Chapter 3: A Series of Unfortunate Events
“Are you okay there Arty?” asked the concerned nurse, staring quizzically at my reaction. I could barely hear her through the haze that now fogged my conscious.
How is this even possible? I thought to myself in a panic.
This body must have come from somewhere; I don’t know why I had never never considered that a possibility. It was sickening to believe that I may have hijacked the body of some child that was just minding his own business. Of course, there was always the chance that these ponies were just confused and I wasn’t really the one they were searching for. Regardless of the explanation, I was going to need to talk to these parents to get a better idea of what happened before I arrived here.
“Arty?” she repeated with a frantic look in her eyes; a look that told me I better respond before she called the doctor.
“Sorry!” I blurted out. “I was just a little… surprised is all.” At least that one wasn’t a blatant lie. All of this dishonesty was starting to drain on me. I was certainly no paragon of virtue, but I’d like to think that I was at least somewhat of a good person. I knew that one day I was going to owe this nurse a sincere apology; if I ever got the chance that is.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked again, clearly still not entirely convinced.
“Yeah yeah, I’m sure. Sorry if I startled you.” I felt like all I had been doing since I arrived was apologize for my constant mistakes. “So how did you find them?” I asked, genuinely curious.
Before the nurse could respond, I noticed a figure step into my periphery. “I believe I could help you with that.” Interrupted a brown coated mare in uniform. She was wearing a tall hat that made her look like an old British constable, and her flank tattoo resembled a corpulent looking Billy Club. I almost chuckled when I saw the resemblance, but stopped myself before I made the situation worse.
“This little colt’s a runner,” she continued stoically. “His parents were looking for him all over Canterlot when he went missing. Apparently they were planning on moving here to Ponyville and this little guy wasn’t too happy with the change in scenery. Ironically, turns out he ran right into the place he was hoping to avoid.”
“What I never…” I muttered, mostly to myself.
“His parents are the nicest ponies you’ll ever meet,” she interrupted. “They never thought it would be possible for him to make it this far on his own. When they found out there was a missing foal located in Ponyville, they came here as quickly as they could to see if it was their son.” As she finished her explanation, I could see the mare shoot me a dirty look out of the corner of her eye.
Everything here just keeps getting stranger and stranger. I thought to myself. What if these parents really are looking for their long lost son who ran away from them?
I could tell from the stoic stance and monotone voice of the mare that she was strictly a professional and took her job very seriously. I needed to meet with these ponies before I could do anything. I knew that if I were in their position I would be frantic with worry.
“Oh that’s just horrible!” exclaimed Nurse Redheart. “It’s unfortunate that he still can’t remember much from before the accident Ms…”
“Hot Fuzz, a pleasure to-”
This time I couldn’t help myself. I let out a stifled chuckle and she quickly turned to scowl at me.
“Is something funny to you?” Her glare hardened as she took a step closer to me.
“No, no it’s nothing.” I said, after taking a second to regain my composure. “It’s just an… inside joke that I remembered from earlier.” I pled with a convincing smile. “I meant no harm by it, I promise.”
“This kid’s quite the hoof full isn’t he,” she asked rhetorically.
“He’s been through a lot,” replied Redheart defensively. “I can’t speak about what happened with his parents, but I promise he’s been polite with the hospital staff.” I’m surprised by how forgiving she is, especially considering how much grief I must have caused her over the previous few days.
“Whatever. He’s his parent’s problem not mine,” she responded dismissively. “Your parents are waiting in the other room talking with the doctor. Let’s reunite you so that I can get back to work.”
The constable closed the final few steps remaining between us and nudged me in the direction of the hallway next to the reception area. It was almost as if she was herding me like a lost sheep that wandered too far away from the pack. Based on the location, I assumed that the room must be the doctor’s office where he conducted his private business.
Upon reaching our destination, I could clearly hear three distinct voices coming from the other side of the door.
Here goes nothing, I told myself as my guide knocked heartily against the door.
After a brief pause in dialogue, a confident voice streamed from the other room. “Yes, bring him in,” boomed the voice of Helping Hooves.
My heart was beating into my chest as the door slowly creaked open in front of me. I had never been one for awkward situations, but this definitely had to take the cake for the strangest situation I had ever found myself in. These parents were most likely relieved to have finally found their child, and I knew for a fact that they are either mistaken, or I had accidentally taken the body of their sweet colt from them. Regardless of whether or not it was my fault, I couldn’t help but feel terrible for them.
