If The Mask Fits
Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex
fireshadow11
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The mob took a step forward and I could not take any more steps back, pinned as I was between the music stall and the crowd's wrath. I had nothing in my belt or any particular tricks capable of dealing with such a large amount of hostiles. Even if I did then I’m not sure I would use it, these ponies weren’t really hostile, just misguided.
Also, even if they might be about to kill me, they all look freakin’ adorable.
That doesn’t mean I’m just going to give up though. I started looking around for anything I could use to give me an advantage, my eyes darting over various objects in the square. A hat stall, a cart full of hay, various fruit and vegetable stalls. Unless these ponies developed a sudden and irresistible urge for fashion or food then I seemed to be out of luck.
My hands scrabbled behind me, searching the music stall for some large but preferably non-lethal instrument to defend myself with. My right hand found something first and came back holding…
A maraca.
Not exactly the most threatening instrument in the world. I would have preferred a guitar or even a violin, something with a good bit of weight behind it that can be used like a club.
Incidentally, this isn’t the first time I’ve used an instrument as an improvised weapon.
That was one crazy party.
The nostalgic memories brought back another memory from my old world. An alternative way to use this maraca that may well save my skinny hide from hoof-filled doom. It was a crazy tactic which had absolutely no way of succeeding in the real world. But this was Equestria, land of magic and adventure and, most importantly, occasional cartoon physics. One of the most madcap energy filled comedians around was a master at this.
No, it wasn’t Pinkie Pie.
Grabbing the maraca’s twin from the stall I leapt forward, causing all the ponies to back away cautiously.
“Hit it!” I shouted enthusiastically, waving with my maracas.
I was referring, of course, to Jim Carrey.
As soon as I had said this statement a rumba beat began to play, the sound emerging from all around us even though there were no musicians in sight. Despite how creepy random background instrumentals are I decided that I was fine with it on this one occasion as they may well help save my life.
I saw that my song was having an effect on the ponies in front of me, they looked distinctly less pissed off and some were even swaying slightly with the lively tempo.
I leapt over to False Runes, who had a dour look on her face as if she was trying to resist the urge to join in the song through sheer grumpiness. I continued to shake my maracas and gyrated my body to the funky groove. I then danced my way over to a group of mares nearby, who were smiling at my antics and dancing slightly.
I grabbed a rose from a nearby stall and held in between my teeth whilst I danced playfully in front of the mares who, to my surprise, joined in. The first offered her hoof to me, which I accepted and took her for a quick spin before whirling her off towards a nearby stallion. He caught her expertly and I noticed their eyes meeting as he gently cradled her. I would have let out a soft ‘aww’ at the scene but I was being dragged along by the song now.
At the end of this line I let out a high-pitched howl which was taken up by the stallions in the crowd, causing several mares to swoon slightly. I swayed my way back over to False Runes, who was staring in contempt at the joyful ponies. Time to bring my A-game for this one.
As I sang this stanza I wiggled my fingers at her as if I was casting some kind of spell, hopefully Equestria’s magical music will do the rest. False Runes opened her mouth, her face twisted and eyes narrowed as if she was about to insult me, but ended up doing something completely different.
Her eyes widened as she heard what she had just said, unable to comprehend why her mouth wasn’t obeying her. I grinned and leapt forward, sweeping her up in a close embrace. Her eyes widened and I could she was mentally trying to fight back but the musical mischief was stronger and she ended up dancing with me.
The crowd, stallions and mares, joined in to serenade me and False Runes.
I leapt on top of a nearby cart, dragging my unwilling dancing partner with me. I lifted the surprisingly light False Runes up so that we were face to face and she wrapped her rear legs around my waist, though I don’t think she knew why she did this. With False Runes firmly in place in a rather compromising position I began to dance again, swinging her around wildly.
I’m not sure if she managed to force her way through the musical compulsion or if the dance number just allowed her to do it but whatever the reason she managed to slap me twice across the face, although they were rather gentle. More of a spank for the face than an actual painful slap. Best to get rid of her before she manages to do some actual damage.
I spun her round once before dropping her off the edge of the cart into a waiting pile of stallions. One of them, a particularly brave one, tried to lock eyes with her only to be roughly shoved away by the irate mare. Poor fellow. I leapt forward off the cart, landing in a circle of town guards who had got caught up in the chase and subsequent dance routine.
The music changed suddenly, from the rumba beat to a conga tune, and the dance changed with it. The guards around me suddenly lining up to form a conga line with me at the head. I simply shrugged and went along with it, shaking my hips and occasionally adding a leg kick to the conga. Then the music changed again, this time to a jazzier piece, and I once again led the crowd in a dance. In between the wildly swinging legs of a square full of dancing ponies I noticed something worrying.
