Living up to Her Hero

Madness bookman

Madness bookman #1 · Aug 5th, 2017 · 1 · 3 ·

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can you do a story mrs.shy getting gangbang by Zebras

superfun

superfun #2 · Aug 5th, 2017 · 2 · ·

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Okay, here are all of the errors I've noticed:

The team of pegasus fly straight up into the air.

Pegasi flew

so they now face forward toward the ground.

faced

at about ten feet form the ground they turned themselves 90 degrees. A single flap of their wings made their bodies speed across the lawn. Barely even a foot off the ground.

Capitalize "at", and put a comma between lawn and barely.

She watched as a loud blast brought a huge gush of wind over the crowd.

gust

The rainbow weaved in and out to make a pattern between the other jet streams of the other pegasus.

Remove that first "other"

"I got something much better for yea. Meet me at my place tonight ok kid?"

ya

Scootaloo's eyes lit up once again. "Y-yah sure. Anything you want Mrs. Dash.

Needs a second quotation mark at the end.
And I'm not so sure Scoots would ever call RD "Mrs. Dash".

To private."

Too

It sun begun to set as Scootaloo jumped on the trampoline. She bounced higher, and higher, and higher until she poped right up through a crowd.

popped

A bit dizzy, and releasing she only got her head and front legs through the clouds.

Realizing

Scootaloo begun to back away only to find a blue hoof on her shoulder

began

Scootaloo sat scared and surprise at the size of it

surprised

She had seen only her fathers once

only seen her father's

she finished standing up and moved herself away form the multi colored pegasus.

Capitalize she
Replace "form" with "from"

I mean you walk around but naked all day

Butt

Rainbow begun to tie he arms, once done she grabbed a spread bar off the wall and placed it on Scootaloo's hind legs.

began

"Now lets have some fun Scoots."

let's

She slowly mad her way in and stopped when she hit the back of her mouth.

made

Scootaloo let out a moan as she felt the warm sticky cock hit here throat.

her

Her mother and father made salt dough ordainments each year for the holidays.

ornaments

She always like licking the ordainments even though her parents didn't approve.

liked
ornaments

She like the taste that was in her mouth

liked

But all she could see was public hairs from the balls that hung off her nose. Scootaloo whimper as she continued to suck.

pubic
whimpered

Scootaloo tried to push away the pegasus to gain access to breath. "Calm down squirt, You want to breath then start licking. I want to cum all over your face before I get off. "

breathe for both

Scootaloo obeyed and quickly begun to lick in the depths of her mentors pussy.

mentor's

She found a spot in which she heard rainbow moaned to let her know that was where she needed to go for.

Capitalize rainbow

rainbow removed herself form Scootaloo's face.,

Capitalize rainbow again

Scootaloo took in deep breath as she gasped for air.

Missing an "a" between "in" and "deep"

She looked at her mentor as rainbow got up onto her hooves."

Capitalize rainbow a third time, and don't need that quote mark at the end

As much as I love you Scoots, I need you to be a tad quieter for the next part. This is just insurance."

Missing a quotation mark at the beginning

Rainbow pull up her hind legs

"pull her hind legs up"

Chillaxe kid.

Chillax

She was of course scared but excited now that her new sight on Rainbow's life is.

No idea what that last part is supposed to say.

Now sorry to say this may hurt a bit, but I will take it slow so you won't have a tone of pain down here, I hope. I really never done this on somepony so small.

ton
I've

She slide in easily as she pulled out and in to try to give Scoot's walls time to adjust to the size.

slid

She thought for a moment as she questioned wither or not Rainbow was right about the pounding.

whether

Rainbow smiled as she knew she had just taken the
virgins
pussy

virgin's

She sat in the filly warm walls for a moment while her tightness got used to her large cock.

filly's

"Now squirt as fun as that was lets not get you pregnant.

let's

Rainbow said as she continues her slow and painfully pushed into her ass

Replace "continues her" and "continued to"

Scootaloo much obliged the kiss and smiled back through the pain.

loved

just as Scootaloo ass suckled her dick.

