Royal Flush
Edited by:
PieisGood4U
So there I was about to break into the bedchamber of an all powerful goddess. Naturally the ridiculousness of the situation made me consider a few things.
Mainly, how this would be a great story to tell my kids one day. If I ever have kids that is.
At least the lock on the window looked fairly simple, not exactly vault level security here. I withdrew my picks from their pouch and raised them to the lock, grinning slightly as I inserted them in. The moment the metal pick touched the lock I got a nasty surprise. A high powered charge shot through the pick and into my hand, causing me to leap back with a startled yelp. Shaking my hand to get rid of the pain, I examined what was left of my pick. Half of it had been entirely melted, the powerful magic that had shot through it turning it into a small pile of slag.
“Bummer.” I muttered, wondering how I was supposed to get past an enchanted lock.
Magic just makes everything so unfair. I’ve never had to pick a lock that actively tries to fight back against me. It was certainly a new challenge. I don’t even know how powerful this lock enchantment was, otherwise I could just get Iron to throw Summer over and have her blast it open. Considering it was an alicorn in the room, I’m going to guess it’s a pretty powerful one. Luckily, I had an alternative available to me. Reaching behind my back, I drew forth my knife and jammed it into the lock, hoping that the magic resistant metal would be able to disarm the enchantment. Wrenching the blade to one side, I broke the lock and popped the window open, my knife coming through the other side distinctly un-melted. Success.
I suppressed my giggles over how easy it was to bust a high powered magical lock and stepped inside. I should probably warn the princess to set up something more physical to repel invaders. Magic is all very nice and fancy but it probably pays to have something more tangible to fall back on in case someone has something anti-magic on them. Then again, she is a thousand year old god-princess, shouldn’t she have learnt this already...
I felt my hoof snag on something and barely managed to throw myself to the floor before a crossbow bolt slammed into the wall behind where my head had been. Tripwire. That was clumsy of me. I underestimated her just because she is a pretty pony princess who rules over a peaceful utopia land. Won’t make that mistake again.
Carefully watching my steps this time, I crept across the room to where I could make out a slumbering form tucked up in a large queen-sized bed. I managed to complete the strenuous task of crossing the room without setting of any other traps, which I was personally quite impressed with. I noticed several deadly traps around the room, including what appeared to be a large axe attached to roof and ready to swing down on anyone who tried to force the door open. I guess Princess Luna is still living in the past a bit, no doubt peaceful modern Equestrians would be a bit put off by these excessive defensive measures. Or perhaps she just values her privacy.
After avoiding tripwires and sidestepping what looked like pressure plates on the floor, I reached the slumbering form of the Night Princess. I reached out hesitantly with one hand and poked her in the side.
“Hey Princess...wake up.” I whispered to her.
I didn't even have time to react before one dark hoof shot out and slammed into my chest, causing me to explosively release the breath that I had been holding and sending me flying backwards at high speed. My abrupt flight across the room was stopped when I collided with a large wooden wardrobe, rebounding painfully off of its frame and collapsing to the floor.
“Not sure I deserved that.” I gasped out.
“Who dares intrude upon our rest?!” Princess Luna thundered as she stepped over to my prone form, speaking at slightly less than Royal Canterlot Voice volume.
“Erm...me.” She looked down at me, recognition sparking in her eyes. “Hey Princess, we have got to stop beating like this.”
The look in her eyes went from recognition to disgust. “Was that a pun?” She asked. “We should hit you again just for that one.”
“Killjoy.” I muttered as I got back to my hooves.
“Well? Why hast thou come to us at this late hour? You impressed us with your behaviour at the bar brawl, but do not think that that gives you the right to break into our bedchamber merely for fun.”
Well she seems a bit annoyed. I’d best use my gentlemanly manners and winning charm to diffuse this situation before she assaults me again.
“My Princess.” I began, giving her a large sweeping bow. “I hate to disturb your rest but I must bring you the most terrible and urgent news. I hate to report it but one of your subjects, a business stallion named Profit Margin, has committed treason against Equestria by selling ponies into slavery.”
The Princesses eyes turned dark and her expression became stern and cold. Standing before her, it was all I could do not to break down and shiver in fright. It was not so hard to believe that the being stood before me had once been Nightmare Moon and had tried to take over the world. “This is a serious accusation you make, perhaps the most serious. I hope for your sake that you have more evidence than merely your word.” If I thought her expression was serious, her voice was even more so, the sound of it sending icicles through my spine.
“Of course I do.” I said quickly, hoping to diffuse, or at the very least redirect, her anger.