False Runes wasn’t dancing.
In fact it looked like she was charging up a spell to fire at me. I believe it is time for me to be moving on.
"See ya!"
With that I slipped away, concealing myself from False Runes behind a sea of multi-coloured ponies. I saw the disguised changeling frantically scanning the crowd in vain before letting the magical glow around her horn die out. She couldn’t exactly go blasting crowds of ponies at random, not if she wanted to keep the act up.
Leaving a crowd of confused yet happy ponies behind me I walked away, enchanted necklace now safe in my belt. Swirling Runes was still trapped and Velvet would probably find a way to turn the town against me, that musical number wouldn’t inconvenience her for too long.
Well, at least I confirmed that Equestria has some freaky magic mumbo jumbo that makes ponies join in with cheerful songs.
…Similar to what a combination of alcohol and a karaoke machine does to humans.
I knew that I had to act fast, which means that I don’t have time to properly think through what I’m about to do. Velvet might be easily confused but I wasn’t about to underestimate her. She was smart, maybe even smarter than me. I was fairly good at reading people, it came in helpful when playing poker, and I knew what type of person Velvet was. She was a planner, a schemer, she could come up with an incredibly cunning plan given enough time and could take into account her opponents’ moves. She would be confident that she had accounted for all variables, that nothing I could do would upset her plan. Any logical move I made would land me right in her trap. I knew exactly how dangerous such people can be and, in spite of this, I grinned to myself.
This is getting fun. I love it!
Alright then, so she’ll account for any rational actions I make. She’ll be hunting for me and will get the town to join in the chase. She’ll cut off any escape routes as well as making sure I can’t get any assistance. First thing she’ll do is inform the guard of my supposed ‘crimes’ so that they will detain me.
So I can’t make any rational choices eh? Suits me just fine.
----------
Captain Steel Mane, proud member of the Equestrian National Guard and defender of White Tail, was having a really bad day.
It had started with the influx of refugees which, whilst a happy occasion in itself, had led to complaints by many merchants and trades ponies. Who was going to feed all these refugees? Where would they stay? Would they be wanting jobs which, in our most valued opinions, should go to long standing White Tail citizens?
So many questions! Each pony protesting louder than the last. Each plaintiff holding out their right to spout their opinions as a shield against any protests on the Captain’s behalf.
And as soon as he had finished dealing with the various complaints of the towns ponies then reports had started to come in that the weird creature, Ace, had started some kind of trouble in town. Something related to Swirling Runes.
Swirling Runes. That was a name that the Captain couldn’t stop hearing no matter how much he tried.
He admitted that the mare was cute, in a rather shy and intellectual way. He had once hoped that there might be something there. Something worth pursuing. But that hope had died the moment her personality did a complete turnaround. All of a sudden she was brazen, practically strutting down every street, and was even cruel to those who took an interest in her, often leading them on a bit before crushing their hopes.
Steel Mane let out a sigh, remembering an important lesson his father had taught him once. He had said:
“Son, no matter what you do in life, watch out for the quiet ones. Doesn’t matter what they end up doing or who else is involved. For some reason it is always the quiet ones.”
He had got that right at least.
“Sir?” Steel Mane looked up from his reminiscing to see his secretary poking her head round the door. “You have a visitor.”
“Is it another complaint? Because I don’t know if I can handle any more.”
“No sir. Actually it’s a zebra, one of the refugees, he says he urgently needs to talk to you.”
“Alright send him in.”
The secretaries head disappeared and a few moments later was replaced by the tired face of an old zebra who slowly plodded his way into the room.
“Greetings, I am Captain Steel Mane, and you are?”
“Name’s Zende young ‘un, and I’ve got some rather bad news for you.”
“Oh? Worse than one of your refugees causing trouble in my town?”
“Aye, much worse. See, I’ve been talking to the others, asking them how they got caught, and I noticed some rather worrying similarities. Almost all of them were hired by a business known as the East Equestrian Trading Company. Some of them were hired to explore this region and mark down any potential dig sites, others to bring trade to far away towns such as your lovely settlement. But in each tale there is a single constant. They were following the supposedly ‘safe’ route set by the Company when they were ambushed by Diamond Dogs.”
Steel Mane managed to keep up a professional exterior but on the inside his mind was reeling from the implications. The East Equestrian Trading Company was one of Equestria’s biggest handlers of shipping and trade. They had offices in Stalliongrad, Maneapolis and Manehatten. They had bits in everything from the spice trade, to gems, even baking products.
And perhaps even the slave trade?
“This is a very serious accusation Mr. Zende. Do you have any firm evidence?”
“Not yet I don’t but I think I know someone who will be able to get some.”
“Oh? Who would that be?”
