Chapter 1: A New Perspective
“And then what happened?” asked my assailant; his white hoof waving me to continue.
“Fuck if I know,” I stated; irritated with his tone of questioning. “Next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital bed with this crippled body.” I paused for a moment; considering my next statement very carefully. “And I reacted to this change of state as anybody would have…” I finished a bit sheepishly.
“Watch how you speak youngin,” he scolded. “I know you have been through a lot, and clearly are having memory issues, but that is no excuse to use such vulgarity.” He shot me a look that showed that he was irritated, yet understanding of my situation.
“Sorry Mr…” I trailed off; clearly querying for a name.
“Helping Hooves,” he replied; a light smile creeping across on his face.
“Name’s Artemio Baldarich, but you can call me Arty if you would prefer,” I replied, holding out a foreign appendage in greeting.
“A pleasure.” He bumped his front hoof gently into my own, while continuing to hold onto his clipboard with his other leg. “So let me get this straight,” he responded after a short silence. “What you’re telling me is that you are some sort of inter-dimensional being that was transported here as a result of a wicked science experiment gone wrong?” he asked incredulously. I could see that this conversation was going nowhere fast.
“I know how it sounds…” I answered; looking down at my new body as if it would hold the evidence I needed to prove my alibi.
“That must have been one heck of a hit that you took back there son,” he replied; clearly recording the information down on my charts as we were having this conversation.
“Why do you keep talking to me that way?” I finally asked, noting his constant inflections.
“Like what?” he responded. “This is how I normally talk to my younger patients, especially after they have been through a traumatic incident such as this,” he stated; assuming the answer was obvious.
“Younger? I know I’m not ancient, but I’m certainly no spring chicken myself,” I said with conviction.
I’m 23 for Christ’s sake. I thought to myself in disbelief. He certainly sounded older, but he was treating me like I just fell out of the womb, and to be honest it felt a bit degrading.
“What come on, there’s no way that you’re older than-“ He looked me over for a quick assessment. “-ten or eleven years old at best,” he concluded with a patronizing undertone.
It appeared that he noticed my glare, and in response he appended another statement to make up for his misstep. “I’m sorry if I have made you uncomfortable,” he said with sincerity, as he looked away from my bed for a moment. “It’s just that it’s not every day that we come across a foal that has been knocked unconscious in the middle of the town with no parental figures to be found.”
“Middle of town… parental figures…” I repeated to myself, as if futilely attempting to jog my memory on something I had absolutely no recollection of.
“Yes, yes,” he interrupted my thinking. “We will have plenty of time to figure out what exactly happened, but I need you to get back to answering my questions please.” He quietly taped his pencil against the clipboard that he had been holding onto during our entire conversation. I wondered to myself how exactly he was holding the utensil with flat hooves, but quickly abandon the thought process as I observed his slightly agitated stare.
“Very well then,” he continued; quickly glancing down at the papers being held in place by the clipboard. “Can you tell me where your parents might be or how we may attempt to contact them?”
“Uhhh….” I paused for a moment to give myself some time to think.
What am I going to tell this guy? I knew that I needed to pick an angle and stick to it otherwise none of these ponies would ever believe a word that I said. I considered attempting to stick to the truth once more, but realized that if I were in his situation I would never trust the ravings of a child that clearly just went through a traumatic event. I really didn’t want to be marked as mentally unstable before I even had a chance to analyze the situation that was forced upon me.
This line of thinking led me to a new plan of action that should hopefully buy me at least a little time; especially while they think I’m still potentially injured and suffering from a mental block. If I couldn’t tell them the truth, then I would just obfuscate my background and claim ignorance on past events due to my inability to recall what happened before the incident; an incident that I still knew very little about.
“I’m sorry sir but I can’t really remember,” I responded quietly.
“Not even a name or a town of residence?” He asked; clearly a little more worried about my current health than he was before.
“No, sorry,” I stated simply.
