Artemio Baldarich has always led a successful and entrepreneurial lifestyle. At the young age of 23 he seems to have the rest of his life planned out with his role as a computer scientist for a defense contractor in southern California.
Arty’s plans however encounter a major roadblock when a test on a missile defense system leads to him being mysteriously transported to a foreign world beyond anything he ever thought was possible.
Not only is he very disoriented, but he must also deal with the fact that all the creatures around him seem to think that he is a young child based on the body that he now inhabits. Hopefully he will be able to find a way to use his knowledge of his world to build a new life for himself and find a way home.
Edit 6/8/2017: Story was featured apparently. Never thought this would happen, especially so soon, but it’s pretty cool that it did. I’m a novice to writing and I truly hope that I can improve my writing style as I contribute more to this story. Thank you to everyone who has left feedback for me, it is much appreciated.
Edit 6/14/2017: We have an editor now! Feel free to check them out: Doctor Disco.
Edit 7/07/2017: Taming Equestria now has official cover art done by the talented Mix-up! Check out his work on Deviant Art here.
Embrace you humanity Arty! Hopefully if you stick to your guns they will eventually believe you.
8217440
Thanks for being the first person to ever reply to something I have posted. Made me smile a little.
Added to chart: Probable meat eater and possible cannibal.... Maybe he was raised by gryphons? lol
I... hate these kinds of stories; the worst of them being “Oh, To Be Old Again.”
8217645
I definitely understand why some people wouldn’t like this niche of storytelling. There are certainly some tropes that I would hope to avoid. Everyone’s got their own thing I suppose. Regardless, thanks for the feedback.
this is going to be a good story
Well, I can’t say that I haven’t seen this premise before, but this could be an interesting story to follow and see how you will develop the story. I think you could use more figure of speech or expressions in your writing. I always like it when then main protagonist tries to convince others around that he is an ape form an other planet only to be taken as crazy by the professionals. The main issue that I have is that other then he looks like pony don’t really know how looks like or what tribe of pony the main character has become.
8218394
I certainly agree that I need to work on integrating more metaphors, similes, figures of speech, idioms, etcetera into my writing. I originally had some that i threw away because they sounded too forced or awkward the way I had written them. I attempted to imply that the main character is a unicorn by hinting at the magical surge in the incident report, but I understand that I probably should have been more explicit. I was originally going to have a scene in this chapter where he would see exactly what he looks like but decided to push it off to the second chapter to keep the flow of the conversation. So don’t worry it’s coming!
I checked out your artwork on deviant, and I’ve got to say you have some really impressive work. Thanks for the feedback!
Ha! He thinks he wants his true age now? Wait ‘til he realizes he gets to go through PUBERTY all over again!
And he isn’t lying. Where are your parents? He doesn’t know where he is, how can he tell them where his parents are? The proper answer is, “at home.” Where is home? Give them the address! They will never find it! No lies needed.
Why don’t you know things every pony does? Didn’t grow up here (Equestria). Grew up in another land far, far away.
And so on and so forth.
Nice writing, though. Needs a bit more on his reactions. His reactions are too level. He should be borderline terrified/near panic. Also, very clumsy. Not used to four vs two legs. In fact, he might find it easier to walk on two legs and revert to that all the time without thinking about it!
Think about it, though. When you get out of bed you put you feet first and stand up -- that’s what he would do. His balance might not be the greatest, at first, but his human training would quickly take over. It would freak everyone out to see him always on his rear legs, but for him he wouldn’t notice until it was mentioned. Unless he was in a crowd then he’d notice the height difference. In the meantime he’d get compliments on his posture and balance abilities.
You should also give more descriptions of the ponies. He would especially note the different colors of coats and manes, and the fact that the ponies were wearing CLOTHES. Stranger in a Strange Land, he’s going to be noticing EVERYTHING that’s different and the same as he expects.
The meatloaf remark is symptomatic of that mindset -- we just need to see a bit more of it.
8219153
Thank you for praising my art, I try to do my very best on that front. For the other expression stuff it will come more naturally over time, you just need to keep at it more. Also, if you keep working hard on your story, you might find yourself with a surprise, just ask around to see what I mean.
Good luck
8219281
You’re definitely right; I need to try to put my mind into the perspective of the character. Overall Arty is meant to have a very analytical and forward thinking mindset. His poor reactions are meant to be slip-ups, but I am certain that he will have more of them. Over the next few chapters I will be dealing more with his adaptation to the new body/environment. As of right now all he has seen is the inside of this one hospital room and he still doesn't know what he himself looks like.
Thanks for the pointers! I will be sure to implement feedback as I continue forward with the story.
8219321
Oooo Mysterious. I like it!
Second chapter should be up today if it gets approved.
8219361
Please, take your time for writing and review your own work, don’t rush things. I much prefer quality stories that develop the main character and his interactions of those around him. I love details, introspection and that the character is as much driven by his flaws as his strengths; bland characters are so dull.
