It's not bad but for some reason it seems...worse than I remember the other chapters to be...it feels like you just wanted to end the story and just tied all of the end together at once...but then again it IS some time since I read the other chapters and it is still good.
Kinda arrogant of Twilight to think of herself above Celestia and Luna (being the [ONLY] one who can help others), even before it gets true with all the power she got from Dawn.
Also Trollestia trolling Twilight with the daughter part
: Hey Twi, why were you offered the choice to become an alicorn? : Well, Celestia's and Luna's mother offered it to me. : Their mother? How did you get to know her? : Wait, you didn't know? I'm dating her. : .... I think Twi didn't tell them about Light, judging by the conversation with Rarity. If she ever did, then I'm afraid I've forgotten it. If she didn't, then such a conversation is what I would've wanted. But that's just because I'm a sucker for moments/acts/whatevers that seem kinda normal to someone, but completely flabbergast everybody else.
I bet what's going through Twily's mind now would definitely be how to tell her friends why she's immortal now.
This song comes from the unmute Mute, the bandit of Vandit, the Mastermind for Success, and the man who can out-DJ DJ Pon-3: The one and only Paul van Dyk!
Actually, I think DJ Pon-3's DJing skills would equal Paul van Dyk's skills if I could equate it to something.
Pace: To fast (And I mean from the very start, not only when you suddenly jump a few years ahead)
Dialogue: Not believable
Characters: RD is OOC (Element of Loyalty, and then leaving Twilight alone? Really? And just because of a shiny, sparkely unicorn, and not because of like... an ursa major or NMM or Discord?) That all of her friends had/have a crush on her is also unbelievable. And worse, it's doesn't do anything for your story. Just some words without meaning. The same with Spikes feelings and thoughts about Twilight.
Idea: Not bad, but would need a better crafted backround story. Just throwing some new gods into the mix and a adding an explanation we can expect from a C- movie doesn't work, if you want to craft a tale you readers enjoy to the fullest.
And don't let me start about the romance part and especially Twilights reaction of "hey, an immortal goddess, which is Celestias mom, loves me, because an evil spell forces her to, but hey, why not! come get me sexy millenia old mama, I want you to rut me silly with fancy sex-spells!" I mean... really?
And just because I'm a bit wondering: What do you want this story to be about? About Dawning Light? About Twilight? About Choices in your live? It isn't clear up untill now, and as you said, there is one chapter to go, then it probably won't become clear.
Sorry, if there is too much sarcasm in my post, but i wanted to make clear where problems, mistakes and holes in your story are. And as I said, the idea isn't bad. I would say, you should finish the story, let it lay for 2-3 months, read it again, ask some editors to look over it and provide you with ideas, and then revise it.
PS: If you do revise it, pm me and I would give it a shot again.
1396586 You should probably bin this comment, not that I don't agree with what's being said, but instead of editing it you've simply posted twice with an addition. In the interest of preserving your (assumed) fine reputation, deleting this comment will prevent you looking like either A: a plonker. Or B: a attention seeking double posting asshole. Little leap of faith but I'm gonna assume you're neither.
Kadzie O'Nayl, protecting internet reputation everywhere
1395871 Please continue for a few more chapters to show Twilight getting used to her life and then another couple of chapters of Twilight when she is older and her friends die.
Im upset only one more chapter. This is a unique take. I do wish some things where explained more, and you had made it longer, but maybe make a... sequal.
1395809 This is off topic, but I just gotta give you a hand for that death the kid picture also, I've always wondered if mlp were to end after dozens of season, would twilight become an alicorn???
1405982 i dunno, i think she would proberly mind you, i imagine dash becoming a memeber of the wonderbolts, applejacks farm becoming the best in the world, pinkie becoming bruce lee steven segale norris, rarity becoming the greatest fashion designer ever and shy becoming luna's best friend.
that or pinkie invents a robot and becomes robo pinkie
There wasn't much conflict it felt like, there was always a perfect spell for everything; problems were solved too conveniently. I could easily skip paragraphs and not be lost. I also felt very little connection to the story characters, this was probably due to how quickly problems cropped up and were immediately solved. Going to a more technical stand point, there were words that where used incorrectly, I am guessing that is because they were misspelled and your word editor replaced it with a similarly spelled but different word.
The Road goes ever on and on Out from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, Let others follow it who can! Let them a journey new begin, But I at last with weary feet Will turn towards the lighted inn, My evening-rest and sleep to meet.
hmm... you know, there's a song that fits this chapter, but...
this chapter is good! just like all the others!
It's not bad but for some reason it seems...worse than I remember the other chapters to be...it feels like you just wanted to end the story and just tied all of the end together at once...but then again it IS some time since I read the other chapters and it is still good.
1395868 One chapter left.
So, Twilight is now a Alicorn. What comes next?
Kinda arrogant of Twilight to think of herself above Celestia and Luna (being the [ONLY] one who can help others), even before it gets true with all the power she got from Dawn.
