"Pinkie."
"... and then we'll play pin the tail on the pony, OOH, maybe we can eat the cake after that instead of ..."
"Pinkie."
"... but then I said that he was being silly and having an emergency party cannon in the hospital was a great idea ..."
"Pinkie."
"... riot control anyway? I mean, why would somepony even try to start a riot at a party? One time, though, Rainbow Dash had ..."
"Pinkie."
"... but I just thought to myself, 'Self, what would a super-ie smartie pony like Twilight do?' and the answer was so super-duper obvious ..."
"Pinkie."
"... but then he told me I had to get my hooves wet first and I told him 'no way Jose' which is a funny saying, if you think about it ..."
"RUNAWAY CHOCOLATE," I yelled as I randomly pointed my hoof at the wall.
"Where?!" Pinkie, her random bouncing and mind-numbing rambling interrupted by the thought of uneaten sweets, drop to the floor regardless of her momentum and stood stock still. Only her head moved, swiveling about in confusion. If I hadn't been just subjected to fifteen minutes of trying to get her attention, I would have thought it rather humorous.
There are times in a person's life where immediate decisions need to be made under stressful situations. Some people, like generals and elementary school teachers, can make snap decisions when lives are at stake. Other people, like me, tend to panic when presented with such choices. Had I been thinking clearly, I would have realized it was a very bad idea to try to run away from a pony that can catch up to Rainbow Dash.
I was out the door before Pinkie had realized what was going on, blowing past startled and confused hospital workers without a glance behind me. It was odd but just that morning I was stumbling about like a drunken idiot - well, more of a drunken idiot - while trying to just calmly walk and now here I was, going at least twenty miles an hour down some very tight and crowded hallways. I felt ... alive. A rush of pure joy as my body did what it seemed to be built for. I gave a happy 'whoop' as I rounded the stairwell's last corner and saw the light of day filtering through a pair of double glass doors. The grass was a bright, succulent green; the sky a pure shining blue. I put on a burst of speed ...
... and ran right into Pinkie Pie's happy arms.
"Oh you silly colt, it's not time to play yet!" With a vice-like grip, Pinkie Pie bounced up the stairs I had just shot down on her three legs, carrying a thrashing 'me' over her shoulder like a sack of flour. Each jump jabbed her strangely boney shoulder into my gut. "At least, not outside of your hospital room. I brought lots of fun games we can play! Like Chutes and Step-Ladders and even Cumulus! That's Rainbow Dash's favorite game. Did I ever tell you ..."
She continued bouncing along all the while keeping a constant stream of 'talking' and either oblivious to or ignoring the confused stares of all the staff as well as my colorful language the entire way. Though I do think I got her attention once or twice with 'crotch-sniffer' and something that rhymes really well with 'punt.' But maybe that was my imagination.
"Ohh, you rained on my cumulus!" With a gasp, Pinkie Pie put hoof-to-head and collapsed into the bed. Her face contorted into a parody of dismay. I waited. I was not going to be reacting to any of this and I hoped, through some sheer bullheaded stubbornness, that she would wise up to that fact. After a good five minutes, I gave up with a sigh. She was not going to be getting up if I just waited and instead I gently moved the board game out of the way. This was going to be painful and uncomfortable and not at all fun in the slightest.
"Pinkie, we need to talk." Immediately, she bounced back up, a huge smile on her face.
"Sure!" I had her rapt attention ... which was really weird coming from Pinkie.
"Ok, look, I don't know if you were told much about my ... unique case, but I am not a little colt."
"You're not?" She tilted her head to the side. Wow, she looked just like my dog. Except pink. And a pony. Still, makes her a bitc- ok, yeah. Bad joke.
"No, I'm a 32 year old human male. I don't - " Pinkie gasped, interrupting my well-crafted little speech.
"OH! Those things Lyra's always going on about!" Chalk another fact up to fanon. Before I could ask, Pinkie crouched forward, her tail sticking up in the air. I was really trying hard not to think about what that looked like. It was difficult. It was not working in the slightest either. "She's always going on about how humans are so awesome and nice and stuff! And something about hands, but that's not for young colt's ears to hear."
