After a long weekend at Wonderbolts practice, Rainbow Dash finds Scootaloo on top of a small hill on the outskirts of Ponyville, which she intends to ride down on her scooter. Now, Rainbow has seen her sister ride down much bigger hills than the one presented before her. But Rainbow still becomes terrified at the thought of her riding down it and possibly hurting herself. Thus Rainbow spends the majority of her day trying to comprehend why her fear had been so strong. Meanwhile, Scootaloo agrees to a competition with a fourteen year old Pegasus stallion, that may be a little too dangerous for an eight year old filly.
Chapters (6)
Oh puh-leeze! RD's parents never told her "no" in her life.
Can't wait for the next part.
8538090
Fair point :). They are awesome ponies.
8538090
Also, don't worry, the next part in this trilogy is on the way.
Great story
You have made quite an awesome story
8563746
Thank you so much!
8563739
Thank you.
Is Rainbow Dash pulling an Applejack?
8708716
I was attempting to take the moral of Some pony to watch over me, but execute it a little better by showing how to cope with over protective feelings. So essentially. Yes.
Sibling moment!
8708749
Indeed!
Race time.
Sweetie Belle was sick?
Dash is in overprotective mode again.
The mystery of Scootaloo continues.
8708935
She had a slight tummy bug, indeed. Nothing too major. But she worked all morning, instead of getting the rest she needed, which only made it worse. So, she went home and Rarity babied her until she fell asleep. That's when Rainbow Dash arrived.
You mean raised. Rose is the past tense of rise not raise.
You probably wanna avoid using as specific adjectives as sacred unless you plan to include something about a sun venerating cult in the future. Or anything this connects to. I hope you do it it would be hella fun. Most likely not though.
I kinda figured who the filly could be. No need for confirmation.
This sentence is so long and needlessly complicated that I'm pretty sure it could double as a script of a Chriss Nolan movie. The information you tell here are completely disconnected from one another. and they should be presented as such.
I watched the show. This segment is therefore completely pointless. Everyone who will ever read this will have also watched the show. So just scratch it.
This is not a monologue. This is a sentence and not a partcularly long one at that. Also is it really necessary to tell us how Scoots thoughts sound? Isn't that an oximoron?
Your grammar is all over the place and yet again you are shoving exposition down my throat. Also it's exposition about stuff I already know.
The 18th century called they want their words back.
If you want to change perspective you should do it between chapters or any longer units of your fic. This just looks bad writing.
Thesaurus is a great thing but this is no way to use juxtapose.
Rainbow Dash. This really shouldn't be my job. If you're not great at English find a lector.
Okay I had enough. I've read a grand total 649 word and I already feel my brain melting down. This is bad and you should feel bad that you didn't realise how bad it was. At least you could have had the decency to show it one of your friends first. Preferably one that actually read a book.
9058172
Gosh, it seems like so long since I wrote that. I'm sorry you didn't like it, but thanks for the criticism any way.
9058172
Also, I take it that the first story you wrote was absolutely perfect, correct. You didn't try, fail, get back up and learn how to do better next time, you just wrote your best work on your first attempt.
I very much appreciate the criticism and have never once claimed to be a great writer. I have a lot of growing and learning to do before I can honestly call me that. Moreover, I know this story isn't the best on Fimfiction, and I still have every intention in going back and editing it once I've finished Familial bonds part three.
But, being mean and tactless in your criticism doesn't do anypony any good. It just dissuades potentially great writers from practicing their craft.
9059896
There is absolutely no correlation between the our respective levels of writing. I critic others because I'm a human being with two functioning eyes, and that's all the justification I will ever need. I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything to anyone because I don't believe I'm gonna help anyone with that. And since life is not a anime people who absolutely suck at writing won't ever gonna just turn into great ones no matter who much they practice. People with enough talent to become a good writers are not gonna produce anything that would warrant a criticism as harsh as yours. And even if by some miracle there would be someone who's a brony, writes here, talented enough to become a successful novelist, and by some mysterious circumstances manages to produce something this bad, they would never be discouraged by a few harsh words. (And just for the record if you figured out a way to track my comments you would find this is far from my harshest criticism.)
This is a dangerous hobby you literally create something for other people to spit at. Don't act surprised when you find yourself covered in saliva.
And once you old enough you realise that if I don't hold you to my usually standard not only I would do a great disservice to you but also be disrespectful by suggesting that you are somehow physically or mentally incapable to meet my standards. And I don't think that. You are a human being and thus deserve nothing but my respect. It also comes with my fairness, but I don't think the two are separable in this case.
9060144
Okay, fair point. I apologise, I over reacted, as I have a tendency to do. I knew that this was going to happen eventually and I suppose it just snuck up on me.
As I said, I don't claim to be the greatest writer on Fimfiction, I have a LONG way to go before I can even consider myself to be on a level that's even close to that. But, I know that I have a glimmer of talent, my life would be in a very different place now if that weren't the case. Moreover, I know that I've grown a lot since writing that story. I know I uploaded it in November of 2017, but I wrote that story, at least a year before I uploaded it. Since then, I've taken creative writing classes and like to think that I've improved.
I planed on editing that story once I finished part three, but given the circumstance, it's fair to say that this needs to happen sooner rather than later. So feel free to read it again in a month or so. Or don't, we're both people here, with a lot of importance things to do.
Regardless, I wasn't deterred by your criticism, it was perfectly valid and any writer who can't see that is deluded by their own illusions of grandeur. I t was really the "you should feel bad for writing this" part that got to me a little. Still, it was wrong for me to respond like that, and I apologise.
Technically I was chastising you for not being able to decide what's bad and what's not.* There is a marked difference between the two.
*With the you "should feel bad part"
I really enjoyed this. It was a nice, sweet, wholesome story. Rainbow and Scootaloo's sisterly love for each other is one of my favourite things about the show, and Sleepless In Ponyville without a doubt my favourite episode of Season 3.
If I had any criticisms, I would say that there's a few grammatical errors here in there and Rainbow called Scootaloo a squirt and sport a bit too much, but no one is perfect, I'm sure I'll have some flaws in my stories too. I still really enjoyed it overall.
I'm looking forward to reading more of this in my spare time, and I'd love to see what other stories you have planned for the future.
This is Ryan by the way :)
What is that?
9496745
That keeps happening when I upload chapters, I don't type it, but it still shows up anyway. I'll handle it now. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
as lighting McQueen says "I am speed"