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Serious comments, please. No bull crap. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Thanks for the feedback!
im so confused
and it escalated so quickly
Pretty good so far. Will give a detailed review once the story continues a bit more.
So Greek Letters=Goddesses
Also:
i.qkme.me/3omnqu.jpg
Interesting story so far, first unicorn is probably lonely all alone in the Everfree so yeah go kiss a unicorn, but why doesnt she just go visit ponyville, maybe she cant leave the forest and disappears during the day?
Then the question is, is it connected to Celestia and Luna, maybe Twilight smells like them so she liked her.
Is that Amalthea? animenation.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/6a00d8341c5d9653ef0120a8b6fcf7970b.jpg
950787 There's more to this than you would ever think. Also, keep in mind, I've had this idea with me for a while. In this story, everything you think isn't what it ends up being!
950803 this story is made with a 100% original character that i came up with about 2-3 months ago.
950821 Oh sorry it's just the one on the cover looked like her. So that's why I asked. Good beginning despite is a little fast, but good never the less.
950826 i have been known to jump to the good part...
(note to self... make beginning longer)
to bad a stallion didn't find her
950912
her cutie mark is Omega, which is the last letter in the greek alphabet, and yet shes the first unicorn? So er, end of the beginning or something philisophical like that? Shouldnt her cutie mark be an Alpha? But ponies know about greeks...im confuse. Anyways Lol escalation
950996 you'll find out why EXACTLY she has that cutie mark later. and thanks for stealing twilights question! now i have to remix it to sound like i didnt get in off a comment!
I agree with the others in that it felt rushed. However, It also brings many questions as to why the glowing unicorn acted like that. I look forward to the answers as to why.
Also, I took it upon myself to look over your fanfic and point out anything I could find that I believed to be incorrect grammar-wise. I also added sentence suggestions to may or may not help the flow of your story.
For the sake of not making this post long as f*yay*k, I'll put it in this -->link<--
951022 Imagine, if you will, the number of thank you's you have ever received in your life and times it by ten! This is how many thank you's I want to give you. I will update this later and include you in the description as a special thanks personnel! If of course, that's alright with you.
A little rushed, as everyone else has stated, but an interesting concept.
951084 well... i think im going to revamp the start and make it longer. plus fix some tecknical stuff, but you guys r gonna need to wait as i am going to bed now.
951098 That was a quick response! Can't wait to see what the future holds for this fic!!!
need.....moar....... NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
when will the next one be out?
951057 Uhm, sure if you want. I'm not exactly an A+ reviewer, but if I really did as good as you say (That's a lot of thank you's by the way.) I'll gladly consider giving input on your other chapters.
Hmmmm...
.
Interesting....
The "her cutie mark was an omega meaning she's a goddess" line made me siiiiiiiiiigh
Not because she's a goddess I'm cool with that.
It's cause you narrated it...
I get the feeling Twilight and Rainbow don't know she's a goddess and if that's so don't tell the audience... It takes away any and all mystery and makes the character boring.
Always try to show things like that, through dialogue, instead of telling it through narration.
I'll with hold upthumb untill later...
I agree with a few others It did go fast but this was a fabulous story none the less can't wait for the next installment of this story as always have a fabulous day everypony
951104
951105next chapter will either be out today or tomorrow. depends if i have enough free time.
951111 cool. and thanks again. i think with those corrections, this chapter will be much better!
951181good point. ill clarify that!
951700>>951700 thanks for the positive feedback! it wont be long until the other chapters are added.
Interesting story so far. Besides the feeling of it being rushed, I felt there was no distinction between time breaks, such as when Rainbow and Twilight were in the tree house (assuming middle of night), then it was morning and they were preparing to go to the Everfree Forest, then they were there.
Good read and will be tracking.
Well, that was certainly... unexpected.
953145
CELESTIA??? Didn't expect you to read my story! EVERPONY BOW BEFORE HER MAJESTY!
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRGiQSrQXxrTjoDuEmpofD44BzKWUQaH_ZZ-KD18sSBFrdyyu98cDEPx5oN
953219
Oh, no need to bow before me, really. I'm just here to read some of my subjects' wonderful stories.
953285 oh- of course. enjoy!
Short, yes. Weird, yes. Rushed, yes. Good... I hope so!
Please leave serious comments. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Thank you for the feedback.
Consider doing thoughts in italics; it is a fairly common way of denoting a character is thinking the words.
Also:
Do try to spell out all dialogue rather than telling the summary like in the above quote; the exception being when the speaker is a talking about something the reader already knows and is fairly long. Showing the dialogue rather than telling about it will make the story flow better and seem less rushed.
PS:
You forgot to capitalize Twilight's name in a few spots.
953804 Thoughts in italics would pose a better way of thinking things... I guess I'll edit this.
Well this will be interesting, a sex crazed whatever will tell Twilight her story.
I like this story and hoping for more!
953848 Remember. This is going to be the twist of a life time! Your head will spin! The sun will be delayed from rising as Celestia reads this! Trolls will be asking themselves "Dafuq???"
953863
I eagerly await the twist then, maybe its Cellys sexuality that ran away from the castle dungeons
Celestia splitting that part of her to more easily rule since she ended up alone.
953879
good one! no... no that's not it.
953879
Now, that's just not fair.
953879 uh, oh! be careful, Celestia read your comment!
953934 no worries, the twist is nothing like dr. whooves description. its way more epic!
I enjoyed the premise. I will have to keep reading to see. As everyone said felt a bit rushed and escalated quickly. But like you said more will be explained!
954469 much more!
Legs, possibly just the forelegs depending upon the size difference.
For more error checking, try looking into groups on this site that help with finding editors.
The transition could have been done better by having Twilight agree, and plan to prep during the day. Then start a new scene that is clearly separate (such as using a line break) that starts off with Twilight going through a checklist of materials for the last time before they start off.
As I mentioned in a comment on the next chapter,
such a unique concept and wonder what happened to rainbow dash
955283 Her name is dawning light. not mourning light. I like this song but the feel of the singing doesn't seem to match.
955026right now, i am working on the third chapter which is where you find out just who dawning light really is. this will take a lot of concetration and mental focus. editing will be put off but not forgotten. i appreciate the feedback and will be sure to revamp the first and second chapter to increase the interesting feel of the story.
955369 read second chapter.
955446 lol its o.k. just do me a favor.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/320/7/1/princess_celestia__calm___o3o_by_roxannethecat-d4gesl9.png
955486 thank you. now then. read first comment of each chapter. i sometimes forget i told myself and you ppl no bull crap comments. what do you think that was? ill try to behave as you should to. (this does not include pictures nor special celebratory goal comments from the author.
I can't wait to see more of Twilight Sparkle and Dawning Light's blossoming relationship, Art.
I was listening to this song while I was reading this chapter and I thought it fit well with the story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HELbaKfRXrY
After learning of Dawning Light's name and nature, Twilight will definitely be calling her name now!
I'm interested to see more! Please keep going!
I'm going to note the same thing Gwenio noted: I would suggest writing out the dialog, especially when that dialog is in the middle of the dialog from which the missing dialog should be part of. (Yay for confusing sentence structure.) It's actually kinda hard to immerse oneself when one pony speaks and the other is described as speaking.
Aside from that, I can't think of anything else that would be worth mentioning.
I'm interested in what's going to happen next.