Que awkward blush. I don't think Pinkie noticed but it felt like it was getting a tad warm in the room.
"And this one time, Lyra and Twilight got into this HUGE argument about if humans existed and Lyra was all like 'Why do we have doorknobs?' and then Twilight was all 'Earth Ponies don't have magic!' and -" A wet hoof was preferable to letting that continue. Though it was really kinda weird because I don't think Pinkie even noticed at first. Her mouth trying to work around what was stuck -OH GOD! Pinkie, stop licking my hoof! Stop, please!
After a few seconds of my face growing more and more horrified and red, Pinkie finally realized something was interfering with her ability to talk. Finding it was not a cupcake but a hoof, she looked at me questioningly. With my hoof still in her mouth.
"Uhh, this is awkward." The wet popping noise was unneeded universe. "Yes, well, I'm not from, uh, here."
Pausing, I suddenly realized how bad my knowledge of the show could be in this situation. Too much information and no one would believe me. Pinkie's silence and curious, concentrating look did not help. As much as they might be creepy, these ponies were still the ponies I knew and loved. It took a visible effort on my part to not 'd'aw' at her and give her a giant hug for kinda creeping me out the least thus far.
Or maybe my mind was so broken that they were starting to look 'normal.'
"Yeah, I'm not from around here. I'm from Earth, a different Earth, with humans and hands and all that jazz. I really, really, really need to talk to someone that might be able to get me home. Do, uh, you know of anyone that has that kind of magical knowledge?" I looked at her with the biggest puppy dog eyes I could muster. She rolled her eyes around in deep thought.
"We-ell, my friend Twilight Sparkle is a good magic-y unicorn. There's also Princess Celestia or Luna. Maybe one of the Professors at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns might be able to help."
YES! FUCKING YES! I was in, I had someone that believed me! I gave her the biggest grin possible. And it was weird. Yes, their mouths can stretch beyond the confines of their face. How? I couldn't tell you. And at the time, I didn't care. I had someone that could help me get home, someone to open the right doors for me! Actually, open any doors for me. A bit high off the ground most of them. And, sure, it was Pinkie Pie and she was a bit unstable anyway but beggars can't be choosers, as my mother never said. She usually just told me to do my homework and get off the couch.
"Oh yes! Yes, if you could help me get in touch with one of those ... ponies, I would be so very thankful!" I waggled my eyebrows at her. I couldn't help it, I was just so happy!
"Yeah, oka-wait." Uh-oh. She squinted her eyes at me, staring intently. A drop of sweat dripped down my face. Pinkie can be very ... intense in pers-pony? In pony-son? Whatever. Suddenly she brightened up and I let out a sigh of relief. That's a good sign, right? "Oh I get it! You want me to be the evil changeling Queen, uh, Chrystalids and you'll be the good human Prince Bruce that I foalnapped and dragged to my evil alien volcano lair!"
Too soon, sigh. Too soon.
"What? No, I really am a human!" Desperation crept into my voice like, uh, something that creeps. I'm not good with similes. Pinkie rolled her eyes and patted my head. That was a bit condescending, Pinkie. Just so you know.
"Silly colt, humans don't have magic! How would you know about that if you were really human?" That smile was also condescending.
"..." I stared at her with my mouth wide open for a solid two minutes before I could gather the strength to say anything. And what I said, well, she didn't seem too happy about my word choice.
Every time I read a new chapter for this story.
He's going to get the soap again ain't he.
THE SOAP!
every time i see an update on this my one thought is "oh, god what's he going to f**k up this time" and then everyone in my house thinks i crazy with the way i start laughing.
Another great chapter And I love his frustration at Pinkie Pie, she may be great to whatch but she is not the first pony I'd go to if I wanted to be serioues, and i'd be pissed if she raised then dashed my hopes so magnificenlty as she did to Bruce.
