• Published 14th Jul 2012
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Wild Card - Barrel-of-fun



A Satyr is sent into the Chess Game of the Gods by his patron, Lady Luck

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Intermission: A Hearth Warmed Heart

Ugh, Christmas.

I never got the point of this holiday really. The main reason for it nowadays seemed to be for companies to make lots of money. That, I felt, was not altogether in the spirit of the holiday so I often found myself relieving the CEOs of these companies of their “Christmas bonuses.” After a night of technically illegal civic duty I would retire to a bar to get so drunk, that I would wake up sometime in mid-January.

Hearth’s Warming, however, presented some problems to my festive routine. For one thing, the Industrial Revolution had yet to hit Equestria in full force so a lot of the toys and presents were made by small-time toymakers, often jolly old ponies with cheery smiles. There is a rather large difference between stealing from a small business and stealing from a faceless mega-corporation, mainly in how guilty I felt afterwards. So, I had decided to skip the illegal part of the evening and get right on with getting into the festive spirit by getting some spirits into me.

See what I did there?

So there I was, striding along through the snow of the town that we’d found ourselves in when Hearth’s Warming had come around. Summer and Iron had gone off to celebrate the holiday, presumably in some cuddly manner that was typical of Equestria, and had invited me along as well. I had declined as politely as possible, hoping they wouldn’t be too disappointed with me. I’m not very good with all this happy holiday family bullshit, too many bad memories perhaps.

Another thing Equestria seems to do better than back home, other than the lack of mega-corporations, is that they actually get proper snow around here. I don’t think I’d seen anything more than a dark mush for the last couple of years before my sudden immigration to Equestria. Typical British weather, half-hearted as usual. Still, I should get indoors soon, no one should be out in this weather, they’d freeze to death.

As I passed an alleyway a faint, familiar sound reached my ears. A soft tinkling followed by a dull clunk. Someone was tampering with a lock down there. I peered down the dark alleyway, noting how large the snowdrifts were in it, before looking at my target, a cheery, warm-looking tavern across the street. The promise of warmth called to me, and seemed to be about to win out, before the sound reached my ears once more. Cursing my damnable curiosity, for what felt like the hundredth time that year, I set off into the alleyway to stop the thief.

The culprit wasn’t exactly hard to find, though their identity surprised me a bit. Rather than some sleazy Grinch-like stallion, intent on stealing presents and robbing children of their happiness, I found instead a small, light green earth pony filly, shivering uncontrollably as she attempted to break the lock on a door. Her coat was overgrown and her mane, a yellow that must have once been bright but had clearly lost its lustre, was rough and uncut. It wasn’t working out too well for her though, mainly as her technique for lock-picking involved biting the lock until it crumpled before her superior herbivorous teeth. Despite this failure, she kept trying, determined to get past her security-enabling foe.

Creeping up behind her on silent hooves, I cleared my throat before speaking, “Kid...what are you doing?”

She whirled around in surprise, seemingly ready to fight me. The moment she saw me, however, she lost all the aggression in her stance and backed up, bumping into the door she had just been trying to break into.

“Are...are you an Eater?” She demanded, some fire of determination re-entering her eyes.

I chuckled, “Am I an eater? If I had a bit for every time a girl had asked me that in the bedroom,” I looked up in thought, “I’d have five bits I guess.”

She tilted her head at this. “What?”

“Erm...” Shit, I’d forgotten the age of who I’m talking to. “Adult stuff, forget about it. So what are you doing out here?”

“Nothing!” She answered far too quickly. “Are you sure you’re not a Pony Eater?”

“What exactly is a Pony Eater?” I asked, hoping to get her to talk to me and trust me a bit more.

Her mouth dropped in shock,“You don’t know?! Everypony knows what a Pony Eater is! It’s a spirit that eats naughty ponies at Hearth’s Warming to stop the Windigos from coming!”

“...How does that work exactly?”

“If there’s no naughty ponies around, then the Windigos won’t have any hatred to feed on.” She declared, with the smug triumph that only children can manage to pull off and still seem cute.

“Okay...makes sense I guess. I’m not one of them though. I’m just your run-of-the-mill professional thief, who was innocently strolling along and noticed a filly putting his entire profession to shame. So, why are you out here? Why aren’t you at home?”

The moment I said the word “home” her face fell, her eyes turning from determination to devastation. She rallied quickly, forcing her drooping face into a defiant frown but, whilst this may have fooled your average naive pony, I was one far better acquainted with sadness to miss it. It’s just odd noticing it on someone elses face rather than my own in a mirror. I quickly shook those thoughts from my head

“I don’t need a home!” She announced defiantly to both me and the world. “Those other foals are stupid, trapped inside their cages. Me? I’m free! Free to do whatever I want! Free to eat whatever I want and go wherever I want! Free to-”

“Freeze to death?” I interrupted. “Free to starve? Free to be forced to break into other’s houses and steal just to get the smallest bit of food?”

