One With the Pack

MLove Bites
MLP: FiM
Romance
Adventure
Drama
Mlp Werewolf AU. Pixel and Obsidian discover and learn what it's like to be mates and the problems that come with it.
Gore
Sex
Alt. Universe
OC
BlueFin · 30k words · 5 6 · 307 views

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Comments ( 8 )

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Eric Longtooth

Eric Longtooth #1 · Apr 18th, 2017 · · · Chapter 1 “Dominance” ·

Interesting, I shall continue.
But, I think this chapter feels like it should be placed in the middle of a book, starting chapters need to lay down the foundation for the later ones. And this one didn't do that all too well, maybe try explaining things more? Or even moving the start of the main plot into the second or third chapter?

I understand that this would be impossible without a re-write, but it is my 2c.

Eric Longtooth

Eric Longtooth #2 · Apr 18th, 2017 · · · Chapter 2 “The Male Omegas” ·

“That won't be necessary. You will stay here and wait till I get back. Besides, if it's pups out there, they will be more willing to talk to one Alpha as opposed to two.”

After this, you have a time skip, a small one, but a skip none the less. Make sure to have some sort of symbol to show this. I.e:
----------------( )-----------------

Eric Longtooth

Eric Longtooth #3 · Apr 18th, 2017 · · · Chapter 2 “The Male Omegas” ·

Also, a couple times you use numbers (11) instead of words. (Eleven)
Please don't, it looks bad and shows your a bit of a noob when it comes to fanfics. (No offence)

Also, so far this seems quite fast paced, I think you should slow it down a bit, even the talking seems rushed and fast paced.

Eric Longtooth