Familial bonds: part one

by Darling Dearest

Rainbow comes home

Author's Note:

Any and all constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged.

It was a sunny morning in Ponyville, birds chirping and singing as Celestia raised the sacred sun and pony’s all across town got up from their comfy beds to get on with their everyday activities.

However, as the town's ponies began their days, they were oblivious to the little, dark orange filly, who had been awake far longer than she should have been for a pony her age. Scootaloo had become well know for her love of anything that gave her the thrill and adrenaline that she hoped she would one day receive from bursting into the sky and soring through the open air, weaving in and out of the clouds and pushing herself past any so called limits. Though all she could do then was ride her cherished scooter. Thus, she stood on top of a small hill on the border of Ponyville, looking down from it with a confident grin.

“This is gonna be awesome!” She thought to herself.

Despite its small size in comparison to other hills and mountains, it was still rather large for the small filly. Yet Scootaloo couldn’t have cared in the slightest. She had been performing similar stunts for as long as she could remember, her safety was the least of her concerns.

She was about to ride down the hill, when she got a glimpse of the rainbow mane of a cyan Pegasus mare, flying high in the sky, whom she had never missed the chance to talk to.

Rainbow was coming home from her weekend training with the Wonderbolts, flying blankly through the air, back to her cloud mansion. However, she quickly spotted Scootaloo’s dark orange fur and purple mane in the corner of her eye, Thus, as if she had no control over her actions, she charged down towards the filly. She had landed within mere seconds, the luscious green grass now seeming to juxtapose her pastel blue fur, where it had previously blended perfectly with the bright sky. Scootaloo’s eyes widened with joy as she saw Rainbow’s short rainbow mane flutter in the light breeze.

“Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo shouted at the top of her lungs as she raced towards Rainbow to embrace her with a hug.

“How ya doing squirt?” Rainbow Dash replied, putting forelegs around the little filly.

The two stood there for a good few seconds, Scootaloo feeling relaxed and loved in the embrace of her idol. Rainbow herself felt proud, having such an energetic and kind filly look up to her as she did. Scootaloo then broke away from the embrace and an energetic and enthusiastic smile returned to her face as she began to speak.

“I’m doing great Rainbow Dash. Whilst you were away the crusaders and I helped a ton of ponies with their cutie marks, it’s been real fun! I was just gonna ride down this hill back into town, a little excitement early in the mornin’ helps me work better later.”

A proud grin entered Rainbow’s face, Scootaloo’s dedication, enthusiasm and love of adrenalin reminding her of herself when she was a filly, and her now if she was honest.

“Good to see you enjoying yourself kiddo, and you’re right, doing something you love to start your day will totally help you stay energised later. And hay it’s good to see you again! And that you’re still awesome, looks like me bein’ away hasn’t completely turned you into Fluttershy hu?” Rainbow replied, winking as she said her final phrase.

Scootaloo chuckled as delight filled her body and warmed her centre.

“Thanks Rainbow, I couldn’t do it without you, you’re the best! Anyway, I’m sure you have things to be doing, being back early an’ all, but really, thanks for coming to see me. Thanks for everything.”

This comment made Rainbow blush, making her blue fur go bright red. She took Scooterloo under her wing to hug her again.

“Aw thanks sport, I’d be lost without you.”

The two shared another moment of genuine sisterly affection before Rainbow continued.

“But hey, stop bein’ so cute, you’re making me blush.” Rainbow said sarcastically, which Scootaloo picked up on, but didn’t care

” I’m sorry, I can’t help it, you’re just the best big sister ever.” Scootaloo said, speaking in an adorable voice that would have caused even the coldest of hearts to melt.

This comment made Rainbow blush even more, reminding her that part of her life really would be sorely missing without Scooterloo. She looked down at the little filly with a proud, humbling face that she rarely showed.

“Aw, you’re the best little sis anypony could ask for, never change squirt, now come ‘ere.”

The two hugged each other, both feeling as if they were in a perfect state of bliss. This was quickly broken for Rainbow however, as she got a glimpse of the hill Scooterloo planned to ride down. She knew that the hill wasn’t that big, she had seen it in the distance many times, but it suddenly seemed so steep and dangerous, it appeared to her as if it lead so far as Tartarus! Rainbow began to feel very light headed. The world began to spin incisively. A disgusting pit brewing in her stomach. Scootaloo suddenly seemed so small.

