4 - I Hope They Have Indoor Plumbing
"What do we say?" The lilting voice sing-songed gently into my ear. Or at least as close as it could get.
"Please?" My own voice was horse - I mean, hoarse and I coughed as the air scratched at my parched throat.
"Noooo."
"I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever take drugs again as long as I live." My mumbled words came out muffled from the pillow I was pressing against my aching and groggy head. It tasted like sweat but I was in far too much pain to care. It felt like a jackhammer was being positioned behind my eyes and cranked up to eleven. I heard shuffling around me. They sounded like they were getting closer. The Things That Should Not Be. One of whom I frenched. Ew.
"Well, that's ... that's good, but not where I was going." Confusion was evident all around me. I think I realized by this point I was the only sane one in the room.
"I'm sorry beyond belief that I kissed you, Ms. Meadows, as well as my behavior and language thus far. I am appalled that I acted so grotesquely and childishly and promise that I will never. Ever. Ever. EVER. EVER. Try to escape from illegal detainment. Can I have my water now?" I'm guessing that 'cruel and unusual punishments' were the norm around here. Seriously, I was so thirsty it hurt.
"If you come out from under that pillow so we can talk." Her voice rose a few octaves higher than it probably should have. I'm guessing it was meant to inspire confidence but really all it meant to me at that point in time was that I could finally fix one of the hundreds of aches and pains I was undergoing.
With a sigh that would have put Dracula out of a job, I shifted the pillow from my face. And screamed as her face was only an inch away from my own. At least, I would have screamed had the very attempt not caused me to start coughing and gasping for air. She backed up rapidly and, with a startled expression, quickly thrust a glass of crystal clear water at me. I took the glass offered by the concerned and yet still smiling bright-green mare and greedily gulped it down. I only choked once or twice, too. Astounding success! My god, it tasted like ambrosia.
"Good! Now that -" I waved my hoof at her, interrupting her and motioning for more water while I was still chugging the first one down. With a roll of her eyes, she obliged with a smirk, turning to a pitcher nearby. "Fine, we can talk in a bit."
Five glasses. Five glasses of water. That's a lot. Doctors everywhere gave me a standing ovation for breaking my record setting 'fifteen years on Pepsi and Red Bull' streak. But what happens when you just wake up, drink a ton of water and you're getting over a massive hangover?
"Now then, what - " Again, I held my hoof up. She flipped her ears back in irritation and I could almost see her ever-present smile turn downward. It was about that time I realized we were alone.
I was alone in a bed - naked remember - near a creepy pony that I had frenched in a drug induced haze. Good times. I winced at what had to come out of my tiny little muzzle.
"Uhm, I have to use the little colts room."
Ever since I saw that one episode where Pinkie was trying to hold it on the train, I wondered what the inside of a pony bathroom looked like. Just idle curiosity, really. Were they massively different because of the morphology or would the artists go for something more 'normal' just so the kids could understand what the hell was going on? I'm sure you have too and if not, well, tough. I'm going to describe it anyway. This ruined so many things about ponies for me that I can only hope it does for you too.
The toilets. The toilets are not toilets. They're pits in the floor. Have you ever seen an 'Eastern' style toilet? Yeah, think that only a bit longer and more ... actually, the best way I could describe it is to compare it to a certain part of the male anatomy. If, for example, that certain part was drawn by an idiot. Or a child. Or an idiot child. It even had a little ridge down the center for some reason I cannot and refuse to even try to fathom.
And guys? No benefit. None. Male, female, doesn't matter. You HAVE to wipe. This little experience gave me a great deal of respect for what ladies have to go through on a daily basis just to pee. Except I was nude going in and nude coming out so there was that.
Wiping was ... not pleasant. In the process of trying to figure that mystery of the universe out, I almost called Ms. Way-Too-Happy in for assistance. And I'm sure she would have obliged regardless of our little tongue wrestling session. God, I feel another shower coming on. That would have been awkward for everyone, er, everypony involved and even those not involved. The universe would have opened a black hole of awkward and swallowed Equestria, Earth and any neighboring inhabited planets just to be less embarrassed that such a thing had occurred.