“How...how did you...” She stammered.

“How did I know? Personal experience mostly, but then I don’t need to be a detective to figure out why a trembling filly might be breaking into a house, especially considering your ribs are showing.” She looked down at herself, as if just noticing how skinny she had become. “How long since your last good meal?”

“I had an apple two days ago!” She stated, rearing up and stamping her front hooves down in annoyance. I noticed how she winced after she did this and glanced down at her hooves. Some sort of injury perhaps?

“That’s nowhere near enough. What’s your name kid?”

The filly hesitated, “Delicate Blossom,” She mumbled, looking down ashamed.

I raised my eyebrow in confusion, “That’s...a very nice name?”

“I hate it.” She spat. “I’m not delicate. I can look after myself just fine.”

“Why go by it then?” I said, causing her to look up at me confused. “A name is just a label, given to you by someone else. I see no reason to answer to a label you don’t like. Take me for instance, my name is Ace but it’s in no way my birth name. I gave it to myself, since whoever stuck the first one to me did such a terrible job of it.”

“What was your real name?” She asked, with the infuriating curiosity of a child.

I can’t really be annoyed at her curiosity, it’s the same trait that drives me most of the time.

“I’m not really sure, I forgot it after a while. I’ve used a lot of different names in my time, for various reasons.”

“Like what?” She asked, keeping up her theme of curiosity.

I waved my hand as if brushing her question out of the air. “There’s way too many to name right now, and we have somewhere to be I think,” I announced.

“What are you doing?” She demanded to know, her stance turning aggressive again.

“Well,” I began as casually as possible. “I was going to go and get myself some hot soup. Perfect thing to drive away this cold from the bones. How ‘bout you? You going to stay here and try to bite that lock off? I bet there’s plenty of soup to go around you know.”

I began to walk away, hoping that my words would overcome her stubbornness. I had barely reached the end of the alleyway before the sound of pattering hooves reached me, followed by a small, light green shape appeared in my peripheral vision.

“Just so you know, it’s not like I need soup. I was this close to getting past that lock.” She declared, balancing on her hind legs to gesture a small distance to me with her forelegs.

I chose not to say anything, simply smiling and carrying on, heading towards the tavern and its promise of food, the small filly stumbling along beside me.


We left the inn a while later, our bellies full and my coin purse slightly lighter. Got to say, that filly can really eat! She slurped her way through three bowls of soup before she even thought of slowing down, chunks of bread disappearing into her gullet as quickly as the barkeep could bring them to us. The soup had definitely done its job though, Delicate Blossom was no longer shivering and was now walking along beside me with a smile on her face.

“Thanks a lot for that mister.” She spoke up, surprising me. I hadn’t exactly expected a thank you from this tomboy filly.

“No problem, what sort of Wild Card would I be if I didn’t bring a little luck to those in need, and I would say you needed a bit.” I said, looking down at her.

“Wild Card?” She asked, eyes full of inquisitiveness.

“A fancy little title bestowed on me by my goddess, Lady Luck. Essentially, it means my job is to find those who have been victims of misfortune and give them a helping hand. It’s certainly led to an interesting life for me so far; saving ponies, fighting pirates, generally being a hero.” I put my hands behind my head as my chest swelled with pride. “Yup, I’m pretty awesome alright.”

“...Aren’t you a little weak to be a hero?” Delicate asked, her voice dripping with false innocence. My ego burst at the filly’s needling and I dropped my arms to my side again.

“Well, I’ll admit I’ve had a lot of help from my friends.”

“Pfft, what sort of hero needs friends? Heroes are big and tough, capable of taking down armies by themselves. They’re mysterious and work alone.” She said, her voice drifting off a bit.

“You know a lot about heroes eh?”

“Yeah! I’m going to be one when I grow up! Saving villages and rescuing foals, that’s what I’m going to be all about.” She exclaimed, eagerness shining in her eyes.

“Can I give to a piece of advice then, as one who has dabbled in the hero business a bit?” I asked, eliciting a nod from the filly. “Friends and allies are the most important part of being a hero. No hero can take on the world alone, but with a good friend by your side? Then all those monsters will seem like nothing before you. I can’t even count the amount of times my friends have pulled my tail from the fire, or the amount of times I’ve returned the favour.”

“But what about freedom? And independence?” She cried out.