As I walked slowly into the room my worst fears looked to be confirmed. Doctor Helping Hooves sat behind a large mahogany desk covered in papers, post it notes, and other various office supplies. I didn’t think this hospital was very large, but he clearly looked to be a busy man. On the other side of the table was two adult ponies. I could tell from their reaction that they looked to be a little relieved with my sudden presence.
The purple coated mare with an auburn mane appeared as if the smallest touch would cause her to shatter into a million pieces. The tattoo upon her flank resembled what I assumed to be a cooking pot burning over a small fire. Her alabaster coated husband was tenderly holding her hoof as she held a well used tissue in the other. Clearly she had been through a lot over the last few days.
Her husband on the other hand seemed to be very composed and indifferent to the situation. I honestly couldn’t tell if he wasn’t very concerned, or if he was retaining his composure to help support his wife. The short black mane that topped his head parted gracefully for the horn that lie on the front of his forehead, and his flank mark; two pale black musical notes, accented his coat very well. He looked tired, but certainly not as disheveled as his wife was.
“Arty!” Before I could properly react, I felt myself being pulled into a warm embrace. “We were so worried about you! I’m so glad you’re okay!” My lungs started to ache as she constricted me like a rattlesnake honing in on its prey. “I know you aren’t happy with the move honey. But please just give this a chance, I promise you that everything will be okay,” she pleaded with me as I could feel her tears begin to stain my coat.
At this point my face was most likely purple from lack of oxygen, but that was the least of my worries.
I couldn’t bring myself to do this, I just couldn’t. Consequences be damned, there was no way that was going to try to convince these two that I was their son. I didn’t care if telling them the truth would wind me up in an insane asylum, I wasn’t going to manipulate to these two clearly frightened parents.
“Guys…” I began, as the mare reluctantly removed me from her embrace like a mother forced to give up her baby. “I’m really sorry about this whole situation, but I’m not your son.” I recoiled a bit from the absurdity of my own statement.
“What do you mean?” interjected the father. “Of course you are boy! I know we messed up, but you’re still our son!” he added with no room for argument.
“That’s not what I mean sir. I mean that I am truly… not your son.” Before he could interrupt again I quickly appended another statement. “My name is Artemio Baldarich, and I am a human from another planet.” I stated with an air of confidence. “I’m not sure how I ended up here in the body of your son, but I am certainly not him.”
After of moment of bewilderment, the white coated stallion resumed his dissuasive remarks. “What did they do to your head here boy?” he stated as he glared accusingly at the doctor. “Your name is Artemis Starseeker, and my son is certainly no alien from another planet.” He put a hoof to my chest proudly as he finished his statement.
“Artemis Starseeker?” I repeated back to myself in disbelief.
“That’s right boy and don’t you ever forget it,” he said sharply. The strange harshness of his tone caused the rest of us in the room to look at him in shock. “Sorry about that…” he replied, nervously rubbing through his mane with a hoof. “It’s just that we’ve been over this before when he started using that… silly nickname.”
“Oh come on Adagio,” teased his wife with a bit of an undertone. “I like ‘Arty’, it’s a cute nickname.” She tousled my mane gently with a hoof, as if to justify her assertion.
“Right then,” interjected the doctor. “I hate to interrupt your family reunion, but I would very much like to sort out this paperwork so that we can get Arty… eh Artemis home as soon as possible.”
The shock wore off after hearing the doctor refer to me with that abomination of a name. “Guys look… I know it’s a little hard to believe, but I am telling you the truth. I am not your son; I don’t even know who you guys are. If you would just give me a moment to explain I’m sure-”
“Enough of that Artemis,” interrupted the doctor. “I’m not sure if you’re acting out, or if the accident is still clouding your memory, but trust me, these two are your parents.”
“How can you know that?” I responded indignantly.
“They’ve got all of your paperwork right here Arty.” He held up a hefty packet of papers and started to sift through them. “Let’s see here…” He pulled out a small square of parchment that I assumed must be a birth certificate and placed it down in front of me.
Canterlot General Birth Certificate
Name: Artemis Starseeker
Parents: Adagio and Maple Starseeker
Coat Color: Light grey
Mane Color: Royal purple with a hint of turquoise
Eye Color: Light blue
Race: Unicorn
Born: 7/17/3045 4:32 p.m.
