I like ponies, metal gear solid, and video games in general which should give you a hint as to what my writing's gonna look like.
Princess Celestia announces her retirement. Plans are set, cogs are moved, and Twilight Sparkle is determined to continue the Princess's legacy. But when a seperatist movement works to fill the void Celestia leaves it will take more than the Elements of Harmony to save the day.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This story is my first pony fic, and will be done in what I think is atypical of most other fiction here. It will be non-linear, though hopefully not non-linear enough to disrupt the narrative being told. Dark Sun, you may recognise from Dark Souls, a name that was going to be awesome for Celestia. If you find any glaring mistakes or anything you think can be improved on, or really anything you'd like to mention about the story please tell me. please?
Well you used the word hand instead of hoof a few times(any time it came up), unless their anthromorphic or humanized? And there are some typos.
Its a wall of text so that will putt people off, space it out, use enter. Dont know how to explain it properly but after each sentence a character says (and the thought,action or whatever going with it) use enter.
You are centering your text, so it might make it less visually "nice" looking not being a whole but that isnt as important as it being easy to read.
How i would do it without really thinking or checking it properly(text from your story):
Twilight turns around and sees her assistant. "Take a letter Spike." Spike smirks and grabs a nearby piece of parchment, getting the quill he keeps with him all the time.
"Just like old times huh?" Twilight smiles back and goes over to her notes. "Just like it. Except it's not about friendship anymore."
She makes a passing glance to a photo on the far end of the table. That of her and her friends on the eve of her second winter wrap up in Ponyville. She smiles. That seems so long ago. She harbours no delusion about the time that has passed since then. It had only been 4 years since she arrived in Ponyville but she had chosen to stay here, with her close friends, rather than go back to Canterlot. This was her life now. And her life's work was nuclear energy.
Also some short sentences are just useless and you can do a lot better with them.
"She smiled thinking about how long ago that was." or something similar.
I suggest you to join this group and let them help you improve and make this better: https://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=244
They will be better at helping you then i could im sure
964986 Thanks for commenting and for the constructive criticism. I'm still not used to pony-speak,and my over reliance on spell check has caused me to look my work over less and less. You're definitely right about the short sentences and getting more help. Thanks.
I enjoyed reading the first few chapters. There were some minor errors, such as when you say boy or hands. It was not enough to keep me from continuing to read the storythough. It is a very interesting premise and I enjoyed the ideas that you put into it.
966202 Thanks! The hooves, hands, colts boys, thing is a problem, but once I start immersing myself in brony-speak hopefully that'll disappear. The story is a sort of throw it in type story, where I just combine elements of stories from movies, and books and so on and so forth. I'm trying to create a Tarantino-like feel in the fic, which is weird because it's not a movie. But thanks for reading!
The story will go all over the place. It's not to confuse readers, it's a way to get them more into it. I think.