Wild Card

by Barrel-of-fun

A Heart Of Gold

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
fireshadow11

---

In my bid to follow in the footsteps of the legendary Robin Hood I had run into several logistical problems.

Firstly, did you know that gold is heavy?

I’m not just talking about it being heavy in the metaphorical sense, as in it was heavy with the sins stained upon it. No, I’m talking about actual physical weight. It is really heavy in that way. This poses a problem as, without any heavy lifting equipment, - or Iron Will, - I was having quite a lot of trouble moving it. I could remove it from the safe one bar and pouch at a time, however actually moving it in mass was taking some time.

Sneaking past the guards with all this glittery, heavy material might also prove problematic, but future Ace can deal with those.

Present Ace, on the other hand, was forced to come up with some genius plan to get all of this gold from Point A, the top of this fairly secure building, to Point B, anywhere that is not this building.

I can’t believe I don’t have something in my belt that would get me out of this.

Despite the disappointing performance of my bag of tricks, I still had hope. For I had a plan. And, like all the best plans in history, it involved wanton property damage. It also involved me climbing to a fairly perilous position, which was becoming a worryingly common aspect in my plans.

I was currently halfway up the oversized curtains that covered the massive window in Margin’s office, shimmying my way up the thick velvet. This may sounds like a bit of a strange thing to do but, I assure you, it is all part of my intricate and genius plan. Once I reached the top of the curtain, no small feat considering just how slippery velvet can be to climb, I drew my knife from behind my back and began to hack off the other curtain, allowing it to fall to the floor below in a billowing descent. I then transferred myself from my improvised climbing rope and onto the sturdy curtain rod, allowing myself to hang there from one arm as I used the other to cut down the remaining curtain, which followed its brother in a graceful fall.

My act of vandalism complete, I worked my way over to one side of the bar, placing one hand over the other, until I eventually reached the curtain pull cord. I grasped the soft rope and gave it a gentle tug, testing to see if it would hold me weight on the way down. The rope appeared to be fairly sturdily attached to the bar, even though the cord itself looked far too much like a fancy piece of decoration for my liking. Regardless, I grabbed ahold and began to lower myself down.

After moving only a few feet I heard an awful ripping noise from above me, causing me to look up just in time to see the frayed end of the cord fall away from the bar. As it began to plummet, so did I.

“Oh motherfuc-” I managed to get out before my, thankfully short, fall was halted by the pile of soft curtain that had inadvertently collected beneath me.

Now curtains, much like hay, don’t completely remove all momentum from a fall, so they won’t fully protect you from being injured if you fall on them. They will, however, give you a very comfortable place to lie down whilst you recover and try to find out if that fall dislocated anything. Of course my complete lack of knowledge of human anatomy, not to mention whatever anatomy I had as a satyr, meant that my medical self-check pretty much amounted to:

Can I move my legs?

Check.

Can I move my arms?

Check.

Can I move my neck?

Check.

Then we’re good to go!

I heaved myself back onto my hooves, regrettably leaving my comfortable bed of curtains, and got back to the job in hand. Now that the curtains are cut down, albeit inadvertently bringing the pull cord along with them, I could move onto the next stage of my plan. I stage that I had creatively decided to name ‘The MacGyver Stage’ as it involved me actually having to be creative with the materials I had on hand.

First, I placed one of the curtains flat out on the floor, smoothing it out so that it took up a large portion of the carpet. Then I began the tedious process of moving my newfound riches, one bar and pouch of bits at a time, onto the flat carpet, piling them up into one small spot on it. I then grabbed each corner of the laden curtain and tied it to the corresponding corner of the other curtain, essentially making a huge bundle of cloth with gold sat in the middle of it.

I took a few steps back to behold my creation in all its glory. If you squint and turn your head just right, you might be able to see that it is supposed to be a makeshift parachute that will allow the gold to glide slowly downwards to safety, where I can pick it up later.

I never was very good at arts and crafts.

Are those the hatred filled screams of every MacGyver fan ever I hear?
…
No, I think that is just a cat yowling on the street below me.

