• Member Since 26th Aug, 2016
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

CAPTAIN YOSHI HD


T

Spoiled Rich was supposed to go to the spa today, but it's closed. So, she goes to Zecora for relaxation. Zecora makes her relax by hypnotization.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 7 )

Spoiled kind of feels OOC here, I can't imagine she'd be trusting of Zecora who she has likely never met. I mean heck, Spoiled seems like one of those ponies who might still believe Zecora is an evil enchantress. And I really don't imagine Spoiled being trusting enough of Zecora to just comply with her instructions like that, or for Zecora to tell Spoiled outright how the hypnosis would work.

Hm, this feels like it should warrant an Alternative Universe tag, considering Spoiled is actually eager to pick up Diamond Tiara from class.

8092322

I gotta admit, forcing her into an eternal slumber and then burying her alive would've been way more satisfying if she'd been in character.

Honestly, if I had the chance to hypnotize her, I'd just pull one of those "use mind control to make bad guys good" things. But hey, different strokes for different folks.

Not bad. Not bad at all. :twilightsmile:

This unfortunately suffers the same issues that your previous hypnosis stories have: massively contrived everything, particularly the reason for including hypnosis, characters so dry and naive that they're impossible to believe, extremely stiff dialogue that lacks any characterization and makes it very hard to get immersed, and grammar that's all over the place, although to your credit there were fewer run-on sentences in this one, at least that I noticed. The big grammar issue in this one was verb tense. You gotta pick one. Is this happening now, as in Spoiled Rich walks through the Everfree, or did it happen in the past, as in Spoiled Rich walked through the Everfree.
On a side note, hypnotization isn't a word.
I will say that this is a marginal improvement from the last one in terms of the technical stuff, but is also an unfortunate step backwards as far as character and plot believability.
Keep working on these. You can improve, but only if you put forth the effort.

8092338 I feel like this could've worked better, if the story was stretched out more and Zecora actually did some things with Spoiled under the hypnotic state. Like say, make Spoiled dress up or act in a way she would normally not. I mean heck, considering the rating of this fic: I was expecting Zecora to hypnotize Spoiled into wearing diapers.

Login or register to comment