Consider doing thoughts in italics; it is a fairly common way of denoting a character is thinking the words.
Also:
As she walked into town headed for her tree house, Rainbow Dash called for her from a nearby cloud.
Do try to spell out all dialogue rather than telling the summary like in the above quote; the exception being when the speaker is a talking about something the reader already knows and is fairly long. Showing the dialogue rather than telling about it will make the story flow better and seem less rushed.
PS: You forgot to capitalize Twilight's name in a few spots.
953848 Remember. This is going to be the twist of a life time! Your head will spin! The sun will be delayed from rising as Celestia reads this! Trolls will be asking themselves "Dafuq???"
955283 Her name is dawning light. not mourning light. I like this song but the feel of the singing doesn't seem to match.
955026right now, i am working on the third chapter which is where you find out just who dawning light really is. this will take a lot of concetration and mental focus. editing will be put off but not forgotten. i appreciate the feedback and will be sure to revamp the first and second chapter to increase the interesting feel of the story.
955486 thank you. now then. read first comment of each chapter. i sometimes forget i told myself and you ppl no bull crap comments. what do you think that was? ill try to behave as you should to. (this does not include pictures nor special celebratory goal comments from the author.
I'm going to note the same thing Gwenio noted: I would suggest writing out the dialog, especially when that dialog is in the middle of the dialog from which the missing dialog should be part of. (Yay for confusing sentence structure.) It's actually kinda hard to immerse oneself when one pony speaks and the other is described as speaking.
Aside from that, I can't think of anything else that would be worth mentioning.
957486 Thank you, Art. I couldn't help but think about Twilight breaking into song like she did for "B.B.B.F.F." and "Love Is In Bloom" for her chance encounter with Dawning Light. Except she would be singing the song from the YouTube link.
If that happened for real, the show would be a lot more than 20% cooler!
Gotta say Dash feels incredibly OOC here. She's really willing to let one of her best friends go back into a definitely dangerous and questionable place with no concern whatsoever? Dash is normally very inquisitive and protective of her friends. Ditto for just ditching her.
Rainbow frowned at this and said “I’d really rather not go back there. It makes me feel funny being in those dark woods. If you wanna go alone, that’s fine by me!”
wow... even rainbows loyalty has an end it seems, and it also seems a glowing mare is just outside that range
Short, yes. Weird, yes. Rushed, yes. Good... I hope so!
Please leave serious comments. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Thank you for the feedback.
Consider doing thoughts in italics; it is a fairly common way of denoting a character is thinking the words.
Also:
Do try to spell out all dialogue rather than telling the summary like in the above quote; the exception being when the speaker is a talking about something the reader already knows and is fairly long. Showing the dialogue rather than telling about it will make the story flow better and seem less rushed.
PS:
You forgot to capitalize Twilight's name in a few spots.
953804 Thoughts in italics would pose a better way of thinking things... I guess I'll edit this.
Well this will be interesting, a sex crazed whatever will tell Twilight her story.
I like this story and hoping for more!
953848 Remember. This is going to be the twist of a life time! Your head will spin! The sun will be delayed from rising as Celestia reads this! Trolls will be asking themselves "Dafuq???"
953863
I eagerly await the twist then, maybe its Cellys sexuality that ran away from the castle dungeons
Celestia splitting that part of her to more easily rule since she ended up alone.
953879 good one! no... no that's not it.
953879
Now, that's just not fair.
953879 uh, oh! be careful, Celestia read your comment!
953934 no worries, the twist is nothing like dr. whooves description. its way more epic!
954469 much more!
955283 Her name is dawning light. not mourning light. I like this song but the feel of the singing doesn't seem to match.
955026right now, i am working on the third chapter which is where you find out just who dawning light really is. this will take a lot of concetration and mental focus. editing will be put off but not forgotten. i appreciate the feedback and will be sure to revamp the first and second chapter to increase the interesting feel of the story.
955369 read second chapter.
955446 lol its o.k. just do me a favor.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/320/7/1/princess_celestia__calm___o3o_by_roxannethecat-d4gesl9.png
955486 thank you. now then. read first comment of each chapter. i sometimes forget i told myself and you ppl no bull crap comments. what do you think that was? ill try to behave as you should to. (this does not include pictures nor special celebratory goal comments from the author.
I can't wait to see more of Twilight Sparkle and Dawning Light's blossoming relationship, Art.
I was listening to this song while I was reading this chapter and I thought it fit well with the story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HELbaKfRXrY
After learning of Dawning Light's name and nature, Twilight will definitely be calling her name now!
I'm interested to see more! Please keep going!
I'm going to note the same thing Gwenio noted: I would suggest writing out the dialog, especially when that dialog is in the middle of the dialog from which the missing dialog should be part of. (Yay for confusing sentence structure.) It's actually kinda hard to immerse oneself when one pony speaks and the other is described as speaking.
Aside from that, I can't think of anything else that would be worth mentioning.
I'm interested in what's going to happen next.
Hmmmmmmmmm okay fine have a like.
956340 nice song!
956586 feeling the effect of the enigma yet?
956751 understood. thank you!
957414 hooray!
Over 300 views, 35 likes and a whole BUNCH of faves, this story is really kicking it! Oh, and only 1 dislike.
~you guys are the best. even you Mr. dislike!~
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/152/202/trollestia2.png
957554
And that is the magic of friendship! Or viewership.
957852 It sure is, your majesty!
Wonder why she has no voice. Can't wait for the next chapter!!! The story was rushed but the ending made up for it
957486
Thank you, Art. I couldn't help but think about Twilight breaking into song like she did for "B.B.B.F.F." and "Love Is In Bloom" for her chance encounter with Dawning Light. Except she would be singing the song from the YouTube link.
If that happened for real, the show would be a lot more than 20% cooler!
It would also have me dancing like this: gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs4/1540699_o.gif
Gotta say Dash feels incredibly OOC here. She's really willing to let one of her best friends go back into a definitely dangerous and questionable place with no concern whatsoever? Dash is normally very inquisitive and protective of her friends. Ditto for just ditching her.
Why didn't Twilight asked Celestia
wow... even rainbows loyalty has an end it seems, and it also seems a glowing mare is just outside that range