Looking forward to seeing what Bruce said.
And Bruce has a solid lead home! Even if Pinkie is a dead end he knows who to go to when/if he gets out of the hospital.
Lovin' it keep up the great work!
I like where this is going, and i have the idea that if he meets Twilight or one of the royal sisters he will find soap, lots and lots of soap.
899449
What? Where? ... do you mean Lyra? Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe, no. Lyra is as solid as pudding.
901035
"That's what happens when you have linguistic oppsies, Bruce."
"At least the lavender is helping freshen my breath. Means I don't have to brush, right?"
"..."
thinkgeek.com/images/products/additional/large/da14_bacon_soap_closeup.jpg
Bruce can only hope.
This story demonstrates how funny awkwardness can be when approached right. A lot of authors will make things more awkward for humor but it just makes you shake your head. You make things worse for the character and it leaves me busting up laughing. Well done sir!
My one criticism would be the chapter lengths. Some of the chapters are short enough that right when I start getting into the story it comes to an end.
Overall a hilarious story, I'll be staying tuned.
I can imagine a small colt, bouncing around, spewing cuss words in a high pitch, childish voice.
Great chapter, I cant say anything constructive. I like where you are taking the story.
"RUNAWAY CHOCOLATE"
......
I applaude you sir. The Angry Brony Approves
"From the..."
Um, quick! What's the Equestrian equivalent of the Chevy? And the Levi? And them New York boys drinking whiskey and rye?
"...singing this'll be the day that I die."
FUCK IT I GIVE IS PINKIE REALLY THE FUCKING DUMB OR IS SHE PLAYING GOD BLESS I READ THE LAST CHAP AND CALLED IT I KNEW IT WOULD BE HER BUT JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST I GIVE UP
Pinkie doesn't have arms silly!
He knew about magic because the nurse magic'd the folder, remember?
It learns to speak with civility, or else it gets the soap again.
I was stumbling about like a drunken idiot - well, more of a drunken idiot - while trying to just calmly walk and now here I was
Is "more than usual" missing from that sentence or did I read wrong ?
Que awkward blush. ? ? ?
I'm not good with similes. ? ? ?
Sorry for the boring comment here have a moustache
901083 frozen pudding?
Cue Captain Price from the Modern Warfare series: "Soap!"
902477
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I saw all the ,"soap again," comments and remembered Joe Dirt. Hose again, except soap. If there's any confusion because you haven't seen Joe Dirt, then you need to go to the nearest Blockbuster video store and get it. If it's not there, try Amazon.This story is amazing, and... I felt something should be added, but I just can't think of anything.
i read this in class and laughed my ass off my teacher is asking me why im laughin. I dont know what to say
957262 WHAT YOU DID THERE I SEE IT
Welp, he's boned. And the only pony who might believe him on the entire planet probably wouldn't want him to leave once she found out.
oh shit..... is pinkie gonna wash his mouth out with a soap-flavored cupcake so fast that it causes multiple sonic rainbooms????
It's always amusing when bronies in Equestria are overwhelmed with Pinkie Pie. Personally I'm of the opinion you can shut her up somewhat succinctly with three words. All you have to do is give each word weight like you're trying to nail the lid in a coffin.
Pinkamena. Diane. Pie.
I really wish you would've actually quoted those special moments when Bruce uses his oh so very colorful vocabulary of his.
5811508
Nail in your own coffin?....
957262
I mean, pretty show consistent. She's inconsistently portrayed as a complete idiot, a whiny child with no responsibility, or....a good friend and sister who is prone to excess but has a understanding of time and place, with a willingness to do better in face of a mistake.
957262
So Basically, this is dumbass pinkie. I don't mind dumbass pinkie. Hopefully this version won't cause much trouble (typically dumbass pinkie is unhelpful, but not actively a problem...like whiny pinkie....)
He should just play along. He is literally in no position what so ever to make anything that helps return to his earth...
John Price' Right....... What the hell kind of name is Soap aye? How'd a muppet like you passed selection.