I swept my hat off from atop my head and rummaged inside before drawing out the shipping manifest. I held it before myself as some sort of papery shield, watching as it was snatched away by Luna’s telekinetic grasp. The paper levitated up in front of her face, obscuring it from me. I could tell she was reading it and I could tell the effect it was having on her. Her legs trembled in what looked like suppressed fury as she read. I was expecting to see a terrible anger on her face when she removed the paper yet instead all I got was...
Sorrow, with a hint of disappointment.
Her eyes were close to watering and her lower jaw was trembling. I had not expected this, not at all. Righteous anger? Yes. Uncontrollable fury? Also yes. Tears and anguish? Not so much, no. I watched awkwardly as the Princess of the Night held back her tears, sniffling as she swallowed her sadness. I have never been very good with emotional people, usually I end up running away from them before they direct those emotions at me. I couldn’t do that this time though. I may just be the messenger but I, indirectly, made Princess Luna cry, and I had to be the one to do something about it. Time to nut up or shut up.
I gulped and stepped towards the tearful princess, pausing in my advance as her legs gave out and she lay upon the ground, still sniffling. I steeled my nerves and knelt next to her, throwing one arm around her and drawing her in close. She pressed her head in close to my chest and began to weep. I could do nothing but sit there and rock the goddess, making quite shushing noises as I did so.
I had no idea she would react like this, but even the strongest willed people have a weak spot. You might be the most implacable stony-faced bastard in the world, but there will still be something out there that will make you cry like a newborn baby. For Princess Luna, I guess that thing is the crimes and betrayals of her subjects. For both her and her sister alike probably. They put so much effort into making Equestria a utopia, trying to teach ponies to love and respect each other in peace. To give so much of yourself for others, and then to have them throw it back in your face. It must be devastating.
I don’t know how long I consoled the Night Princess for, time seemed to blur after a while. Eventually Luna ran out of tears and pulled away from me, sniffing slightly as she regained her dignity. She arose back to her full height at the same time I did, both of us looking at each other and composing ourselves awkwardly.
“What is your name?” She asked suddenly.
“Ace, your majesty.”
“Thank you Ace, for your devotion and kindness, both to Equestria and to me.” She said, dropping the traditional Royal We.
“It...it was an honour princess.” I stammered in reply, causing her to smile slightly.
“Please, call me Luna.” She almost whispered, evidently employing the lessons she learnt in voice control from Fluttershy. “I thank you for bringing this news to me, as distressing as it may be.”
“That’s not all princ...Luna.” Her face fell slightly at the revelation that there might be further bad news. “Oh no! No, it’s not bad. In fact, it’s quite good, if I do say so myself. Sort of a present for you and for Equestria, I left it on the rooftop of the building next door when I broke into here.”
Evidently her curiosity was piqued as she stepped across the room, expertly avoiding all of her anti-intruder traps. I followed her course through the veritable minefield and joined her over by the window. Across the chasm between the buildings I could see Summer and Iron standing next to a large bundle, both of them waving as they noticed me and the Princess.
“My partners in crime, so to speak.” I explained when the Princess sent me a confused glance. “Couldn’t have pulled it off without them.”
“And what, pray tell, did you ‘pull off’?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at me.
“Well, that would ruin the big reveal wouldn’t it?” I replied, giving her a grin. “You wouldn’t happen to have someway of getting us both across that big ol’ gap now would you? Maybe some fancy alicorn magic? I’m afraid that your gift was a bit too big to smuggle into your room.”
In response she simply sent her own grin right back at me before flaring out her wings, forcing me to dodge back from them as they shot out. “You realise these are not just for show.” She said cheekily.
“Well, that’ll get you across I suppose, but what about myself?”
She shot me that cheeky little grin again before lighting her horn up and pointing it at me. I quickly found myself surrounded in a light blue haze that covered my entire body, eliciting a tingling sensation all over me. I slowly began to rise into the air, panicking at first as my hooves left the stability of the floor but eventually relaxing as I realised I was in capable hands...hooves...magical power field thing. Yeah, I was in a capable magical power field, that works.
“Shall we?” Princess Luna said, gesturing with one hoof towards the edge of the balcony. Before I had a chance to reply or state any hesitance I had towards her plan, she had already taken off.
She burst from the balcony in a blur of dark feathers, her black wings extending outwards to display all her plumage and catch the updraft from below. I found myself following her, levitating off of the ground and out over the gap. I should have been pretty scared right now, after all the only thing keeping me safe is Luna’s magic, but to be honest I find myself trusting the Night Princess, even with my life. This surprised me more than I care to admit. I’m not used to trusting people, especially not people who have so much power over me.