Scootaloo's

take one

Capitalize take.

Rainbow smiled nd layed her head back.

and

After a moment Scootaloo felt he head being lifted as she came off the cock.

her

rainbow Chuckled as she layed back down.

Rainbow chuckled

Scootaloo bent down and laced the cock over her head so she could see her target. She went to work as lick and suck at the hairy balls. She wasn't sure she liked this part to much, things were just a little too hairy.

laid
"work as she licked and sucked"
too

She used one of her open hooves and begun masturbating the shaft above her.

began

rainbow groaned as her body begun to tense up again.

Capitalize rainbow

She began bobbing her head once more licking the head f the cock every now and then. Dash pulled herself most the way out before she shot her load into the filly's mouth. Rainbow layed back as her body began to release the muscles she had worked up.

of
"most of the"
laid

She said as she pulled Scootaloo up top of her chest.

"up on top"

She followed Rainbow's actions and layed on top of Rainbow's chest.

laid

Rainbow though as she let her thought wonder her into unconsciousness.

thought
"thoughts wander into"

Speedy Silverstreak

Speedy Silverstreak #3 · Aug 5th, 2017 · · ·

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Could you do a non rape story?

Hclegend

Hclegend #4 · Aug 5th, 2017 · 1 · ·

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8347439
The sheer amount of grammatical errors is enough to turn me away. I get that it's clop and all, but have some proofreading... You're a braver person than I.

Haillee

Haillee #5 · Aug 5th, 2017 · 1 · 1 ·

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8347513
Maybbbbeee. I am originally a horror chick writer so i don't know. I mean i guess i could just like this but less ropes right?

superfun

superfun #6 · Aug 5th, 2017 · · ·

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8347535
It also helps that I'm the one who requested it, actually.

Speedy Silverstreak

Speedy Silverstreak #7 · Aug 5th, 2017 · · ·

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8347553
Better idea. Do a Saw theme story with no raoe in it

Haillee

Haillee #8 · Aug 6th, 2017 · · ·

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8347535
Yes i know, the reading has been fixed. Thank you so much Super fan for that. I hate posting stories on my own because i always screw it up and i haven't quiet figured out how to get a proof reader access before it is published

TheOPcharacterWriter

TheOPcharacterWriter #9 · Aug 6th, 2017 · 2 · 3 ·

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Nice one and dont mind the dislikes its only haters

Haillee

Haillee #10 · Aug 6th, 2017 · · ·

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8347654
No the dislikes were from before, before i fixed all the grammar and what not. I don't blame anyone for those.

Firefox Lantern

Firefox Lantern #11 · Aug 6th, 2017 · · ·

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8347608
If you set a password on the unpublished story, then users other than the author will be able to access it (using the correct password of course).

Comment posted by Rye Snoot deleted Aug 6th, 2017

Rye Snoot

Rye Snoot #13 · Aug 6th, 2017 · · ·

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8347803
it needs work every time you say Scootaloo however make sure it's Scootaloo, however, ... how much grammar is being missed well there is about 72 critical issues on it. Then you have 52 advance grammar issues. T_T If it's been fixed now i'm still seeing the 72 critical grammar loss. with about 52 advance along with it. You need to find someone with free professional skills to fix that.

superfun

superfun #14 · Aug 8th, 2017 · 1 · ·

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One quick correction that's not in the story itself:
I'm a guy

Haillee

Haillee #15 · Aug 8th, 2017 · · ·

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8347963
Yeah i suck at grammar but the person helping me helped in a lot of my mistakes. Honestly would have been 10 times worse before she read it. And yeah look for professional help but the only person i know who majors in this thing is my mom. Do you understand why i can't really go to her on the matter?

Tiaa OwO

Tiaa OwO #16 · Aug 28th, 2017 · 1 · ·

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"I know give it to me. Rip into me like taking off a Band-Aid." Scootaloo said she looked into Rainbow's eyes.

Best. Line. Ever.

I'm definitely going toread another one of your stories now.

Haillee

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