“What- this can’t be real.” I pled, after I finished reading through the certificate. “I mean- this might be real, but that isn’t me!”
“It’s not just that Arty, they have everything: school records, vaccinations, passport, unique identification number.” He looked at me with a bit of a frown. “There’s not much room for interpretation here.”
“I know how it looks but-” I began.
“Constable?” inquired the doctor. A small shifting could be heard as the door reopened to reveal the police mare. “Could you please take Arty out to wait in the lobby while we deal with this…” He paused for a moment, searching for the right way to phrase what they needed to do. “Grownup stuff?” he finished.
“Sure thing doc,” replied the stalwart mare as she ushered me out the door.
I spend my time waiting in the lobby utterly dumbfounded. I had so many questions and very few answers.
Who are these ponies? Where did those documents come from? How is it that my name could be so similar to that of this foal? The answers to these questions completely escaped me. I didn’t have much time to think before I could hear the door down the hall open, revealing the mirthful laughter emanating from inside the private office.
“Thank you so much for all the help, doctor,” Adagio said sincerely.
“Yes, thank you doctor. I don’t know what kind of state my little boy would be in without your help,” replied Maple.
“I’m just doing my job here miss,” the doctor said with an air of pride. “Just make sure to bring him back in a few days like we talked about. I know you all must be very busy with setting up the new house, but I want to be absolutely certain that he’s going to be okay.”
“Don’t worry, doc, you have our word that we will bring him back as was discussed,” the alabaster stallion responded confidently.
After the doctor was sufficiently reassured, I could hear the door click shut and the sound of hooves moving towards my general direction. I was sitting next to Nurse Clearview and the constable, but they could both tell by my demeanor that I was not in the mood for talking.
“Well, I think that’s my cue to leave.” The constable rose from the chair she was occupying and turned to address me. “Make sure you don’t get into any more trouble kid. You’re the last thing I need to be worrying about in this town.” She left the room quickly before I could utter a response. I certainly hoped I wouldn’t have a reason to be needing her assistance in the future.
“Don’t mind her. She may seem like a brick wall, but I can assure you that deep down she cares deeply about this town and its residents,” Nurse Clearview said reassuringly. “Oh, and make sure you stop by to see Twilight Sparkle when you get a chance. You should thank her for carrying you here after the accident.”
My head perked up at the mention of the name. “Twilight Sparkle?” I repeated.
“Yep, she’s the local librarian. You can find her in the hollowed-out tree in the middle of town. Can’t miss it,” she responded.
“Thanks, I’ll be sure to stop by when I get a chance,” I said, beginning to stand as my new ‘parents’ walked into view. “And thanks for everything Clearview, you’ve been a real help to me in this time of need.” I smiled lightly to convey my honesty.
“No problem Arty, I’ll be sure to pass your thanks on to Redheart when I see her again. She’s been acting all out of sorts since she came back this evening,” she added offhandedly. “Well anyways, I’ve got work that I need to get back to. Good luck Arty!” She quickly embraced me before continuing off down the hallway.
“Well, let’s get you home boy.” Adagio said, as he walked over with Maple in tow. “Celestia knows it’s been a long couple of days.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” Maple added as she affectionately rubbed herself against her husband’s coat. Clearly these two are quite the romantics.
We left the hospital shortly thereafter with no complaints from myself. I tried everything I could to be honest with these folks and there was just no way that they could believe me. Hell, they wouldn’t even give me enough time to explain myself before shrugging it off as memory loss or the ravings of a recalcitrant child.
As we made our escape from the hospital’s lobby, the bright sun burned a permanent mark into my vision. At this point I had been inside for a long time, so it understandably took awhile for my body to re-acclimate to the outside world.
What I saw when my vision finally returned to me was definitively awe inspiring. The quaint village that surrounded me certainly wasn’t the sprawling suburbs that I was used to, but it definitely permeated a peaceful undertone that was quite refreshing. Short one or two story buildings extended in both directions from the small hospital that we had just exited. The area looked to be an economic district of sorts, with many shops and stores lining the pony filled streets.