“What about them? Friends aren’t chains that drag you down, nor do they sap away at your personality. Friends, true friends, strengthen and support each other, covering for each others weaknesses and lending their strengths.”

She opened her mouth, about to protest, once again before shutting it. A contemplative look entered her eyes as she fell silent and we marched on in silence for a while. The snow had continued to fall without pause whilst we had been eating, causing large snow drifts to appear all over the road. Whilst this was no problem to someone my size, I noticed my new friend was having a bit of trouble, her short legs having to force their way through snow that I could just walk over.

Knowing how determined this filly could get, I was content just to watch her for a bit, noting how that fiery resolution not to fail never left her eyes. It was seriously impressive that a child as young as she could have so much resolve, much more than most adults could muster in their entire lives. Eventually, I reached down and swept her up off of her hooves, ignoring her flailing protests at this undignified treatment. Tucking her into my chest and closing my coat around her, I bowed my head against the snow and carried on the trek.

At first she squirmed around something awful, attempting to escape the warm embrace of my coat and arms. Eventually though she was lulled into sleep by the combination of the warm soup in her stomach and the warmth surrounding her. Quiet, adorable snores emanated from within my coat as I trudged on, driving me onwards as I turned down towards my new destination. I looked down to assure that she was actually asleep before picking up my pace a bit. Hopefully I would be able to get there before the snow started coming down any harder.

Thankfully, it didn’t take me long to locate my objective. A large, two story building near the center of town, it was only a short walk away from the town hall, which must be convenient for the owners. I walked over the the nearest window and, after a moment of examining its simple lock, which was easily defeated by my nimble fingers, I made my way inside.

The interior was dark of course, everypony was probably upstairs asleep. I made my way across the room full of comfortable furniture, making sure that my cargo remained asleep and undisturbed. I was just about to pass a festive-looking tree, complete with presents underneath, when I felt one of my hooves collide with an object. Looking down, I saw it was a small child’s toy of a pony, it’s forehead inset with a glowing gem.

Oh no. No no no no. Please don’t be enchanted. Please, just this once.

Despite my pleas, the universe seemed to have other ideas as the toy, which I now recognized as a small plush version of Princess Celestia, suddenly burst into loud and annoyingly cheerful song.

“My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Ah Ah Ah Ah... My Little Pony
I used to wonder what friendship could be
My Little Pony
Until you all shared its magic with me.”

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. This is the worst way to be caught ever!

There was the sound of movement from upstairs, followed by the creaking of one of a door opening. I snatched the Celestia doll of the ground and began to look for some way to shut of its infernal singing, eventually ending up throttling it in desperation as it continued to sing merrily at me, oblivious to my attempts on its fluff-filled life. I was amazed that the filly hadn’t woke up by now, she must have really needed this nap as all the musical alarm managed to elicit from her was some slight stirring as she shifted around beneath my coat. Ignoring it, I continued to try and strangle Princess Celestia, or at least a doll version of her.

“Erm...can I help you?” A tired sounding voice said from behind me.

I whirled round to find a dark yellow stallion standing there, his tired eyes locked onto me and looking none too friendly. I looked at him, then down at the doll around whose neck I still had a death grip before awkwardly dropping the toy, which carried on its annoying dong. Credit to the makers of that toy, it is one persistent little bastard.

“Who are you and what do you think you are doing here?” The stallion demanded, now fully awake. “Are you a thief? What sort of horrible monster would break into an orphanage, on Hearth’s Warming of all times?! Well! Answer me!”

His volume and tone would have scared me slightly, if it were not for the fact that he was completely undercut by the singing Princess Celestia doll, which kind of ruined the atmosphere slightly with its ridiculous song.

“It's an easy feat!
And magic makes it all complete
You have My Little Pony.
Do you know you're all my very best friends?”

“Calm down will you? I’m not a thief...well, I am a thief but I’m not here to rob you, quite the opposite actually.” I began to open my coat, drawing my burden from inside. The stallion’s eyes widened at the sight of the filly and he rushed over, his caretaker instincts overcoming any hesitance he may have had about approaching me.

“Oh my Celestia!” He cried as he began to check the filly over for injuries. I hovered nearby awkwardly, not really sure what to do now. “I’ll be right back. Watch her.” He commanded me and I found I didn’t have the willpower to disobey the paternal stallion’s command.

He returned quickly, a small red medical bag clutched in his teeth and a rather chubby mare following him. Though she initially came in with bleary eyes, the moment she noticed the filly, her entire body jolted as though she had just been attacked by Summer and she shot across the room with a speed that belied her size.

