Of Gold and Gargle Blasters
Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
Finding Iron and Summer was easy, possibly the easiest thing I had done all night. This was partly due to the difficulty of the majority of my activities but it was also a matter a preparation, by which I mean that we had arranged a meeting point beforehand.
So I can occasionally arrange things in advance instead of winging it. This surprises people...for some reason.
We had arranged to meet at the All Bar One, providing that everything went well and none of us got caught or horribly murdered by a corrupt power mad business pony. I walked into the bar as nonchalantly as possible, glad to note that tonight’s fight had already gone ahead without me. Judging by the mount of bruised and unconscious ponies littering about the place it had been a fairly big one tonight as well. Though I don’t think any royals took part this time.
The stallion at the bar was writing something on a chalkboard. It looked like ‘It has been [1] hour since we last had a fight’.
I was pleased to note that Summer and Iron had survived whatever chaos had gone on earlier and were seated at a table in the corner. Iron was downing a huge pint of something that looked to be lethally strong whilst Summer drank, almost demurely, from a small wine glass. How did she get hold of a wine glass? Does this place even serve wine?
I guess for Summer it does.
“Geez, you guys can’t go five minutes without me before you end up resorting to drink to drown your sorrows. Are you truly that dependant on my wittiness and charm?”
“Shove off Ace.” Iron grunted between chugs. “I’m going to keep drinking until I forget what I had to dress up like today...oh sweet Celestia I just reminded myself.” He brought the ale to his mouth and began to empty the mug.
“Is he going to be okay?” I asked Summer, who merely raised an eyebrow at the behaviour of the alcoholic minotaur.
“Yeah he’ll be fine, minotaurs are notoriously difficult to get drunk. They usually have to resort to a special brew made from ingredients that would be poisonous to most species. Apparently our strongest ale is little more than water to them.” She replied.
Huh, I may be able to use this to my advantage.
“Well, you’ll be glad to know that I pulled it off. Profit Margin is now significantly poorer whilst we are much richer. I need your help to collect the money though, it’s really quite heavy.” Summer nodded at this and got up from her seat. Iron, however, merely snorted and looked at me.
“Today you have made me dress up in the single most embarrassing costume ever. Then you had me go into the house of a criminal sociopath to try and convince him that I, who has never even been near a member of nobility, that I was a Lord. Minotaurs don’t even have nobility! I am tired and I want to get drunk. Frankly Ace, having anything more to do with your plans might well kill me.”
“Well...how about a deal then. You help me collect the money and I show you the strongest drink I have ever seen. Guaranteed to get you drunk or, at the very least, kill you. What do you say?” I said, grinning at him.
“...Guaranteed?” He said curiously.
“100% surefire out-of-you-head pissed.” I replied, offering him my hand. He looked between it and his ale for a moment before grabbing it and hauling himself up from his seat.
“A’ight, I was bored of drinking this weak piss anyways.” He said, loudly enough to draw a glare from the bartender.
We left the inn and I led them back towards the offices of the Company, hoping to all that is holy that some random bum hadn’t wandered into the alleyway and discovered all my hard stolen gold by throwing up over it. Not that I have anything against the homeless receiving gold of course, it’s just that that would mess up my plans slightly.
Thankfully when we arrived we found an alleyway empty of potential homeless inconveniences. However, the alleyway also appeared to be devoid of any precious gold. I had expected this though.
“I’m fairly sure that the gold is here, just look for a symbol scratched on the wall.” My two companions looked at me oddly before shrugging and beginning their search.
It did not take us long to find the gold. Well, actually it didn’t take me long to find the gold, by which I mean I tripped over it and slammed headfirst into the floor. As I was picking myself up and bemoaning the fate of my modelling career, my friends rushed over.
“Did you find it?” Summer asked excitedly.
Yeah, don’t worry about my health at all.
“I think so.” I replied. “Can anyone see what tripped me up?”
We all stared hard at the spot, managing to make out a fuzzy outline of something that our brains told us should not be there. Iron reached forward, his beefy hand grabbing nothingness and ripping it away, revealing the bunched up curtains and tons of gold hidden underneath. As we admired my loot I felt the need to inform my comrades of something dear to my heart.
“Guys, I’m going to tell you something I have never quite managed to put into words.” Summer and Iron looked at me, curious about my emotional tone. “I really really like stealing. I like the risk. I like the reward. But most of all, I like how damn good at it I am.”
Iron and Summer seemed to consider this for a moment before they nodded at me in understanding. They might not be thieves but they know what it is like to be good at something and enjoy doing it. Hell, if I was a pony my Cutie Mark would probably be crime related.