Also, being levitated is rather fun. I suppose it is kind of like being in zero gravity.
I threw my arms up in the air and swung them forwards, doing a front flip in mid air and giggling as I did so. Childish I know, but honestly how many opportunities am I going to have to mess around whilst levitating? Princess Luna looked over at me as I messed around, a cunning grin appearing on her face. All of a sudden her magic cut out and I felt gravity claim me again, sending me plummeting downwards. The sound of a scream reached my ears. That must be Summer, there’s no possible way that it was me. Nope, none at all. I may have released a manly shout of surprise as I was dropped but nothing so girly as a scream.
Oh right, I was still falling wasn’t I?
Just before my brain decided to set up the projector screen, pull out that old photo album and take me on a nostalgic trip down memory lane towards fatality, I felt two furred limbs hook under my armpits and pull me up with ridiculous strength. My jaw clamped shut and I quit my screaming...I mean, my manly shouting. Craning my neck, I looked over at my saviour, Princess Luna, who was grinning down at me with the look of the world’s second most malicious prankster, beaten only by Discord.
“Ponies are evil.” I grumbled, eliciting a light giggle from Luna.
Thankfully, she managed to get me to the rooftop where Iron and Summer were waiting without further incident, though I think she was tempted to throw me into the air and see if she could catch me again. When I was back on stable footing once more, and damn near kissing the ground at my hooves, I looked to see both Iron and Summer kneeling before a rather embarrassed looking Princess Luna.
“Please rise.” She said softly to them. “If anything, we should be thanking you.”
Iron and Summer hesitantly rose, glancing nervously at each other and silently questioning what they were supposed to do around royalty. I suppose I could help them out, tell them to relax a bit, but then I can’t help but remember that Iron is extorting drinks out of me and Summer slammed me into a balcony not ten minutes ago. I took a seat on one of the bags of gold, pulling out my pipe and watching Summer and Iron stammer out greetings. After a few minutes of awkward silence I decided to end it, mostly because it was making Luna feel a bit awkward as well.
“Luna, how much do you like stories?” I began, drawing everyone’s attention to me.
“We have always enjoyed a good fable.” She replied. “Though the bards of old no longer sing their epic tales.”
“Well then, you’re in for a treat. I’ve got a story to tell you. A story of cunning, and anger, and bravery. It is the tale of how I got all this gold that I’m sitting on, and how we helped bring down the most corrupt pony in the city.” And I began to narrate the events that had transpired over the last couple of days. Luna sat transfixed before my portrayal of our daring con, blushing when I told of her brawling skills. Even Summer and Iron seemed to be enthralled by my story, and they had been there for most of it.
When I got to the end, Princess Luna looked at me, an air of curiosity and quiet determination about her. “And what do you intend to do now?” She asked.
“Why, hand over all the evidence that we’ve gathered so far. Of course, all of this shiny gold will have to be confiscated by the state. I’m thinking that the funds might be best invested in something to compensate the community for what they have suffered, perhaps the building of a hospital or an orphanage. I have no real say in the matter, being just a common thief that I am, but if I were, say for example, a powerful and kind princess then I would make sure it went into fighting slavery and eradicating it from this peaceful land. How ‘bout it?” I said, reaching out a hand towards Luna.
She looked at it, then raised her head and looked me straight in the eyes. “Agreed.” She said, reaching out and giving me a firm hoof/handshake. “But surely you should receive some kind of reward for your heroism here today. Perhaps a portion of the funds?”
“No, thank ye Princess.” Iron said firmly. “It wouldn’t feel right for an individual to profit from this.”
“Yeah, the money should go back into the community.” Summer added. Both of them looked over at me expectantly.
“What? Oh! Yes, of course. I couldn’t possibly accept any sort of reward for this. I was merely doing my civic duty after all.” I said with a grimace. “Anyways, although it has been a pleasure to meet you I believe we should really wrap our business up quickly, preferably before your guards report you missing and start a nationwide princess hunt.”
“They do worry so.” She said lightly, before wrapping the manifest and the money in her magic, forcing me to abandon my seating position. “We...I thank you beyond what words can express. If you are ever in need of any assistance, then remember that you have a friend in the Royal Family.”
“You realise I’ll probably end up calling that favour in before too long?” I noted.
“I know, and I look forward to when we next meet, even if it may well be from opposite sides of a prison cell.” She said before adopting a seductive grin and looking at me through lidded eyes. “Though we shall see who ends up in chains.” She gave a little growl before disappearing in a flash of light, taking the gold with her and leaving the three of us standing there, stunned.
