Out With the Old
You spend a dozen or so minutes enjoying the sun and listening to the quiet snores coming from the pony in your lap. Your hand rests on her head, thumb lightly rubbing back and forth between her ears. You're mildly surprised that Pinkie can actually stay still for more than a few seconds, even when asleep. When she isn't forcing strangers to have nonconsensual parties, she's downright adorable. Not like normal ponies, who are "cute" in the same way puppies are cute. Pinkie looks almost... innocent? No, she's definitely not innocent. But you can't help but notice how peaceful she looks right now, like she isn't troubled by anything at all.
Your stomach apparently takes that as a challenge and lets out the loudest, deepest, gut-churning gurgle ever produced by a human organ. It's so loud that grandmas everywhere start baking without knowing exactly why—their grandma senses just tell them there's an empty tummy somewhere that needs to be filled.
You tense up, not daring to breathe. Not even a corpse could sleep through that sound, much less the living fusion reactor resting mere inches from your stomach.
The seconds crawl by...
...
...
But nothing happens. Pinkie doesn't even stir.
Huh... She must be a really heavy sleeper. It kind of fits, now that you think about it. Her cocaine/caffeine/sugar high probably wore off, leaving her unable to access the limitless energy of the Pinkosphere.
The idea of Pinkie drawing her power from a separate dimension is absurd enough to make you quietly chuckle, just a little bit. But that little bit is apparently all it takes.
"Whatcha laughin' at, Nonny? Did somepony tell a joke? Did I miss a joke?!" The once-sleeping mare goes from zero to Pinkie Pie instantly, shattering the brief silence you were enjoying.
"No, Pinkie," you sigh. It was nice while it lasted. "No one told a joke."
Pinkie crawls out of your lap and turns to give you a confused look, complete with head tilt and ear twitch. "Really?" she questions. "Then what were you laughing at?"
"I didn't laugh," you half-lie. You didn't actually laugh. Really, all you did was exhale through your nose a bit harder than normal—the traditional display of mild amusement for modern-day humans.
"Yes, you did!" Pinkie accuses.
"Nah."
"Ya-huh!"
"Nope. You must have dreamed it," you say dismissively, standing up to get some circulation back in your legs.
Pinkie raises a hoof and starts to say something, but she hesitates. She sets her hoof down and takes on a look of deep contemplation, thinking about your words. Or chocolate. You can never tell.
"Hmm... I guess I might have dreamed it. It does seem like the kind of dream I would have," she slowly says, nodding her head.
"What do you mean by that?" you ask, not sure if you want to know the answer. Why would a dream about you laughing be considered normal for her?
"It's just-" she hesitates again. "I really like the way you laugh. It's similar to a pony's laugh, but it's so different at the same time. And you don't laugh very often, so..." She shrugs, not meeting your eyes and looking uncomfortable.
What.
"Pinkie, do you remember what I said yesterday in Sugarcube Corner?"
"Don't make it weird?"
You wave a hand. "No, the other thing."
"Uh..." Pinkie scrunches her nose, trying to remember. "Stop being so darned cute?" she guesses, still being cute. The gall of this pony...
"Close enough. Now stop."
"Mmmmmm, nope!" she exclaims before launching herself at your chest and latching on.
"Pinkie."
"Carry me," she demands, wiggling around until she settles in backpack formation. Again.
You remember the good ol' days, back when the spot between your shoulder blades still belonged to you. Now, it appears Pinkie has claimed it for herself.
Screw it, she can have it. You don't want it anyway. All it does is cramp up and itch where you can't reach.
"Fine," you sigh, resigned to your fate. You suppose it's only fitting; people ride horses on Earth, so horses ride people here. "Let's just pick up my clothes and then get lunch, okay?"
"Kay!" your backpack/owner/caretaker/friend cheerfully replies.
Is this what friendship is supposed to be like? If it is, you can only imagine how difficult it must be to have more than one.
Rarity does not look happy.
"I am not happy, Anonymous," she growls.
Damn, you're good. Fifteen points.
