977719 you should have made her read the minds of the guys in town that would have made for an awkward trip.... ha ha ha..... i bet that love spell affect all ponies not just light.
As always interesting but I get the impression from this chapter that Dawning Light's husband wasn't really that good to her from the start and Flare, both in this and earlier chapters, seems to be a hypocrite considering he subdued her first, even though she was married to another, and then he feels so high over her when another, maybe more friendly person/god, does the same and force such a harsh punishment on her considering he had done that same to her as Crescent, just without it being discovered, will be waiting for the next to see what happens.
Holy cow, Art! For learning of her mother's origins and tragic backstory, Celestia seems to handle the news pretty well. I just hope her mind didn't get warped from seeing Dawning Light and Twily kissing.
Since Dawning Light was never supposed to be seen kissing Celestia's protégé, I figured this would be going through Light's mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjMw_ChgGE
From being caught by Celestia to giving Spike the brush off that reveals all, accidents definitely happen to Twily and Dawning Light!
978149 She's not a ho. Read this comment. It explains everything in my eyes.
As always interesting but I get the impression from this chapter that Dawning Light's husband wasn't really that good to her from the start and Flare, both in this and earlier chapters, seems to be a hypocrite considering he subdued her first, even though she was married to another, and then he feels so high over her when another, maybe more friendly person/god, does the same and force such a harsh punishment on her considering he had done that same to her as Crescent, just without it being discovered,
She is sorry for what she did. I thought I made this clear! And if your comment is a troll comment, please read the first comment of each chapter! other than that, thanks for the feedback!
978178 Is three gods everything that moved? No, they aren't. Crist, your ruining her image. Fuck what she did in her past life as an alicorn goddess, this is her now. she is sorry for what she did, she has spent most of her life apologizing, she hasn't had any sexual encounters with anything for a few MILLENIUMS! how is she still a ho?
As she looked to her left, she saw a basket filled with assorted fruits with a note attached to the handle.-> You should avoid things like the double with, maybe change the second one to an and or something like that. she saw the sun a little passed the position it would be in for noon.-> I'm gonna go ahead and assume you wanted to say a little past the position, right? Spike is gonna be worries sick about me!-> worried I have a new special some pony-> not sure here, but shouldn't somepony be one word instead of two? Never assume things can’t get worse!-> Please refrain from something like this. Direct interaction from the author in a third person fic really breaks the narrative, especially if it's big, red and underlined.(At least that's the case for me) She was about to grab a spell book and start studying when Spike burped up a letter from Princess Celestia!-> Not sure why you put an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence... Actually that happened a few times during your fic, but I mostly overlooked it. You’re mentor and teacher, Princess Celestia.-> Your as she opened the gates of heaven for flare to raise his sun…-> Flare As Twilight left town, guess who arrived in Ponyville; Princess Celestia!-> Again, this may be just a personal issue of mine, but it kinda breaks the narrative. As she landed, she hoped out saying “Thank you gentle colts.”-> hopped, also I think gentlecolts is one word, like gentleman, since I doubt that you'd adress someone as "Hello, gentle XXX" spike asked in astonishment.-> Spike She went to the ever free forest!-> Everfree Forest, also, why the exclamation mark? I doubt that Spike would shout that in her face, seeing that Twi should be able to take care of herself. but they did make facial excretions like a smile and nodding their heads in some sort of agreement-> facial excretions... I think you meant expressions That’s when Celestia couldn’t take anymore.-> Shouldn't it be "That’s when Celestia couldn’t take it anymore."? Twilight was stunned and almost could form the sentence she was trying to say.-> I think you meant couldn't, right? The glowing mare was trembling with her mouth open ajar-> I don't think it's correct to say "open ajar", since they both mean the same thing, so you should propably choose one of the two. “Who’s your… Special some pony?”-> Again with somepony. And I’m sorry to…-> too As twilight finished her sentence-> Twilight As twilight got closer to the next part-> ^ Even twilight found it hard to speak as Light cried.-> ^ I was pushed to far by my husband not coming to me-> too I had his Child-> Random Capitalization Him and me were inseparable.-> Not sure on this one, but shouldn't it be "He and I were inseparable."? After that, my husband remover my wings-> removed
Wow... Wall-o-text.. This is actually my first one of those. Also, English isn't my native language, so I wouldn't give too much on my opinion for the more vague points. Still, I hope I could help a bit
978131 It's beautiful music, not sure if it really fits though, but I didn't notice the link the first time I read it and when I was looking for errors, I had some other music on, so I didn't experience both together.