Do you know why it was something I almost needed some assistance with? Hooves might be great for gripping round objects. Even pretty good at gripping flat ones. But you try maneuvering this giant, bulky ... stump with a small wad of tissue into position while standing on three hooves when your body really, really really wants to stand on four for stability. And this was just peeing! Doing anything else would require a masters degree in 'elimination of waste!'
With my little adventure in body functions out of the way - and a fresh glass of water just in case - I finally sat across from my future nemesis. I didn't know it at the time but this mare, this mare would soon become the bane of my every waking living breath. Her very existence would test every limit of my mental ability to its utmost. She was to become - My Counselor.
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DUN DUN DUN
I await future updates gleefully, and with high expectations.
I'm lovin' this so far. I had wondered myself with regards to the loo issue, and a pit does seem to be the most obvious answer. With the mostly medieval look to the houses, I wonder if it would be flushing or not, or whether some poor pony collects nightsoil?
864729
... what would that cutie mark look like? And how would you find out that was your special talent? shudder
864740
Not every cutie mark would mean a bill-paying job, I'd guess, so someone, somewhere would have to do SOMETHING other than their talent to keep food on the table. What if your mark was in birdwatching or something, and you couldn't get a position in Celestia's university?
864740
864729
Well they seem to have running water, and modern bathtubs (At least Pinks seems to). And eastern style squat toilets makes sense.
864764
Yeah, cutie mark plays a big part in ones life, but it doesn't seem to be a 'This is your job' kind of thing. Otherwise Rarity, Pinkie, Twilight and Rainbow would be doing very different jobs.
Odd chapter
but interesting nuntheless
.
, and I only wish i could read more. Hope your Carpal Tunnel doesn't bother you too much
As always great work my friend
Looking forward to the first confrontation with "The Counseler"... DUN DUN DUN!!!!
Ok, we now know you have mastered snarkiness and you get a 7/10 in grossing-me-out-in-a-not-funny-way, good for you.
Could we please get on with it? If you hate pony faces that much, that's your thing, but it gets repetitive.
864740 "Is that your cutie mark? It looks like a piece of manure." or better yet, "Hey Ma, I found my special talent." " That's wonderful! What is it, dear?" "Shoveling shit!" "Do I even want to know?" "....Probably not."
864764
865092
Don't take what I write too seriously. Unless I'm on another story's page, I write with my tongue so far in my cheek that it's coming out. It, it kinda hurts.
EDIT: And then I post seriously below this, hypocrisy much self?
865818
Pony-creepy is a big thing in this, something I'm probably going to slow down on (a lot actually, as creepy/disturbing things tend to lose their effect through familiarity) but it will be a consistent theme throughout. And I don't really mind ponies (too much), Bruce here does. Just wait till I get into more detail about how pony physiology works. I'm playing with some ideas about how to make ... aspects of pony bodies 'work', just not work like something on earth would. The most effective 'strange' sensation is one where it's just familiar enough to seem normal but be off enough to seem wrong.
Also, snark and sarcasm will remain. I'm sorry but them's the breaks. I might go a bit more Loony Tune or at least try to come up with some semi-sensible methods/reasons that ponies can or might go Bugs Bunny. I'm just not all that great on the more physical humor that would require.
And how did I gross you out? I'm guessing it was the shape of the toilet. The funniest way I could describe it, mainly because of certain physical limitations of the pony form. The form of their medical and hygienic mechanisms are going to be different. I was thinking … well, it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry if I did gross you out non-funnily. That wasn’t my intent. Things like that will pop up and I’ll try to inject as much a humorous twist as I can but they are by no means going to be common. Just every once in a while.
i hope you stick around but I wouldn't blame you if this isn't up your alley. Thanks for reading all the same.
866555
I'm fine with snarky and sarcastic. Keep those.
The toilets were not my main concern, I've seen japanese style. And when nature comes calling, you don't care that much actually.
But the implications of hoofs, mouths and medical instruments like syringes... thats pretty gross, yeah.
