Wild Card

by Barrel-of-fun

A Plan of Questionable Practicality

Having breathed in enough of the salty sea air to fill the salt shakers of every chip shop in North London, I decided to have a poke around the ship whilst waiting for the others to show up. The dressmaker from the Beauty Boutique had dropped by earlier and, after noticing me sitting atop one of the ships, had come over and given me the dress I had ordered. I gave her a tip for her troubles and, after giving me one last funny look for ordering a dress, trotted away.

The dress itself was, depressingly, a pink monstrosity that had more frills than any reasonable piece of clothing should. What was with that mare and frills? Seriously, I think she might have some sort of addiction. Still, it seemed functional and, as an added bonus, it was adjustable, which was great considering the range of beings that might be wearing it. It came with a parasol as well which, from my limited understanding of fine dress, was a bit like an umbrella except terrible at keeping out the rain.

After growing bored with the outfit I decided to have a look at the cargo. To be specific, the barrels that I had been explicitly told not to look at for my own good. To be fair though I’ve never been very good at following orders. Apparently I have problems with authority, though I don’t really consider it to be a problem; they give orders and I completely ignore them, simple really, no problems there.

I approached the nearest crate and drew my knife from behind my back, slipping it under the lid and levering it up before lifting it fully. Inside, stacked in neat rows and packed with straw, lay many bottles of what looked like fine wine. From the fancy label on the bottle to the authentic aged cork in the top, they screamed high class in a voice that could rock a noble’s party. Eagerly I grabbed on of them and lifted it up, admiring the bottle and giving a quick read of the label, which proclaimed it to be a brand called ‘Zebrican Red.’ I’d never heard of it of course but booze was booze and fancy booze is better still. I stabbed my knife into the top of the cork and wrenched it out, lifting the bottle to my lips and taking a deep drink.

I swirled the liquid round my mouth for a moment, taking the time to enjoy it like a connoisseur. Then I stopped, my eyes widening as it hit my taste buds in full force. Great Gods, this stuff was foul!

I quickly spat out the mouthful I had, throwing the bottle to one side as I began to quickly wipe any last vestige of the foul stuff off my tongue. After recovering from my state of disgust I looked down at what I had recklessly drank and spat out. Rather than the rich red wine that should have been there, a foul black tar polluted the floor, shimmering oddly in the candlelight. Some sort of oil perhaps, being smuggled in under the guise of fine wine? But who would need oil so badly that they would be willing to go to such lengths for it?

These superstitions were completely blown out of the water when the oil began to act strangely. Before my very eyes its tar-like form seemed to shift, the globule I had spat out shifting and moving across the floor like a worm. I couldn’t help but watch in sick fascination as it reconnected with the main body that had been spilt from the wine bottle, forming one large puddle that simply sat there in the middle of the floor.

Definitely not oil then, something far worse.

I had seen something like this before, this strange tar. Back in Redtooth’s throne room, he had taken a large dose of the foul drink right before it killed him - killed him and then re-animated him as a puppet that is. This liquid had caused the Diamond Dog to turn into a complete monster and here it was being smuggled into Manehatten, but for who?

I carefully approached the tar puddle on the floor, watching the dancing colours that reflected in its surface. Carefully - oh so carefully - I placed the wine bottle next to it and scooped it up into the container. The liquid felt like nothing natural as it passed over the skin of my hand. I felt dirty just for touching the damn stuff, and I’ve been swimming in the Thames river so that should tell you something. Eventually the liquid had returned to its bottle, none of it escaping as it seemed unwilling to be parted from the majority. The bottle itself was swiftly re-corked and returned to its crate, after which I set off swiftly to the captain’s quarters.

After ransacking the place and searching through what felt like hundreds of papers, I found the one pertaining to this shipment. ‘To be delivered to Manehatten and then passed on to the East Equestrian Trading Company for delivery North’ the paper proudly proclaimed. I almost felt my blood freeze as I read the words. What were the chances of that being a mere coincidence? Someone was playing silly buggers with my life, sending me this way and that, and I felt I knew exactly who it was.

“Lady Luck and I are going to be having words.” I muttered viciously as I folded the paper up and put it in a pocket. I may be her Champion in this battle but I don’t especially enjoy being treated as a Pawn.

I much prefer to view myself as a Rook, or a Knight. Or perhaps even a King.