P.S. So far, I'm satisfied with the story, the pacing may be a bit fast for me, but it's still ok. The only other complain I have would be the chapter length, but seeing the rate of updates, that can be excused.
978864 A bit? You helped a lot! Enough to get your user name on the description where I provide my special thanks even! I'm really grateful. like REALLY grateful!
979085 Have you not read my other clopfics? Like Princess Celestia's royal secret, or Cooling the heat of summer... And then some! Those are successes in my eyes. It doesn't matter if you add a little or a lot of cloppiness; What matters is if you know what the readers will probably like! Rule #101 from art inspired. Not too much (unless that's what your going for), but not too little. Throw some sad parts in if necessary, and for the most part, you will have a successful story to tell.
959463 Alright... Lets see if I can't change your mind about Dawning Light. Read chapter 6 -Meeting her maker- And tell me what your opinion of her is, if it changes at all. If you don't comment, I will assume your opinion of her hasn't changed, which I understand full heartedly.
979121 most of the stories I read are clopfics but not just clopfics. I like a little drama in my clopfics, a sprinkle of sadness too spice things up. That's the secret formula, to me, for a great clopfic/story
979225 eeyup, I remember stories by how much they've made me cry. My little dashie and the party hasn't ended had me crying for half an hour. I don't like sad stories but little twists in a story can make me cry waterfall of tears. That's how I know if the author has done a great job. If they've left something in my brain that I can remember very well, those are the best stories for me, in my opinion.
979289 Now... And answer me truthfully, did this story get you feeling a little choked up or even feeling sympathetic for Dawning Light? This is an important question. btw, congrads on being #300 on the comments!
Table of thought text's for this chapter.
Silver = Dawning Light
Purple =Twilight
Please leave positive comments. No bull crap, please. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Thank you for the feed back.
you know with the way Twilight i loved then i would not be surprised if the princess's loved her to.
977708 i know.
977719 you should have made her read the minds of the guys in town that would have made for an awkward trip.... ha ha ha..... i bet that love spell affect all ponies not just light.
977733
good chapter. :D it felt short, but it looked long. well done
977734 it would have been great, think of big mac his thought come out totally different from his outward expressions
977738 Thanks!
977740Lolz, I would mess up Big Mac so badly. It wouldn't even be funny.
977757 i can see it know him thinking like a posh British man about all of the mares he has been with and who plans to go after next aka 8==D
Well then.
BAM, more back story!
As always interesting but I get the impression from this chapter that Dawning Light's husband wasn't really that good to her from the start and Flare, both in this and earlier chapters, seems to be a hypocrite considering he subdued her first, even though she was married to another, and then he feels so high over her when another, maybe more friendly person/god, does the same and force such a harsh punishment on her considering he had done that same to her as Crescent, just without it being discovered, will be waiting for the next to see what happens.
977780 THAT is the emotion i was getting at! THANK YOU!
977779
images.wikia.com/theamazingworldofgumball/images/2/21/I-will-tolerate-and-love-the-shit-out-of-you.jpg
977847
Dudebro, I said: Back story.
myfacewhen.net/uploads/219-o-rly.jpg
On a side note: Spike must never know!
977884 lolz, im just screwin with you!
Holy cow, Art! For learning of her mother's origins and tragic backstory, Celestia seems to handle the news pretty well. I just hope her mind didn't get warped from seeing Dawning Light and Twily kissing.