Speaking of ponies, oh boy was there a lot of them. Scattered all throughout the streets, the polychromatic mass of equines was a sight to behold. The number of ponies occupying the various nooks and crannies of the various businesses was much more than I anticipated for such a small town. From my vantage point I could make out three distinct types of ponies roaming about the village: unicorns like myself, ponies with wings which I assumed to be pegasi, and normal ponies that didn’t have either supplementary feature.
After a moment of staring in wonderment, I noticed that I was standing alone on the hospital steps.
“The house is this way,” Adagio said with an irritated stare; his was hoof lifted, pointing up the road to the left of me.
Even with his encouragement, I was still thoroughly frozen in place. I realized that I was completely out of my element here; suddenly the true breadth of my situation was beginning to dawn on me.
New doubts began to flood my mind. What if I really can’t find a way back home? What if this is my new life?
I tossed the thoughts away as soon as they occurred to me. Pessimism wasn’t going to help me out of this predicament; I knew it was better to stay positive.
I delicately made my way down the steps to meet up with my new guides. As bitter as it was, there was not much that I could do at the moment other than go along with this charade. As I made my way down the last step, a bright pink flurry of movement quickly filled my vision.
“Hi there!” exclaimed the new voice.
“Uh… hi, good to meet you,” I replied in attempt to not be off-putting, despite my current mood.
The mare behind the voice was almost offensively pink; the only other color to grace her coat was the cyan and yellow in the three-balloon tattoo that occupied her flank. Everything about this pony from the mannerisms to the boisterous voice screamed extroversion.
“Good to meet you too!” she added with a bright smile. “My name is Pinkie Pie, but you can call me just Pinkie if you would like- not JUST Pinkie but ya know- just Pinkie!”
“Okay…?” I replied cautiously. I don’t know what it was, but this mare seemed unstable to me.
“We were all so worried about you when we heard about the-“ Pinkie began, before being interrupted by the imposing white figure that stepped in between us.
“We don’t have the time to be twiddling our hooves Artemis.” The scowl coming from Adagio almost made my heart stop with fear.
“Yes come along now Arty,” Maple interjected more delicately, “We need to get you home so that you can rest up.”
“Yeah, boy, the new house awaits your presence,” he said, looking knowingly to Maple.
“I’m sure you’ll love it,” she replied with a smirk.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that something felt off about these two.
"Oki doki loki then!" The pink mare waved in response as we started to trail away. "Let me know when Arty's feeling better so that I can give him the proper Ponyville introduction!"
"Will do," Maple responded dismissively.
After a short walk, we arrived at a small thatched roof house that I assumed must be their new domicile. It wasn’t anything too extravagant; just an unassuming two story house that very much mirrored the design of the houses that surrounded it. The yard was small and wrapped around to the back of the house. I could tell from the boxes in the windows that they truly had just moved in.
We walked up to the front porch and Adagio opened the door with a key that he had stored away. I stepped into the house cautiously; still a bit weirded out by the whole situation. The moment all three of us passed the barrier of the entrance way, I could hear the door shut behind me with a loud slam. My stomach dropped as I heard the heavy deadbolt slide into place.
“What- what’s going on here?” I asked, knowing that I might not like the answer.
“Heh, you hear that Adagio?” Maple responded with a sneer. “It seems our little muffin is dumber than we thought.”
“You’re right, he’s a lot dumber than I anticipated,” Adagio replied; taking a heavy step towards me. “Not that it matters much as long as he is capable of what we need him to do.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, cowering into the ground with my ears splayed back against my head. At that moment I felt like prey that had just unwittingly fallen into the cave of a predator.
“We know exactly what you are boy!” Adagio walked up to me before I could bolt away, and pulled my chin up to look him directly in the eyes. “A worthless- yet useful sack of flesh.” He pulled me even closer to his eye level to drill the point home. “And trust me, you will be useful to us.” My heart beat quickly as he finished his tirade.
“Why the hell would I play along with your sadistic little game?” I spat out; trying in vain to not seem defenseless.
“That’s an easy one boy,” he responded sinisterly; a demonic smile creeping across his face.
“We have your sister.”
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His sister?
Of course they do.
Well that is not surprising, well except the part about the sister. Now how will Arty beat these two ruffians, my vote Indy ploy.
8223544
8223709
No worries! This is exactly the feedback I was looking for. I'm going to be taking the next few days to revise the first three chapters before I move on to anything new and I will try my best to fix the errors that you have pointed out.
Thanks!