I walked over to the oversized window pane that the curtains had previously covered and undid the latch, swinging one of the huge sheets of glass inwards on its hinges. I couldn’t help but feel that, whilst impressive, this was a rather inefficient design for a window. If you are feeling a bit too hot then you essentially have to remove one wall of the room to get a decent breeze going. Shrugging at the lack of architectural foresight, I walked back over to my loot and began to haul it towards the window, a slow process considering the weight of both the gold and the curtains.

It took me a while, and a lot of scraping of gold against gold, but I finally managed to get the bundle to the open window and balance it so that it was just about to fall out. Holding onto one side of it to prevent its descent until I was good and ready, I prepared to make my glorious speech.

“Since the dawn of time man has hated falling. Man has also hated it when nice expensive things fall and break. As a general rule, gravity is a bit of a bitch towards humanity, despite the fact that we couldn’t live without her. Thus, great men have found ways of defying gravity, mostly to stick a middle finger up at that uptight hag. Today, I follow in their footsteps with the launch of this brilliant vessel, the HMS Goldenfly. May she survive her maiden voyage intact.”

My speech finished, and the universe at large applauding at my legendary skill with word, I let go of the gold and gave it a small kick, sending it off the edge of the building.

The curtain billowed out majestically, catching the wind underneath it as a sail catches the wind. The wind, trapped inside its prison of cloth, could do nothing but work for the benefit of the contraption that was now its master, slowing its descent into a slow graceful tumble instead. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It had actually worked. This must be how the Wright brothers felt when they conquered air travel, how Galileo felt when he mapped out the stars and the orbits of the planets. This wonderful sense of achievement, of accomplishment.

Of course, as soon as I thought this, shit began to hit the proverbial fan.

One thing that a lot of people, including myself up until this point, don’t realise about the wind is that there is a lot of it. It’s practically everywhere really. And, a lot like a confused albatross attempting to dodge crossbow bolts, it travels in very odd ways. Up, down, left, right, diagonally. The wind doesn’t care where it goes, it is like the honey badger of the sky.

Thus, despite a portion of the ever-reaching wind being trapped inside my parachute, it still managed to get help from an ally in the form of a crosswind, which slammed into my invention and sent it crashing into the side of the building it had just previously escaped from. The wind inside billowed out, causing the once taunt cloth of the parachute to collapse inwards and send the entire package hurtling towards the ground.

In retrospect, this was a really bad idea.

As I watched the parachute begin to fall I realised something. That was quite possibly more money than I had ever seen before in my life. More money than most humans, and probably most ponies, would ever see in one place. And I had thrown it out a window in the vain hope that a parachute made of curtains would stop it from slamming into the ground at high speed.

This may well be one of the stupidest things that I have ever done. Considering some of my decisions in life so far, that is really saying something.

The sound of the treasure hitting the ground arrived surprisingly early, the sound of the distant impact seeming strangely close. I leaned over the edge of the building slightly more, endeavoring to spot where the gold had landed to see if any could potentially be salvaged. As I held onto the window edge and peered down into the night I saw something rather surprising.

The curtains, presumably still filled with the gold, had been stopped in their fall by a window cleaners lift. The lift was essentially a cheaper looking version of the elevator that led up to Margin’s office. Despite its rather rickety looking wooden frame, it must have been quite sturdy as it supported the weight of the gold without any groans of complaint. Turns out I hadn’t accidentally showered Maneapolis with gold bars after all. Things are really looking up.

Now how to get down there?

I looked around me for any rope or wire. Anything I could use to lower myself towards the lift. Nothing immediately presented itself though. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten to bring rope with me. I had watched Boondock Saints before, I knew how useful rope could be whilst breaking into places. Now all I had was a load of paintings, statues, a giant mahogany desk and this length of curtain pull cord that I had broken off...

I looked down at the pull cord at me feet, noting how it appeared to be the perfect length to allow me to just reach the lift.

And here I thought I had been unlucky to fall down earlier.

I grinned and picked up the cord, spooling it up and throwing it over one shoulder before looking for something to tie it to. Something sturdy, reliable and, if at all possible, expensive enough that wrecking it will hurt Margin’s money pouch even move. There was one obvious candidate it the room for such a trustworthy and respectable position.

The desk, made of finest mahogany.