My reverie was interrupted as I heard the sound of hooves striking against the top deck. It would seem that I had visitors. Reaching behind my back and once again drawing my knife, for I was a wary fellow, I crept up the stairs and onto the top deck.

Thankfully, the sight that greeted me was not the murderous horde of pirates I had been expecting but instead Summer, Iron and the Guards. The various beings that made up the misfit protectors of Manehatten were armoured now, the shining gold armour of the Guard flashed in the sunlight in a way that some would say was ‘glorious’ but I preferred to call ‘fabulous.’

It’s only a small change of wording but I feel it makes all the difference.

Anyways, the fabulously armoured guards held far less fabulous, and far more lethal looking, weapons. A range of swords, spears, glaives and even a crossbow, the same one that I had given the griffin guard earlier.

“Well, you all look the part at least.” I announced myself, “And I hate to tell you this, as I’m sure it took you a lot of time to get that armour on, but one of you is going to have to get changed.” I indicated to the dress that was still sitting nearby.

As one, the Guards all looked at me, smiles slowly growing on their collective faces. Even Summer and Iron seemed to have turned on me. I looked at them, confused for a moment, before realisation dawned on me.

“Oh you motherfuc-”

---

I was still very pissed at my so called friends, though it had waned slightly over time. Having been forced into wearing the dress I had enacted the next part of the plan. I had climbed into one of the ship’s small lifeboats and began to row out to sea, quickly finding myself moving swiftly away from land as my anger fueled each beat of the oars. I couldn’t believe they would do this to me! I had planned for one the the recruits to be humiliated into wearing the dress, not me!

I sighed and consoled myself with one positive thought: at least I looked good in the dress. Most of those ugly bastards couldn’t pull it off half as well as me. It’s a disturbing thought but it is, at the very least, true. Also, even whilst wearing a dress, I still looked manlier than half of the Guard in their fabulous golden armour.

Feeling that I had reached an appropriate distance from the shore, I casually held the parasol so that it covered my head and face completely and began to sing in a terrible falsetto.

“What do you do with a drunken sailor,
What do you do with a drunken sailor,
What do you do with a drunken sailor,
Earl-eye in the morning!”

My voice carried easily over the calm sea, carrying the haunting melody of my voice far across the waves. I sung slowly, deliberately breaking the usual fast pace of the song, to create an eerie sound.

“Way hay and up she rises,
Way hay and up she rises,
Way hay and up she rises,
Earl-eye in the morning.”

I paused for a moment to listen out carefully, ignoring the echo of my own voice. Distantly, I could hear the splashing of oars as an unseen ship moved through the sea, heading towards me.

“Shave his belly with a rusty razor,
Shave his belly with a rusty razor,
Shave his belly with a rusty razor,
Earl-eye in the morning!”

It wasn’t long before the ship came into sight. A large vessel with a wicked tip at its nose, which seemed to serve as some sort of lance as it cut through the waves towards me. Judging from the sheer weight and point of the nosepiece, it was designed to slam into other ships, with unfortunate results for the victims of such assaults. A raider vessel if I ever saw one, I didn’t even need to see the pirate flag they were flying to know that. It was larger than the vessel that I had appropriated for the use of the guards, but not significantly so. If I had to guess, I’d say the crew would be no bigger than twenty to thirty ponies. Though I couldn’t be sure, considering I lacked any sought of familiarity with nautical vessels.

I ceased my song as the ship pulled up alongside me, not daring to look up as I heard the sound of various pirates galloping to the side to look down upon their new find.

“Well hello there little lady.” A slimy voice called out, “What’s a rare treat like you doing out on this wide ocean?” A dozen other similar catcalls and shouts accompanied his, enough to make a real lady faint in fright. Thankfully, I was no lady.

“Just a simple damsel in distress.” I replied in my best falsetto, which wasn’t really saying much. Still, the pirates seemed to buy the act.

“And what, exactly, would be distressing such a fine young example of femininity?” Oh god, I could hear the leering in his voice.

“Just a tad lost mister, and in need of assistance.” I called up, not lowering my parasol. “If only there was someone to protect fragile innocents like myself. Some sort of civil organisation - probably a public funded one - designed to enforce laws and catch criminals. But what would such a group be called? It would have to be something synonymous with protecting...something simple and short...something beginning with ‘G’...”

The pirates, who were thoroughly confused by now, glanced at each other. “Guards?” One of them suggested helpfully.

