Wild Card

by Barrel-of-fun

Ace Detective

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex
fireshadow11

----------

Tracking my target was surprisingly easy, all I had to do was follow the tail of drooling stallions. Actually figuring out where she was going was another thing entirely. Having absolutely no previous experience with the village didn’t exactly help either. She seemed to meander at random through the village, I’m pretty sure we just passed the bench where this wild goose chase started.

At least I got to admire that ass whilst I followed her.

It’s not stalking, it’s investigating. There’s a difference.

The only constant throughout my tailing of the mysterious human was that wherever she went she drew the attention of all the stallions, and several mares. However as soon as she was out of sight it was as if a spell was broken. All her fans would let out a wistful sigh before returning to their duties or, in the case of several unfortunate couples, be berated by their partner.

As the evidence of foul play mounted up so did my suspicions that this human was no human at all.

A human in Equestria? That’s completely ridiculous.

This may require more investigation than simply following her and seeing what happens. I may actually have to ask questions and deduce facts based on reasonable evidence.

That’s boring! Can’t I just blow something up instead and call it a day?

I considered this option for a while but ended up discarding it for several reasons. One, the guards would probably be pissed if I caused any trouble, especially as I had been specifically warned against it. Two, I’m in the middle of a town and innocent ponies could get hurt. Three, elephants are the only mammals that can’t jump. Four, I used up all my dynamite blowing up the Diamond Dog cave.

I feel that not all my reasons may be relevant.

Regardless, I’ll have to leave my stalking for now so that I can ask some questions. Witnesses shouldn’t be too hard to find, damn near the entire stallion population of the town were drooling at the sight of her. She didn’t exactly go unnoticed. Why were they drooling though? That’s going to be my first question.

“Excuse me, sir,” I stated, approaching a nearby pegasus stallion “ but if I may intrude. What exactly do you find sexually attractive about that woman?”

“…nice…wings…” He managed to reply, barely breaking from his stupor. Okay, that’s more than a bit odd. I tried again, this time asking a unicorn.

“Excuse me, but what is it about her that gets your jimmies rustled?”

“Long horn…” He replied, almost zombie-like.

Hmm, I’m beginning to form a theory, but I need more proof.

“Sir, care to tell me what exactly it is about that woman that makes you walk in an odd and embarrassing way?”

“Nice flank…”

“And you sir, what does she have that would bring all the boys to the yard?”

“Covered in jam…”

My theory is proven correct, ponies have some weird kinks. I’m glad that I understand that now, I feel that this investigation has really been a breakthrough for the social sciences.

…Also that mare appears to be using some kind of spell to make stallions see what they want to see in her.

I thought about what I’d seen, the raven haired beauty in the expensive lingerie. I’m not sure what the fact she was wearing money as a bra says about my personality, but I’m fairly certain it isn’t very complimentary. Maybe I should ask some of the mares, the ones that aren’t joining in the drooling session, what they see.

“Sorry to bother you miss, but I was wondering if you could tell me who that was mare was?”

“Oh no, are you obsessed with her as well?”

“No, just a little curious.”

“Hmm, alright then. Her name is Swirling Runes and she’s quickly becoming the bane of this town.”

“Why?”

“Well look at her, look at what she does to all the stallions. She used to be just a plain little unicorn but then one day. BAM! Complete makeover. Suddenly she’s attracting all the attention and I can’t even get a male to look at me when she’s around. It’s getting to be unbearable!”

“That’s very…erm…informative.” Not going to lie, this mare’s enthusiasm was ever so slightly creepy.

“So, are you intending to do something about her? Maybe…take care of our little problem?”

“Lady, you’re being deliberately ambiguous. That could mean anything, you could want me to kill her, or take her out to a nice restaurant, or maybe even uncover how exactly she is seducing everyone. Who do you think I am?! Do you really think I would just go about doing such things recklessly?!”

“…yes?”

“You would be correct, Random Mare, I totally intend to do that. Not the killing thing, I mean the finding out how she’s seducing ponies thing. I’m not a monster.”

“Okaaaaaay…you have fun with that…” The rather hesitant sounding mare backed off, which disappointed me slightly. Where’d all that powerful emotion go?

Ponies are such wimps, they never fully commit to stalking someone relentlessly until you find out their every secret.

“One more thing, miss, before you flee in terror would you be able to point me in the direction of Swirling Rune’s house?” I wasn’t really expecting much here, I’ll admit that wasn’t my smoothest line ever. Yet the mare was perfectly willing to pause in her attempts to subtly escape and gave me precise directions to my target, before hyperventilating slightly and running off.