“The most crazy, pig-headed arrogant creature I’ve ever had the misfortune of running across. Unfortunately he is also crafty, deviously intelligent and the perfect tool for the job.” A look of begrudging respect passed over Zende’s face as he said this.
“You forgot devilishly handsome.” Steel Mane whirled round at the sound of a voice from behind him, instantly drawing his sword in his mouth and aiming it at the potential threat.
The troublemaking biped was sat, as relaxed as if he were on a bench in the park, on the Captain’s window sill. A window sill that was located on the third floor of a barracks full of guards…
How in Tartarus did he do that?
“Oh, put that away before you hurt yourself. You're not even the most threatening thing I’ve faced today, never mind this week.” Ace leapt from his seated position and approached the wary captain, only to walk right past him and snatch an apple from the fruit bowl on his desk.
“Sorry, I’m absolutely famished. Hey Zende, how’s life?” He asked cheerfully.
“I’m so old that my mind should have turned to mush yet I’m still the most perceptive being in this room.”
“Well, that’s just hilarious. I believe you were talking about conspiracy theories before I broke into the conversation…also broke into this room but that’s neither here nor there.”
Steel Mane was getting pretty tired of being ignored by this borderline criminal. How dare he break in here! How dare he cause trouble in my town! How dare he get involved with Swirling Runes!
“Alright! That’s it! You! Weird biped thing! You have three second to explain why I shouldn’t arrest you right now!”
“That’s rather rude.”
“One…”
“Isn’t that rude Zende?”
“Two…”
“I mean I go to all the trouble of trying to free the real Swirling Runes and this is the thanks I get? You’re a bloody ungrateful lot.”
“…I’m listening.” If Runes needed him...then that was entirely different.
“I knew I had you figured out Cappy, you’re a stallion of the people. The proud upstanding guard. They should use you on recruitment posters…although you may need to learn to smile a bit more. Seriously, whenever we talk you’re always so grumpy.”
“That’s because we’re talking.” Steel Mane replied with a sigh, this talkative fool was really getting on his nerves.
“See what I mean Zende? Rude, just plain rude.”
“Go buck yourself.” The disgruntled zebra responded.
“Well! See if I come here again! I rate your town a measly two stars, terrible service, rude guards, incompetent angry mobs. You really need to up your game if you want to win the ‘best town’ award.”
“Would you get to the point already!” Steel Mane and Zende shouted simultaneously.
“Fine, fine. Listen, you’ve been infiltrated by a Changeling. She’s disguised as Swirling Runes and has some freaky magical necklace that attracts ponies to her whilst protecting her from the guards Changeling searches. Or should I say protected her? You see, I may have kind of stolen said necklace.” He reached into his belt and pulled out a simple bronze necklace with a glowing blue sapphire embedded in the front.
“So she’s defenseless?” Zende inquired.
“Well…not quite. She still has Swirling Runes held hostage and half the town out looking for me, so I’m rather limited in my department to help her. That’s where I need you to come in. I can probably catch her attention for a while whilst you break Runes out of her prison. Then we can safely take down the Changeling without tripping any magical failsafe.”
“And why, pray tell, don’t I just mobilise the entire guard on her buggy flank?”
“Because, Mister Tactical Genius, she isn’t stupid. If she sees unusual guard movement then she’ll realise that she’s been rumbled and cut her losses. Her losses include Swirling Runes. So, unless you want Runes to die…”
“Of course not!
“Oh good. Then you’ll do exactly what I say. Maybe this time people will actually stick to the bloody plan. Well then, I’d best be off.”
“Hold it a minute! If this doesn’t work out, and if anything happens to Swirling Runes, then no power on this planet will stop me from hunting you down and sending your soul to the deepest pit in Tartarus.” The Captain allowed a bit of his barely restrained anger to enter his voice at this statement.
“Got it. Runes gets hurt, I go to hell. I’ll remember that. Best of luck Captain” With that, Ace’s hand flashed out and a small round object was sent flying to the floor where it exploded into a cloud of smoke. By the time the room cleared Ace had disappeared, along with the magical necklace and all the fruit on the Captain’s desk.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Zende said, waving a hoof in front of his face to clear away the smoke “That guy is a bit of a bastard.”
“A magnificent bastard!” Called said bastard’s voice from outside the window.
----------
So I sold out and ripped off a scene from the Mask, don't worry about berating me for it. I feel kind of dirty already.
Speaking of selling out, and shameless self-promotion, I've written a short silly one shot. Check it out here.
Or don't, whetever you want really.
Signed,
A Horrible Person
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Incredible chapter.
1156984
By the 9 divines.
He has commented before it was released. BLASMEPHY (I like it spelled like that)
Ye shalt be smitten by ... THE PIE
One day the voodoo shallt make you get custard in the face.