“Well then…” He paused for a brief moment. “Is there anything that you can remember that doesn’t involve aliens or strange science experiments?” he asked hopefully.
I felt a little guilty about lying to him, but I knew that if I didn’t the consequences could be dire. I would rather not spend my days in this foreign world on the inside of an insane asylum.
“Sorry sir, I unfortunately cannot remember anything from before I woke up screaming,” I replied calmly. I could hear the faint beeping of my heart monitor rise ever so slightly as I answered.
“Very well,” he said with a hint of disappointment. “Hopefully your memory will come back to you after you have been awake for a bit longer.” He placed the clipboard delicately on the table next to the bed that I was currently occupying. “How are you feeling? Do you need anything?” he asked with concern.
“No I think I’ll be…” I began to reply, but quickly changed my mind after noting the intense dryness in my throat; likely due to all the screaming from earlier. “A glass of water would be nice,” I responded with a timid smile.
“Of course! You must be parched after being out for three days; an IV can only get you so far,” he said as a matter of fact.
“Three days?” I replied; a bit shocked with the new piece of information.
I knew that I must have been out for awhile based on the nature of my injuries, but three days seemed a bit extreme. Maybe the crossover did more damage to my body than I had thought? I considered to myself.
“Yes, roughly 76 hours to be exact,” he concluded after glancing at the clock hanging from the wall behind me. “We were worried that you may never wake up; your magic was severely drained when you were brought in on the back of that mare,” he said with a hint of sadness.
I shook my head to ensure that I heard him correctly. “My magic was drained!?” I asked in confusion.
“Yes, but don’t worry about that, you seem to have mostly recovered from your magical surge,” he said with a reassuring smile. “But enough of the questions, allow me to have a nurse bring you some refreshments before we continue; It looks as though you could clearly use it.” He quickly exited the room, leaving his clipboard and stethoscope behind.
What the hell? Not only did I wake up in a different body on a completely different planet; at least I assumed. But I am also an injured child that was clearly wounded after I was unwittingly transported here. Think Art, think. Claiming ignorance would only get me so far, I needed to gather more information about my current predicament.
I looked over to my side and saw the clipboard that the doctor left behind. My eyebrows rose and I shrugged in indifference as I quietly grabbed the clipboard off the side of the table.
“Let’s see here…” I murmured to myself as I flipped over the cover of the packet that I held in my hooves.
Hospital Patient Survey
Hospital: Ponyville General
Patient Name: Artemio Baldarich (Arty)
Patient Age: Unknown, Likely 9-11 years of age
Nature of Visit: Patient was found unconscious in the town square with various scratches and scrapes, as well as smoke coming from his horn. Passerby’s claimed that they observed a blinding green flash followed by a loud thud on the cobblestone. Injury is assumed to likely be due to a magical surge, although the cause is unknown and such an event is uncommon in somepony so young.
Additional Notes: Patient appears to have issues remembering events that happened prior to the incident and cannot recall basic facts about why he is here or where his family is. Upon waking up the patient was extremely disorientated and began screaming when one of our nurses went in to check on him. After calming down, the patient told an account about how he is an inter-dimensional traveler that arrived here due to a mishap in some sort of science laboratory. It is unclear whether the patient made this up out of shock, or if he is more mentally affected by the surge than we had originally thought. More information is needed before an assessment can be made.
Assigned Physician: Doctor Helping Hooves
Well that information was disconcerting to say the least. I thought to myself.
Apparently upon being transported here I was severely injured by the blast, and the residents of this town thought that it was due to something that they call a magical surge.
Surely they can’t be serious. I reflected in disbelief.
Maybe magic here meant something different than it did back home. As a man who had been studying science and mathematics his whole life, I found it hard to believe that such a thing would be possible; but then again I never thought my current situation would be possible either.
As I was in the middle of gathering my thoughts, I heard a faint knock at the door opposite my bed, and a timid voice crept through the door frame. Upon hearing the voice, I quickly put the clipboard back on the bedside table; I really didn’t want to raise any more suspicion about my mental state.