Good thing I didn’t get turned into a pony really. It would be hard to get people to trust me if I had a big warning sign tattooed on my butt.
“Well, let’s get this back to the bar. You reckon we could get a room there? Preferably one with a really good lock?” I was a bit worried about the safety of my new fortune. It would be the height of irony for someone to rob me of the stolen gold that I am planning to give away.
“Ace, with the amount of gold here we could probably just buy the bar.” Iron replied.
“Wow, nice. We won’t be doing that though. No matter how tempting it would be to buy my own bar...or a ship...or maybe even an airship. You reckon we could get an airship with this much?”
“I reckon we might very well be able to get a fleet. So what will we be doing with this then?”
“Giving it away mostly. It’s not like we can just waltz out of the city with enough gold to outfit a private army. We’ll be taking a modest amount and then giving the rest away to as many charities as we can. Summer, that’s your job. Tomorrow I want you to go round and split all this up amongst as many charities, orphanages and places of good will as you can. The more it is split the better really, makes it harder to track. As for the rest that we will get, I’ll just give it to the Princess and hope that she can shift it all. She probably can, she’s a freakin’ Princess. There has to be some advantages to that.”
“Feeling altruistic today Ace?” She asked.
“Yeah, I’m a regular messiah alright. If you can make sure you get some to charities specializing in ponies who have suffered through slavery, as well as any groups dedicated to ending slavery. I should probably show you something as well. My reason for being so generous.”
I took a seat upon the gold and took off my hat, reaching inside to draw out the sheaf of papers I had hidden there earlier. I handed them over to Summer, who floated them in a telekinetic grip and began to swiftly scan the page. She evidently understood what she was looking at as her eyes began to widen, before narrowing in fury. Her legs began to tremble in suppressed rage and sparks of wild electricity ran up her horn. I could see that she was only just restraining herself from blasting the offending piece of paper apart as she passed it on to Iron, who had observed her reaction and began to read the manifest as well. Upon finishing he had a similar reaction. Muscles bunched up in his biceps and he snorted, stamping his hoof on the ground once and cracking the cobblestone beneath him.
“Careful with that manifest guys, it’s our only evidence for putting Profit away for a long time. I have no intention of letting him slip away simply from lack of evidence. That little slip of paper, combined with us relieving him of his wealth, means that he won’t be able to bribe or lie his way out of this one.”
My words seemed to calm them somewhat as Summer reigned in her magic and Iron let out a long, slow breath. He handed the manifest back to me, his gaze never leaving it as I put it back into my hat. I stood up from my golden throne and put my hat back on my head, sweeping one arm to encompass the fortune I had just been sitting on.
“Let’s get this moved shall we?”
Iron and summer nodded, determined looks on their faces. Iron grabbed one of the curtains and swept it up, trapping a large portion of the gold inside as the huge minotaur swept it onto his back. He grunted slightly under the wealth of it but carried on regardless. Summer formed a telekinetic grip around the other curtain, levitating it up to hover next to her. The weight of the gold inside strained her abilities slightly but she simply pushed through the difficulty. Noticing that they had managed to lift up all of the gold, I simply shrugged, swept my coat up onto my back and followed them back to the inn.
We got some suspicious looks from the patrons and bar staff when we entered, Iron and Summer carrying lavish curtains filled with something bulky looking. My companions sent a glare around the room and, one by one, the ponies all went back to their distractions, looking anywhere other than at the three of us.
“We’re going to need a room.” Iron announced to the bar pony.
The stallion looked us up and down, distinctly unimpressed by our motley unusuality. He continued to wipe a glass with a rag as he chewed something in his mouth, considering Iron’s proposal before declaring his reply.
“I reckon I could set you up...for a price o’ course.” He replied, in a tone that managed to convey just how little he cared about anything in the world.
I think that this stallion has seen some things in his life. Things that have left him a mentally scared wreck of a pony.
“A large price.” He added.
Nope, my bad. They just left him as a dick.
“How much?” Iron Will said as he stepped up to the counter, setting down his load and leaning upon the wood.
“100 bits, no questions asked.” The bar stallion replied, leaning forward to match Iron Will’s stance.
“50 bits, no questions and some food in the morning.” Iron counter-offered.
“80 bits, no questions and you’ll get stew.”
“60 bits, no questions and we’ll take some bread with that.”
“70 bits. no questions and I suppose I could get you some but it won’t be fresh.”
“65 bits, no questions and that’s fine thank you very much.”
“65 bits, pleasure doing business with you.”
Throughout this entire exchange mine and Summer’s heads had been jumping back and forth between the two barterers. Our eyes were narrowed and I felt a bit of an adrenaline rush starting up. It was like watching two of the world's finest duellists going head to head in an a no-holds-barred battle to the death. Exhilarating to say the least.
