It seems like it might be an ordinary day. Only if you count ordinary as waking up in an unfamiliar place.
And it's not just that, Vinyl can't remember her name, what happened to her life, and where in Equestria she is.
The only thing she has is a name to keep her going.
-o-
A sideline story that details the sort of humble beginnings of the mysterious D.S.P.I.
You can find out how this group is doing here and while at it, give the author (A.K.A DungeonMiner) their respective thanks for making an amazing story.
Chapters (1)
Hey Mr. Prereader ;)
I saw this popped up in my notifications box and absolutely had to leave a comment here. I likely won't be the first, as my comments are longer than Austraeoh, but I'll certainly do my best.
First off! Your long description. To be totally honest, it's a cliché idea. Person (or pony) wakes up in a strange place, sometimes without their memory. It's not a bad idea by far. There's a reason why the cliché exists, because it's a good one, and leaves a lot of possibilities open. You do have to know that it's something that'll work against more than for you however. Your story needs to be incredibly powerful in-order to stand out from the rest of the "strange place, no memory" stories. Just something to think about.
As for your first lines and introductory paragraphs, they're pretty good! You do a good job at not only establishing the scene, but the initial conflict and goal. You give Vinyl a clear motivation and goal, which is one of the two most important parts for creating engaging characters. You certainly demonstrate you have a firm grasp on the importance of this part of your story.
Something I felt was a bit weaker however was weakness and ironically, a sense of identity. There are two important parts of an engaging character: a clear goal and a weakness we can sympathize with. I didn't get a real sense of weakness from her. Sure, she herself is weak, in-terms of physically and arguably mentally. But there's no clear weakness. There is a strong scene where she remembers the depressed ponies at the bar which, I do commend you a lot for. These little hints and clues here and there are exactly what I'm talking about when speaking about a clear weakness of the character. Very nice job with that.
Overall though, either it was far too subtle for me or there wasn't enough hints to convey that. Secondly was the sense of identity. At this current point, anyone could replace Vinyl and it would change little in the overall story. Now of course, this is obviously because Vinyl herself does not know her identity. It's the premise of the entire story.
It's something I thought should be brought up though. I don't feel super engaged with Vinyl because I don't quite know who she is. She doesn't have any distinguishing traits, and her goal / weaknesses, despite decently interesting, doesn't really invest me into the character. It's a flaw of the amnesia trophe you're working with though, and not your writing or the story itself. It makes it easier for the reader to self-insert themself as the protagonist. Whenever readers try to remember about the character however, it often comes up as a blank.
Besides that, the story was pretty good. The grammar was pretty spot-on and the rest of the plot, despite working with a popular trophe, is interesting enough to tide over for the next chapter. I feel like these first few chapters are going to be important to make your story distinct from other stories with lost-memory protagonists. It's going to be really important to establish that reader interest from here.
Thanks for the read! I'll be keeping an eye on this.