Wild Card

by Barrel-of-fun

Stacking the Deck

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex

Thanks guys.

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Howler let out a weary sigh as he once again shifted his weight, desperately trying to stave off sleep. Guard duty was one of the more boring jobs in the mine, just a lot of standing around and watching absolutely nothing happen. At least with the slave driving he got to watch the ponies cower before him, maybe even whip a couple that didn’t work fast enough.

But this? This was just dull, not to mention unnecessary. Redtooth had ordered that the entire cave be lit, every tunnel and every chamber, with guards to watch every torch. He had screamed this order just last week, spittle flying through those huge teeth, as he ranted about how the darkness was coming for him.

“Fuckin’ insane” Howler muttered, before glancing around to make sure that he hadn’t been overheard. Redtooth might be insane but he was no idiot, and he certainly wasn’t a pushover. Howler wouldn’t admit this to anyone but Redtooth scared him. Those horrible sick eyes and that grotesque muscled body. He scared every dog in the pack but none of them would ever admit it, for fear of being called runt.

Howler’s introspection on the effects of intimidation on pack loyalty were interrupted by the sound of hooves slamming against stone. That couldn’t be right, all the slaves should be working. He stared down the tunnel at where the sound originated from, straining his eyes to try and penetrate the darkness.

Wait…darkness?

There was supposed to be more torches down that way, illuminating the entire cave, but they must have gone out. Yeah, that was it. Just a simple accident. Someone will re-light them in a minute and it will all be fine. He waited, and watched, expecting the guards on duty down there to strike up a piece of flint and light the torches.

Oh Earth! Redtooth couldn’t actually be right in his ravings? The darkness! It was coming for him! It got the others and it was coming for him!

He pointed his spear, paws trembling as they gripped it tightly. In a trembling voice he addressed the dark.

“C-come out! I-I-I’m not af-fraid! S-show yourself”

For a moment there was complete silence, then Howler got his wish. Although he quickly learnt the true meaning of the phrase ‘be careful what you wish for’

A bestial roar emitted from the darkness before a huge hand emerged and grabbed the end of Howler’s spear, yanking it from his shaking hands with ease. Howler just stood there, his mind numb and knees trembling, as the darkness seemed to move towards him. The guttering light from the torch burnt away the shadowy figure, to reveal the even more terrifying minotaur that had been concealed. The minotaur glanced down at the terrified dog before casually reaching over with one meaty hand toward the torch. Howler’s eyes narrowed to pinpricks in terror as the light, which seemed to offer so much security mere minutes ago, was casually crushed between two of the beast’s fingers.

Darkness, concealing and terrifying, enveloped the two figures. Howler’s eyes, adjusted to the light, couldn’t see a thing. Which was good as he probably would have pissed himself if he saw the huge fist that collided with his face.

----------
“All clear” Iron Will rumbled from up ahead. I stepped forward, almost stumbling over the diamond dog and wincing as my bad leg connected with him.

“Jeez, Iron, you could clean up a bit. Any self-respecting bludgeoner always places his victims to one side, it’s only polite after all”

Iron Will just grinned back at me, his teeth shining in the darkness. Seriously, how did he do that? His teeth had a shine to them like on an advertisement. Was it part of the cartoon physics or were his teeth just that damn shiny? If it was the latter then where the hell did he get tooth care down here? Did the dogs have a really good dental plan for their champion?

Okay, so it wasn’t just the teeth thing that had got me a bit annoyed. Zende had talked the herd down from the charge tactic I had planned out, stating how stealth was probably better than making a huge racket. I had reluctantly agreed but had still been pretty miffed to have my brilliant strategy cast aside. Summer had attempted to cheer me up by saying that, if something went wrong with the stealth, we always had my tactic to fall back on. I hate to say it but it worked, I automatically felt happier at the consolation.

Still, just watching Iron Will smack guard’s heads in was getting a bit boring. Sure, he tried to mix it up a bit by intimidating each one. Hell, I’d even got him to perform a suplex on one that tried to run away, which had been hilarious, but it was still getting a bit dull. I was thankful when we finally reached the vault, Iron Will simply approaching the two dogs on guard and smashing their heads together before punching the door open. Seriously, this guy was stealing all my moments of cool. I was going to have to knock it up a notch to out-awesome him.

The inside of the vault was, like everywhere else in this bloody mine, practically boiling with the amount of torches that had been stuffed into it. Every available wall space had a torch mounted on it, the light glittering off of various treasures and possessions taken from captured slaves. The entire room looked like it had been designed by a paranoid kleptomaniac who had played too much Minecraft. Silly dogs, torches don’t protect against angry minotaurs.