"Well, duh!" Pinkie pipes up from her hiding place behind one of Rarity's mannequins. "You're Rarity, ya silly! You didn't forget again, did you?"
Rarity slowly turns her head to face the other pony. You swear you can hear the bones in her neck creaking.
"You aren't in the clear either, Miss Pie," she warns in a shrill whisper. "You allowed this to happen."
Pinkie squeaks and ducks back behind cover. You're still confused about this whole situation. Rarity didn't let you come inside, and now she looks like she wants to bite your head off.
"Yeah, can I get some context here?" you ask. "Why are you so angry?"
Some more creaks, and Rarity's glare is back on you.
"I'm not angry!" Rarity shrieks with absolutely no traces of anger. "You leave my sight for two hours, Anonymous. Two. Hours. And you come back looking even worse than before!"
"Wow, fuck you too," you mutter under your breath.
"What was that?!"
Shitshitshit. "I said... I like your shoes." She isn't wearing shoes.
Ten outta ten. First prize. God of improv right here.
Rarity's not-anger fades for a moment, replaced by confusion and perhaps a bit of concern for your mental health. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she looks back at you, appearing slightly less not-angry than before.
"Anon, you look like you just got back from playing in the mud," she scolds, gesturing to the back of your jeans and shirt. You had put your clothes back on right after getting out of the water, so they got a little wet. Then you sat down in the dirt to watch Pinkie for a while. So yeah, your backside is muddy.
"Well, you look like... stupid," you think silently. Fuckin gottem.
"Hmph, these are far beyond saving, even with skills such as my own," Rarity scoffs while circling you. "Undress so I may properly dispose of such... ugh. And leave your shoes outside; I don't want you tracking mud."
Rolling your eyes, you kick off your shoes and walk inside. Once behind the changing screen, you remove your jeans, socks, and shirt. You then realize you have nothing to change into.
"Can you pass me the new clothes?" you ask. It's such a simple request, but Rarity apparently loves making you suffer.
"You will receive them after I have the old ones. I don't want your new outfit to be contaminated by that disease of fabric." Her voice leaves no room for argument. "Toss them over."
Where did Rarity's pleasant demeanor go? What happened to the sweet mare from before? Did an evil shapeshifter kill the real Rarity and take her place?
You drape everything but your underwear over the side of the screen, hoping she doesn't notice before giving you the new pair first. A blue aura pulls them the rest of the way over. You wait for the new clothing to appear, but nothing happens.
"Rarity?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Can I have my clothes now?"
"Take off your underwear, Anonymous!" she demands loudly, stomping a hoof for emphasis.
You begrudgingly do as you're told, trying to ignore the fact that this is the first time a female actually wanted you to get naked. The blue aura claims another victim, and your reward is a stack of neatly folded clothing. You get dressed as quickly as possible, not even bothering to see what the outfit looks like.
Rarity flings the screen aside right as you finish buttoning your pants. She gives you an appraising look, clearly proud of her work. You take that same moment to finally look at what you shoved yourself into.
It looks... okay? You're not an expert, so they just look like clothes. Pale brown khaki pants, light blue socks, a white button-down shirt, and a pink silk vest. The underwear is hidden, as it should be. It all fits surprisingly well. In fact, it's downright comfy.
"You made this in two hours? From scratch?" You glance over to see Rarity practically glowing with pride.
"But of course, darling. I couldn't possibly allow you to tarnish Canterlot's veneer with the detritus you wore previously," she sniffs.
You're pretty sure she just insulted your mother in French.
"Oh, I almost forgot." She tosses you a light blue ribbon. "Put this on, if you would be so kind."
"Okay, what is it?"
Rarity gives you a cold stare. Her intense gaze makes you feel inadequate in every possible way. You are dirt. You are less than dirt. You should feel honored to even breathe the same air as the mare in front of you.
She blinks, and the spell is broken. You need an adult.
"It's a bow tie, Anonymous," she slowly explains.
"Oh." You continue to hold the bow tie, making no effort to put it on. "Do you have any clip-ons?"