I dropped my falsetto and stood up in the boat, letting the parasol fall to one side so I could gaze up at them properly. “I was going to go with Gallant Law Enforcement and Civil Protection Service,” I quipped, “But yours is way better, thanks. Guards! Guards!”

At my call the Guard’s ship, which had been quietly pulling up alongside the pirates up till this moment, exploded into action. The griffin from earlier, Private Dread, swooped down from above, the unfortunate yet hilariously named, Private Biter held in his claws. As he passed over the assembled pirates he released his diamond dog comrade, allowing the canine to drop onto the group with a huge grin plastered across his muzzle.

I saw that all four of the dog’s paws were covered in metal, heavy gauntlets and boots respectively, which caused massive damage when he slammed into the pirates. Ponies went flying left and right as the dog laid into them with vicious strikes in what was a dictionary definition of ‘shock and awe.’ Biter even managed to display why he was called such when one pirate, whose reactions were quicker than his unfortunate comrades, managed to draw a cutlass and swing at the dog. Rather than wasting precious punching time blocking the attack, Biter simply clamped his jaws down on the blade and, with seemingly no effort, shattered it with a single chomp.

Whilst Biter happily reigned havoc at the heart of the pirates, Dread took up a position as overwatch, occasionally kneecapping various pirates with his crossbow or, if he was feeling particularly creative, swooping down to snatch a pirate from deck and tossing them overboard. One pirate had managed to scramble away from the melee and had almost reached a cannon when he was bodily lifted into the air by a pair of talons. Dread didn’t even bother to lift him very far before he seemed to get bored with carrying the pony’s weight and tossed him straight up into the air. The screaming pony ascended for a bit before reaching the pinnacle of his arc and descending rapidly, allowing Dread to catch him again and, before the pirate could even think of thanking his attacker turned saviour, pile drive him into the deck of the ship. The wood smashed around the stallion, leaving him trapped upside down in the deck.

The two shock troopers were not alone in their charge though. Iron, who had evidently taught them a thing or two about recklessly attacking large groups of enemies, had also ran forward. His speed and weight meant that his stampeding attack allowed him to charge right through multiple pirates before stopping to begin his usual tactic of ‘punch everything that isn’t a friend.’

Surprisingly, it was the support that the battle initiators received that really turned the tide of the fight. After their initial charge the three fighter’s damage output took a sharp drop as the pirates managed to recover their wits, more and more of them finding weapons as they backed their attackers into a corner. Just as it looked like the Guard’s efforts had failed, two more ponies made their appearance on deck. Shivers and Summer stood side by side as they strode forwards, the mare exuding confidence as they stallion struggled to maintain his composure.

Summer turned to Shivers and nodded once, the easily-frightened earth pony seemed to gain some bravery from his Captain at this. From around his armour he pulled out various miniature barrels, tapping them once sharply on the ground before he gave them a forceful roll towards small clumps of pirates. The grenades, for that is what they seemed to be, instantly released a thick white stream of smoke into the air upon reaching their targets. The pirates who were hit by the attack began to cough as the gas took a hold on them, rapidly shutting down their mental facilities until they fell unconscious on the deck.

Summer was, as usual, incredibly effective and destructive in her attacks. Bolts of lightning shot out from her horn, rapidly locking up the muscles on afflicted pirates and putting them out of the fight. Seeing a group of unicorns assembling against her she turned on them, firing a single bolt that hit the lead mage in the horn. After the electricity had completely scrambled the pony’s brain and rendered him unconscious it leapt to the next unicorn, and the next one, and the next one after that. Before they could even react to stop it the bolt had taken out the entire group, effectively ending the pirate’s magical support.

One particularly aware group of pirates noticed the effect that Summer and Shivers were having on them and decided to take out the relatively weak looking duo, or perhaps they just didn’t want to fight Biter and Iron. Either way, they banded together and charged the two Guard ponies, a stampede of hooves echoing out as they crossed the deck.

As they were about to reach their target, the final member of the Guard made his appearance. Slamming down from his concealed position on a cloud above, Private Truffles was quite a sight to behold. Armoured from head to hoof in what looked like the heaviest armour that could be strapped to a pony and not kill him, the chubby Guard didn’t look nearly as jolly as he had at the Guard house earlier. Now he looked like a juggernaut of war, his folds of flab contained within his titanic armour and his greatest weakness, his weight, now turned into his greatest strength. The collection of pirates who had charged the support ponies now slammed headfirst into the wide pegasus, who simply stood there as the collective momentum of seven well armed and fast moving pirates didn’t even make him budge. He didn’t even have to raise a hoof against them, the majority of them were knocked out just running into him whilst the others were buried beneath their allies in the pile that the impact with Truffles had created.