The ponies began to grab bags around the room, clearly recognizing their own possessions. I frantically looked around the room, searching for my own stuff, before finding it hanging from a nail on the wall. I gleefully wrapped the belt around my waist and tied it on tight. That was much better, now I felt much less naked. Even though I was still technically very naked.

With my bag of tricks now back in their rightful place around my waist, I began to look at other things the dogs had stored here. I was just about to open a crate to check its contents when I felt a hoof jab me in my bad leg. I whirled around with a pained yelp, letting go of the crate lid in the process. I just caught a glimpse of the contents, what looked like red cylinders, before the lid slammed shut…right on my tail. Another yelp escaped me, which I desperately tried to convert into a manly cough.

“Yes, Zende? How can I help you” I asked with forced politeness

The evil old zebra just laughed at my misfortune. Seriously, I know you're not supposed to fuck with the doctor but still. This guy was a dick.

“Here. Drink this. Don’t choke to death on it” he handed me a cup full of foul smelling, green potion. I stared at the fumes coming out of with no small amount of suspicion. Oh well, no pain no gain. I raised the cup in a salute to the Gods of Not Dying Painfully and chugged that bad boy.

Oh Dear Goddess, that was a mistake. The foul liquid immediately began to assault my internal organs as if it had some kind of personal vendetta against them. I could feel my stomach screaming in pain. That’s how bad it was. I could HEAR the screams of my internal organs! My legs spasmed out beneath me in pain and I fell to the ground, arms flailing wildly at the crates around me, knocking many of them over.

As I convulsed in pain on the ground, I idly noticed that that my bones appeared to be moving of their own accord. Well I certainly didn’t tell them to do that-OH GOD, WHAT THE HELL!? I could feel my bones shifting about underneath my leg, knitting back together in what I could only describe as a horrible parody of the natural healing process. Magic was a wonderful thing. This small magical potion had accomplished more than modern medical technology ever could, and all it had to do was put me through the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I was still weighing the advantages of magic over science…overall, I think I still prefer the natural method. If Zende approaches me with a potion again I’m gonna kick him in his saggy face.

After clawing my way up the nearest box and swaying back to my hooves, I saw Zende snickering at me. I had always been raised to respect my elders, as they know more than me and have worked hard to earn that knowledge, but this zebra was seriously testing my chivalry.

However, my body-popping session had managed to spill some of the crates onto the floor, revealing their contents. Their worrying, cylinder contents. The red tubes had been spilled all over the floor, pieces of what looked like string sticking out of one end of all of them.

“Is that dynamite? Does this place have freaking dynamite?”

“Yes, the dogs occasionally use it when they run into a particularly tough section of rock…or if they just get lazy”

“Huh” I had worked with explosives before in some of my shows, usually little things for making flashes of noise and light. Never something as devastating as blasting powder. Still, we were going to have to confront Redtooth at some point and desperate times and all that. I picked up a few sticks of dynamite and tucked them into one of my bags. I also found a pile of spare magic-blocking rings which I slipped into another pouch. I wasn’t anticipating having to restrain very many unicorns but with an item as useful as the rings I wasn’t about to just let them go to waste.

My new items secured in my pouches I stepped out of the vault alongside the ponies, happily stretching my fixed leg. Nearby Iron Will was leaning casually against a wall of the tunnel, chatting with Summer and several other ponies. I was surprised by how well the ponies had taken to Iron Will. Evidently they were quick to forgive slights against them, especially if those slights were unintentional…such as being forced into an uncontrollable rage to fight them.

The escaped prisoners, now equipped with their provisions, carried on down the tunnel. Iron Will continuing his brutal work on any guards we ran into, the ponies and I stepping carefully over the unconscious bodies of guard dogs. We swiftly reached another intersection, one way I knew led to the throne room I had been dragged into when I was brought here, the other direction would probably lead to the rest of the mine.

“Okay guys, I’ve got a plan…and I’d like us to actually follow it this time. Me, Iron and Summer are going to free the foals from Redtooth and if he gets in the way, we’ll stab him in the gizzard. Whatever the hell a gizzard is. Meanwhile, the rest of you will be going into the mine and freeing the mares. Zende, I’m calling you the unofficial leader of the pony forces going into the mine…mostly because yours is the only name I’ve had the time to learn. Any questions?”

“Yeah, why the hay should we trust you to rescue our foals?” one of the stallions at the back spoke up.

“Because I’m taking Iron Will and Summer with me, two of the strongest motherfuckers in this damn place. Also, I have a few tricks left up my sleeve for defeating Redtooth”

“…I’m not doubting your capabilities…well actually I’m not doubting Iron Will or Summer Storm, but why don’t we just bum rush Redtooth?”

“Because he has the foals within his grasp at all times and if he hears a damn army bearing down on him he’s gonna get jumpy. Well, jumpier than usual. A small strike force can move far swifter and quieter, meaning less chance of foals getting hurt.”