Rarity inhales deeply before exhaling the most dramatic sigh you've ever heard. She shakes her head sadly and walks into her workroom.
"Stallions," she mutters.
While Rarity is shuffling through her organized mess, you notice that Pinkie has been very quiet. Too quiet. You start to search for possible hiding spots before remembering that Pinkie can hide literally anywhere. You pat the top of your head, just to be sure. Nothing.
Well, shit. She's gone forever. At least it was fun while it lasted.
FWOOOOOOOOOOSH
"Jesus tittyfucking Christ, what the fuck was that?!"
"Language!" you hear Rarity's muffled reprimand. "It's just Pinkie; I let her handle the waste disposal."
You rush to the back of the boutique, throwing the door open to reveal a scene that will forever haunt your nightmares. A pillar of blood-red flames roars in front of you, black smoke billowing into the sky. You see demons thrashing back and forth within the inferno—demons that look suspiciously like your old clothes. The chaotic spectacle is almost enough to distract you from the true terror: Pinkie Pie holding a flamethrower, cackling madly.
You slowly close the door and walk back to Rarity.
"Ah, here it is!" she exclaims shortly after you enter her workroom. She turns to you and starts fussing with your collar. "You're lucky you humans are so adorable. I would never let a pony wear a clip-on bow tie in Canterlot."
"Thank you, Rarity," you mumble, unsure if what you witnessed was real or not.
"You are quite welcome, darling." She finishes clipping on your clip-on. "Now, one last thing. I don't have the materials to make you a proper pair of shoes right now, so I made you some temporary slippers."
A pair of brown slippers floats in front of you, encompassed in blue. You grab them out of the air and take a closer look. They're a darker shade of brown than your pants, which you assume is a good thing. You still have no idea what colors match, so you have to trust the judgement of the almighty Fashion Horse.
You drop the slippers onto the ground and cram your feet into them. Oh. They're awful. It feels like you just wrapped a shirt around each foot. You can walk fine, but...
Rarity is looking up at you expectantly, her eyes sparkling.
You feel conflicted. She clearly has no idea how to make shoes for non-hooved feet, but she still tried her best. Hell, she did more than you could've possibly expected in just two hours.
"Well?" Rarity asks, bouncing in anticipation. "How are they?"
"They're... perfect, Rarity. Thank you." You want to kneel down and give her a heartfelt hug, but she'd probably just make a fuss about you getting the pants dirty or something.
Fuck it.
"Eep!" Rarity squeaks when you pick her up and wrap her marshmallow-y body in the huggiest hug you can manage. She flails around weakly for a few seconds before realizing she's being loved on. She then laughs sheepishly and returns your hug.
The awkward part comes when you try to put her down. You let go completely, but she's still hanging on.
"Hey, Rarity?"
"Hm?"
"You wanna let go now?"
"...You're warm."
"I know, right?" Pinkie exclaims, bursting into the room. "Make some room!"
Pinkie jumps onto your back, completing the most unhealthy sandwich in Equestria. You stumble a bit, attempting to pry yourself free. Unfortunately, ponies are made of pure squish and steel; their grips are unbreakable. You have no choice but to wait until they've had their fill.
Fucking ponies, man.
Cotton candy and marshmallow sandwiches are a great way to get instant cavities.
Thank you for being patient, you little sluts. 
I have a somewhat solid plotline that I'm going to follow, so writing will probably be a bit easier now. probably
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Uh, I just learned that spoiler text doesn't hide emojis or emoticons or whatever they're called - the pink heart is clear as day.
I have diabetes now. Well done, good chapter.
Wait, there's a plot incoming? I tought this was just pure sweetness-induced heart attacks, interspaced by witty comments here and there.
Unh. You learn something every day.
Oh, and good chapter too
I feel like something might be wrong with this story if it doesn't eventually turn into a romance.
Type 2 Duabeetus has been contracted, I regret nothing.
I wanna see se pinkie with a flame thrower now
8312200
Pony dawwabities is the best kind, Nony!