I swear to Everything is holy that your cliffhangers are going to be the death of me
8220106
Maybe I'll cool it on the cliffhangers... or will I?
8220152
Still good story either way
8220152
ITS A TRAP!
Poor guy. If he has pony "parents", it probably means that he hijacked foal's body. This, in turn, probably means that the 10yo foal is wrecking his career back home right now…
8220301
I kinda hope they show up and are like. “this is not my colt.” Or He asks questions that make them act really shifty and they figure out they are not his parents and are like traffickers or something to be thrown in jail....... But I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.... What a twist!
Artemio Baldarich Is based off of Artemis Fowl from the Artemis Fowl series, right?
8220395
No unfortunately not, I can see where you would get the idea from though. Excellent series of novels.
I hope Arty will get these posers in trouble. Let's see how they handle when he fakes out a trust password on them.
8220553
Huh, I didn't know what a 'Trust Password' was until I just looked it up. Learn something new everyday.
amazing story, it’s going great places.
First problem: at the very beginning, each of the two characters do this thing where “Character A says some dialogue,” then either thinks or acts.
“Then Character A continues dialogue,” in a separate paragraph. Which is very jarring and confusing, because typically, unless their dialogue is unusually long, the reader instinctually expects a new paragraph to represent the beginning of the opposing character responding, not the same character continuing. This is the reason why it is possible for a reader to identify which of two characters engaged in conversation are speaking in any given paragraph with no dialogue tags whatsoever. (ie,” Applejack said).
Minor fix, at any rate.
Also, on one hoof, this story - on the surface - looks like an ‘Oh to be old again’ knockoff... on the other hoof, it looks like an ‘Oh to be old again’ knockoff with a fresh start!. Hopefully this one won’t get sidetracked and turn into an overcomplicated, over-narrated, derailed pile of words that lost all of my interest. Because honestly, the bare concept and situation is still quite unique and full of potential.
So, I’m glad you just skipped over the whole bit of Arty waking up in horse form. Cuz, let’s be honest, that trope is so fucking overdone it’s not even burnt to a crisp, it’s just ash at the bottom of the pan.
‘someponies’ shouldn’t be one word. It’s “it’s.” Also, there should technically be commas before ‘ honey’ and ‘I suppose.’ However one thing that people always seem to ignore is that there are, in fact, different schools of grammar. So it’s not really wrong, per se.
8221124
The point you brought up about the dialogue makes a lot of sense to me now that I think about it. To be honest the first section of this story is the one that I like the least; I may just rewrite parts of it. I knew something was off about it, but I couldn’t really put a finger on what it was. I will definitely make an attempt to adhere to this principle in the future.
I’ve fixed this one three times now. I thought it was a bug, but it turns out that you need to click the edit button again to save changes made to the story.
I have a few tricks up my sleeve to hopefully make this story more original and interesting to read. The main reason I chose this genre is because most of the stories I’ve read, minus a select few, gave me what I was looking for in regards to the concept.
I need to take a look at this section of dialogue.
I’m glad that somebody picked up on this reference. That one is mostly a jab at myself because I used to be a furry once upon a blue moon.
Thanks for all the recommendations. I now have a better idea of what I should do with the opening scene to make it flow more naturally.
This looks pretty good I hope for a update soon :)
8221698
8221619
Worry not, chapter 3 is on the way! Hopefully should be ready by tonight or tomorrow.
love the story can't wait to see the new chapters this is has amazing potential
oh. ohhh. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
This is going to be one of those stories.
Neat.
I can't wait to see who the parents end up being...
I betting changelings in disguise because of Nurse Redheart leaving...and then suddenly she's there again...I'm betting all of my cookies on it.
Interesting second chapter. I wonder how are those ponies who clam to be his parents of the main character, if the body is that of an other pony, they there must be recored of the colt somewhere with the Crown, I hope it is not his pony analogue of his human family. If it is not, then they are imposers and I wonder why they would be interested in him for some reason. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Loving the story so far. For the first story you are doing an amazing job and I hope you keep at it.
And I hope you don't me pointing out a couple of things that you might want to fix/update:
PS: English is not my first language and the corrections above might be off.
8222257
You were right on both accounts. Thanks for the help!
What a Twist!
theoverlookedonlookers.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/what-a-twist-caption1.gif
Nani?
Interest grows
8222361
fragglepuss.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/cantunderstandhusband02.png?w=350&h=200&crop=1
Of course he's a PC gamer!
W-wait, what...?
You... what... sister...?
P.S. That made me do loops in the air for how well handled this was. But I've also noticed that your dialogue is off by a bit. If I may, I can offer myself as a proofreader and editor! I'm particularly good in grammar and spelling so I could help you out a lot, and it doesn't look like anyone's asked you either. So you say this is your first venture into writing fiction? Well I dare say it's a fantastic start, but it looks like you'll need a little help getting started.