Okay, so they might be a bit wimpy but they are really big on the social niceties. Really polite folk.

It would probably be quite easy to exploit that. I’ll keep that in mind.

The directions that the mare gave me took me to a small two story house on the edge of town. Like the rest of the town it was made out of white marble, making it look like a pearl. However if this house were a pearl then it would probably come from the oyster that all the other oysters feel slightly ashamed to be around. The oyster that ruins any social situations and tends to get way too up in your face about stuff.

You know the oyster I mean.

Anyway, the house's white surface was cracked and dirty, its windows covered in grime to the point where they no longer functioned for their intended purpose. Underneath one of the windows there was what once might have been a plant pot, but now looked more like a mad scientists attempt to cultivate a miniature jungle. The door was a grotty piece of wood with a shoddy paint job, the red paint clashing horribly with the white walls that surrounded it and causing the tarnished door handle to look horribly obtrusive.

I am no architect but even I can tell that fixing this place would take more than just a new coat of paint.

Enough sightseeing, break into the goddamn house already.

Is that my criminal urges speaking? God, what a pushy bitch. Disregarding the demanding nature of my subconscious I got to work assessing the best point of entry into the house. The window on the upper floor looked like the easiest way in, its dilapidated frame indicating the lack of a well-maintained lock. It would be quite easy to get up there as well, although it would be much easier if I had feet. Hooves aren’t exactly built for wall climbing but luckily the cracked wall provided plenty of purchase for climbing.

When I reached the second story window I was pleasantly surprised to find it unlocked, I really shouldn’t have been surprised though. This place didn’t exactly look like it was worth burgling. Not needing to pick the lock, I simply forced the window up and clambered through, laying eyes on the interior of a White Tail house for the first time.

The inside what shockingly different, to the point of it being rather jarring. Whilst the exterior attempted to portray a sort of villa style look, with white walls and red tiled roofs, the interior was more akin to that of a medieval cottage, with wooden floors and timbers holding up the roof. Apparently the marble exterior was supposed to give of an air of wealth whilst the interior retained the quaint comfort of the country lifestyle. It seemed a lot of effort to go to just to look impressive to tourists.

Vanity thy name is ponies.

I appear to have broken into Swirling Runes bedroom, if the neatly made bed and the wardrobes were anything to go by. A thick layer of dust covered the room, as if it hadn’t been disturbed in some time, causing my hooves to leave distinctive marks with every step I took. I wonder if Runes is the type of pony to keep evidence of her misdoings in her bedroom but it seems a bit unlikely. I don’t think anyone actually does that. A quick search was all it took to prove me right. All I found was some dress saddles, books on magical theory and some rather tatty magazines with pictures of stallions posing on the front which, now that I think about it, could well have been the pony equivalent of porn.

Leaving the bedroom behind for the moment, I continued my investigation downstairs, the cottage-style interior continuing with a homely living room. I nearly lost my balance as the rug, a horrid green thing that was probably bought by someone’s grandma as a gift, tried to slip out from under me. I only managed to stay upright by grabbing hold of a nearby table that was covered in various statues of cats. Overall the entire place looked like it belonged to a little old lady, possibly a kindly grandmother. Some people are just born to be old and evidently Swirling Runes was one of them. I’ve never been a big fan of old people, I don’t hate them or anything it’s just that they creep me out a bit. Looking at them is like looking into your own future, you can’t help but wonder if you are going to end up like that. Unable to walk fully or dance or sing.

I hate being reminded of my own mortality.

There did appear to be a few things out of place under close inspection. One of the tables, one of the few not covered in various statues, was straining under the weight of the pile of unopened mail on top of it. I understand that sometimes people don’t want to answer a letter but that’s a bit ridiculous. In addition, the cobwebs in the rafters were far larger than any self-respecting granny would ever allow them to be. Cobwebs of a certain size were fine, and could often add a hint of mystery to a room, but those webs looked like something out of a fantasy movie. Any moment now a giant spider would descend and display its horrible mandibles.

I waited a few seconds.
…
Then waited a few more.

The complete lack of giant spider was rather disappointing actually, I went through all the trouble of building up tension and this world refuses to comply with my sense of theatrics. Enough messing about, the hunt continues. The unread mail, combined with the fact that such large webs were allowed to grow, not to mention the amount of dust I’ve inhaled so far, indicates that this house hasn’t been properly lived in for some time. Yet that mare in the street seemed adamant that this was the home of Swirling Runes, who was always seen strutting around town. So where exactly is Swirling Runes?