I do so hope this little moment is the start of something cuddly. Everypony knows Rarity is the town gossip and now that she finds Anon so deliciously huggable, it won't be long before a lot of the other ponies start giving him sidelong glances, tempted to find out how cuddly a hue-man, er, human, is. Could be good for a running joke...
"Oh yes, Anon. You just had some dust/food/bug on your collar I had to reach up and brush off that only appears to be like a hug, yes, that's it."
"Wait, you're not my long lost Uncle [madeupname] who loves hugs? I must have been mistaken, Anon."
"But this is how I always greet total strangers??? Er, could you also rub behind my ears while you're here?"
8312607
yes but thats not pinkie pie with a flamethower thanks for the attempt tho
If Type 4 diabetes wasn't a thing before, it is now.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
8312743
i think ill pass I like being alive
Loved this chapter and Rarity's reactions! Can't wait for more!!
8312770
Yes im sure I would but better safe then sorry
I wonder if Pinkie is gonna notice that he's wearing her colors. I hope it makes her feel things, happy fluffy things.
Gottem.
Don't you slut shame me! I whore around my body whatever way I feel like it! So fuck you and fuck ya cute feels that eradicate my shit days that memes can only belay for a moment...
8312963
shh bby is ok
8312669 Yeah, I'd like to see that too. Make it so, author!
Or don't. Up to you.
8312249
Anon x Mr. Corner
8313201
I ship it.
Only noticed this cause I was using the text to voice reader.
8313334
fixed, thanky
This is amazing! I hope this fic goes on for a good while. There are to few good Pinkie roms.
8322317
At the pace we're going right now, it'll be a few hundred more chapters before we even reach Canterlot
So good news for you, mixed news for my fingers.
8324468
I totally expect Pinkie to pull out those glasses at some point, maybe if she has to put on her serious pants at some point :P
Also do you HAVE to use such an adorable avatar? My heart can only take so much cute in a given day.
That was super cute!
Well. Now he's done it, he's got him self a new front pack.
Fuckin hell I leave for a tad bit then I have a shit load of chapters to catch up on. By the way Good read
... THATS a thought.
Every other story depicts ponies thinking humans weird, alien, and even freaky. What if they thought us just as endearing?
Wow, I fucking died.
Lookit that, my corpse.
"It's just-" she hesitates again. "I really like the way you laugh."
I smell some romance brewin'! Time to get my hopes up way too high!
Regardless, this is an incredibly cute story that has me chuckling with each chapter.
Heeheehee, excuses Rarity! Excuses, just admit it... you wanna snug him.
Good show!
8325597
I'd honestly love to see that in this, Pinks wearing those glasses, hehehe.
This is cute.
Rarity is great.... in soooo many ways~
Mmm, papi *says it in a moan* XD
OK THIS CHAPTER FUCKING DESTROYED ME X'D
ok the slut line cured me of the gut busting
Lol was that flamethrower bit a reference to the pony mods for Team Fortress 2 where pinkie was the pyro? I mean it would make sense considering you said gottem earlier
So it’s basically like this right?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/6/23/355505__safe_artist-colon-king-dash-kakapo_twilight+sparkle_oc_oc-colon-anon_cute_female_funny_human_male_mare_pony_pony+hat_riding_twiabetes_unicorn_u.png
8324468
Who else first thought of this when Rarity first laid into him?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jOQHxWgfTzU
Reader.exe has suffered a critical laughing error and is not working. Windows can search online for a solution to the problem.
I wish
I probably would have said that out loud?
I think that’s the closest thing to drip we’re ever gonna see in mlp.
The first thing that came to my head was that “wouldn’t let that sh*t happen to me, though” meme.
And at that moment I would have to ask questions.
She understand what he’s saying?
Kinky
Even Kinkier
Am I the only one that would be extremely upset about my clothes, the last thing I have of Earth, being destroyed? Kinda wish he said something.
Now do it in spanish.
And now would be time to GTFO of dodge and make like Chrysalis, and not come back until the end.