Iron paid the stallion and we were swiftly led to a room, the patrons choosing to completely ignore us now that we had paid for rooms. Forget enchanted coats, it’s money in the right places that really makes you invisible.
The room we were assigned was pretty far from first rate. In fact it was about as far from first rate as it is possible to be. If a highway motel had an affair with a rubbish bin then this room would be their lovechild. It was made of wood, of course, but lacked the care that the rest of the inn received. Although the rest of the inn probably only looked quite new most of the time because the majority of it had to be replaced every other day. At least this room didn’t look like someone had tried to get into a fist fight with Thor, which is more than can be said for the main room most of the time.
“Enjoy ‘ya stay.” The stallion grumbled, before leaving and slamming the door behind himself.
“Alright, stow the loot and let’s get some rest. I don’t know about you guys but I am exhausted.” I said, throwing myself onto the nearest bed.
“Yeah, breaking into places and stealing all their stuff will do that to you.” Summer quipped, finding her own bed.
“Ah, hazard of the trade. Got to take the good with the bad really. Good: I stole a lot of money today. Bad: It was rather tiring. See? It’s just a fact of life.” I shot back with a grin.
“Whatever, get some sleep guys.” Iron mumbled as he collapsed into his own bed, the poor wooden frame almost collapsing underneath him. “We got another long day of lying ahead of us tomorrow.”
We must all have been in agreement, though we didn’t vocalize it, as we all went to sleep.
The next day found me and Iron walking towards the Margin mansion, cunningly disguised as a nobleman and his personal accountant/lawyer. Iron was once again dressed up in his frilly suit, looking very uncomfortable, and I...
Well, I had just put on some glasses to make myself look smarter. It was a bit of a half hearted disguise really but we were on a tight schedule here. We had to make sure the con went ahead before Margin decided to check his fortune at the office, which meant that we didn’t really have time for long complicated disguises.
“Ace, are you sure we can pull this off?” Iron asked, looking down at me. If I didn’t know any better I’d say the brave minotaur was actually nervous.
“I’m confident that we can succeed. And afterwards I believe I owe you a very powerful drink.”
“Damn right you do. Making me dress up like this again, it’s ridiculous.” He grumbled.
“So it hasn’t grown on you then? You don’t feel even the slightest bit more...summery?” I asked, raising my tone to emphasize the last word.
“Summery?” He questioned
“Yeah, you know. To do with or pertaining to summer. You don’t feel like that? Like a butterfly flapping gracefully in the wind, or like a flower opening up to expose its inner beauty to the world?”
“Ace...you frighten me sometimes.” The minotaur responded, shooting a sideways glance my way. “Also, just for that comment, you now owe me two drinks.”
“Oh come on! That’s not fair! You can’t just decide when I owe you drinks.” I protested.
“Three for whining.” He grinned back.
“Oy!...wait, that’s what you want me to do...stupid minotaur and his stupid arbitrary drink demands. I’m warning you though, having three of this drink could kill you.”
“Doubt it. Minotaurs are made of sterner stuff than...whatever pansy race you are. Go on then, what is this frou-frou cocktail you think is going to knock me out.”
“Oh it’s brilliant. It violates all three laws of drinking in nightclubs. Never have a drink with a silly name, never drink something with a small umbrella in it and never drink something that changes colour once the last ingredient is added. It was invented by a friend of mine, well more of an acquaintance really. Well, actually he was a drunk Irish guy that I mistook for a leprechaun, to be fair though he was very short and I was very drunk. Anyway, after he kicked my ass he taught me the secret of his ancient beverage as way of an apology. It is a brew passed down through Irish blood for genera-”
“Will you just tell me what it is already!”
“Oh right, sorry. I rambled for a bit there didn’t I? Well, after adapting the Irish fellow’s brew to suit my particular tastes I had a drink that is best described as ‘like having you head bashed open by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick’. It is for this reason that I call it the Pan-Dimensional Gargle Blaster, after a truly brilliant author.”
“I guess we’ll just see if it lives up to all your hype. Quiet down now, we’re here and you are supposed to be a household retainer. Offering to get you master drunk isn’t in your job description.”
“I know I know. This isn’t the first time I’ve impersonated a lawyer you know. You would be surprised at what they can get up to though, they may seem uptight but those guys really know how to party.”
Iron sent me another odd glance, no doubt wondering at what point in my past I had decided to impersonate a lawyer. Honestly, I’m not sure why I did it either. I was just trying to get into a party at a law institute and ended up in a discussion about the amendments being suggested to the Offences Against The Person Act 1861. Naturally I did what all lawyers would do in that situation. I lied and pretended I knew exactly what they were talking about. It worked, surprisingly.