“Hey, you sure this is safe sport?” Rainbow asked in a nervous tone. Pointing her hoof to the bottom of the hill.

“Yeah, totally.” Scootaloo replied, backing away from Rainbow. “I’ve done way higher drops than this, you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

Rainbow believed the filly, yet she still couldn’t shake this feeling a pure terror that she had.

“Yeah, I suppose your right squirt.”

Rainbow tried to hide her nervous thoughts, not wanting to seem un-cool in front of her sister.

“Good, well it was great seeing you Rainbow Dash, I’ll see you at the bottom!”

Rainbow knew that there must be something causing her to worry so much, this simply wasn’t like her. It was here that she realised that Scootaloo had left her helmet hanging on a tree and was about to go down the hill with her head completely exposed. Rainbow then rushed to the tree and back, and assertively strapped the helmet onto the filly.

“Don’t forget this squirt, you can’t be awesome if you’re not safe.”

Rainbow cringed at her own words that had been said to her many times in the past, yet she knew them to be true.

“Wow, am I an old mare?” she thought to herself.

“Thanks Rainbow Dash, I won’t forget again.”

“Ha I know you won’t sport, now go on, show me how awesome you are!”

Rainbow was trying so desperately to sound confident, but was failing miserably. If Scootaloo had been an older mare, she may have just recognised and called Rainbow’s bluff.

“Thanks Rainbow.” Scootaloo said with the same charisma and energy that Rainbow herself had shown many time before a big show with the Wonderbolts.

Just as Scootaloo pushed herself down the ramp, Rainbow’s confident charade finally broke. Her mind was completely distorted. She simply couldn’t let such a fragile little filly go down such a steep hill! Her fears had gotten the better of her. She reached out her hoof to grab the filly, but by then it was too late. Scootaloo was already racing down the side of the hill at speeds that seemed to rival that of the Wonderbolts themselves, the joy of pure adrenalin making each individual strand of her fur stand on end, sending a powerful shiver down her spine, she couldn’t have felt more alive. Rainbow however, looked down with pure dread. As far as she was concerned she had just allowed a foal, her tiny filly sister, to go to her doom! Was Scootaloo okay? Would she be badly hurt? Would the doctors be able to fix her? These questions circulated in Rainbow’s head as Scootaloo became a smaller and smaller speck as she went down the hill. The hill continued to look steeper and steeper as Rainbow became more and more light headed. Suddenly, Rainbow heard a tiny screeching noise, Scootaloo had reached the bottom of the hill and had slowed down her scooter to come to a stop. She was alive. She hadn’t hurt herself at all. Rainbow let out a deep breath, realising that she had held her breath the entire time. Rainbow struggled to comprehend what had just happened. Why was she so worried? She knew that Scootaloo was experienced at what she did, that this hill was tiny in comparison to what she had beaten previously. Yet Rainbow had still feared for the young filly’s life. Rainbow flew down the hill with urgency to make sure that the she really was fine.

“How was that Rainbow Dash?”

“You were great sport, keep at it, and one day you’ll show all of Equestria just how awesome you are!”

“You really think so?” Scootaloo asked, getting so excited that her tiny wings began to flap rapidly.

“You kiddin’ me, I know so!”

She began to rub Scootaloo’s mane, her fears having practically disappeared.

“But, let’s just start with just Ponyville for now.” Rainbow said as she put the filly back on her scooter and positioned her towards the town.

“Thanks Rainbow!”

Scootaloo gave Rainbow Dash an assertive nod, with a confident expression that she intended to look tough, but really just made her look adorable. The filly then raced off to Ponyville, an innocent smile stitched to her face for the whole journey to the club house where she and her friends held their counselling sessions.

Rainbow however, stayed at the bottom of the hill for a short while, pondering on why she felt as she did when she saw Scootaloo go down. Why had she been so scared? It couldn’t have just been nerves. Was it? Or was it something more? She knew she had to look more into this, and knew just the mare to visit to get the help she needed. With that thought she launched herself into the air and began her short flight to the castle belonging to Twilight Sparkle. Twilight was an expert with relationships, hence her status as the alicorn princess for friendship, however she had been a loyal friend to her, and all of Ponyville for some time before her ascension. Rainbow knew that a conversation with her dear friend was how she was going to get the answers she needed. Did she even want those answers? Regardless, it didn’t matter. The feeling of true terror she had felt over absolutely nothing was too strong. She simply couldn’t ignore it.

