• Published 2nd Jul 2012
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Oh to be Old Again - Minalkra

What happens when a middle age brony wakes up in the body of a foal? And when no one believes him?

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6 - Bye, Bye Missus Pinkie Pie


"... and then we'll play pin the tail on the pony, OOH, maybe we can eat the cake after that instead of ..."


"... but then I said that he was being silly and having an emergency party cannon in the hospital was a great idea ..."


"... riot control anyway? I mean, why would somepony even try to start a riot at a party? One time, though, Rainbow Dash had ..."


"... but I just thought to myself, 'Self, what would a super-ie smartie pony like Twilight do?' and the answer was so super-duper obvious ..."


"... but then he told me I had to get my hooves wet first and I told him 'no way Jose' which is a funny saying, if you think about it ..."

"RUNAWAY CHOCOLATE," I yelled as I randomly pointed my hoof at the wall.

"Where?!" Pinkie, her random bouncing and mind-numbing rambling interrupted by the thought of uneaten sweets, drop to the floor regardless of her momentum and stood stock still. Only her head moved, swiveling about in confusion. If I hadn't been just subjected to fifteen minutes of trying to get her attention, I would have thought it rather humorous.

There are times in a person's life where immediate decisions need to be made under stressful situations. Some people, like generals and elementary school teachers, can make snap decisions when lives are at stake. Other people, like me, tend to panic when presented with such choices. Had I been thinking clearly, I would have realized it was a very bad idea to try to run away from a pony that can catch up to Rainbow Dash.

I was out the door before Pinkie had realized what was going on, blowing past startled and confused hospital workers without a glance behind me. It was odd but just that morning I was stumbling about like a drunken idiot - well, more of a drunken idiot - while trying to just calmly walk and now here I was, going at least twenty miles an hour down some very tight and crowded hallways. I felt ... alive. A rush of pure joy as my body did what it seemed to be built for. I gave a happy 'whoop' as I rounded the stairwell's last corner and saw the light of day filtering through a pair of double glass doors. The grass was a bright, succulent green; the sky a pure shining blue. I put on a burst of speed ...

... and ran right into Pinkie Pie's happy arms.

"Oh you silly colt, it's not time to play yet!" With a vice-like grip, Pinkie Pie bounced up the stairs I had just shot down on her three legs, carrying a thrashing 'me' over her shoulder like a sack of flour. Each jump jabbed her strangely boney shoulder into my gut. "At least, not outside of your hospital room. I brought lots of fun games we can play! Like Chutes and Step-Ladders and even Cumulus! That's Rainbow Dash's favorite game. Did I ever tell you ..."

She continued bouncing along all the while keeping a constant stream of 'talking' and either oblivious to or ignoring the confused stares of all the staff as well as my colorful language the entire way. Though I do think I got her attention once or twice with 'crotch-sniffer' and something that rhymes really well with 'punt.' But maybe that was my imagination.

"Ohh, you rained on my cumulus!" With a gasp, Pinkie Pie put hoof-to-head and collapsed into the bed. Her face contorted into a parody of dismay. I waited. I was not going to be reacting to any of this and I hoped, through some sheer bullheaded stubbornness, that she would wise up to that fact. After a good five minutes, I gave up with a sigh. She was not going to be getting up if I just waited and instead I gently moved the board game out of the way. This was going to be painful and uncomfortable and not at all fun in the slightest.

"Pinkie, we need to talk." Immediately, she bounced back up, a huge smile on her face.

"Sure!" I had her rapt attention ... which was really weird coming from Pinkie.

"Ok, look, I don't know if you were told much about my ... unique case, but I am not a little colt."

"You're not?" She tilted her head to the side. Wow, she looked just like my dog. Except pink. And a pony. Still, makes her a bitc- ok, yeah. Bad joke.

"No, I'm a 32 year old human male. I don't - " Pinkie gasped, interrupting my well-crafted little speech.

"OH! Those things Lyra's always going on about!" Chalk another fact up to fanon. Before I could ask, Pinkie crouched forward, her tail sticking up in the air. I was really trying hard not to think about what that looked like. It was difficult. It was not working in the slightest either. "She's always going on about how humans are so awesome and nice and stuff! And something about hands, but that's not for young colt's ears to hear."

Que awkward blush. I don't think Pinkie noticed but it felt like it was getting a tad warm in the room.

"And this one time, Lyra and Twilight got into this HUGE argument about if humans existed and Lyra was all like 'Why do we have doorknobs?' and then Twilight was all 'Earth Ponies don't have magic!' and -" A wet hoof was preferable to letting that continue. Though it was really kinda weird because I don't think Pinkie even noticed at first. Her mouth trying to work around what was stuck -OH GOD! Pinkie, stop licking my hoof! Stop, please!

After a few seconds of my face growing more and more horrified and red, Pinkie finally realized something was interfering with her ability to talk. Finding it was not a cupcake but a hoof, she looked at me questioningly. With my hoof still in her mouth.

"Uhh, this is awkward." The wet popping noise was unneeded universe. "Yes, well, I'm not from, uh, here."

Pausing, I suddenly realized how bad my knowledge of the show could be in this situation. Too much information and no one would believe me. Pinkie's silence and curious, concentrating look did not help. As much as they might be creepy, these ponies were still the ponies I knew and loved. It took a visible effort on my part to not 'd'aw' at her and give her a giant hug for kinda creeping me out the least thus far.

Or maybe my mind was so broken that they were starting to look 'normal.'

"Yeah, I'm not from around here. I'm from Earth, a different Earth, with humans and hands and all that jazz. I really, really, really need to talk to someone that might be able to get me home. Do, uh, you know of anyone that has that kind of magical knowledge?" I looked at her with the biggest puppy dog eyes I could muster. She rolled her eyes around in deep thought.

"We-ell, my friend Twilight Sparkle is a good magic-y unicorn. There's also Princess Celestia or Luna. Maybe one of the Professors at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns might be able to help."

YES! FUCKING YES! I was in, I had someone that believed me! I gave her the biggest grin possible. And it was weird. Yes, their mouths can stretch beyond the confines of their face. How? I couldn't tell you. And at the time, I didn't care. I had someone that could help me get home, someone to open the right doors for me! Actually, open any doors for me. A bit high off the ground most of them. And, sure, it was Pinkie Pie and she was a bit unstable anyway but beggars can't be choosers, as my mother never said. She usually just told me to do my homework and get off the couch.

"Oh yes! Yes, if you could help me get in touch with one of those ... ponies, I would be so very thankful!" I waggled my eyebrows at her. I couldn't help it, I was just so happy!

"Yeah, oka-wait." Uh-oh. She squinted her eyes at me, staring intently. A drop of sweat dripped down my face. Pinkie can be very ... intense in pers-pony? In pony-son? Whatever. Suddenly she brightened up and I let out a sigh of relief. That's a good sign, right? "Oh I get it! You want me to be the evil changeling Queen, uh, Chrystalids and you'll be the good human Prince Bruce that I foalnapped and dragged to my evil alien volcano lair!"

Too soon, sigh. Too soon.

"What? No, I really am a human!" Desperation crept into my voice like, uh, something that creeps. I'm not good with similes. Pinkie rolled her eyes and patted my head. That was a bit condescending, Pinkie. Just so you know.

"Silly colt, humans don't have magic! How would you know about that if you were really human?" That smile was also condescending.

"..." I stared at her with my mouth wide open for a solid two minutes before I could gather the strength to say anything. And what I said, well, she didn't seem too happy about my word choice.

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