“Clear signs of malnourishment.” She called out, eliciting a nod from the stallion who was presumably her husband, who was currently unpacking his medical supplies. “Several bruises under her coat, lack of dental care, lack of general body care.” She gasped suddenly as she got a good look at the filly’s hooves. “Oh my...it looks like she’s never had horseshoes.”

“That’s a problem?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“Yes, just take a look for yourself.” She angled the foal’s leg my way, allowing me to see the bottom of her hoof. It was disgusting to be honest. The natural hoof was worn down to the point of being almost entirely non-existent, with a large crack straight through what little remained of it. The crack was surrounded by what appeared to be dried blood, which caused my heart to ache for the child.

“Can you help her?” I asked, my voice cracking slightly as the emotions tried to escape from my throat.

“We can’t, but time can. It will take a while but she’ll recover, though she’ll have to stay off her hooves of course.”

“Good luck making her do that.” I snorted. “She’s quite the stubborn little one.”

“I’ll sedate her if necessary.” The mare growled, her eyes filled with the determination to protect this filly, even from herself. I wasn’t about to push the issue against someone with that look in their eyes, my survival instincts wouldn’t let me. Instead, I found a way to change the topic of conversation.

“Hey, it’s Hearth’s Warming tomorrow isn’t it?” I asked, getting a simple nod in response.”Every foal gets a present right?” Another nod. “Alrighty then, I’ll be right back.” I got up and headed towards the window that I had originally broken in from.

“You don’t need to do that you know.” The stallion spoke up as I walked away. “You’ve already probably saved her life.”

“Child’s got to have a present. It’s a rule.” I said simply.

A rule that was broken constantly in my childhood.

I quickly climbed out of the window, closing it behind me so as not to allow the snow into the cosy orphanage. Even as I left, I heard one more voice reach out to me, the mare’s this time.

“Why didn’t he just use the door?”

Some questions just have no answer, they are complicated and cannot be fathomed by mere mortals. Also, doors suck.


Several times so far this night I had found myself standing outside of warm buildings, freezing my ass off in the snow. This clearly indicates that something is very wrong with my life. Desperate, I hammered on the door once more.

“What?! What d’ya want?!” A burly brown stallion shouted at me as he threw the door open.

“Erm...horseshoes?” I said. “For a foal.”

At the mention of a foal, the stallion’s harsh eyes softened and he stepped back, allowing me into his shop. The walls were covered in a variety of tools, all around a large round forge pit.

“So what exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, she’s sort of a special case.” I quickly explained Delicate Blossom’s condition, the stallion’s eyes widening as I described her cracked hooves. “So I’d like to get her something nice, for when she recovers and can use them. So...I’d like to buy the nicest, strongest pair of shoes you have.”

“Ya realise those will be mithril don’tcha? He replied, his tone questioning.

“I have no idea what that is, how much will they be?”

“For four foal-sized horseshoes? 500 bits.”

Damn, that’s pretty much the rest of my money. Guess I won’t be getting mind-shatteringly drunk tonight at all.

“That’s fine.” I replied. “Make it so.”

The stallion shrugged and began to work, moving round his workshop and collecting the tools and materials he would need. I sat down in one corner and pulled out my pipe, content to watch him work by the warming light of the forge.


I arrived back at the orphanage just as the snowstorm began to pick up, a badly wrapped bundle of shiny paper clutched to my chest. I think I’d done quite a good job of wrapping her present, considering I’d never had any practice at it before.

I made sure to knock this time, gratefully stepping inside when the caretaker stallion opened the door for me. He watched as I placed the filly’s present underneath the tree with the others before turning back to him.

“You’re going to be able to look after her alright aren’t you?”

“Yeah, we get a government stipend to help us care for the children. There’s usually plenty enough to make sure they get all the comforts they need.”

Huh, orphanages in Equestria are much nicer than those on Earth. I’d say it’s a utopia, except the fact that they have orphanages at all kind of contradicts that statement.

“I’ll be passing some money along once I get my next job, make sure she gets it when she needs it will you?” I said, getting a firm nod from the stallion in response. “Alright then, where is she now?”

“My wife’s put her to sleep in the dorm room, we’ll get her fully settled in when she’s awake and recovered.”

“May I see her before I go?”

The stallion looked hesitant for a moment before he glanced over to the present I had got her, lying there under the tree in its colourful wrappings. His eyes softened and he relented, allowing me upstairs to see the filly who hated her name.

I entered the dorm room as quietly as possible, which was quite easy considering my normal vocation required stealth a lot of the time. I walked over to where the filly was tucked in, the caretaker mare had just put a candle next to her and, with a grateful glance over to me, left us alone. I sat at the edge of the bed, looking down at the sleeping filly and wondering what to do.