Also Trollestia trolling Twilight with the daughter part
: Hey Twi, why were you offered the choice to become an alicorn?
: Well, Celestia's and Luna's mother offered it to me.
: Their mother? How did you get to know her?
: Wait, you didn't know? I'm dating her.
: ....
I think Twi didn't tell them about Light, judging by the conversation with Rarity. If she ever did, then I'm afraid I've forgotten it.
If she didn't, then such a conversation is what I would've wanted.
But that's just because I'm a sucker for moments/acts/whatevers that seem kinda normal to someone, but completely flabbergast everybody else.
All right, so Twily finally made her mind up and now she begins her life as an immortal alicorn.
Here's a song I thought fit well with this chapter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJSDQWtYlIw
I bet what's going through Twily's mind now would definitely be how to tell her friends why she's immortal now.
This song comes from the unmute Mute, the bandit of Vandit, the Mastermind for Success, and the man who can out-DJ DJ Pon-3: The one and only Paul van Dyk!
Actually, I think DJ Pon-3's DJing skills would equal Paul van Dyk's skills if I could equate it to something.
Pace: To fast (And I mean from the very start, not only when you suddenly jump a few years ahead)
Dialogue: Not believable
Characters:
RD is OOC (Element of Loyalty, and then leaving Twilight alone? Really? And just because of a shiny, sparkely unicorn, and not because of like... an ursa major or NMM or Discord?)
That all of her friends had/have a crush on her is also unbelievable. And worse, it's doesn't do anything for your story. Just some words without meaning. The same with Spikes feelings and thoughts about Twilight.
Idea: Not bad, but would need a better crafted backround story. Just throwing some new gods into the mix and a adding an explanation we can expect from a C- movie doesn't work, if you want to craft a tale you readers enjoy to the fullest.
And don't let me start about the romance part and especially Twilights reaction of "hey, an immortal goddess, which is Celestias mom, loves me, because an evil spell forces her to, but hey, why not! come get me sexy millenia old mama, I want you to rut me silly with fancy sex-spells!"
I mean... really?
And just because I'm a bit wondering: What do you want this story to be about? About Dawning Light? About Twilight? About Choices in your live? It isn't clear up untill now, and as you said, there is one chapter to go, then it probably won't become clear.
Sorry, if there is too much sarcasm in my post, but i wanted to make clear where problems, mistakes and holes in your story are. And as I said, the idea isn't bad. I would say, you should finish the story, let it lay for 2-3 months, read it again, ask some editors to look over it and provide you with ideas, and then revise it.
PS: If you do revise it, pm me and I would give it a shot again.
1395871 so after that chapter no continuation it will be over Or will there be more
1396586 You should probably bin this comment, not that I don't agree with what's being said, but instead of editing it you've simply posted twice with an addition. In the interest of preserving your (assumed) fine reputation, deleting this comment will prevent you looking like either A: a plonker. Or B: a attention seeking double posting asshole.
Little leap of faith but I'm gonna assume you're neither.
Kadzie O'Nayl, protecting internet reputation everywhere
1396825 Double posting wasn't intended. Thanks for pointing that out^^
1395871 Please continue for a few more chapters to show Twilight getting used to her life and then another couple of chapters of Twilight when she is older and her friends die.
One chapter isn't enough! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png
Im upset only one more chapter. This is a unique take. I do wish some things where explained more, and you had made it longer, but maybe make a... sequal.
950803
not only is that amalthea, that is the original art from The Last Unicorn.
sorry. my inner Fanboy went crazy for a moment.
How much to this is left?
And what not?
That was a long dramatic pause between posts..
Still worth it!!
1395871
Then I want a sequel.
1395809 This is off topic, but I just gotta give you a hand for that death the kid picture also, I've always wondered if mlp were to end after dozens of season, would twilight become an alicorn???
1405982 i dunno, i think she would proberly
mind you, i imagine dash becoming a memeber of the wonderbolts, applejacks farm becoming the best in the world, pinkie becoming bruce lee steven segale norris, rarity becoming the greatest fashion designer ever and shy becoming luna's best friend.
that or pinkie invents a robot and becomes robo pinkie
Hahaha, robo pinkie. Reminded me of crush, kill, destroy, swag!
There wasn't much conflict it felt like, there was always a perfect spell for everything; problems were solved too conveniently. I could easily skip paragraphs and not be lost. I also felt very little connection to the story characters, this was probably due to how quickly problems cropped up and were immediately solved. Going to a more technical stand point, there were words that where used incorrectly, I am guessing that is because they were misspelled and your word editor replaced it with a similarly spelled but different word.
browse.deviantart.com/art/Twilight-the-Alicorn-220256566
I've got a song for this chapter:
The Road goes ever on and on
Out from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
Let others follow it who can!
Let them a journey new begin,
But I at last with weary feet
Will turn towards the lighted inn,
My evening-rest and sleep to meet.
The problem is that you skipped a few years, I actually wanted to see Twilight's progress
9230696
Ya I can agree with this.