“Hello there young colt! I’m glad to hear that you are feeling a little better now.” A young mare with a white coat and light pink mane walked through the door pushing a small cart that contained what I assumed must be the refreshments. “I hope you are ready for some dinner.” She smiled lightly at me as she walked forward with the cart. I could immediately tell that this mare must have a kind disposition.
“Thank you very much, and I’m really sorry for screaming at you earlier. I was not in the right state of mind,” I replied, feeling quite bad about the way I reacted earlier.
“Don’t worry dear. I understand it must be very jarring to wake up in a hospital room without remembering how you got here,” she responded as she gently put her hoof to my forehead. I was a bit startled at first, but then I realized that she must just be checking for a fever.
“I’m nurse Redheart by the way,” she added as she removed her hoof from my forehead. “You just let me know if you ever need anything okay?” she reminded me as she walked over and wrote something down on the clipboard next to my bed.
“Thank you Ms. Redheart. I appreciate what you are doing to help me,” I replied sincerely.
“Aww such a sweet young colt,” she gushed with a warm smile. “Your parents must be raising you well,” she said with a wink.
I winced a little at that statement; mostly because I wasn’t really sure how to reply. I mean sure my parents really were wonderful people, if a bit strict at times. However despite this, I hadn’t lived with them since I moved away for school when I was seventeen years old.
The Nurse took notice of my look and graced me with a kind smile. “Don’t you worry about that honey, I’m sure that we will be able to contact them soon once you are feeling a little better. We already have ponies out searching for them in the surrounding area.”
I knew that there was nobody out there for them to find, but I kept my mouth shut anyways. I’d cross that bridge when I got to it. For now, I just needed to bide my time as I recovered from my injuries.
“Now then.” She looked over to the large covered dish sitting on the cart that she had just pushed into the room. “How’s about we get you a nice meal. You must be starving!”
Now that she mentioned it I was actually quite famished. I supposed that it wouldn’t hurt to try out whatever it is that they serve in this hospital. I’ve never known hospital food to ever be any good, but who knows; different world different rules.
As soon as she uncovered the dish, the scent of the meal instantly permeated through the small room. The aroma was quite heavenly and I could immediately recognize that the meal was mashed potatoes with gravy. I also spotted a delicious looking corn muffin off to the side of the dish.
“Now I know it’s not a lot of food, but we can’t be having you eat too much after you’ve been out for so long,” she explained before she grabbed the tray with her mouth and carefully set in on my lap. “But don’t worry, we will have you back to normal in no time.”
“Don’t worry I understand,” I replied quickly; my eyes fixated on the delicious looking food sitting just inches from my muzzle.
I noticed the lack of eating utensils, but could hardly be bothered to care considering how hungry I was. As I took my first mouthful of the meal that had been laid out in front of me, my mouth watered at how delicious the food tasted. I wasn’t sure if the food was legitimately good, or if I was just starving, but at this point I no longer cared as I quickly wolfed down the food in front of me.
“My, My!” Nurse Redheart chuckled as I finished off the remaining morsels of food left on my plate. “Somepony must have been hungry.” She smirked when she saw the food that now coated my chin.
I blushed slightly at her comments as I used the napkin she handed me to wipe off my now soiled chin. What can I say, I was starving.
“Sorry about that. The food was great,” I explained after wiping myself off.
Redheart chuckled softly again as she removed the tray from my temporary bed. “I’m glad to hear that honey. Some ponies aren’t the biggest fans of the food we serve here, but I eat it everyday and agree that its actually quite good,” she said honestly. “Some ponies just get weirded out when they think of being served food made in a hospital, I suppose.” She gave me a shrug to show that she didn’t quite understand.
I nodded, completely understanding the sentiment. “Yeah the food was pretty delicious, a bit heavy on the carbs though,” I replied, noting how full my stomach now was. “Would have gone great with some meatloaf,” I added off-handedly.