The stallions considered this before agreeing, they would go along with any plan that put their loved ones in less danger, and my plan removed as many dangerous variables as possible. Zende sent me an understanding nod before leading his forces down into the mine. I turned to where Iron Will was still leaning against the wall with Summer.

“You done with your planning, little lamb?”

“Okay first, I’m part goat, not a sheep. Second, yeah let's do this shit”

We set off down the second corridor, Summer and Iron flanking me. As we approached the door to the throne room the two guards on duty pointed their spears at us. They weren’t much of an obstacle considering my companions. Summer zapped the one on the right whilst Iron just picked his guard up and slammed him into the ceiling. I didn’t even slow as the guards were incapacitated, simply walking past them and into the throne room.

“Honey! I’m home!” I addressed the room.

The empty room.

“Damn, messed up my one-liner”

----------

Now I know a lot of you, much like the Kaiser Chiefs, predicted a riot would happen this chapter. Sorry to disappoint. I’m not sure how best to apologize…so I’ll let this guy do it.

“Hey, Cave Johnson here. We here at Aperture Fiction Entertainment know what a good story needs. Violence! And lots of it too. We can’t help but notice that one member of our Forced Writers Initiative failed to produce a necessary amount of violence in his latest chapter. Be reassured that he has been punished for this. I had one of the engineers invent a ray that turns his bones into tomato soup whilst still retaining his ability to write via an interpreter. From what I can understand of his gargling he said that copious amounts of violence are coming up soon. Well, it was either that or ‘Oh God the pain, please kill me’. One of the two…Cave Johnson, we’re done here.”

Yeah, what he said. Violence to come soon.
Barrel-of-fun

Comments

[Liqwidice]

Yippeee... Update!

[Slenderman.]

static.fjcdn.com/comments/DO%2BNOT%2BPLAY%2BTHE%2BMLP%2BRULE%2B34%2BGAME%2B_9d6e8bc6a08190f3b085bac575e5dde8.jpg don't forget to kill all the dogs

[BaconHazard]

I thought this was a Fallout fiction.

*Looks at description*

WHYYYYYYYYYY?!

[Barrel-of-fun]

1028681
...the picture should have kind of made it obvious that it wasn't...

[Demon Lord Inganno]

MAOR

[Firedon]

With my bag of tricks now back in their rightful place around my waste *slowly steps back* I think you meant waist

[BaconHazard]

1028697 I do not even know what Chess Game of The Gods is. Oh... never mind. Good luck with it.

[Barrel-of-fun]

1028779
...massive facepalm I can't believe that such a mistake managed to get through editing...

[AppleTank]

I read provisions as Pyrovisions. I'm an idiot.

[Barrel-of-fun]

1028964
Pyro vision = this

1028839
Thanks

[Forevermore]

And this is why imprisoning a charming escape artist with a bunch of violent people is a BAD IDEA

[StatusQo]

If all else fails, he's got dynamite!

[Enmar]

tomato soup....

but yess dynamite!
so much fun...

[Lunar Raven]

"The entire room looked like it had been designed by a paranoid kleptomaniac who had played too much Minecraft. Silly dogs, torches don’t protect against angry minotaurs."

Yes... Just Yes!

[Angels]

"My bag of tricks was returned to its rightful place around my waist"

Bow chicka bow wow.

[ProofNegative]

2099454
Tucker did it!

[The Watcher 509]

2099454

[scranity]

“Okay guys, I’ve got a plan…and I’d like us to actually follow it this time. Me, Iron and Summer are going to free the foals from Redtooth and if he gets in the way, we’ll stab him in the gizzard.

Redtooth isn't gonna run away you know. He's not Scootaloo chicken, silly.

[Flibbertigibbet]

Finally! Someone recognizes that the Kaiser Chiefs have more than one song! Sure, Ruby is good, but so are plenty of others. My personal favorite is 'Everything is Average Nowadays.' Go listen to it, it'll put a smile on your face. Great chapter, must read more!

[Savant Sentral]

The entire room looked like it had been designed by a paranoid kleptomaniac who had played too much Minecraft.

add a shack and a maze of over 50 fully lit tunnels covering 3 biomes and you have my minecraft house.

[117isabrony]

2099454 dude if you are a Red Vs. Blue, then you are awesom .

[jjnajjohnson]

CAVE JOHNSON LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES!!!

[Gizmo Gear]

5200976 He actually sounds like a dick, turning the poor authors bones to soup.

[Black--Soul]

Damn fine chapter

[Black--Soul]

PRICELESS humor

[flutterboot]

cafe jensen?

[horsepoweryt]

Reili on good ole' reliable Cave Johnson