Anyways, fantastic, and good job on first story-first feature double whamee! Woohoo! I know I would've loved to have that when I joined, but hey, what can you do?
It is not unusual for people with ANY kind of head trauma, no matter how trivial it might seem, that if they lose consciousness they also lose memory of their accident. What happens appears to be that when the brain unexpectedly goes unconscious the information stored in short-term memory waiting for long-term storage is LOST. Not misfiled to be remembered or dreamed about later, but simply permanently lost because it was never moved to long-term memory, The more severe the head blow, the more severe the memory loss.
There is a famous criminal case where a woman was attacked in central park in the evening and they thought she might die (she was hit in the head with a rock during the crime). She doesn't remember anything about that day. She remembers going to bed the night before and then waking in the hospital. Her friends testified that she went to work and after work told them she was going jogging, which she did on a regular basis.
BOY HOWDY BUT I SURE COULD GO FOR SOME MURDERED GROUND UP COWS MIXED UP WITH GARDEN HERBS, BREAD CRUMBS, AND EGG, PLACED IN A BREAD PAN LIKE SOME KINDA DEATH MEAT DOUGH AND COVERED WITH TOMATER SAUCE AND CHEDDA AN SOME PARSLY, THEN BAKED TO PERFECTION, FLOODING THE WHOLE ROOM WITH THE LOVELY SMELL OF BURNING FLESH MMM MM.
Something fishy going on here!
8222405
A twin bed is only twin sized. They're named because hotels used to put two of them in a room, giving god-fearing, chaste, married, heterosexual couples an option of twin beds or one double bed. So blooming idiots figured that if two of them are called twin beds, one of them must be called a twin bed. Then English teachers started assuming that it was an idea smart people thought up. And that's how English was made!
Now a bunk bed, that'd be some clever foreshadowing.
8221454
You know, it's always a great feeling when someone gets the references you're putting down. Especially after nobody's mentioned it for a while. Cuz I mean, I've written some pretty obvious ones that took months for somebody to clue into.
What a nice story start! I love when a story about an educated OC can actually sound like it is being told from the perspective of an educated person. No offense to other authors who can't pull off that tone, but I think writing a character with your own background makes it come across as all the more genuine.
As much as people in STEM like to degrade computer scientists as not being as capable with real engineering/inventing as computer engineers, I think the heavy focus on the theory and metaphysical will serve your character well as an Equestrian inventor. After all - he is a unicorn now. I imagine he will work with magic, rather than simply electrical engineering.
8222554
I was already chuckling at the end of the chapter. Immediately seeing this in the comments turned it into a full-blown laugh. Well done.
Are you sure, Arty? I'm pretty certain that going from human to young, miniature pony would involve some rather severe muscle atrophy. But what do I know? Maybe he was just short to begin with.
Another chapter of quality work! The flashback was done well; you didn't put it in a weird place and it was clearly separated from the rest of the chapter with that page break. I look forward to reading more of this!
8222554
True story, I decided to make a meatloaf the night that I wrote the first chapter. It was delicious!
I guess I planted the idea in my own head.
8222967
Thanks for the feedback! I honestly can't believe how many people have checked out my story over the last few days. What started out as a personal project to improve my writing has turned into so much more than that. I've never really been a part of this community; I've always been a lurker when it comes to MLP content. But now after being apart of it for just a few days I can honestly say that I wish I had contributed earlier. I honestly don't think my writing is that good; I always feel like there is something I should be doing to make it more entertaining. I guess that's half the fun in writing though; you always know that there is more that you can do to improve your style.
Thank you to everyone who checked this out. Really made my week
Oh, and chapter three has been written and will be dropping today. I am just taking the time to make sure that the chapter is well ironed out before I post it. More interesting stuff to come!
Alright, I'll see what I can do.
Ok, first off, "Asked my assailant." is not a sentence. The question mark should be treated as a comma.
I am just going to point out these three even though the issue is systemic; all these periods should be commas and the following word non-capitalized. Dialog tags (words like said, replied, asked, questioned, ect.) are treated as part of the dialog sentence. Here's a little longer explanation about dialog. If the character is doing another action while talking, the dialog stands as a sentence on its own.
Example: "Well I never!" Rarity fell away in shock from Pinkie's joke box.
Is this the word you intended to use?
Capitalize nurse, it's a title.
Structurally, everything is pretty good apart from the issue with punctuation around dialog tags. The narration though; that feels a little dialog heavy. It is hard to point out specific things that need a correction or give examples. There needs to be more descriptors though, facial changes, small things like a hoof wave when talking. Stuff like that should be sprinkled in to make the reader able to paint a picture in their mind. It is kind of a hard balance to hit at first. I can see that other commenters have already noted this as a place to work on.