After a few moments, I noticed the stillness that now permeated the sterile room. Nurse Redheart was looking back at me absolutely stunned. Her eyes were wide with fear as if I had personally slapped her in the face. I looked back at her in confusion, not quite comprehending what caused her sudden shift in mood.
“I’m sorry… I need to go,” she finally responded after giving an uncomfortable look and quickly dashing out of the room.
At this point I was absolutely stunned. What did I do wrong here? I thought everything was going quite well. After a few moments of contemplation, I suddenly realized where I had made my error in judgement.
“Meatloaf…” I repeated to myself; eyes wide with comprehension.
“What have I done.”
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Embrace you humanity Arty! Hopefully if you stick to your guns they will eventually believe you.
8217440
Thanks for being the first person to ever reply to something I have posted. Made me smile a little.
Added to chart: Probable meat eater and possible cannibal.... Maybe he was raised by gryphons? lol
I... hate these kinds of stories; the worst of them being “Oh, To Be Old Again.”
8217645
I definitely understand why some people wouldn’t like this niche of storytelling. There are certainly some tropes that I would hope to avoid. Everyone’s got their own thing I suppose. Regardless, thanks for the feedback.
this is going to be a good story
Well, I can’t say that I haven’t seen this premise before, but this could be an interesting story to follow and see how you will develop the story. I think you could use more figure of speech or expressions in your writing. I always like it when then main protagonist tries to convince others around that he is an ape form an other planet only to be taken as crazy by the professionals. The main issue that I have is that other then he looks like pony don’t really know how looks like or what tribe of pony the main character has become.
8218394
I certainly agree that I need to work on integrating more metaphors, similes, figures of speech, idioms, etcetera into my writing. I originally had some that i threw away because they sounded too forced or awkward the way I had written them. I attempted to imply that the main character is a unicorn by hinting at the magical surge in the incident report, but I understand that I probably should have been more explicit. I was originally going to have a scene in this chapter where he would see exactly what he looks like but decided to push it off to the second chapter to keep the flow of the conversation. So don’t worry it’s coming!
I checked out your artwork on deviant, and I’ve got to say you have some really impressive work. Thanks for the feedback!
Ha! He thinks he wants his true age now? Wait ‘til he realizes he gets to go through PUBERTY all over again!
And he isn’t lying. Where are your parents? He doesn’t know where he is, how can he tell them where his parents are? The proper answer is, “at home.” Where is home? Give them the address! They will never find it! No lies needed.
Why don’t you know things every pony does? Didn’t grow up here (Equestria). Grew up in another land far, far away.
And so on and so forth.
Nice writing, though. Needs a bit more on his reactions. His reactions are too level. He should be borderline terrified/near panic. Also, very clumsy. Not used to four vs two legs. In fact, he might find it easier to walk on two legs and revert to that all the time without thinking about it!
Think about it, though. When you get out of bed you put you feet first and stand up -- that’s what he would do. His balance might not be the greatest, at first, but his human training would quickly take over. It would freak everyone out to see him always on his rear legs, but for him he wouldn’t notice until it was mentioned. Unless he was in a crowd then he’d notice the height difference. In the meantime he’d get compliments on his posture and balance abilities.
You should also give more descriptions of the ponies. He would especially note the different colors of coats and manes, and the fact that the ponies were wearing CLOTHES. Stranger in a Strange Land, he’s going to be noticing EVERYTHING that’s different and the same as he expects.
The meatloaf remark is symptomatic of that mindset -- we just need to see a bit more of it.
8219153
Thank you for praising my art, I try to do my very best on that front. For the other expression stuff it will come more naturally over time, you just need to keep at it more. Also, if you keep working hard on your story, you might find yourself with a surprise, just ask around to see what I mean.