After meeting Princess Luna, seeing the incredible range of emotion she displays over the course of a conversation and gaining suspicions that she may have some sort of fluctuating personality disorder, I am left with but one question.
“Why the hell didn’t she just teleport us both over here the first time?”
Iron and Summer looked at me as I voiced this aloud before looking back at each other.
“Luna likes Ace~” They sang in a childish tone. “Luna likes Ace~”
“Oh let’s just go back to the inn. I’m very tired right now.” I grumbled before stalking away, chewing on my pipe with far too much force.
The next day the rising sun found us in an unusual place, huddled together behind a bush outside of Profit Margins manor. There were several reasons for this, each more complex and convincing than the last, but the main one was that, upon waking, I had found a note on my bedside table. A note from Princess Luna no less, informing us that she would have the guards move against Profit Margin bright and early in the morning.
So naturally we camped outside to watch his humiliation and the fruit of our labours. I couldn’t even justify this as part of our ‘civic duty’, we just quite wanted to see this guy be dragged away in chains.
One thing about the Lunar Guard, if you want a showy arrest with plenty of chains and angry screaming involved then these guys are the ones to deliver it. I wanted to see a dozen guards bust down the door in a display of judicial power that wouldn’t be out of place in a film about two loose cannon cops with attitude. The Lunar Guard certainly didn’t disappoint either. The event started up with a variety of unicorn and earth pony guards standing on either side of the main doorway before a titanic earth pony, unironically named Battering Ram, charged the door and bucked it straight off. The ponies on the ground charged through the opening and began to shout very loudly for, and I quote, ‘everypony eat dirt before we make you eat dirt!’ Meanwhile, pegasus guards had smashed through several windows on the second floor, effectively cutting off any possible escape routes for the inhabitants. An effective pincer move if I ever saw one.
Barely five minutes later a very irate, and quite vocal, Profit Margin was dragged from the house. He was being carried upon the back of Battering Ram and was almost completely covered with various chains, manacles and hoofcuffs. It looked like he had been arrested by a ninja master of bondage-fu, though the lack of leather kind of disputed this theory. As he was carried past the bush we were hiding behind, bouncing painfully with every purposefully springy step that Battering Ram took, we heard him quite clearly.
“You can’t do this to me! I am a member of the nobility! The nobility! You hear me?! Get off me you peasants!” He screamed, his face red with impotent fury.
Not one guard paid any attention to him, he was completely ignored before being unceremoniously thrown into the back of a barred wagon. As the door to the wagon was opened to allow Profit Margin inside, I noticed the pitiful form of Pencil Pusher inside, alongside the now quite depressed looking butler. The criminal and his accessories all together behind bars, for as long as they could be kept there. I could just see Margin's face as he peered out of the barred window on the wagon, still shouting insults to the uncaring guards around him. Deciding to give him a clue about who had caused his downfall, I tapped my companions on the shoulders and stood up, causing them to rise alongside me. Margin noticed us as we stood, his eyes going wide and his mouth falling silent as he noticed 'Lord Will' and came to the horrible realization of what had happened to him. His mouth continued to move but completely failed to produce any sound, though it looked like he was attempting to say 'You utter bastards.'
I looked over at where the guards were gathering around Princess Luna, who declared their victory over injustice in her usual volume. The guards before her bowed, both out of respect and out of the sheer force of her voice. Luna looked up from her troops for a moment and glanced over at where we were stood, smiling softly towards us before returning to her royal demeanour.
“Come on guys.” I addressed Iron and Summer contentedly. “I think our work here is done.”
A moment of quiet reflection passed by as we each smiled with satisfaction over a job well done.
“Also, we should probably leave the city pretty quick. We don’t have enough money left to pay the innkeeper for our stay.” I chose that moment to ruin it. As we scurried away from our hiding place towards the nearest city gate, our belongings on our backs, I couldn’t help but think.
It’s good to be a thief.
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Ace is probably the most charismatic character I've seen in this fandom, period. Wonderfully written, with a good heart, but he still has his quirks and flaws that keep him grounded, so to speak. Really, this is just one of my favorite stories to read, period. Great job so far, Barrel, hope that this gets better for you as you write it.
...LOL. Dat ending!
*slow clap initiated'*
“Also, we should probably leave the city pretty quick. We don’t have enough money left to pay the innkeeper for our stay.” A way to ruin the moment!
Loved the chapter but that's nothing unusual for this fic. The only thing I didn't completely agree with with was showing themselves at the end. Would have loved to see his face when he attempted to claim his title during court only to be told that no such title exists.