...
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Oh sh
t. This got intense fast. Keep it up.
I can already imagine his deadpan expression, as he apathetically replies with: "... I'm an only child, so I can only assume you mean this body's sister."
Well this was an interesting plot twist, and well though out, good job on that and the "parents" act was very well done. You certainly broken the expectation of the reader by going strait into the meat of the story by revealing who, at least some of them, knew he was comes from another world but somehow didn't know where he was going to pop up or something when haywire and somehow managed to escape captivate without remembering any of it and it took them this long to find him again and forge all the legal document to get custody of him with little fuss.
I wonder how they also go Arty's sister, if it is indeed they actually have her, and how they know they are sibling in the first place? They don't seem to be very interested in getting to know them as they referred to Arty as meat bag for them to use. I am guessing that they were both taken at the same time into this world and got separated.
I wonder what they would need Arty for anyway, I am guessing it has to to with his magic and young, but then again there are plenty of foals for that in Equestria for what ever sinister plan they have in store for him, so what would make a human turn foal make him stand out from the rest? Could Arty's mind been under sedation or brainwashed so that he would act the part
So, his body is apparently completely his own, so there isn't a foal mind running around a twenty year old human body; that is a relief at least.
I wonder why those two individual decided to actually stay in Ponyville and set up shop there, instead of immateriality leaving the town after getting custody of Arty and give them a fake address of residence it would have been easier to keep the cover of being a family with little trouble? And being in the middle of the small town of Ponyville I wonder how they will keep their cover or lessen the risk of Arty from escaping their captivity or spill the beans to the other residence of Ponyville? the officials know that they have a colt in their care and he will legally have to go to school I wonder, unless they say they are home schooling him, even then something will be amiss if they never come out of their house with Arty from time to time because ponies will be talking anyway? They could drug him or alter Arty's mind so that he plays the part of their son, but that sounds like too much trouble from me to bother with. I think they could use is sister as a bargaining tool in cohesion to get him to comply with their cover.
Looking forward to the next chapter good luck on that.
8223964
Hmmm... I'll say that some of your ideas are hinting at the answer... and I'll just leave it at that.
I'm doing my best to prove that the mystery tag belongs on this story, and I hope the intrigue is enough to keep people interested in the narrative. A lot of the stuff that I have skipped over has been done so because the concepts are played out, and have already been done to death in these stories. But alas, worry not, I have reasonable explanations for all the gaps you pointed out, and the answers will be revealed soonTM.
Sometimes I think that I just enjoy torturing people with cliff hangers.
That plot twist
I wonder how he'll get out of this
You think his are bad? I've been waiting for an update to 'Oh, to be old again' for...what, over a year now? That cliff-hang has been there so long moss is growing on the climber hanging there.
That was really stupid of him, the different names and the time Adagio says that he started to call himself that was the obvious way to know they weren't their parents, he should have realized that.
8224212
I'd like to think that he's setting up the server so that he can use it to play NetHack or the primitive version of dwarf fortress. But that might be more nerd cred than I have to hand out at the moment.
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ugg, enough with the cliff hangers! can't a chapter just end without a big Bum Bum BWAM! momment!?
8224265
I am certain that one day I will write a chapter where I can successfully finish it without giving in to the evil voice in my head telling me to torture you all with another cliff hanger.
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You know where to put cliffhangers, that's for sure! Moments of maximum freakout, with high uncertainty of what's next. Perfect! And "Mystery" tag is certainly well deserved, too.
Just make sure to not rush new chapters. It rarely does any good, both to quality and motivation.
8224225
Nintendo is the exception.
Oh look, a human-turned-young-pony story! These are generally interesting, though a lot do tend to lose focus on what they are trying to do in that process, or don't have any. Hopefully you can retain a focus as you progress through the story.
What you have here so far seems solid, though the newest development makes me cringe just a little bit. I'm going to withhold any judgement until I see how it unfolds further, though. Generally, the wholesome, Slice of Life is what I look forward to in fictions such as these, but this twist may wrench that quite heavily. Only time and your future chapters will tell that.
Overall, it seems a relatively solid job, all things considered. Has some flaws present, but nothing too glaring that detracts from much. So, keep it up, keep your focus on the story and what you're trying to achieve and stuff.
she*
relieved* x2
You know how to keep the cliffhangers coming, I see.
