Selling Dreams
Edited by:
Blazinblade7
PieisGood4U
The butler was kind enough to escort us through the labyrinth of corridors that was the interior of Margin’s mansion. I say he escorted us,what he actually did was trot ahead of us at a speed that can only be described as contemptuously swift and we had to hurry on behind him lest we get lost for all eternity.
‘Look at me!’ I hear him think. ‘Look how fast I can move with four legs. What’s that? You only have two legs? Aw too bad, try to keep up though. I would just hate for you poor destitutes to get lost in this ENORMOUS FUCKING MANSION!’
I don’t like this butler. At all.
Still, I wasn’t too worried about getting lost in a labyrinth. After all, I’ve got Iron Will standing right next to me. What is there to be afraid of in a labyrinth if you’re friends with the minotaur?
You might be afraid of the minotaur getting hungry I guess.
Oh yeah...there’s that. Do minotaurs eat meat in Equestria? I know that they were supposed to be man eaters in mythology, but then this world isn’t exactly mythologically accurate. Probably because it is a cartoon world for little girls. Wait...does that mean I am part of a cartoon for little girls? I hope not, I would be a terrible role model to follow. Worse than Bank Robber Barbie to be honest. My existential pontification was interrupted by a haughty cough from the butler, followed by his snooty voice cutting into my ears.
“We have arrived. The master is ready for you in his study.” He was looking straight at me as he said this, his eyes full of contempt.
How the hell do butlers get away with being so disrespectful? I must learn their secrets.
I pushed my glasses up my nose and stared down through them at the posh stallion, my greater height allowing me to increase the power of my hipster glare.
“I don’t believe we will require your services any further. Your master will most likely want this business to be over with as swiftly as possible.”
Ha! Take that you pompous prick.
“With all due respect Mister...” He paused.
“Actus Reus, I am Lord Will’s personal lawyer.”
“Well, Mister Reus, I believe it is up to Master Margin to decide whether or not he requires my services.”
Oh he’s good.
The butler gave a small smirk before swinging open the doors he was stood in front of, revealing the luxurious splendour of Margin’s study. It was almost an identical replica to the office I had broken into last night, except for the fact that this one didn’t have broken statues littering the floor. Sitting in a large faux-leather chair was the stallion himself, Profit Margin. Hovering next to the small stallion was the nervous wreck that was often referred to as Pencil Pusher. The jittery accountant looked about ready to commit ritual suicide is he were ordered to by his boss.
“Ah, my Lord Iron Will! How good to see you again.” Margin announced joyously, in one of his hooves he held a glass of wine and, judging by the half empty bottle next to him, must have been drinking for a while now.
“Mister Margin.” Iron replied, emphasizing Margin’s lack of a title. “I do not appreciate having to do business with drunkards.”
“Now now, Iron.” Margin responded, pouring another glass and offering it to Iron. “This is a good day for both of us, we have many reasons to celebrate. I have recently solved a small...problem in my company and you are about to become a very rich minotaur.”
“And you are about to get a noble title of course.” Iron said, taking the wine glass and sipping from it demurely. Considering the amount of alcohol he ingested last night, that weak wine probably won’t even bother him slightly. Margin, on the other hand, wasn’t handling his drink so very well.
“Of course. Speaking of which, I would like you to meet my accountant and lawyer, Pencil Pusher.” He waved a hoof at the accountant, who was staring at me with a confused look plastered across his face.
“Do I know you from somewhere?” He questioned me.
Oh shit! How does he know?
“I’ve been told that I have a very familiar face. I’m always getting mistakes for others.”
“Is that so?” Margin said, looking at me suspiciously. Evidently he wasn’t so drunk that he could be made a fool of.
“Yes, among my people that is.”
“And who, exactly, would your people be?”
Think fast! Think fast!
“Satyrs, we live down south near the Minotaur lands, and we like it there. I think I may well be the first one of my kind to enter Equestria.” Margin seemed to mull this over for a moment before accepting it and nodding.
“Very well then, back to business I think. Pencil, if you would be so kind.” Margin said, causing the accountant to scurry off, returning with a piece of paper clamped between his teeth. After placing it gently down on the table he looked over at Margin, receiving a small nod in response.
Good boy. Fetch my legal documentation. Now sit. Stay. Play dead.
Iron nodded to me and I, like the dutiful servant I was meant to be, walked over and picked up the paper. Written in a large elegant script on the page were the words:
Kingdom of Equestria.
City of Maneapolis.
This legal document is authorized by the Court of Maneapolis, by the power vested in them by the Princesses of the Sun and the Moon. Crimes such as forgery of such a document can and will be seen as direct treason against the Royal Family and will be punished as such.