Also what did they do about the cash they got for the title? Did they forget to cash in or did they add it to the sack of gold?
P.S. would have loved to see his face when he went to what was left of his office, have his butler then inform him that the government does not recognise his claim to nobility immediately followed by him getting tackled arrested as he walks out of his office building.
Fuckin 'A mate
Keep up the amazing work
You made me "LOL" several times
1593164
Luna took the gold with her when she left. I've edited to make that more clear. Thanks for the help
rule one in equestria DONT FUCK WITH THE PRINCESSES OR THIER PONIES
It is my honest and heartfelt opinion that every word, every single letter in this story, is conceived through unbridled comic genius, laced with divinity, oraculously committed to this site, and outlined with pure fucking gold.
If i ever met you in person, i would say to you "cool story bro", and the three underlines and five exclamation points would be audible*
*from three blocks away
That was beautiful.
And Woona plus Ace equals brilliance. Just sayin'.
bahahahahahaha
according to profit margin their bastards... they dont seem like it to me... anyone else see that?
bang up job mate
1593273
That made me laugh. Thanks for the compliment, it's good to know that my work is appreciated.
Ha!
1593275
I enjoyed writing Luna's parts, she is such a fun character to mess about with. Especially when she decides to be Princess Mischief.
1593040
Thanks man, that means a lot, especially coming from an author as talented as yourself. I shall endeavour to continue to please.
This chapter was as brillient as the rest of the story
Just one thing...
Damn you for putting "It looked like he had been arrested by a ninja master of bondage-fu"
I know I have a dirty mind and I did not need that inside it.
... now I need to find a rock or something
Way to go man, Ace and Luna... I can dig this
I shall perform magic for you for this awesome chapter!
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3343-1330498067209.gif
Luna is such a player, that's three pieces chasing her tail now.
1593181the ending kindly reminded me of a leverage ending
Nice job, though I wonder how many pieces Luna's given that look to/ gotten the look from
i want ace's life. why cant i be that badass?
1593315 Appreciated? I worship this fic.
I feel like Ace and Luna are going to be meeting each other a lot over the next while... May their relationship flourish.
:O this story it the best.
cant wait to see what the favor will be.
Reminds me of Cloud Kicker's encounter with Luna in The Life and Times of a Winning Pony
//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Soarin_dayum.png
do you think luna will tell celestia or just say it was an anonymous tip
also i think ace should meet with luna and celestia at the same time....
p.s AMAZING CHAPTER !!!
yayayayayayayayaya best chapter yet! amazing job, keep goin and stay golden^^
1593255
literally... *wink**wink*
So... Just read through all of this, and wow, It is probably one of the best... CGotG (am I saying that right?) stories around, if not The best.
I look forward to continuing it.
Soooo I'm personally kinda expecting Ace to have swiped a gold bar or something...
You know cause... shinny... 
I freaking LOVE this story!
Its brilliantly written and Ace is so awesome ermahgerd!
1593040 "It’s good to be a thief."
He stole your line.
Good stuff mainard.
Its good to be a thief, aka "Take what you can, give nothing back"
My favorite chess game fic so far
Of COURSE it's good to be a thief! I'm currently level 8 or 9 in Baldur's Gate, and lovin every second of it!
1597994 If you know what I mean.
That actually registered in my heart. Must mean you're a good writer...
Damn, didn't know Luna had a sexual tiger side... this fan fiction has been upped to AAA status on my economy-ranking-system-turned-fan-fiction-ranking-system system.
Meh, just be glad she didn't have several hundred Draugrs waiting for you.
Barrel...Better...Bustling...Bashful...Biggering...Sums Up My Mind Right Now.....
TO THE NEXT CHAAAPPPTEERRRR
3:30.... No, not PM, I'm still up reading your chapters at 3:30 IN THE MORNING!
2764296 At the time of writing it is 3:35 AM.
I win.
Zombie land for the win.
zombielandrules.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/zombieland-rule-8.jpg
aaaaand that's my 15 chapters for today
1613548
you had to bring Johnny depp into this didn't you?! C'mere poppet 
2826422 zombie partners are like pies, there not all good but when you fond one you like... You slaughter all faster then Canadians (like myself) remind Americans (like the poor chaps down the road) of the war of 1812
Run. Run fast. Run far.
Crucial step to the plan, don't fuck the princess of the night.
DAAAMN Luna!
Your the best Princess 
Ace and his justice assistance are the best friends he could wish for 
9193732
Only problem is she had many lifetimes of dinners at this point 
Why not? To be fair hes foing to take her out for a dinner of a lifetime out first