The fight was over in mere minutes. I didn’t even have a chance to get out from my boat and contribute. Although my frilly dress might have hindered my prodigious combat talents somewhat. Eventually I did manage to get aboard the ship after Iron was kind enough to throw a rope ladder down to me. After clambering onto the deck I received a number of humorous looks from the Guards at my attire. Choosing to play it cool, I looked down my nose at them haughtily.

“You are all merely jealous that you lack the sophistication to pull of such a look.” I said in my posh voice.

“Aye, you do look quite a sight in that.” Iron responded with a grin.

I strolled over to him, putting a ridiculous amount of sway into my hips. “Iron, we’ve talked about this. You simply must restrain yourself when you’re around me. I know I’m beautiful but you have to exercise some self-restraint.” I leaned in as though I was about to whisper conspiratorially, although I made sure that everyone would hear me, “I mean, what would the others think? It would be scandalous!”

Naturally, the minotaur’s face had gone totally red from my words, either out of anger and embarrassment. Iron may be good in a fight but in a battle of the barbed tongues I was easily the victor.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed some movement, a slight shifting of the door to the captain’s quarters. Striding swiftly over, I lifted one cloven hoof and kicked the door open, grabbing the quivering pony in the fancy hat and slamming him up against a wall. My knife soon found itself pressed against his throat as I looked him dead in the eye.

“You’re going to tell me where Gang Plank is hiding the rest of the Guard.” I growled at him menacingly, “If you don’t, then I swear by my frilly pink dress that I will end you here and now.”

The terrified pirate captain rapidly nodded his head, the erratic movements forcing me to move my knife away so that I didn’t accidently cut his throat. Accosted and attacked by a deadly cross-dresser. If there is any worse fate to suffer then I do not wish to know of it.

Author's Note:

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
Lanafilly

I'm going to go ahead and apologize for any errors in this chapter. Most of it was speed written in about half an hour and my faithful editors can only catch so much.

Comments

[Kitsuneisuki]

I looked down my nose at them haughtily.

Wut

the mare exuding confidence as they stallion struggled to maintain his composure.

They stallions...?

Surprisingly good chapter, my good author!

[Barrel-of-fun]

2344925
oops that's an editors note...should be fixed now.
...you saw nothing

[HaveANiceDay]

I have to say, I like Ace's new look. Also,

“I mean, what would the others thing?

I think you mean think.

[Kitsuneisuki]

2344932 *Le gasp!* My eyes must deceive me because I could almost be sure... What is this Magic?!

[Lux Aeterna]

"I swear by my frilly pink dress"

That's one of the... less... threatening swears I've heard

[Forevermore]

Ace should dress in drag more often.

[Sir Stove Top]

I have been wondering if you have ever tried doing a crossover with Rust's character Echo the diamond dog... and since both Ace and Echo are in the same universe "Chess Game of the Gods" wouldn't a crossover be fun? Well, fun for us fans.

[Psycho Kid]

If you want a slower version of the Drunken Sailor I recommend listening to the one from Dishonored, not quite the same lyrics but absolutely fits the bill for ominous and creepy.

[Themaskedferret]

*grins* Yeah those crossdressers are truly deadly when roused. Another stunning chapter as always *Doffs caps*

[ed2481]

Now if only Ace had been wearing a bonnet...

[Ghfufhfuygghrthcg]

He didn’t even have to race a hoof against them

Race should be raise.

[Jane]

I didn't see any mistakes when I assessed it.

[Fugly Duckling]

this is, by far, the most hilarious chapter so far

[Themaskedferret]

2345425 *Blink blinks* Which part? Am I safe assuming you're the downvote too? I don't really care about the vote either way but if I caused offense I'd like the chance to correct it.

[abronie]

That is all.

[Dick McKickEm]

firing a single both that hit the lead mage in the horn.

I belive that both should be bolt.

[Speven Dillberg]

Why is Iron Will reminding me of Brick?

Hyperion was no match for my secret punch-you-in-the-face-until-you-die fighting style!

[Lepking13]

That ending. The single deadliest threat ever made.