Yeah, every time when pony feeds his or her cat or dog they feel sooo stunned. Because they eat meat or fish.
I'm currently reticent about this story. The big picture concept (human to foal) is not new one and this doesn't have the feeling of a mystery story, it has the feeling of a thriller. You are literally copying that style by never ending on a quiet beat that would allow the reader to relax. Mystery is a very different genre from this and usually follows a much more methodical style (take your pick on noir, amateur sleuth, or ace detective for the most common conventions of mystery type stories).
Also with the rapid pace and thriller style storytelling of one dramatic moment to the next, you cannot describe this as a slice of life, especially with the twist at the end of chapter 3. This also leads into my hesitance for this story as I can see directions this can go and I'm not finding them interesting.
Uh... I need an adult...
Alert! Alert! Engage all passive/aggressive incompetence immediately! Don't let them know you're not dumb as bricks!
This is shaping up to be much like the Smallville episode "Stray".
Ok, I like this setup. In particular, I like the fast approach to action: We're three chapters in, and we've already got our central conflict and, seemingly, our primary antagonists. That by itself sets it apart from most other similar stories, where the prime antagonist is vague, if there's one at all (no to say they lack a central conflict, just an antagonist).
This works especially well because it allows us, the readers, to very easily take any questions we might have regarding who/what/how and push them to the back of our minds because there's a more immediately pressing concern.
Sister.. ?
Does she gone when Arty is young .. and mention at chapter 2 ?
Well. That escalated quickly.
8224696
Dogs also tend to eat their own poop. It doesn't mean you expect or want to hear about a child doing the same. I would be weirded out if I saw a bunny eating carrion at the side of the road. I would similarly be disturbed if I heard about a child who liked to eat dog meat.
Don't be so close minded and obnoxious. From her perspective, picturing a colt eating meat could be quite disturbing. Nowhere does she imply having a problem with natural meat eaters in general.
8225195
^ Sums up my thoughts on this chapter nicely.
I also see the 'Mystery' tag wasn't just slapped on for only the "why am I a pony?" question. Not sure if I'll like it or not, but at least the writing is pretty good! We'll see where this goes...
This is great so far! Keep it up
8224919
Definitely all fair criticisms; especially concerning the current pace of the narrative. I have had people both praise and bemoan about the quick nature of the introduction. Maybe it was a mistake, but there's not much to be done about what's already been done.
For what it's worth, the story will be noticeably slowing down in the next section as the protagonist takes more time to attempt to figure out his current predicament.
Thank you for taking the time to share your opinion. I have learned a lot over the last few days, and will be applying what I have been observing as we venture into the future.
Interesting story, but yet again we are starting with the "psychiatrist thinks you are delusional" cliche.
Serious this concept just rubs me the wrong way in just how narrow minded and blind these so called "professionals" really are. Makes me want to take there "Diploma" and rip it to pieces.
Also: "Watch how you speak youngin. I know you have been through a lot, and clearly are having memory issues, but that is no excuse to use such vulgarity " : Sir...fuck you. I Have all the rights to curse as I please, especially given the fact that I just got ripped from my very world or universe, got shoved into a foreign body, or what YOU believe just suffered through a magical surged that nearly disintegrated me AND with hardcore amnesia, hallucinations and panic attacks to boot. I know that you are supposed to be some kind soul and mind professional but really true experience and understanding only come by experiencing these things yourself. So don't give me your shit because you have NO idea how this side of the fence actually feels like.
Also the main character seems to be to formal so far, acting a little bit more immature or even an asshole sometimes ,especially when really annoyed or frustrated would have been nice. But that it just my personal perseverance.
Overall nice story and well written so don't take this as a criticisms. Just wanted to went on something.
My first comment earlier was because I thought I had placed this in my favorites, so I was insulting Fimfic on failing to notify me about the new chapter. Of course, I didn't have it in my favorites so I deleted the comment (idiot me). Onwards. Arty was brainless to think saying all that in the office was a smart idea. He picked up earlier that no one believed him already, why a repeat of events? I did like that you used the birth certificate as a method of informing the reader just what he looks like rather than something obvious like 'grey unicorn, with deep purple mane.' Those "parents" seem a tad...creepy there.
For everyone else:
Billy club: extendable police baton
constable: British police officer
I know Google exists, but it surprises even me that people don't take the minute to actually use it.