I moved round the desk and began to push on it, putting all my weight behind trying to move the oversized writing table. It was no use though. The desk was just far too large for me to move on my own. If I had brought Iron Will along then he could have probably just tapped it lightly and done the job, though his lack of sneak skills, as well as the absence of a second magical enchanted coat, meant that he probably wouldn’t have made it thus far.

Oh well, looks like I’ll just have to improvise.

I reached into a bag on my belt and began to hunt around for an item that had become increasingly more useful as of late. My diamond cheesewire. Removing the filament garrotte from my bag, I looped it around one of the thick legs of the desk and began to pull it back and forth. After a couple of minutes of tedious sawing, the desk being made of really good thick mahogany after all, the leg came free, causing the desk to collapse on one side with the removal of one of its supports.

After replacing the cheesewire back in my pouch, I picked up the desk’s dismembered limb and propped it up between the window, ensuring that it was long enough to stick in the window frame, rather than falling straight through. That would have been really bad for me if I started climbing down and that happened. I’m talking like, long drop and a sudden stop bad. I then slung the cord of my back and looped one end of it around the stuck leg, tying it off before throwing the other end out of the window. The cord fell down, the edge of it just touching the top of the lift.

Neat. Lady Luck really likes to work with precision.

I tugged at the rope once to make sure that it was secure,smirking in satisfaction when I saw the desk leg stick firmly in the door jamb. As I was about to grasp the rope and swing over the edge I looked around the room and realised something. After cracking open the safe, pulling down the curtains and dismembering the desk the room still seemed to be missing something. I hadn’t caused quite enough damage here yet.

I scampered over to the other side of the room gleefully. Literally, I scampered...like a bounding gazelle. It was glorious. Reaching the horrible array of statues and the plethora of fancy art I got to work.

I lined myself up perfectly, idly checking wind speed and the position of my vector before beginning my charge. I assumed the position of a runner’s start and then began to count down under my breath, taking off like a shot the moment I reached zero. My hair whipped behind me as I bore down on the nearest statue, the marble figure being, tragically, unable to dodge my attack. If statues could think then this is what would have probably gone through its stony mind:

“Oh dear, not again.”

I grinned as I kicked off from the floor, leaving the confines of the ground and sending myself hurtling towards the first statue, spinning my body so that I was extended in a spear position hooves first. The statue had just enough time to continue to hold its pose of elegant dignity before I slammed into it, the force of my attack sending cracks along its side and causing it to topple over.

Where it struck another statue, which also began to topple.

Which in turn struck another one, with similar results.

From my position on the shaggy carpet, which I had landed on after the initial blow, I watched as the statues continued their domino effect, each one slamming into the next in what could only be referred to as the greatest betrayal that the races of stone had ever beheld.

By the end of it there were dust clouds everywhere. Limbs and heads of statues littered the floor, as if someone had gone to war with a gorgon. One particularly mournful looking head rolled towards me, stopping just before the hooves that had brought about its destruction. I bent down and lifted it up, holding it out and gazing into its cold eyes.

“Alas, poor fellow of marble. You were a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. Your heart may have been naught but cold stone, yet it shone with the radiance of a thousand sparkling dawns. I shall always remember you as the bravest of knights.” My monologue finished, I dropped the head of poor Sir Marble, causing it to shatter upon the ground.

I turned away from the havoc I had wrecked and walked towards the open window, grabbing the cord and checking the sturdiness of the leg one last time before beginning my descent.

Needless to say, I was worried whilst travelling down the rope. My track record with tall things hasn’t exactly been stellar so far, and this is one of the tallest places I’ve been to. Not to mention the fact that I’m holding onto a curtain pull cord that had already snapped on me once, which was in turn tied to a sawn off table leg that had been propped up between a window. It was about as far as you could possibly get from safety. Yet, whilst I was worried, I wasn’t terrified for one good reason.

This was clearly what Lady Luck wanted me to do. So, I’m going to have a little faith in the old girl, and hope she doesn't decide to drop me a few thousand feet for referring to her as ‘old girl’.

Somehow, the voyage downwards went surprisingly well. I didn’t fall or slip, I wasn’t attacked by a horde of killer super bees or targeted by a giant bird of prey. Just a nice, quiet climb down the side of a building towards a window cleaners lift filled with gold. My definition of a relaxing weekend in a nutshell really.

