This has to be some kind of record. It's been less than an hour since you've crawled out of bed, but your day's limit of pony bullshit has already been passed.
“Why do Ah always have to be on the bottom?”
Twice.
“Because I’m the lightest, and Sweetie would literally break if she tried holding us both.”
“I would not!”
“Would too!”
As you look across the wreckage of your living room, you feel a sense of bittersweet relief that you only own a sparse amount of furniture for the three little hurricanes to break. Or try to break. They're too small to cause a whole lot of damage, but lord almighty are they trying.
Pinkie, for some insane reason, thought it would be a good idea to teach them a new game—a game that involves two pogo sticks, a map of Equestria, green construction paper, and an electric can opener.
"Anon?" Rarity places a hoof on your knee. "May I speak with you for a moment? I have some things I wish to discuss before we leave for Manehattan."
With effort, you tear your eyes away from the unnatural disaster. "Yeah, what’s up?"
Making sure Pinkie and the fillies are still preoccupied with the can opener, Rarity motions you closer and lowers her voice to a whisper. “First off, please keep them away from the Boutique after you pick up your clothes. Sweetie knows what not to touch, but when the three of them are together, they tend to get a little... rowdy.”
That’s it? Just keep the children away from the circus tent? That sounds simple enough.
“Second, if they want you to take part in any of their cutie mark shenanigans, just go with it. They're usually good at avoiding collateral damage, but try to steer them toward less dangerous activities if you can.”
You blink once. Slowly turning your head, you give a pointed look to the tower of pony on your couch. Both pogo sticks are gone, and they somehow have a second can opener now.
Rarity follows your gaze and sighs wearily. “Believe it or not, that’s one of the safer things they’ve done recently.”
You can’t imagine what else they could have done to make this look anything close to safe.
“Third and finally,” she continues, “catapults and other miscellaneous siege weaponry are strictly off-limits, no matter what Apple Bloom says about Granny Smith allowing it.”
Oh. That might be it. You don’t know who Granny Smith is, but she sounds like a very responsible parent. Her kids probably turned out great.
“No circus tent, keep danger to a minimum, no catapults,” you list back. “Seems easy enough.”
Rarity double takes. “What do you mean by ‘no circus tent?’”
Shit. “Circus tent? No, I said, uh... No stir... cement. Yeah. The cement is drying, so no one should stir it. That would be bad. No stir cement.”
Eleven outta ten, perfect save.
“Ooooh, are you two having a staring contest? Who’s winning?”
Pinkie to the rescue. God bless that pink poof horse.
Rarity blinks as if coming out of a trance. 1-0. You finally have a winning record against someone.
“I... I don’t...” Rarity stutters, clearly struggling to cope with her humiliating defeat.
“Yeah, I don’t either,” Pinkie admits. “Come on, Rares! It’s time to go!”
With that, Pinkie launches herself at your chest, almost knocking you to the ground.
“Bye, Nonny! I’ll bring you back a souvenir!”
“Please don’t.”
“Too late!” She squeezes the breath out of you one more time, taking the opportunity to whisper in your ear. “I’ll be back tonight. If anything happens, just tell Gummy, okay?”
Who the fuck is Gummy? “Okay? I guess?”
Pinkie lets go before you can return her hug. “Bye, girls,” she calls with a wave at the fillies. “Have fun! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do without me!”
Rarity rolls her eyes with a smile as she follows Pinkie out the door, giving her own farewells in a much fancier and more fashionable manner.
The door clicks shut.
And just like that, you’re now responsible for three other lives. You can barely manage your own, and that’s with Pinkie’s help. How the hell are you supposed to handle three?
No, you can do this. Just survey the situation. Your living room is dead, but that’s nothing new; it’s just dead and messy now. The girls are alive, so that’s good. Uh... Shit, what else do babysitters do besides that?
“So, uh...” you say, awkwardly meeting their curious stares. “How ya doing?”
Man, you are on a roll this morning.
“Pretty good, Ah guess,” Apple Bloom shrugs.
“Same,” Scootaloo says.
Sweetie Belle raises her hoof silently. You point at her, feeling important despite knowing the truth.
“Mister Anomanis, why are you so tall?”
God damn, why is she so adorable? You must be building up an immunity, because that would normally have you on your knees.