“You’re going to grow up to be the world’s best hero someday.” I managed eventually. “But for now, you focus on being a foal. Be precocious and curious, make friends and love others. Be the best you can possibly be. One day the world will need you to be the big brave mare who saves everyone, but for now there’s idiots like me who can keep it afloat. I don’t think I’ll be coming back here. I never was very good at going back, always too busy running away. Maybe someday though, once you’ve donned your shiny shoes and gone out into the world, we’ll meet up again and I’ll buy you some more soup.” My eyes were wet as I leaned down and planted a kiss on her head. “Have a wonderful life kid. Live, love and grow, and don’t let anything stop you.”

She snuggled down further into her blankets as I stood up and picked up the candle. I looked down at her, this small bundle of stubbornness and determination who, I felt deep inside my bones, would live. She would live, and grow, and go out into the world to find me, if for no other reason than to hold me to my promise of free food.

I left as quietly as I entered, save for the small pattering sound as tears flowed freely from my eyes and onto the wooden floor. I glanced back once as I reached the door, unable to resist the urge to see her one more time, before blowing out the candle and leaving, closing the door quietly behind me.

The caretaker couple were standing there, looking at my teary face with an understanding gaze. I quickly wiped my eyes and thanked them once more for all they had done, also asking them the address that I should send my money to.

“It’s Mr. and Mrs. Heart of the GentleHearts Orphanage. If we may ask, did you get her name before she went to sleep?”

I considered telling them her name, if for no other reason than they would have something to put on record. The filly’s face appeared in my mind, twisting in disgust as she spat out her own name.

“I’m afraid not.” I lied. “I’m sure she’ll be able to tell you when she wakes up though.”

The couple appeared to accept this and, with one final farewell, I set off into the night. The chill cut into my bones but was completely unable to take away the warmth that I felt in my heart.


Several months later.

A small filly sat in the lounge of GentleHearts Orphanage, looking critically down at the drawing in front of her. She felt that, whilst the picture itself was perfectly fine, worthy of being in the Ponet collection even, it lacked the proper essence of the subject. Reaching over with one shining hoof, she picked up her paint brush and dipped it in the red paint before drawing a small smirk on the face of her creation.

Looking up, she noticed somepony new was standing nearby, a red unicorn filly, nervously looking at her whilst scraping one hoof on the ground. As she looked up, the new filly realised that she had been noticed and, evidently mustering her courage, decided to make the leap.

“Erm...can I...can I paint with you?” She asked, looking away immediately afterwards.

“Of course! What’s your name?” Was the response she received.

“Quick Sparks, I’m a fire specialist.” She mumbled quietly, so that the filly had to strain to hear her.

“So you’re like a wizard or something?” The earth pony asked, honestly curious about her new companions magic.

“I suppose so.” Sparks said, sounding more confident now that they were talking about a subject that was dear to her. “I’ve even got this wonderful spell, it’s called Fireball. It’s really useful and cool.”

“That’s awesome! You should be, like, a travelling mage, vanquishing monsters and battling demons.”

“Oh, I don’t think I’m brave enough for all that. I don’t want to get hurt.” Spark said, looking down at the floor.

“Ah, don’t worry about that. I’ll protect you from those nasty demons. See these hooves?” She proudly displayed her front hooves to Sparks, whose eyes widened at the sight of the mithril horseshoes. “These hooves are going to save all of Equestria - no, the entire world - someday. So what’d you say?” The confident filly asked suddenly.

“I’m sorry?” Sparks replied meekly.

“What’d you say? Want to come with me on my adventures? Our adventures, sorry.”

Sparks considered it for a moment, looking down at her own hooves before looking back into the bright eyes of her new friend.

“I’d like that. What’s your name?”

“Wild Flower.” The mithril hooved filly responded proudly. “And together, nothing is going to stand in our way.”

The two foals began to laugh at that, before launching into an excited conversation about all the monsters they would slay and the villages they would save. All the while, forgotten between the two of them, a smirking satyr stared up from a piece of paper, the label beneath him scribbled on in inelegant foalish writing read:

‘The bestest monster in the whole wide world.’

Author's Note:

Edited by:
Lanafilly
Blazinblade7

Thank you to everyone who wished me well, I'm feeling much better now (which is brilliant because I'd hate to be ill on Christmas Day). Here is the Wild Card Christmas special, as promised. Note that it has nothing to do with the current story arc, which I'll be carrying on from now.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it and have a very merry Christmas!

Now, I'm off to watch Nightmare Before Christmas, it's a tradition.
Barrel-of-fun

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