Comments

[OmniFox]

Is Rainbow Dash pulling an Applejack?

[jnzsblzs]

Celestia rose

You mean raised. Rose is the past tense of rise not raise.

the sacred sun

You probably wanna avoid using as specific adjectives as sacred unless you plan to include something about a sun venerating cult in the future. Or anything this connects to. I hope you do it it would be hella fun. Most likely not though.

However, one little, dark orange filly had been awake far longer than she should have been for a pony her age. Scootaloo.

I kinda figured who the filly could be. No need for confirmation.

Rainbow was coming home from her weekend training with the Wonderbolts, deciding that it would be for the best if she were to come home early on this occasion, yet she couldn’t decipher why she thought this, she just acted upon it.

This sentence is so long and needlessly complicated that I'm pretty sure it could double as a script of a Chriss Nolan movie. The information you tell here are completely disconnected from one another. and they should be presented as such.

A founding member of the Cutie mark crusaders, she and her friends, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, had gained a reputation as the most diligent fillies in Ponyville, trying an abundance of things on their quest for their cutie marks. From academic activities such as journalism, to more extravagant exploits such as stage performance. Ironically, they ultimately got their cutie marks in helping other ponies either get or interpret their own marks, an occupation they took much pride in. But recently they had decided to allow themselves more time to do things they enjoyed individually, acting upon the advice they had received from their colt friend Rumble. Scootaloo herself enjoyed anything that gave her thrill and an adrenaline rush, particularly if it involved riding her cherished scooter.

I watched the show. This segment is therefore completely pointless. Everyone who will ever read this will have also watched the show. So just scratch it.

“This is gonna be awesome!” She thought to herself in a high pitched, exited inner monologue

This is not a monologue. This is a sentence and not a partcularly long one at that. Also is it really necessary to tell us how Scoots thoughts sound? Isn't that an oximoron?

Rainbow Dash was the newest member of the Wonderbolts aerial acrobatics teem, becoming very famous in Equestria in recent times, but Scootaloo had admired and been inspired by her for as long as she could remember, keeping a cherished poster of her in her room.

Your grammar is all over the place and yet again you are shoving exposition down my throat. Also it's exposition about stuff I already know.

Whilst

The 18th century called they want their words back.

She spotted Scootaloo’s dark orange fur and purple mane in the corner of her eye and instantly, as if she had no control over her actions, changed the course of her flight to head towards the filly.

If you want to change perspective you should do it between chapters or any longer units of your fic. This just looks bad writing.

the luscious green grass now juxtaposing her pastel blue fur

Thesaurus is a great thing but this is no way to use juxtapose.

“Rainbow Dah!”

Rainbow Dash. This really shouldn't be my job. If you're not great at English find a lector.

Okay I had enough. I've read a grand total 649 word and I already feel my brain melting down. This is bad and you should feel bad that you didn't realise how bad it was. At least you could have had the decency to show it one of your friends first. Preferably one that actually read a book.

[Darling Dearest]

9058172
Gosh, it seems like so long since I wrote that. I'm sorry you didn't like it, but thanks for the criticism any way.

[Darling Dearest]

9058172
Also, I take it that the first story you wrote was absolutely perfect, correct. You didn't try, fail, get back up and learn how to do better next time, you just wrote your best work on your first attempt.

I very much appreciate the criticism and have never once claimed to be a great writer. I have a lot of growing and learning to do before I can honestly call me that. Moreover, I know this story isn't the best on Fimfiction, and I still have every intention in going back and editing it once I've finished Familial bonds part three.

But, being mean and tactless in your criticism doesn't do anypony any good. It just dissuades potentially great writers from practicing their craft.

[WritingIsDope]

I really enjoyed this. It was a nice, sweet, wholesome story. Rainbow and Scootaloo's sisterly love for each other is one of my favourite things about the show, and Sleepless In Ponyville without a doubt my favourite episode of Season 3.

If I had any criticisms, I would say that there's a few grammatical errors here in there and Rainbow called Scootaloo a squirt and sport a bit too much, but no one is perfect, I'm sure I'll have some flaws in my stories too. I still really enjoyed it overall.

I'm looking forward to reading more of this in my spare time, and I'd love to see what other stories you have planned for the future.

This is Ryan by the way :)