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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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9381062
9381363
OOF
9381089
Looking what?
What was he reading abou?
9381516
He was reading abou
9382177
he was reading abou....abou is part of caribou if you add some letters...IS HE READING ABOUT CHEESE?
9382879
Mebe.
The story is interesting, but a bit meandering and with the world seeming to kind of bend to the main character's benefit though i suppose it's not so overt as to make the story unbearable. I feel that his consious time dialation, his ability to fight well even though he is malnourished and out of shape and all the training and leaway he's getting for someone who is so casually sociopathic and potentially dangerous are the most glaring issues of gary stu-dom. The story was better off in it's early chapters as many of the characters seemed to hold a bit of power and ability over him in some respects. He's an asshole yet people never really address it or if they do then they either have it waved off without consequence or they become disadvantaged in other ways so that they must submit. He holds a lot of edgy sentiments that are based on "technically correct" or no one really calling him out on his bullshit. There are mentions where his attitude and other flaws do affect him adversely but they are never impactful or have much relevance in the story with them being barely explained or quick rendered irrelevant by later events.
The biggest point at which this all plays out is the story arc with celestia. She really has little reason to play ball with him and can honestly tell him to take his concieted logic and shove it or get rekt. She has all the legal go ahead to do so and enough moral high ground to justify just incenerating him if he gets upity and starts demanding to keep dangerous magical artifacts in his possession. He's already shown he can make nigh impenetrable fortresses and devices capable of reaping souls for dark purposes with only a sketchy amount of morality while doing so.
By all rights and sane logic, he should have at least been detained and kept under lock and key for his crimes while celestia gets a better read on him and sees about ensuring he is not a threat at the very least. I also expect a thousands year old ruler to understand you don't have to lie to hide the truth and that his actions, while perhaps not irredeemable, are dangerous and irresponsible with a skewed idea of morality at best.
There are plenty of other occasions where it seems like his success and survival are only possible by author fiat but that's the one that kind of really made it obvious.
9383202
Thank you for pointing all that out. I have been wanting for so long for someone to point out how to make the character not seem like a Mary Sue while still having him be... Lucky. Or Gary, whichever. I was planning something originally to explain everyone's actions in the first couple chapters like... a couple tens of chapters in... Because there is actual logic there, the only problem now for me, I guess is to figure out how soon to do it.
PS: For your other concerns... Thinking back on the beginning of the first chaper... You could say this is a... Happy beginning. Then again! Let's see what I can make next.
9383463
The core essence of a gary stu (male mary sue) is that the world bends to him. Often they get away with things other people wouldn't and they do so with little reason for that being the case.
Preventing OP characters is often a matter of limiting the number of advantages a character has, building up relationships with people who have advantages they don't, and then making the problems around the cause of the problem rather than twisting them to be what the character can beat so that sometimes they have to back track or just basically try to survive and get away until they have a chance to actually do something about the problem.
Honestly, you might get a better story out of a hero who ran away from the village and went to get help, dealing with the generally vague orders given to the guards he meets of "don't let him back into canterlot" or something which wastes valuable time and has him causing a big commotion just so that Celestia comes down expecting to have to kill him but is instead told ponyville is already fucked by a mind control witch. Something roughly like that would be good because realistically that's what most people would do in that situation, especially given a character that has a skill set geared for traps and prepared artifacts with a weak body... Except for the matrix slow mo melee fighting. That's basically some ass pull bs, pls no more of that, or at least tone it down.
9384630
Sure for the last part. Was planning on that.
Will you let us vote on the new title of the story? Also whos vandons love interest, cause i see the Lt. Silver and sunset being prime choices?
9385913
Sadly, no, I already decided on it. Also... Love interest? Hwat?
9385916
Come on dude we know vandon is checking out flank behind them shades. Lol.
9385918
lol
9385918
That's just what you do in shades tho. Like, it's obligatory. You gotta make sure every flank inspection is up to date.
9388615
Yes, every guy should be given x-ray sunglasses with a 🎥 .
9388720
*Dies laughing*
great story so far hopefully it will be great till the end
Wait... is it just me or did you change the title of the story?
9395399
Why not check out the Authors notes?