That's what you get when you take a children's cartoon literally: There are more than a few rough edges and squirmy spots in MLP, like what's with horse drawn coaches and trains? Or handling food with your mouth? And let's not even touch the matter of pegasus-controlled weather... Or Pinkie Pie!
I wonder how Twilight and Bruce would work out:
Pinkie Pie happens.
Twi: "This doesn't make sense! This is not scientifically possible!"
Bruce, enter stage left: "That what I tell them all the time."
Twi: "Finally a pony who sees this! Say, where do you come from?"
Bruce: "The hospital, I ran away. The barking pony next door was driving me up the walls and the one with the propeller-beanie kept giving me funny looks. Can you hide me?"
And that's the whole thing: Spot something that is weird, poke fun at it, move on. "Pony creepiness" might make for an excellent running gag, but don't wear it out too much.
You prob already know this, but I enjoy this story.
869714
Wow dude, first ever fanart of anything I have ever written, touched or even looked at. You have officially made my day. Night. Morning. Whatever. Now I GOT to write something. No pressure.
I need a cigarette ...
869753
Don't worry I will just be sitting here.... judging.
869763
thx d00d ur teh b3st. Also, I'm stealing that line. Somewhere. I don't know where yet but ... actually, yes! YES! I know where. Eventually.
869993
THE LEVEL OF INSPIRATION, IT'S OVER NINE-THOUSAND!
i.imgur.com/rHMHO.jpg
870247
you know, arm up, hooked through elbow?
Pony limbs are flexible enough.
Dun dun DUUUUUUUN. Bloody hilarious... I love how he makes a horror story out of everything... I mean, I understand it IS somewhat terrifying, but you'd think he'd just start to accept things at some point... *shrug* anyway, good bit. I like it...
Ah, yes, Counselors. The secret true cause for the Earth to be destroyed in order to make way for an interstellar bypass... I miss my old one.
Me: *during first 2 chapters* unless something gets me to want to continue soon im not reading more. -_-
Me: *reading third chapter* FINALY!!!
Me: *starting 4rth chapter* i wonder how this will go...
farm3.staticflickr.com/2517/4194259736_0b3d3edfeb.jpg
870080
I wholeheartedly agree
You know, funny thing is, I'm from the Middle East, I don't really see whats wrong with it, but I mostly use regular toilets anyway.
Normal toilets. For. The. Win.
864719
WHAT IS IT WITH YOU!? your figgin everywhere..........go read a book or sumthin........actually don't for Celestia's sake DO NOT READ ANOTHER BOOK!
reply if yur reading thi 20 weeks after it was published :)
1709010YupYupYup
Dude!
Two things I noticed:
“were the usual norm around here”
- This is redundant
“Now than”
- Should be now then
It's funny. While he talks of the toilet, there was an ad at the bottom for a new toilet. Huh. Anyway, great story.
Oh gee thanks. Thanks for describing in good detail of such a thing dude.
Wow. Uh...hm.
i.imgur.com/TPpOarD.gif
I...I'm...Uh, gonna go get some brain bleach now.
1709010 meh.
Counselors may mean well, but they're a huge pain in the butt. I've seen two different ones. The one got straight to the point which I respected him for, but he didn't help. The second one always wore a creepy smile and spoke in a condescending tone. Didn't respect him, and I always felt dirty when I left those sessions regardless of what we discussed. Maybe he was secretly a pedophile and my instinct was screaming 'danger'. *Shrugs*
2594866 I don't have any ad on the bottom of my page. I just have an empty box.
i really want to know if they never miss their home that much, that they day that they are Humans, i not want him to go back, it is just that i asume it at a part of a normal reaction for being in Equestria the first time as a pony.
*snrk*
Wipe
This retard deserves everything that's coming to him. I have zero empathy for him as he is too stupid to live.
6314046 hey I know you. You wrote for time loops
6314046 hmm why does he deserve this shit? Please I need to see from you're view but frankly I cant
5324619
This made me laugh harder than I should have...
Such a fresh perspective. I'm glad I stumbled onto this.
6314046
furfag
4113604
Condescending counselors aren't good counselors.
Bruce is a drama queen turned up to 11