William said walking away with the tray of dishes.
I take off my night cloths. I hop in the shower tapping a waterproof touchscreen turning the water on it is instantly freezing and I scramble to swap to a warmer setting. As the water warms I rinse my hand getting rid of the jelly. Then I grab a bottle of two in one shampoo and conditioner. I squirt some on my hand I scrub my brown hair and scalp. I rinse then repeat this time leaving the suds in my hair. I hum some song I heard somewhere as I grab my scrubby off the wall and squeeze some body wash on it. I hold it under the water for a second to warm the soap. I scrub my body after I am covered in suds I walk under the water and rinse my hair and body. I stay in the water a few more moments then are necessary relishing in the warmth that seams to seep into my bones. I tap the touchscreen and the water shuts off.
Warm air suddenly starts to blast from vents drying me and pushing the water down the drain. I step out of the shower and grab a fluffy white towel drying off the rest of the way. After a few more seconds the air shuts off and I drop the towel in a bin for dirty laundry. I pick up the rest of my night clothes and place them in the same bin. I dress brush my teeth and hair. I walk out of the bathroom and grab a pair of socks from the closet. I walk to my bed and slip the socks on and grab my watch off of the nightstand. I put my watch on my left wrist and hear the familiar ticking. I walk out the door to do some gaming till three.
Meanwhile
In equestria
Twilight wrote down in her journal the results of the previous experiment. She was studying a new world one that had far more advanced technology. She had just retrieved another item from the new world it appeared to be an article of clothing that the habitants of that world wore. It was rather odd and she sketched it to her best abilities. After sketching the item and giving a detailed description of the item, she placed it in a pile with the rest of the items she had accumulated. She stretched and yawned she had been at this over night and she needed a break. She set the book down and went upstairs. Spike was reading a Daring Do book next to a bowl of gems occasionally dipping a clawed hand in to pluck out a few. Spike munched on the gems not looking up from his book.
“Spike, I am heading to fluttershys house. do you want to come?”
“nah Twilight I will just stay here. Have fun.” Spike made a shoeing motion over his book.
“ok I will. Enjoy you book.” Twilight walks out of the golden oaks library and into ponyville. Twilight made her way out of town towards the everfree forest. It didn’t take long to reach fluttershys cottage. Twilight knocked on the door. the door didn’t open so she knocked louder. “Fluttershy, are you in there?” Twilight called out there was no response. She decided to go look back in town. She left the cottage heading back the way she came. She looked down the path she was on to see a spike running towards her a panicked look on his face.
“TWILIGHT!” he gasped. He was breathing heavily.
“What is it, Spike? What’s wrong?” Twilight asked.
“URSA MAJOR! IT SWALLOWED THE LIBRARY!”
“MY RESAERCH!” Twilight teleports to the town and sees the massive figure of the ursa major stomping a building to bits. Rarity is fatally trying to defend her boutique by firing bolts of magic at it. unfortunately, they only catch the attention of the ursa.
Twilight tries to teleport the contents of the uses stomach to safety but she can’t get a hold on it. she decides to go to plan B. she summons the other worlds objects from the ursa majors stomach. She feels her magic take hold and pull. She grits her teeth and feeds more magic into the spell. Her horn glows brighter and she feels her magic pulled from her in a far greater amount than should be necessary. She feels herself running out of magic quickly and she tries to stop the spell but she can’t. The magic is being pulled out of her. Suddenly there is a crack like thunder a bright flash of light and suddenly the ursa major is gone. In its place is a mansion. The spells hold on twilights magic stops leaving an exhausted twilight collapsed on the ground. Applejack runs to twilight.
“Are you alright?” Asks AJ holding out a hoof for twilight.
“Yah thanks, AJ. Just a little tired is all.” Twilight grabs AJ’s hoof and is helped up. Her legs feel like Jell-O. She takes a few shaky steeps at first but quickly finds her balance.
“Uh, twilight where did that mansion come from?” asked Rainbow dash flying down and landing beside AJ.
“I don’t know, Rainbow but my beast guess is another world.” Twilight just hoped nopony was inside.
Welcome to the world of writing! I spotted your fic and decided to offer some advice.
You're checking off a lot of boxes that many readers will find cliche, and at the the very least overused. Dead parents? Check. Self-insert qualities? Check. Tough upbringing? Check. Randomly popping into Equestria with no explanation? Check. The sudden lavish wealth seems like it was shoehorned in just for the sake of adding a superficial level of interest to the plot; to that end, it really doesn't seem to add much to the story as it currently stands (although I understand that could change). This is also a very subjective list; some people don't care about common tropes and others will nitpick.
The trouble is, your protagonist isn't that interesting. In fact, his only notable quality is that he's ridiculously lucky. On that note, I'm guilty to some degree as well but I've learned that you can implement conventional tropes and pass them off as engaging if you add in some unconventional yet believable details. I also realize that it's still pretty early but first impressions are important.
Your spelling and grammar need a lot of work. There's a great writing guide available for you to use, and I suggest you study it carefully before proceeding. Readability is critically important; practice that until you know proper sentence construction like the back of your hand.
The bottom line is that you have a lot to learn but that's okay. This is the best way; there's no "wax on, wax off" to writing. You learn by doing it and practicing a lot. This story isn't for me, mostly because it's been done a lot and is very difficult to do well. Still, don't let that stop you from writing and I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.
Thanks for the input will try to improve.
:)
8681588
The reply to comment button looks like >>. Just so you know.
8681623
Thx :)
I have a lot to learn
I haven't read the story yet but I have some advice. First, there is a writing guide for new writers . Second, I spotted mistakes instantly. So, first Equestria, in my opinion, should be have had first letter capped. And also your description could use work. The first thing you could do is check your spelling again. Like your wrote livening instead of living. Also I just quickly scanned through the story and noted many other things. You could work on the character's names all starting with a capped letter. Also you could use better punctuation... but practice will make perfect eventually.
I wish you luck :) And you can always look for a proof reader if you rather have someone else check for mistakes once you can't find anymore yourself. You're doing well for a new writer.
8681714
Thanks! I really appreciate the help.
8681724
No problem!
my suspention of disbiliefe was tested at the end there
meaning what I find believable within the context of the story