Oh good. I was worried the whole "ponies think he's evil and working with/is a Changeling" thing would go on for a bunch of chapters.
magnifique
*Cheers* oh hell yeah! this story just had to be featured!
Whoo! Go Jim Carrey!... Ace! I mean go Ace!
Jim Carrey is a master of comedy, there be no shame in learning from the master
the mask......with ponies?
[img] http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/5/52044/2060390-i_like_it.jpg [/img]
BY ASURA, THAT REFERENCE
SMOKE BOMBS FTW! And freeing hostages too, I guess.
Has got to be the best line yet! Oh this is awesome!
Horray for Ace!
Hey at least Ace admits he's ripping it off himself
Ace you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BO-CHAPTER!
...
*goes to the shame-corner and deletes his next chapter*
You know what's in it...
-Glassed
I just saw The Mask a week ago, and two stories I follow have used it in a chapter since then, kind of a funne coincidence
Anyway, lets get on with it, love the story, brilliantly written, hilarious as all hell, I laughed my butt off at the "Magnificent Bastard" line and so on. In short, keep it up, my barrel'y friend!
If anyone has a right to make that joke its you and you did it perfectly.
Awesome chapter
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/the%2Bmask.%2Bdem%2Btags_2069f7_3520428.jpg
i love you so much right now.
... Well CRAP. Now I wanna write a Mask Crossover fic! xD The Mask is just too awesome NOT to reference! (And THAT'S why I love this fandom! xD Everypony adds their own fave references, and most of them I know, and the ones I don't I get to look up! XD Keep it up! SHAMELESSNESS FOR THE SHAMELESS WIN!
)
Horrible person what?!
That is one of my favorite movies!
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5118-da.png i approve carry on my good sir
You have me and slendy following you yes your that awesomei.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/4/16/MdWnNUmJDEWKHv3hUbgONQ2.jpg
1163630
o.O someone other than me who swears by the nine? That's a first!
Other than that, Ok, selling out or not, I enjoyed this chapter! I always love it when fics use the spontaneous musicals, so using this in conjunction with The Mask of all things is just pure genius! Genius I say!
For some reason i just don't see it as a sell out, it fits Ace so perfectly... also is it just me or did Zende kind of change attitudes?
Well, this is just amazing, and by Celestia I demand more.
1224927 Oh god, I just thought of Pinkie putting on the mask. It ended up like dividing by zero.
This:
paired with this:
Is that a Skyrim reference? I could have sworn Brinjolf said something along those lines about Gulem-Ei.
Can't stop laughing this is the best use of this song I've ever read
*sips water* Huh, picks up a maraca, bet he's going to do a Mask reference. *reads on* Huh, he does, say, what that weird expanding pressure in my skull?
blog.ancientlasers.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Mind-Blown.jpg
I would just like to state, this isn't the only chessgame fic that uses that mask scene.
“A magnificent bastard!” Called said bastard’s voice from outside the window.
Fucking brilliant.
Magnificent bastard indeed!
THAT WINS IT! JIM CARREY REFERENCE WINS IT!
11/5! 23/7! ALL THAT JAZZ! I LOVE THIS FIC TOO MUCH NOW. Better update it before I get to chapter 35 got it!
The world would be a much better place if we emulated the Mask every now and again
This chapter. This chapter won so hard, I think Charlie Sheen might get jealous. Maximum internets to you
You! You evil! Conniving! Bastard!!! I almost lost my ice cream when I opened up the Mask link! Well done
...The second I saw the words maracas, that scene played in my head
"Meh, there's no way in hell the author would be that predicable" I said.
Read that part.
"Well buck me"
1240721 I thought it was a Pirates of the Carribian reffrence (It's 26 mins past midnight, the hell with propper spelling)
Why did I know the Cuban Pete scene was coming when he came up with a maraca?
Oh.My.God.
THIS FREAKING STORY READS MY MIND
I Honestly Commented On The Previous Chapter Of Him Singing "Cuban Pete" And This Freaking Shows Up.........My God I Think I'm In Love.
Man, when I listened to the music while reading (I had to pause it to keep up of course) you had me shaking to the beat while imagining the video!
man, when he busted out the maracas, i was like please let it be cuban pete
Okay, that was badass.
Fav chapter so far.
Cuban Pete=Best plot device ever.
I'm Faving this one, and flashing the thumbs too.
And while I'm at it, have a 'Stache.
2613424 Oh cool no pun-
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-
Hah!
The mask
Why have you deleted the Lyrics from your story? I'm sure they where there the last time I checked...
funniest chapter yet
2613424 aww you beat me to marocin a pun.
They call me Cuban Pete, I'm the king of the rumba beat.
When I play my maracas I go chic-chicki boom, chic-chicki boom
I Knew there was a good reason to learn that song.