Good luck
8219281
You’re definitely right; I need to try to put my mind into the perspective of the character. Overall Arty is meant to have a very analytical and forward thinking mindset. His poor reactions are meant to be slip-ups, but I am certain that he will have more of them. Over the next few chapters I will be dealing more with his adaptation to the new body/environment. As of right now all he has seen is the inside of this one hospital room and he still doesn't know what he himself looks like.
Thanks for the pointers! I will be sure to implement feedback as I continue forward with the story.
8219321
Oooo Mysterious. I like it!
Second chapter should be up today if it gets approved.
8219361
Please, take your time for writing and review your own work, don’t rush things. I much prefer quality stories that develop the main character and his interactions of those around him. I love details, introspection and that the character is as much driven by his flaws as his strengths; bland characters are so dull.
First problem: at the very beginning, each of the two characters do this thing where “Character A says some dialogue,” then either thinks or acts.
“Then Character A continues dialogue,” in a separate paragraph. Which is very jarring and confusing, because typically, unless their dialogue is unusually long, the reader instinctually expects a new paragraph to represent the beginning of the opposing character responding, not the same character continuing. This is the reason why it is possible for a reader to identify which of two characters engaged in conversation are speaking in any given paragraph with no dialogue tags whatsoever. (ie,” Applejack said).
Minor fix, at any rate.
Also, on one hoof, this story - on the surface - looks like an ‘Oh to be old again’ knockoff... on the other hoof, it looks like an ‘Oh to be old again’ knockoff with a fresh start!. Hopefully this one won’t get sidetracked and turn into an overcomplicated, over-narrated, derailed pile of words that lost all of my interest. Because honestly, the bare concept and situation is still quite unique and full of potential.
So, I’m glad you just skipped over the whole bit of Arty waking up in horse form. Cuz, let’s be honest, that trope is so fucking overdone it’s not even burnt to a crisp, it’s just ash at the bottom of the pan.
‘someponies’ shouldn’t be one word. It’s “it’s.” Also, there should technically be commas before ‘ honey’ and ‘I suppose.’ However one thing that people always seem to ignore is that there are, in fact, different schools of grammar. So it’s not really wrong, per se.
Loving the story so far. For the first story you are doing an amazing job and I hope you keep at it.
And I hope you don't me pointing out a couple of things that you might want to fix/update:
PS: English is not my first language and the corrections above might be off.
BOY HOWDY BUT I SURE COULD GO FOR SOME MURDERED GROUND UP COWS MIXED UP WITH GARDEN HERBS, BREAD CRUMBS, AND EGG, PLACED IN A BREAD PAN LIKE SOME KINDA DEATH MEAT DOUGH AND COVERED WITH TOMATER SAUCE AND CHEDDA AN SOME PARSLY, THEN BAKED TO PERFECTION, FLOODING THE WHOLE ROOM WITH THE LOVELY SMELL OF BURNING FLESH MMM MM.
What a nice story start! I love when a story about an educated OC can actually sound like it is being told from the perspective of an educated person. No offense to other authors who can't pull off that tone, but I think writing a character with your own background makes it come across as all the more genuine.
As much as people in STEM like to degrade computer scientists as not being as capable with real engineering/inventing as computer engineers, I think the heavy focus on the theory and metaphysical will serve your character well as an Equestrian inventor. After all - he is a unicorn now. I imagine he will work with magic, rather than simply electrical engineering.
8222554
I was already chuckling at the end of the chapter. Immediately seeing this in the comments turned it into a full-blown laugh. Well done.
Alright, I'll see what I can do.
Ok, first off, "Asked my assailant." is not a sentence. The question mark should be treated as a comma.
I am just going to point out these three even though the issue is systemic; all these periods should be commas and the following word non-capitalized. Dialog tags (words like said, replied, asked, questioned, ect.) are treated as part of the dialog sentence. Here's a little longer explanation about dialog. If the character is doing another action while talking, the dialog stands as a sentence on its own.
Example: "Well I never!" Rarity fell away in shock from Pinkie's joke box.
Is this the word you intended to use?
