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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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After this, you have a time skip, a small one, but a skip none the less. Make sure to have some sort of symbol to show this. I.e:
----------------( )-----------------
Also, a couple times you use numbers (11) instead of words. (Eleven)
Please don't, it looks bad and shows your a bit of a noob when it comes to fanfics. (No offence)
Also, so far this seems quite fast paced, I think you should slow it down a bit, even the talking seems rushed and fast paced.