I got my answer a few seconds later when I heard the door creaking open.

I had to act fast, I only had a few seconds before whoever was at the door would enter and catch me in the act. Remembering the newfound power of my goat legs I decided to put them to some use. I crouched down to build up as much tension as possible in my legs before releasing it all in an explosion of muscle that sent my flying upwards. My arms flailed out and managed to find purchase on one of the dusty rafters, my legs swinging to the side to hook around the rafter before pulling the rest of my body up. I held on tight to the beam of wood and tried hard not to sneeze from all the dust. In my experience people, and I hope this applies to ponies as well, very rarely check what is above them, being far too concerned with what is going on in front of them.

From my position concealed above I got a good view of the figure that entered the room. It was the same human from earlier and I, as a gentleman, tried my hardest not to use my elevated position to stare down her top. I like to think that I succeeded in this, though I’m deluding myself slightly. I’m sure that any other reasonable human being would do the same if they got such a great angle of a beautiful woman…or man depending on their preferences and gender.

The beauty below me paused by one of the few empty tables and began to do something very unusual. She began to glow, a light blue that emanated from inside of her, before slowly dissolving into light and disappearing entirely. In her place was a pale peach unicorn mare with a turquoise blue mane. I was far from being an expert on the pony form but she looked to be slightly pudgier than most of the other ponies I had seen around town. Held in a magical grip in front of her was a bronze necklace, which would have been a fairly plain looking piece of jewelry if it wasn’t for the shining bright sapphire set into the front of it. The mare gently placed the necklace on a table before going over to a bookshelf set against one wall, presumably to pick out a piece of reading material.

So I was a bit surprised when, instead of choosing a light novel to read, she surrounded the entire bookcase in a magical field and lifted it to one side, revealing a door that had been hidden behind it. The doorknob was encompassed in a light blue glow, the same colour as the unicorns mane, and the door was slowly opened to display a staircase leading downwards into darkness. The mare made her way down the stairs, horn still glowing, before shutting the door behind her and leaving me alone in the room.

I couldn’t believe it. Honestly, I had seen some weird stuff in the last few days but this really took the cake. I never thought I would see something this unusual.

A door hidden behind a bookcase. How cliché is that?

Still despite how horribly that made me feel like I was in an episode of Scooby Doo, I couldn’t help but notice that the mare had left her magic necklace behind. Within easy stealing reach of a certain handsome satyr. I slowly lowered myself down from my hiding place before letting go, the sound of my hooves hitting the floor muffled by the thick rug. I crept carefully over to the object of my desire, carefully not to make a sound or bump any of the statue-laden tables. Reaching down, I grasped the bronze necklace and lifted it up for closer inspection. The necklace itself appeared to be very shoddily made, bits of it had clearly been left too long in the smelting process. It was the centrepiece of the necklace that really captured my attention. A bright blue sapphire, as big as my fist, and glowing gently with a internal light that caught the eye and refused to let it go. When I lifted it to my ear I could hear a quiet humming noise, like electrical energy running through a circuit. Clearly this object was the source of the town's troubles, it was practically my civic duty to make sure this thing couldn’t be misused any more.

And if that involves me stealing this beautiful sapphire then that is a sacrifice that I’m willing to make.

Necklace still clutched in my hand, I made my way for the door. Intent on getting out before anything went wrong, in fact this might well be the smoothest heist I’ve ever pulled. I got in, I got the target, I got out. Simplicity itself.

Of course, it was almost as if merely thinking such optimistic thoughts would cause Murphy’s Law to kick in. The moment I crossed the threshold of the house on my way out the necklace in my hand flashed, strange emerald fire spewing out from the sapphire in a pulse of green light. I froze, staring at the object in my hand that had just betrayed me. I don’t know exactly what it did but I knew that it couldn’t be good.

“Well, what do we have here?” A sickly sweet voice said from behind me.

I should really stop trying to rob villains. It never seems to work out very well.

Comments

[Lanafilly]

i like it so far, and i hope to see more, also.. could you possibly make it longer? if you don't mind that is.. >.<

Edit (more indepth review): I like the way the story-line is heading in this direction and i really enjoy the humor of our goat legged friend.

the parts I don't like are the chapter length and the way things seemed to be slightly rushed, if you could slow things a tad bit then I feel you would benefit greatly in your writing.

[Deus]

Hee Hee Heee! Awesomesauce. This was a brilliant chapter, totally looking forward to what happens next

[Nethaufer]

Uh oh. Someone's in trouble!

[Glassed]

That’s boring! Can’t I just blow something up instead and call it a day?