Upon reaching the lift, I found that it was quite easy to operate. An idiot could do it and, judging by the fact that it had been left near the top of the building rather than on the ground or on the roof, an idiot often did. All I needed to do was unhook one clearly marked rope, which had a large down arrow next to it, and the weighted mechanism did the rest. The lift was a bit slow though, which gave me plenty of time to observe the Maneapolis skyline and ruminate on my thoughts. My thoughts were mainly about the large stack of gold I had hidden under the curtains next to me.

Clearly, I couldn’t keep it all. Even if I ignore the fact that it is blood money, I doubt I would be able to get out of the city with it all. My best bet would probably be to get rid of it all in the city, though lavish spending would probably draw more attention to me than trying to sneak past the guards with gold bars poking out of my pockets. Ideally I would like to use this money to help those in need, whilst simultaneously not being caught for stealing it all in the first place.

I suppose I could hand it all over to Missy and hope that she would utilise it to help those who have been caught by slavers, but I’m not sure how much I can trust that cow. She was, perhaps, too smart for her own good.

I could also hand it over to the guard and use it to finance their training and weapons, which would help with the slavery problem as they would be able to combat the slavers better. However, guards are merely mortal and, above all, corruptible. Clearly Margin must have had some of them in his pocket for this entire operation to work.

I need someone who is a shining bastion of kindness and selflessness. Someone who cannot be corrupted by mere gold, who will look beyond it for the greater good of all.

It’s a shame I don’t have Jesus on hand, though I think I know a certain Princess who will be a decent substitute.

The lift reached the bottom its descent at about the same time I managed to make a conclusion. I looked down at the gold next to me, not exactly brilliantly concealed beneath the lavish looking curtains. Thinking quickly, I drew my knife and began to scratch it against the stone wall that the lift was pressed against, carving a symbol into it followed by an arrow pointing downwards. I then removed my coat from my back and, ensuring that the dark side was facing outwards, threw it over my pile of stolen treasure, effectively concealing it from view.

I may not be able to find the gold again but I don’t need to, I just need to find that mark and I will practically trip over all that wealth.

Feeling slightly chilly without my coat, I set off into the night to find Iron and Summer. Maybe even get myself some large sacks, preferably with a dollar symbol on the side.

---

Now that I am back at college I have been reading a lot more classical literature, mainly Greek and Roman stuff, and I think it is beginning to show through in my writing. Particularly with the personification of stuff and the abundance of similes and metaphors. What do you think of this? Does it help to paint a better picture?

Also, I will give one internet cookie to anyone who manages to spot the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner reference in this chapter.

Good luck,
Barrel-of-fun

Comments

[Ravengt]

Finally was waiting for this to update.

[RealityDowngrade]

I quite enjoyed the classical references, puns are oh so delectable, and you just can't go wrong with Shakespeare, well, unless it's not Shakespeare. In which case it would cease being Shakespeare, and at that point you then have a horse of another color all-together.
MMMMMMm, circumlocutous word-speak.

[Dracon_Pyrothayan]

I didn't catch the Rime reference (spelling's gotten weird since then), but I do remember the bit that says that Undeath is also a lady... food for thought.

[Ceraph]

Are we talking Iron Madin Rhyme of the ancient mariner? Or the original 'Rime'

[omega-ze-wargod]

L O V E I T S O M U C H R I G H T N O W C A N T S T O P S P A C E I N G

wargod

[The Thoughtful]

Nice chapter. I have no more to say.

[Barrel-of-fun]

1475063
We're talking 'The Rime of the Ancyent Marinere' By Samuel Taylor Coleridge. (Fun fact, he deliberately misspelt it to make it appear older than it is. Fancy word for that is Neologism I think. Been a while since I had to pay attention in my literature lessons)

1475023
Try searching for 'albatross' if you really want to find it. It is only a small one really and I just threw it in for a bit of fun.

[emperor nero]

OR he could use it make a top hat out of pure gold. you know, for awesomeness

[dark imp]

dbz abridged refrence? I think so Nice

[Patrick Harris]

It's probably the albatross comment after he threw the loot out the window. I haven't read that in 2 years, so I don't remember it verbatim.

