Meet a little filly named lucky strike. Shes average as somepony can get, well that was untill a one in a million chance happened. Just as her parents got killed right in front of her she was struck by a bolt of lighting, now instead of killing her or anything it awoke something hidden in her. something that can only be defined as simply amazing and possibly horrifying for all that defy her. (teen for minor language and dead parents I will most likely make this mature later but I might not we will see where this goes)
Chapters (1)
Just from skimming the new stories page, I noticed that the first thing you need to work on (before you even publish anything) is your spelling and grammar. I highly recommend that you practice that and master the basics before continuing.
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Thank you for your criticism
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You're very welcome. I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Interesting....
Amateur delivery, but solid concept of character.
Could use minor grammar and spelling checks, on top of a rework of the punctuation.
All things considered, short, sweet, to the point.
Your writing reeks of naivete, true.
But you approach an otherwise mature and complex situation without any glaring mistakes.
At this time, I would suggest sticking to settings and characters you actually have a firm grasp on, as you will find out yourself, writing ideas you are still unsure of damages story immersion, solidifies incorrect presumptions, and is just a bad writing habit as it replaces derivative ideas with compulsive ones.
Try writing more characters, and fleshing out your setting, that will ground the story better so you can lose the italics after the paragraphs.
Those btw, can work on occasion but only if you strictly moderate the reader perspective, atmosphere, and most importantly dialogue.
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Thank you, and yes I know the grammar isn't the best. I plan on trying to fix as much as can when I get the time. And with the comment of the writing seems naive I think I know what you mean but could you please elaborate on that point.
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Psychology, while not exactly due for a Freudian level of overconsideration.
Should be a topic researchers in earnest, or at least understood implicitly by experience and deduction.
While you can write a story with heavy themes of the psychological.
Even with superb execution, the slight ommitions, phrasing, setting and pacing will give away your limited comprehension of this topic.
I am not merely speaking of psychology of course.
A story set in a world to be taken realistically, while it can coast on the presumptions of the readers ability to fill in the gaps of said world, does not float well when these gaps become too large or blatantly inaccurate things occur,
*unless they are for the purpose of the story, such as magic, which can seem like either a vast misunderstanding of physics or a plot device depending on how you comprehend and utilize it.*
Then those errors can leave the story with the undeniably grainy taste of immersion break.
This isn't much of an issue at your level of course.
There are few stories for instance, that demand STRICT adherence to the laws of the world they create, a form of story continuity.
You can probably write most story concepts with a degree of success at this stage, so long as you stick to vital interactions and find a balance for describing setting, *don't go overboard but do it more than you have been*
But what I mean to say is this.
Look up what a THEME is in writing.
And don't use it.
Focus on writing more... Fluff of sorts.
To write a theme is to approach a topic in earnest, don't do it unless you understand the topic well.
For instance, good story, but writing about a murderous psychopath while having in your understanding such a small sampling of that topic... well.... if you stick heavily to derivative work it'll be fine, but improvising at all leads to confusing writing and even discontinuity in the story.