Capitalize nurse, it's a title.
Structurally, everything is pretty good apart from the issue with punctuation around dialog tags. The narration though; that feels a little dialog heavy. It is hard to point out specific things that need a correction or give examples. There needs to be more descriptors though, facial changes, small things like a hoof wave when talking. Stuff like that should be sprinkled in to make the reader able to paint a picture in their mind. It is kind of a hard balance to hit at first. I can see that other commenters have already noted this as a place to work on.
Some of this is a bit nit-picky about grammar. Sorry about that.
It would be good if we knew what was going on, set-wise. Where are they talking? At first I thought they were talking in a doctor's office, but when the nurse brought in food it felt more like he was in a patient's bed. What does the doctor look like? What does our protagonist look like?
Comma after speak and an apostrophe after youngin.
Missed a question mark.
I would advise against using multiple exclamation or question marks. If you want to make it clear that he's speaking in a shocked tone, maybe replace it with "?!"
A bit repetitive. Either "It looks as though you could use it" or "You could clearly use it".
Little comma needed.
Question mark, unless you wanted to convey some sort of deadpan, rhetorical question.
Looking forward to this story. I like the "Man transforms into child" thing. Always catches my eye when I see it.
Huh.....a story with an adult human in a child pony body whom does not swear 24/7, dose not chain smoke, and tries to work with the situation in a logical manner. Like this story already.
8222554
OH BOY, I'D ALSO LOVE SOME LOVELY PORK ROAST AND YAK STEAK, COURTESY OF PONY MOTHERFUCKING ARBY'S!
For a transfer from academic writing, you are doing quite well.
And HiEs are hard to write in general.
I have to say that it's a bit jarring to have the story start right after he wakes up (I think it would be better to describe the process), but it ended up working fairly well regardless, and you are under no obligation whatsoever to change it.
And it's been a while since I've seen a new (good) HiE.
OK, haven't read the other chapters yet but... Why does nearly everyone believe ponies don't eat meat? They are not hunters, sure, but they are not cows either. Horses do eat meat, they can develop quite the taste for it (like bacon), they just don't depend on it.
Hell, Applejack raises pigs. Only reason to do so is for the meat! And bacon. Bacon deserves it's own mention.
8230018
They can? I know they can eat a variety of things but didn't know about meat.
"Passerby’s" should be "Passers-by"
8222257
"This line of thinking lead me to a new" could be replaced by "This line of thinking led me to a new", if what you were looking for was the past tense of "to lead'.
8230018
8262473
Biologically, yes, both cows and horses are able to eat meat. It's up to the author just what the cultural response is, however. Biologically, we are able to eat grubs, larvae, insects, and carrion, but there's some fairly strong cultural resistance to the idea.
Alright, good start. Ya've hooked me. Now let's see if you can reel me in, Mr Author Pony Guy
Personally, Nurse Redheart from the show didn't struck me as "timid", but I guess she's just being gentle with foal patient who's not recovered from three day coma yet.
8221124
"Skipping the beginning" itself is a common trope, especially among second person and anon stories. But skipping "common HiE parts" in general won't do any story any good. I once read one story that "skipped stuff" so much, it was more like reading brief retelling of a story than a story itself.
If he learns about the gryphons later on, maybe he can troll everypony by saying "Oh, did I forget to mention I was adopted and my adopted parents are gryphons". That probably wouldn't fly for very long though
As far as writing style goes, you can cut it with the ellipses. I'll notice pretty quick when somebody uses '...' multiple times in a chapter. It's not a good stylistic quirk for any writer to have. The same goes with the large amount of 'saidisms'. It is possible to use 'he said' more often than not, or even for a line of dialogue with no corresponding saidism or action when it's reasonably inferrerable which character is speaking when.
8835688
For me, the problem with "saidisms" is that they have a different "shade of meaning" than just saying "said". I'll use the "saidism" if said shade fits, but there's plenty of times when none of those shades do.