Shaking his head to clear away any stray curious thoughts, Iron knocked thrice upon the door, sending a hollow booming sound throughout the house. After a few moments the door creaked slowly open and the snooty looking face of a butler pony appeared in the gap.
“Ah, the unfortunate Lord Will. The master is expecting you.” He said and began to trot away, expecting us to follow.
“Once more unto the breach?” I suggested to Iron.
“Aye.” He replied wearily, stepping forward and slamming the door shut behind him.
Stats
Page generated in 0.025 seconds
Total duration
1,133 users online
1,717,683 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Could use a little longer chapters. The story feels slightly cut off as it is.
Ahh, the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster... My bane and dirty pleasure
you know owe me two drinks.”
know -> now. :3
Awesome! Love the chapter, as usual. References, funny, etc. Great stuff!
1516284
Thanks
1516287 No problem! Just your average, friendly, neighborhood Chocobo trying to help! :3
Ar' yes, the Pan-Dimensional Gargle Blaster, got a bit of a kick to it . . . then a punch . . . then another kick, then the feeling of getting curb stomped multiple times . . . then another kick . . . I suddenly worried for Iron Will now.
I almost feel required to say this now. MOAR!!! That is all.
The Fictional Critic.
Hoh boyo! Christmas came early guys!
-Glassed
“80 bits, no questions and you’ll get stew.”
“60 bits, no questions and we’ll take some bread with that.”
Sounds like a reference to the soup nazi... Unfortunately no line that went: No soup for you.
HA!
I see wut u did there
Interesting fact about alcohol.
It doesn't charm me. I don't even like champagne. I feel like I'm missing out on something, but then again, my addictive personality and my families history with alcohol make me think that it's good that I don't like it.
He's getting damn fine at his job. He needs an outfit like Corvo's from Dishonored. Plus we need some Sly Cooper references, they're almost alike except one has gadgets coming out the wazoo
It's funny because no-one noticed the Pratchett reference
I guess I can see why Will would find being called "Summery" a bit confusing. They already do have a party member called "Summer" :D
1516476
I suddenly imagined Ace sneaking up to him with a gold brick and a lemon slice and bashing him over the head the second he takes a sip
But minotaurs have thick skulls. Poor Ace.
But how are you going to float a measure of Qalactin Hypermint extract over the back of Silver Spoon if she's in Ponyville?!
reference to one of the top ten trilogies in book form..... ffffffffffffffffffffffffff
teresainfortworth.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/calvins-head-explodes-e1335650816746.jpg
dat reference.
1516506
I have resolved that the only reason I would ever drink is to see how bad I would get at playing video games. Hopefully I will remember to set up a video camera or something. Unfortunately, I'm underage so I still have to wait a few years. Plus, someone has to be a designated driver.
It's once more unto the breach.
Unto the breach.
Not into the breach.
Improper Henry XVIII quoting, just wanted to point that out.
another great chapter :)
Shakespeare!
...I get excited whenever I see a Shakespeare reference... xD
Well, That was damn interesting....
Oh, I noticed a um... interesting typo (at least I think its a typo, never know with this story...) .
I stood up from my golden throne and put my head back on my head, sweeping one arm to encompass the fortune I had just been sitting on.
As proud as that would probably make Pinkie
I'm gonna have to think you meant hat.
Tell me, what the actual fuck is a pan-dimensional gargle blaster? Sounds like a dirty sex position.
pan-dimensional gargle blaster..... hitchhiker guide to the Galaxy?
2132795 Aye, and a small nod to it with the marble statue saying "oh not again" from the last chapter
1917381 Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy. Buy the movie and/or the books. Answers therin
hitch hikers guide to the galaxy :D
So that reference last chapter and this one were both Hitchhiker's Guide. Well played, good sir, well played.
I think what you want to say is "my hat back on my head
1517315 OOO! Pratchett reference! Care to tell me were?
2274130 #42?
I see what you did there, and my I say that it is fantastic!
how ironic that the ad at the bottom of the page is for gold bars
3208155
4331622
I got trains...
I like trains...
4990899 mlp eg
A obscure hitch hikers reference here, a fistfight with thor, I believe it is from when arthur challenges thor to a fistfight in a floating nightclub after he tries to hit on trinnian ( I think, its been a while)
Oh and the pan dimensional gargle blaster/ gold brick reference, good show.
Iron Will is a damn fine negotiation partner
I really hope they let him bleed that pony slave saling ass a lot of gold for the fake titel 