When in doubt, go the Michael Bay-approach. Always works.
-Glassed

[Thunderscratch]

You always want to rob the heros. They can't kill you. Villians can!

[WOWtrooper]

i781.photobucket.com/albums/yy93/GameSultan/Gifs/GunBeGood.gif

[Levoanp]

I like how this chapter sounds like a detective novel dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png

[Firedon]

You know the oyster I mean. The purple oyster of Doom?

[JakeDrake]

Stealing from evil doers. Or people you think are evil. Good luck with that goat boy.

[Kitsuneisuki]

1181765 Goat Boy, such a descriptive term, and yet, very hideous in description.

Anyway... Stealing. From villains. (WTF?!) I have no comment. (NO COMMENT MY ASS, THAT'S BRILLIANT!)

[Themaskedferret]

1180985 *nods* I'm inclined to agree though you're far more articulate than I'd managed thus far. This chapter especially feels rather rushed and don't get me wrong I love cliffhangers but it sorta feel s like it was rushed simply so you could end on that cliffhanger.

Please don't be mad just constructive criticism i swear

[StatusQo]

Ace your gona get raped.

[SteampunkBrony]

if it was me i would have just jumped back up into the rafters and waited for her to run outside looking for it, then taken the second floor out.

but that's just me.

[Enmar]

Gadzooks!

[Discorded Q]

Is Ace gunna get it in his hole?

...

I am deeply and truly sorry.

[DavidPony]

well thats a bad sign.....
[img] http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/7/26/128931437795544604.jpg [/img]

[Branden Hew Troy]

"I feel that not all my reasons may be relevant."you should have made it "relephant."

[Scarves]

1185473
But that would have made it overly punny.
Not to mention the pun-ch line.
Now excuse me but I have some elephants to teach the jump rope to.

[Sage Quill]

God speed you magnificent son of a bitch!
Truly, every day you update, my day gets immediately better.

[revilO]

And now we play the waiting game.

[Sage Quill]

Also in all your action scenes I can't help but play ace of spades by Motörhead for background music.

[Tome Turner]

1182795 *you're.

[Glassed]

Gratz on the canon
-Glassed

[Tay the Chemist]

1181136 I noticed that as well, then I realized two things: One, he had a full lifetime of exceptionally good luck, two, his role as Lady Luck's Chess Piece involves spreading good luck to others, which so far manifests as him being placed in positions of bad luck, so he can fix things, and create good luck.

[Magical Trevor]

Ro-no! Rutt row, Raggy?

Like, I'll tell ya what we're gonna do, man! RUUUUUUUUUUN!

*Cue Scooby-Doo Epic chase scene music stuffs*

[Fancy Fox]

1200797
Nananananananananananana
Batman!
...
Wait no that's wrong

[Subatomic Seal]

CONFRONTATION!

[The Watcher 509]

I Can't Help But Think Of This Song When Something Happens Epic Happens In This Awesome Story

[The Watcher 509]

2375399

DUN

DUN

DUUUUUNNN

[Ruby Rose]

2400696 cAPTAIN cAPITAL! aT lAST, wE mEET aGAIN!

[scranity]

I was far from being an expert on the pony form but she looked to be slightly pudgier than most of the other ponies I had seen around town.

I guess why she has to use the amulet is because she has a fat chance of getting boys otherwise.

[Thethhron]

"Four, I used up all my dynamite blowing up the Diamond Dog cave."

This one. This one isn't relevant

[Greenfang Neverclear]

2613360 GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[adaniels156]

elephants are the only mammals that can’t jump

whales? (if you don't count launching out of the water a bit)

[fireballbrony]

Okay, so they might be a bit wimpy but they are really big on the social niceties. Really polite folk.
It would probably be quite easy to exploit that. I’ll keep that in mind.

Absolutely Beautiful Ace, i cant believe i actually facepalmed at that.

[Bronzer]

It would probably be quite easy to exploit that. I’ll keep that in mind.

It's good to see your human mentality is still firmly in place.

it was practically my civic duty to make sure this thing couldn’t be misused any more.

Actually, you were there just to find out how she was doing it. She isn't actually doing anything illegal or wrong.

[Rainbowblitz]

That’s boring! Can’t I just blow something up instead and call it a day?

I love the smell of burning rainforest in the afternoon

[Gizmo Gear]

4770123 Doing it with napalm? Or just using ye boring flint n steel technique??

[BronyKat]

4770123
Vietnam?

[Black--Soul]

This neckless would be a amazing tool to help Changelings to gather emotional energy.