Then the writing changed drastically, from the neat curled writing of an officious document to the disorderly writing of the undoubtedly nervous Pencil Pusher.
This is a legal and binding document, presenting the permanent transaction between the two parties involved. The minotaur, Lord Iron Will, does agree to hand over all land and titles to the Earth Pony Profit Margin in return for the sum of 30,000 bits.
Well, Pencil Pusher may be a pathetic spineless excuse for a pony, but he sure as hell can make a legal document get straight to the point. Got to admire him for that at least. Though I believe that we may have a slight problem here.
“30,000 bits?” I asked, causing Iron will to raise an eyebrow at Margin.
“It’s a fair deal.” The earth pony responded. “Considering your position.”
“My position?” Iron said, keeping a level tone. “Positions, like fortunes, can change. Now this is a limited time only offer, if you don’t want this title then I’m sure that I could offer it to some noble wanting to expand his territory.”
“You honestly think that an Equestrian noble would want a foreign title?” Margin responded.
“Maybe not the title, but I’m sure they would love to be able to get their hooves on any remaining minerals in my lands. I understand that Equestrian nobility have a particular fondness for valenite? That shiny little rock that isn’t good for anything except looking pretty? Who’s to say how much of that is on my property.”
“Can you confirm the presence of valenite?” Pencil butted in, drawing an irate glare from his employer.
“You clearly don’t know much about the ‘Volcanic wastes’ as you call them. The area is prone to tremors, which have a tendency to sift about mineral deposits. One day you might be sitting on the largest chunk of diamond you’ve ever seen, the next day and earthquake comes along and your enemy is using said diamond to bash your head in.”
“Oh really now?” Margin was intrigued now.
“Aye, it can be quite a cutthroat world down there. You’ve got to be prepared to take advantage of any opportunity that comes your way. You think you can do that?”
“I think I could do quite well for myself. I have a specialty in taking advantage of a situation.”
I bet you do you slave trading bastard.
“I know how much you want this deal to go ahead, but it’s going to take a lot more to buy this title off of me. At least 600,000 bits.” Iron said, causing Pencil to start spluttering in indignation. Even Margin looked a bit shocked at that proposition.
“You can’t be serious.” Margin said.
“Oh but I am. That’s my price and I’m not going any lower.” Iron said, his expression set in stone and his eyes adamant with determination.
“That’s a ridiculous price!” The business stallion exclaimed.
“Yet you will still pay it.”
“Are you mad?! There is no way that I’ll pay that!”
“Yes you will. You know why? You don’t just want this title...you need it. You can’t stand the lack of respect you get for not being a noble and I don’t think you can take it anymore. You’re going to buy this title off me, and you’re going to do it for 600,000 bits.”
For the longest time, Margin was silent. He simply stared at Iron, his expression blank and his eyes cold. Pencil Pusher just stood there, gaping at the minotaur who had dared to defy his employer. To be honest I was pretty shocked as well. Iron had some serious balls on him. We were pushing Margin a lot here, hoping that he would break and take the deal. A gamble really, but a necessary one. Still, if there is one thing that people will always buy, no matter what race they are, it is their hopes and dreams. People go around announcing their dreams to the world, not realising how vulnerable they make themselves to people like me. People who will sell you your dreams, at least for a while.
Margin stared at Iron. Iron stared at Margin. Pencil stared at them staring. I just generally stared. Somewhere in the background, the butler may have decided to stare as well, but I wasn’t really paying any attention to him. In general, staring was done that day.
Finally, Margin spoke up. “I accept.”
“But sir!” Pencil piped in. “Such an amount would empty our coffers!”
“I said I accept.” Margin said, turning his death glare on his assistant. “I don’t like repeating myself.”
“Y-yes sir!” Pencil shot off, followed by the butler, presumably to retrieve our money.
We sat there in stony silence, each side pointedly ignoring the other whilst sipping on fine wine. It was quite possibly one of the more awkward situations I’ve ever been in, surpassed only by that one time when I decided a muffin catapult was a brilliant idea. The actual catapult wasn’t that awkward, that was actually pretty awesome. What was awkward was the telling off I received when one of my high velocity baked projectiles smashed through the window of a retirement home. I don’t know why everyone was so angry though, surely old people like muffins too...
Such humble beginnings, and now here I am stealing a lot of money from a corrupt sentient pony. Overall, I think I’ve gone up in the world. Sideways in the world at the very least.
Eventually, Pencil and the butler returned, straining under the weight of four bulging bags. Pencil looked about ready to collapse from the load, whilst the greatest effect it seemed to have on the butler was that his composure was a bit strained. They struggled across the room and piled the bags up into a heap in between the Iron and Margin, sighing in relief as they were relieved of the weight.
“It’s...all here.” Pencil panted. “600,000 bits.”