[suijin228]

GREAT! That's all I'm going to say, but just know that this chapter was great. Keep goin and stay golden^^

[BotB]

Sir Mable died for our sins... God bless him!

[Lithl]

> And, a lot like a confused albatross attempting to dodge crossbow bolts, it travels in very odd ways.

The Mariner shot an albatross (who was leading his ship out of Antarctica) with a crossbow. The crew first thought they were doomed for the albatross brought the wind leading them home, but when they reached warmer waters they praised the mariner for killing the bird that brought the mist. Then the spirits got their retribution by leaving the ship in becalmed waters.

Now I demand my cookie!

[Barrel-of-fun]

1475548 1476251
You may both have one internet cookie each:
static.ddmcdn.com/gif/cookie-ch.jpg

[Lithl]

Amusingly, while the Rime was written around 1800, there was an actual documented case supporting the albatross superstitions around 1960. There was a ship (traveling from Antarctica -- hah!) was transporting an albatross for a zoo. The crew ended up going on strike in Liverpool because of the misfortune they'd suffered.

The ship suffered generator failure when it returned to Antarctica, smashed itself up in South Georgia, and then sank after getting repairs in Uruguay.

[Barrel-of-fun]

1476295
Ha! The curse of Coleridge strikes. Didn't know that, thanks for the info.

[ShadowBro]

It does help, actually. The personification, in particular, adds a lot to Ace's character. Seems like EXACTLY what he would do whilst on a heist.

[Dracon_Pyrothayan]

1475266

[sSsTyler96sSs]

THAT IS MAHOGANY!

[AppleTank]

1480753
Hehe, you remind me of Crowley.

---

Ooh boy, someone's going to be pissed when they get back to his office [size=-2]Profit Margin
For once I don't have to clean up someone's destruction...
Oh, and great chapter.
(Felt like saying something weakly relevant to the chapter after the pointless argument up above.)

[All is Dust]

Sir Marble you will be missed!

[Magical Trevor]

Is that the hatred filled screams of every MacGyver fan ever I hear?
…
No, I think that is just a cat yowling on the street below me.

... I blame Jazz. XD

Also, dang it. I should have read this sooner! Then I coulda gotten teh cookie!

[Archangel2107]

You mentioned a Gorgo., noone ever mentions gorgons... It is starting to show you've been readong classical...classically?

[Enmar]

Stealing gold is always a barrel of fun

[lamphobic]

1475001

Does not being able to understand a whit of what Shakespeare is saying count as going wrong with Shakespeare?

[Rhodesm96]

1475538 Where? I must have missed that!

[Hat and clogs guy]

It’s a shame I don’t have Jesus on hand

xD

[Lucien Chance]

When he kicked over the statue: "Oh no, not again."

Was that a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference?

[KingOfTheMuffins]

The lift reached the bottom its descent at about the same time I managed to make a conclusion. I looked down at the gold next to me, not exactly brilliantly concealed beneath the lavish looking curtains. Thinking quickly, I drew my knife and began to scratch it against the stone wall that the lift was pressed against, carving a symbol into it followed by an arrow pointing downwards. I then removed my coat from my back and, ensuring that the dark side was facing outwards, threw it over my pile of stolen treasure, effectively concealing it from view.

Reminds me a lot of that Thieve's Guild coding...

[Daone0]

The desk, made of finest mahogany.

I spy a DBZ abridged reference.

[TheBigNerd]

I'm hoping its the voyage down

[Insidiaphilia]

What?!?! No clever pun by Scranity!?!? What is this madness?!?!

[Mewaponny]

The wind doesn’t care where it goes, it is like the honey badger of the sky.

wind don't care. wind don't give a sh1t

[GameJunkie7]

4990789 Agreed. *Wind smashed through my window, rips me out of my room, and flings me across the state of Nevada*

[Skinned Rabbit]

Ohh, I love me some Hitchhikers references.

[zdaysavior]

2332777 are you talking about Arthur Dent and Agrajag? Probably horribly butchered his name, haven't read the Guide in so long

[Moon Glider]

The albatross was the reference.
*holds out hand for cookie*

[Black--Soul]

Damn fine written chapter Nice chaos Ace made what taste had the internet cookie by the way?