Since Dawning Light was never supposed to be seen kissing Celestia's protégé, I figured this would be going through Light's mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcjMw_ChgGE
From being caught by Celestia to giving Spike the brush off that reveals all, accidents definitely happen to Twily and Dawning Light!
977995
Aw, you're killing the game Babycakes, I had a whole list of pics set up for stuff like this!
978016
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/21323976.jpg
Wonderfull! Keep up the good work!
978044
when i started getting comments, i was like... but then i was like...
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTvO5IFX3G2YlrkiNXPP7E3p5CNMcNkLYqiWauhV1VAOWSmaTIzLMT_PEpy
977776c.cslacker.com/3815l.jpg
978093 lol
978099cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/23201921.jpg
978099>>978044>>978016>>978015>>977780>>977738>>976282>>976077>>973251>>970482by the way, what do all of you think about my new avatar pic???
978119SSP: i chose that song special for that chapter
978039
Dear Celestia, I'm having writer's block, but for comments!
978140
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/177/4/6/princess_trollestia__junk_mail_by_closer_to_the_sun-d3k3p9y.jpg
978149 She's not a ho. Read this comment. It explains everything in my eyes.
As always interesting but I get the impression from this chapter that Dawning Light's husband wasn't really that good to her from the start and Flare, both in this and earlier chapters, seems to be a hypocrite considering he subdued her first, even though she was married to another, and then he feels so high over her when another, maybe more friendly person/god, does the same and force such a harsh punishment on her considering he had done that same to her as Crescent, just without it being discovered,
She is sorry for what she did. I thought I made this clear! And if your comment is a troll comment, please read the first comment of each chapter! other than that, thanks for the feedback!
978122 i am not gonna lie.....your avatar pony kicks the shit out of my avatar in creativeness.cool pic all the same though(very ARTistic).
978178 Is three gods everything that moved? No, they aren't. Crist, your ruining her image. Fuck what she did in her past life as an alicorn goddess, this is her now. she is sorry for what she did, she has spent most of her life apologizing, she hasn't had any sexual encounters with anything for a few MILLENIUMS! how is she still a ho?
determinismsucks.net/archive/CONFOUND_THESE_PONIES_THEY_DRIVE_ME_TO_DRINK-(n1290612841198).png
978183 that makes me smile THIS BIG!
deviantart.com/download/271095958/pinkie_pie___smile_by_zobe-d4heiza.png
978154
Fuck it, I'll care tomorrow.
For now I must best the Chicken of Bristol.
Good bye, farewell, arrivederci, cya and so long, and thanks for all the fish
978228 see yah
978557 Any and all colored text is thoughts of the characters. There is a table of color thoughts as the first comment of each chapter.
978601 i was talking about the fact that dawning light is Celestia's and Luna's mother. this is a very light clopfic.
I have to say I enjoyed this chapter but also feel that it was cut a bit short. Can't wait for more!
978646 Yea, I felt the same way, but then, It's a cliffhanger. Keeps the reader coming back for the next part.
978655 hmm... one second.
As she looked to her left, she saw a basket filled with assorted fruits with a note attached to the handle.-> You should avoid things like the double with, maybe change the second one to an and or something like that.
she saw the sun a little passed the position it would be in for noon.-> I'm gonna go ahead and assume you wanted to say a little past the position, right?
Spike is gonna be worries sick about me!-> worried
I have a new special some pony-> not sure here, but shouldn't somepony be one word instead of two?
Never assume things can’t get worse!-> Please refrain from something like this. Direct interaction from the author in a third person fic really breaks the narrative, especially if it's big, red and underlined.(At least that's the case for me)
She was about to grab a spell book and start studying when Spike burped up a letter from Princess Celestia!-> Not sure why you put an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence... Actually that happened a few times during your fic, but I mostly overlooked it.