“Well?” Margin addressed Iron, waving a hoof at the document between them.
Iron simply nodded and leaned forward, picking up a quill from the table and dipping it into the inkpot. He signed his name upon the document in a flowery script, the neat writing looking completely out of place with the meaty hands that made it. Margin looked down with satisfaction upon the signed agreement before adding his own signature to the bottom.
“The deal is done. If you would be so kind as to take your money and depart my property now, I grow tired of your dull visages blocking my noble view.” Margin announced, already throwing about his new status. Might as well as let him enjoy it, it wouldn’t last for very long.
Iron and I walked over to the bags of gold and hefted them up, Iron grabbing three of them whilst I struggled to haul one on to my shoulders. If Margin found it suspicious that a noble born minotaur would lift up his own money in an impressive display of manual labour then he didn’t comment upon it. He was probably too caught up in the excitement of being Lord Margin.
Leaving Margin to his delusions, Iron and I swiftly left the mansion. The gold was heavy upon our backs and our willpower was strained just stopping ourselves from grinning in glee.
The best thing about selling dreams? You can pretty much demand any price you want and never have to deliver with an actual product. It is a business model without peer.
“How’d everything go on your end?” I asked Summer once we had returned to the All Bar One.
“Great, I managed to get rid of most of the gold, several dozen charities are now much richer thanks to an anonymous donations. Not only that though, you’ll like this next part.” I raised an eyebrow at her. “I found where Princess Luna is staying in the city, we could hand over this gold to her tonight and get it off our hands.” I noticed that she was eyeing the stacks of gold suspiciously.
“What’s up Summer?”
“That money...I don’t like where it has come from. I want to get it out and have nothing more to do with it.” She replied honestly. Iron nodded at this.
My companions moral compass’ seem determined to ensure that we earn nothing from this.
“So...if I were to, say, keep a bit of the gold for personal use?” I suggested.
“I would blast you through a window.” She said firmly.
“Oh...” I sighed.
“This gold is best given to those in need.” Iron said, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Yes! Like us! We’re in need. In need of some gold to buy stuff with. Wouldn’t it be nice to have one of those fancy airships? Or even just a simple wagon? Just something to travel in so that we don’t have to walk everywhere?”
“If we are going to buy anything then we are going to do it with money earned through honest work.” Iron said, the comforting hand on my shoulder clamping down painfully. He certainly knows how to get his point across.
“Besides, wouldn’t you feel much better about giving it away to those who truly need it?” Summer asked, looking up at me with puppy dog eyes.
That’s not going to work on me. I know how evil you can be when we do training.
She continued to stare, her eyes trembling slightly. I felt my resolve weakening at the sight of it.
“Fine! Damn it all! Fine, we’ll give ALL of the money away. But when we are poor and destitute, begging for money in an alleyway, don’t come crying to me. Though, to be honest, I’ll probably be right there begging next to you.”
My friends gave me warm smiles at this. Alright so the money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s nice. It’s nice to be able to buy your next meal and not feel like you’re breaking your pitiable bank whilst doing it.
“Alright then.” I said with a sigh. “Summer, show us where Princess Loony is staying.”
Summer even had the good grace not to look offended as I insulted her sovereign.
“That...is one secure looking building.”
It was true. The hotel that Summer had guided us to was swarming with Royal Guards, some of them were patrolling whilst others were holding back the mob of paparazzi that littered the front steps of the hotel. Luckily, I had a plan.
Not a great one, but definitely a plan.
Whilst the building that the Princess was housed in was tightly locked up, the ones next door weren’t. This meant it had been almost ridiculously easy for me, Iron and Summer to break onto one of them, bringing all our remaining gold with us. When I told the others of my plan they were naturally sceptical.
“So let me get this straight.” Iron said. “You want me to throw you?”
“Correct.” I replied.
“From this roof to the balcony where the Princess is staying?”
“Also correct.”
“And have Summer use her magic to guide you whilst in flight?”
“Precisely.”
“And you just hope that none of the highly trained guards below will spot you?”
“Exactly.”
“At which point you will break into the bedchamber of one of the most powerful beings in the world.”
“Well...”
“And tell her that you just finished robbing one of her subjects.”
“Okay, it’s going to sound bad when you say it like that!”
“That’s because it is bad!” Summer butted in. “It is a terrible, dangerous plan.”
“...but we’re going to do it anyways aren't we?” I asked.
Iron and Summer shared a glance before looking back at me.
“Yeah, probably.” Summer admitted. “It seems the quickest way to see the Princess.”
“Plus, I actually want to see if I can throw you across that gap.” Iron said, stretching his arms in preparation.