8225058
I forgot that to be honest. My first response was "I don't have a sister. Checkmate, dingoes."
8225598
I guess the only thing that I could say in defense of the doctor is the fact that he's not a psychiatrist; he's more of a general physician. In my mind, the Equestrian education system is leagues behind what would have been available on earth.
I really like how polite that started out.
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The pacing is probably what bothered me the most. I get that the character is stressed out, but no need to do the same to the reader.
Calm it down a little.
8225969
The pacing is fine
8224527
yo
Must've explained why his current body ended up there at the end
8226260
I would agree with you, if not for the slice of life tag. For example, he walked a short distance from the hospital to his new 'home', and how did he get there? Did he slowly stumble all the way? Did his 'parents' carry or support him? What were his thoughts about them as they walked? How did going from a sterile hospital to the outdoors affect his new sense of smell and hearing?
Skipping right to the action is a bit more like an adventure story.
8227292
You're definitely right that some of the tags may be misplaced on this story. As of right now, all of them are subject to change, and I will be changing them once I better map out the narrative. The biggest change would be from Slice of Life to Adventure; but I honestly don't think either tag is entirely accurate.
As far as the pacing of the story goes, it is certainly very fast paced in the introduction. Whether or not this is a bad thing, I honestly have no idea. I've had people give me feedback in both directions.
Thanks for providing your feedback. Every opinion is valuable.
8227468
For the Adventure/Slice of Life issue - There is a reason that Slice of Life and Adventure are mutually exclusive. Good Adventure stories always have elements of Slice of Life. But Slice of Life stories do not contain adventure.
So, if you are having doubts on which applies more, I'd side with Adventure.
Of course, this is just friendly advice. It doesn't really matter either way for me.
8227772
I've decided to change the tag to Adventure based on all the recommendations I've been given. I definitely think that this makes more since considering the direction the story is going.
Thanks for the input.
8227292
If anything that adds to the mood. The part you're talking about is written
It gives the feeling that his "parents" were rushing him home which adds to the suspicion we already feel from them and makes more sense after we learn of their true nature.
Though I do agree that Slice of Life does not fit this story up to this point. It feels more like an Adventure type story but as the author said here, 8227468 neither really fit perfectly.
But such is the way with tags I guess.
Oh, and yeah the pacing is fine.
8225598
To be honest, that cliche comes with the territory, it's a good way to establish the concept of the protagonist trying to keep his past a secret. Also, it's probably the most realistic depiction of what would happen. Colt gets a head injury, they bring him to a hospital, he makes up a story about being from another dimension. Of course the first pony he speaks to will be a doctor (or a nurse, and then subsequently a doctor), and the doctor probably won't believe the colt.
Well then, why a hospital in the first place?
From a narrative perspective, it serves many purposes. First, it is a good place for the protagonist to get acclimated to the new world. Second, Arty's "parents" need to be able to find him and do their thing pretending to be his parents. You could also have this same thing in a police station, and he could talk to a police officer, who wouldn't believe him (though not recommended as concussions are serious lol).
Aaaaaaaaaanyways, my point is that sure it's a trope that's used a lot, maybe even overused, but there's a reason. Maybe the way he entered the world is important to the story? I'd say it is especially considering it was Twilight who carried him to the hospital, the author was sure to let our protagonist know this meaning Twilight will probably be a character soon. This interaction with Twilight was a result of him being unconscious from him arriving in Equestria, so the next step is him being brought to a hospital. And then he talks to a doctor, and then he tells them about his past because he's: a) shocked, b) wants to get home, c) scared. So the reason I was talking about, (yes I know I take a while to get to the point) is that it is realistic.
Wait did I already say that?
I should just put a fucking tl;dr
tl;dr It's used a lot because it's a realistic and handy way to introduce conflict, characters, and a setting.
There we go
8228166
NEEEEEEEERD!!!! Also it still doesn't really excuse the narrow mindedness of said professional. A psychiatrist or physiology guy should be also able to determined if a persona is be honest or really just making shit up, judging by tone, expressions and body language. Or go with the easy route and use a laying detecting spell.
The author already has offered the idea that Equestrias knowledge about stuff like that is YEARS behind earth which could explain the doctors blindness.
But whatever I just want to RAGE so let me RAGE. I need a new table.
8228783
"No Pressure."
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8230018
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