You’re mentor and teacher, Princess Celestia.-> Your
as she opened the gates of heaven for flare to raise his sun…-> Flare
As Twilight left town, guess who arrived in Ponyville; Princess Celestia!-> Again, this may be just a personal issue of mine, but it kinda breaks the narrative.
As she landed, she hoped out saying “Thank you gentle colts.”-> hopped, also I think gentlecolts is one word, like gentleman, since I doubt that you'd adress someone as "Hello, gentle XXX"
spike asked in astonishment.-> Spike
She went to the ever free forest!-> Everfree Forest, also, why the exclamation mark? I doubt that Spike would shout that in her face, seeing that Twi should be able to take care of herself.
but they did make facial excretions like a smile and nodding their heads in some sort of agreement-> facial excretions... I think you meant expressions
That’s when Celestia couldn’t take anymore.-> Shouldn't it be "That’s when Celestia couldn’t take it anymore."?
Twilight was stunned and almost could form the sentence she was trying to say.-> I think you meant couldn't, right?
The glowing mare was trembling with her mouth open ajar-> I don't think it's correct to say "open ajar", since they both mean the same thing, so you should propably choose one of the two.
“Who’s your… Special some pony?”-> Again with somepony.
And I’m sorry to…-> too
As twilight finished her sentence-> Twilight
As twilight got closer to the next part-> ^
Even twilight found it hard to speak as Light cried.-> ^
I was pushed to far by my husband not coming to me-> too
I had his Child-> Random Capitalization
Him and me were inseparable.-> Not sure on this one, but shouldn't it be "He and I were inseparable."?
After that, my husband remover my wings-> removed
Wow... Wall-o-text..
This is actually my first one of those.
Also, English isn't my native language, so I wouldn't give too much on my opinion for the more vague points. Still, I hope I could help a bit
978131 It's beautiful music, not sure if it really fits though, but I didn't notice the link the first time I read it and when I was looking for errors, I had some other music on, so I didn't experience both together.
P.S. So far, I'm satisfied with the story, the pacing may be a bit fast for me, but it's still ok. The only other complain I have would be the chapter length, but seeing the rate of updates, that can be excused.
978122
I think your new avatar pic looks very nice. Such a nice contrast between your avatar's tan body and black stockings and whip.
978864 A bit? You helped a lot! Enough to get your user name on the description where I provide my special thanks even! I'm really grateful. like REALLY grateful!
978977 I know. It's sexy. Gotta love the collars and whip!
978864 psst... PSST... (read the description for this story.)
light clop, great plot > lots of clop, crappy plot
979085 Have you not read my other clopfics? Like Princess Celestia's royal secret, or Cooling the heat of summer... And then some! Those are successes in my eyes. It doesn't matter if you add a little or a lot of cloppiness; What matters is if you know what the readers will probably like! Rule #101 from art inspired. Not too much (unless that's what your going for), but not too little. Throw some sad parts in if necessary, and for the most part, you will have a successful story to tell.
959463 Alright... Lets see if I can't change your mind about Dawning Light. Read chapter 6 -Meeting her maker- And tell me what your opinion of her is, if it changes at all. If you don't comment, I will assume your opinion of her hasn't changed, which I understand full heartedly.
979121 most of the stories I read are clopfics but not just clopfics. I like a little drama in my clopfics, a sprinkle of sadness too spice things up. That's the secret formula, to me, for a great clopfic/story
979214Exactly; Your not the only one! Whats a story without a little suspense and a teary moment here and there?
979225 eeyup, I remember stories by how much they've made me cry. My little dashie and the party hasn't ended had me crying for half an hour. I don't like sad stories but little twists in a story can make me cry waterfall of tears. That's how I know if the author has done a great job. If they've left something in my brain that I can remember very well, those are the best stories for me, in my opinion.
979289 Now... And answer me truthfully, did this story get you feeling a little choked up or even feeling sympathetic for Dawning Light? This is an important question. btw, congrads on being #300 on the comments!
978228
ha, a guide to the galaxy refrence. well played good sir.