I took a couple of steps back away from the edge to give myself a running start whilst Iron hunkered down and cupped his hands together, his muscles bunching in preparation for the throw. Summer lit up her horn and surrounded my body in a corona of light. Her telekinesis wasn’t doing anything at the moment but, the moment I got airborne, it would be her job to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid like crash into the balcony I was aiming to land on.
“You ready?” Iron asked as I turned to face him and assumed a runner’s start position.
“As I’ll ever be.” I muttered, before taking off sprinting directly at him.
Just as it seemed like I was about to collide with him I leapt up and placed my right hoof in his cupped hands. Immediately his muscles exploded upwards, the combined moment of my sprint and his throw sending me hurtling away from the building. I felt a slight tingling cover my skin as Summer began to guide my flight. I looked down, observing the crowd below me, the flashing lights of camera and the glinting of armour on the Royal Guards.
It was very beautiful, in a serene sort of way. So this is what it is like to fly.
Then I hit the balcony.
Any thoughts of the beauty of flight immediately left me, along with what breath I had been holding in my lungs. My hands shot out and hooked around the balcony, stopping any possible descent that might have occurred. I felt the tingling increase as Summer began to try and haul my body up, assisted by my arms, which were hauling for all they were worth. Once I was safely on the balcony I looked irately over at the sheepish looking Summer.
“In my defence.” She called out. “You are surprisingly heavy.”
Summer, we will be having words later.
Shaking my head I turned around and looked at the latch holding the window shut. Time to break into the sleeping chambers of the Princess of the Night. A being who was, to all intents and purposes, a living god.
Brilliant plan Ace. Just brilliant.
To those of you who are wondering about the name Actus Reus, it is a legal term meaning the guilty act. For example, the Actus Reus in this case would be the act of stealing the gold. The Mens rea (Guilty mind) would be the motivation behind it, i.e. really liking gold and disliking slave traders.
I hope you found this lesson on legal terminology exciting and educational. I also hope it explains just how clever I was trying to be by using the name Actus Reus.
Likes to pretend he is smart like all the cool kids,
Barrel-of-fun
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Okay that was bucking brilliant!
"Then I hit the balcony."
I thought Summer was supposed to-
"Once I was safely on the balcony I looked irately over at the sheepish looking Summer.
'In my defence.' She called out. 'You are surprisingly heavy.'"
...
It was a short, but good chapter.
Oh this should go very well...
Thing is, it's not boasting if you can back it up. Pretending you're smart is much the same.
Just letting you know, so you didn't think it went to waste, you know. I'm a smart kid, and I got your legal-ese pun, I laughed as well, so you're safe
I'll admit... I completely lost it when you called yourself Actus Reus. XD
another great chapter
wait you mean Mister Reus wasn't supposed to sound like mysterious?
I actually did a fist pump when I saw this had updated, I never do fist pumps, I dont know what came over me! I guess you're just that good
1555628
My god...I can't believe I didn't see that.
Would you believe me if I said that it was entirely intentional and I'm a genius?
No? Can't blame you really.
hehehe... cleever giirl...
1555638
well anyone who can write something this good has to be some sort of genius
1555647
Aw thanks, you're too kind
Learned something new today (check)
Watched with glee as the silver tongued Ace is talked out of keeping any gold (check)
Waiting in anticipation to see how Ace-lance hurts himself in this crazy scheme to see the Princess (big ol' fuzzy-felt check)
You slimy bastard you!
Great moves Ace!
Cool, that's my required learning for the week.
good use of legal shizzle..
keep up the awesome work
Everypony, hooves in the air! This is a give out!.
Breaking in to the royal bedchambers, after robbing someone, after escaping from prison, which you were put in for drunkenly assaulting the very princess who's room you're trying to break into? I think the reason Ace was too heavy for Summer to lift was because of his MASSIVE CAJONES.
dayum...Ace got BALLS!
... Oh god. I want another chapter already. Barrel, you are turning me into some sort of literature fiend.
Hahahaaaha! Oh man I can't wait to see Luna's reaction to Ace when he's not drunk. Wait is there really any difference?
I love this fic :D
its hilarious
:D
This has been learning terms for legal situations with Barrel-of-fun. Please join us next time as we teach you how to say Guilty and Innocent in Latin to a Judge who cares about nothing except justice.
Also, it is a pun. When he says Mister Reus it also means 'Mysterious' meaning something isn't right about the act that Ace and Iron Will carried out.
1557814 ALL OF THE CAJONES... ALL OF THEM.
Seems like there's a see of stares (sorry scratiny)
As an Attorney, I approve of this chapter.
1557814 agreed!!
3249319 HA! Punny!
That was brilliant
Iron Will milked him dry and with Ace robbing the safe and destroying his property... Magnificent chapter 
Lets hope Luna isnt going to rip Ace a new one... 
He is to smug for his own good 