“Just call me Anon. And I’m tall because I, uh... I eat my vegetables.” No you fucking don’t.
“Guess that explains Scoots,” Apple Bloom snickers.
“Hey!”
Before they can start arguing in earnest, you remember that you still need to pick up your clothes. Fucking Rarity making you leave your house. Despicable.
You wave your arms to grab the trio’s attention. “How about we grab my clothes from Rarity’s, and then we can, uh...” You can what?
“We can start on our cutie mark mission for today!” Sweetie Belle finishes.
“Yeah, that. That sounds good.“ As long as you don’t have to move too much. Or at all. Not moving at all would be fantastic.
While making the round trip, you come to understand what their goal is. They want to do as many different things as possible to try to get their special ass tattoos.
Neat.
Laying your new clothes on the couch, you grab the fanciest outfit from the top of the stack.
“What kind of weirdo superhero costume is that?” Scootaloo says, poking your new suit.
You had almost forgotten about the job thing you have next week, whatever it is. You still have no idea what you’ll be doing. Something with that mountain of paper. Ugh. You almost wish you could get a head start so-
An idea takes root in your head. An evil, terrible, scheming idea.
“Hey, girls? Have any of you tried getting a paperwork cutie mark yet?”
Yeah, you’re definitely going to hell.
I can see sweetie belle getting a mark like that
Vaguely complimentary comment.
8658121
Intelligent reply + dick joke
8658128
implied laughter and bro-hoof.
This is a terrible thing to do.
A terrible thing for a terrible person to do.
But oh, how brilliant it will more than likely turn out to be.
I come to this story to feel good, not to get slapped in the face by the cruel palm of reality.
Rushed or not, another funny chapter! It may be short, but I still liked it.
Well, I'm sure nothing bad can happen from working towards a paperwork cutie mark.
Either way, I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Thanks for making this story and this chapter, 2Merr.
I swear I read a papercut cutie mark at first.
Also, I didn't see any error. Does that mean I'm a good person then?
8659447
No, it means you’re even worse.
8659580
Yeah, that's about what I expected.
i still need to know if that ship is sailing or just a misdirect to makes think its one when boom its another Illuminati confirmed
I like how the narrator alternates between complimenting me on my ridiculous bullshit and totally calling me on it. I need that balance in my life.
And my latest plan? Well, fortunately there's no possible way this can backfire.
2.4/10 chapter
Was not insulted by author in the note.
8762617
🤔
I want you to know that this story was the sole reason I created a profile... I had to follow this story as far as it will go. Granted I immediately found other great works, but yours... Yours hooked me.
Bravo!
The site says this was updated, but I don't see a new chapter.
8843762
I know, sorry.
I was working on the next chapter and fat-fingered the publish button. It’s coming soon™️
8843774
Ah. Bummer. Oh well, $#!+ happens. Looking forward to when it actually comes out.
8843774
Your non-published chapter landed your story in the feature box.
All of the chapters are checked, signifying I have already read them. Why is this up in the top ten latest stories if there are no new chapters?
i love how it say there is a update but it's not.
8843918
Mis-posted a chapter that was likely not yet done. Happens a lot when the "Post" button is right next to the "Save" one.
8844132
Ah, thanks.
He’s going to hell... Those fillies will probably be the cause of death too!
i.pinimg.com/originals/2e/01/89/2e0189b406b426f20a62bd0247e4f1a2.jpg
I just found out there was an update and of course I forgot most of what happened after all the time, so I guess I try to reread it at some point and hope for a soon update to get back into it.
That chapter title is... genius
GG work fam loved it.
Heheh. I'd go to hell too.
Already there buddy.
Well, there is a reason why there are those who believe hell is bureaucratic paperwork and the Accounting department.
oof
9941529
Well, her grandchildren can lecture you on safety six ways from Sunday, so... something worked. ;->
I hope there will be more cuddling
Aren’t we all?
Foalsitting. The CMC nonetheless. Great.
Might as well get some free child labor while you're at it. Call it a cutie mark acquisition program or something.
8857610
or at least heck ...
https://ic.pics.livejournal.com/icon_uk/11800056/855574/855574_original.gif
10429960
I mean will hell get too full? Like they will have to either kill some off for good or send my ass to heaven