[High Moon]

2345086 I got to that part and after hearing the start of the song he wanted us to hear I automatically searched up Dishonored

[TheFlame]

You glorious bastard. You are absolutely amazing.

[Blue Spark]

Another epic chapter, bravo!!! :D

[Nathan Traveler]

I lost it at that last part. That's just brilliant, right there.

[Scarves]

2347903 Magnificent Glorious bastard! I believe is the proper title.
For such an author like this one a truly grand title must be bestowed upon him.

[RealityDowngrade]

This is the first thing that comes to mind when I think Transvestite.
2.bp.blogspot.com/--AbDDIHvp2U/UNsyRp6IVLI/AAAAAAAAEnI/Q35kUCh4-aw/s1600/rhps-rw1c2-franktattool1.jpg

And this is the next thing that comes to mind. (They are the same actor, for those who don't know)
cdn.unrealitymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/legend.jpg

In short, Ace technically just became cooler in my book do to a few of my own twisted wires.

[TheFlame]

2349290 Agreed.

[Zann580]

2345009 that is the best threat

[Ssendam the Masked]

HUZZAH!
You have updated, which makes me happy. Also brilliant.

[Bubbabob]

If the cross-dressing distraction had been original, it would had been even more hilarious. Too bad Pirates of the Caribbean did it first.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma2i00tPrD1rb5yt1o1_r1_500.gif

[Jess887cp]

Phwah? Hah! Comedy gold!

Brilliantly executed, as always. Keep 'em coming!

[Lithl]

2353410
It's a lot older than Pirates of the Caribbean. "The beauty trap" is the 31st of the "Thirty-Six Stratagems", which date back to at least 150 BC. The description of the beauty trap refers to Xi Shi's actions in the court of Wu, so in that case it's actually a woman, not a crossdresser. On the other hand, stratagem 35 is "Chain stratagems" -- use more than one of the thirty-six to increase effectiveness -- and stratagem seven is "Create something from nothing."

7 + 31 = Ace in a frilly pink dress. Fancy mathematics!

(Ace is probably familiar with stratagem 36, too: RETREAT!)

[Enmar]

I lost my shit at the last line.

[Lord_Kalbario]

CLEVER... A REFERENCE TO THE 36 STRATAGEMS...
I ALSO USE THEM OFTEN DURING MY CAMPAIGNS..
I HIGHLY FAVOR NUMBER 4, 6 AND 7 FOR A GRAND EFFECT

[A true pony critic]

2100333
I know it is the most terrifying thought is it no?

[Rubel]

the deadly crossdresser? lol

[The Dark Shadow]

2369336

Oh really?

Hmmm... I have found a weakness then...

Hah...

[Doctor Agon]

Oh man, this story just gets more and more hilarious as it goes on! XD So many good lines! I'm almost in tears!

[Glassed]

Glad I'm currently not the only one in a frilly pink dress...
Though to be fair, you pull it off better than I do, brother
-Glassed

[Fancy Fox]

2369765
And I seem to have found a pregnant pinkie pie on fimfiction
Your screwed now

[The Dark Shadow]

2376994

And I appear to have my entire platoon of Shadow Destroyers behind me...

Run rabbit. Run rabbit. Run. Run. Run.

[AggroViking]

2375330 my comment was posted 30+ weeks ago, it's a bit late for an angry reply isn't it XD

[Fancy Fox]

2378188
Pinkamena Diane pie...
You can't spell slaughter without laughter

[The Dark Shadow]

2380109

Hmmmm...

I guess now is the best time to tell you I have a brainwashing machine and a Quadruplication gun

[Fancy Fox]

2380295
Like a gun that is used to copy ponies?
...
Quadruple pinkamena Diane pie...
...
This could be the beginning of a beutiful freind ship

[meh]

2380664 dude that was like 3 months ago

[KingOfTheMuffins]

The terrified pirate captain rapidly nodded his head, the erratic movements forcing me to move my knife away so that I didn’t accidently cut his throat. Accosted and attacked by a deadly cross-dresser. If there is any worse fate to suffer then I do not wish to know of it.

That WOULD be terrifying...

[Raiku-Kawisa]

I actually know that tune! XD

[Greenfang Neverclear]

Private Biter

OH GOD MY SIDES I JUST REALIZED THE JOKE HOLY SHIT I'M DYING.

[Dragon Fire]

I caught that Firefly reference and its perfect because Ace and Captain Renolds are so alike.

[ShadowsInTheDark]

Lol this is made of win XD