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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Man!! YOu made me cry for the sirens. ANd i'm not a fan of theirs!!
No crying for me, guess I'm just as cold and heartless as everyone says.
Nice world building.
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I didn't have a single shadow of doubt that you were cold.
Thanks for the compliment.
Cool story!
What's happening to his body?
That sentence made my head hurt.
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A mortal mind cannot comprehend the other dimensions in it's own dimension. Imagine a four-dimensional apple. Can you?
If you can't its because you need to have a basis. An apple has a colour, mass, shape.
What does the fourth dimension add to the mix? You can't imagine, because you need to experience something in another dimension, to understand it in yours.
You understand?
Yeah that makes sense it's really a matter of perspective and prior knowledge but even knowing that that doesn't make it not hurt my head I understand but my head still hurts XD
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N..no? Yes? Maybe? U just killed a part of my brain trying to think of this
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24.media.tumblr.com/cd730a5ff142cfbf079812f3579a7fb1/tumblr_mtvr7gEdvL1r0g22mo1_500.gif
I am notifying all my readers right now.
I might only be able to release the next chapter near the weekend. I want to have the next chapter written properly, but I don't have much time at the moment, so don't get your hopes up for the next chapter coming out on Wednesday, or Thursday maybe even Friday.
Order or Chaos out...
Are-are we done? We're still transmitting? Well then, turn it o-!
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...Well by common nerdy, RPG, fantasy, mythsbuster stories: a name holds power and... basically if you know a necromancers real name, then you can use him like a voodoo puppet.
Plus you can never be too careful.
More please my friend this story came out great so far
Ahh, Kos... or some say, Kosm...
Do you hear our prayers?
Grant us eyes, grant us eyes!
...sir, you are going to have a crossover with me at some point with this story, whether you will like it or not. The story I wish to crossover is my Faceless Ones, and I can tell you one thing, Twilight will not like meeting Pyramid Head. That is, if you allowed the crossover. *smiles madly*
The hell made Twilight like that?! Dats fucked up!!!
well, celestia's last name is a moderate red flag.....reeeeeally hoping thats not as bad as i suspect.....
and twilight is apparently a sociopath. great.......juuuuuuuuust great...................................as dark as this is seeming to get, i'm half expecting the rainbow storm to have been caused by the rainbow factory exploding or something
now I really want that cup
pink, hearts AND flowers?
ill take 20
Hmans were built for 2 four hour sleep cycles
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...Do you mean 8 hours a cycle?
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It's called dymaxion sleep cycle, here:
dreams.co.uk/sleep-matters-club/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/4-sleeping-cycles-you-didnt-know-about.jpg
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Hmm...I'm dead.
Grammar score out of 10: 8(I found some minor mistakes)
Pros:
Good idea and use of common ideas
Good use of the Sirens and Sunset
Consistency
Cons:
Weird format
There are so cliches that drag down the story
The use of the present tense
Notes:
“I hope that while reading this chapter you have shed at least a tear.
If not, then that either means, that you're a cold, heartless person, or I'm a bad writer.” — from your author’s not in chapter four.
I wouldn't call you a bad writer, but the story just sounded a bit cliche in the sense that it was trying to hard to make me feel something and the way Aria told the story made her sound more like she is reading a from a book than being there in person, I think you need to be more descriptive with her emotions and reactions. Side note, I’m the kind of person that like details descriptions and your lack of descriptions make the story look “bland” at first and the protagonist appears a sociopath or near sociopath, not that this is a bad thing in onto itself since some authors can use the these in their favor, but the first fact may be very off putting for casual readers, as for the second point I recommend reading The Sociopath page on TvTrope to see why it’s not a bad thing even if that might not have been your intention initially. Keep in mind that its possible to be too descriptive and I have been told that more often than not I fall in this category so that this part with a grain of salt since I'm kinda biased when it comes to highly descriptive stories.
I also found the text to be in a strange format, but that’s because I prefer smaller spaces between paragraphs, and I also found the first person perspective on the present tense to be weird and off-putting at first since I’m more used to a third-person perspective on the past tense. The first person perspective itself doesn’t bother me that much, however, the present tense I found to be jarring at first and it took me two chapters to get used to, then on chapter four you start used the past tense for the memories and I was back to familiar territory only to be put back in the present tense, which once again became jarring. Side note, as you have noticed from my story I tend to mix past and present tense in English, don’t take this as hypocrisy from my part but English isn’t my native language and I have some problems writing it and we tend to mix past and present in Portuguese —my native language— sometimes without problem. I recommend the thread Writing Help from the group The Equestrian Writers Guild, which has additional material that I post myself and that I use to improve my own writing, and Writing in First Person, Present Tense? Think Again from the blog Write or Wrong.
Lastly, the use of the characters so far has been consistent and I like the idea of the Displaced not going to where he was intended to go, an idea that I myself used on one of my stories and its rare used by writers, at least the ones that I read so far. The pacing up until now has been consistent but I don’t know I going to read further than here since that change to the present was very jarring and off-putting. I might continue later but that's my impressions of the story so far and thanks for the review of Other Realms.