Divine Shield had always been a father figure and guardian to his sister Luna. But when she became Nightmare Moon something inside of him changed. Now, after a thousand years, Luna has returned. Can Divine set aside his own emotional turmoil so that he can try to mend the broken bond between them? Or are they destined to be separated, with only the bitter-sweet memories of the past to console them?
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Hi.
Here's a couple of comments:
1. Luna's speech here doesn't always "sound" like Luna to me. In canon, she speaks in a more formal way then the other characters do. It takes some practice to get it consistent. So for example something like this:
“Why don’t I come with you, big brother?"
You might look at something like this instead:
"May I accompany you, big brother?"
Another example would be “JUST SPIT IT OUT!” That doesn't sound like a phrase Luna would use to me.
2. When Divine is reading something (or when you're spelling out his thoughts explicitly rather then just describing them as a narrator), you should mark that in some way. This paragraph:
To our great Prince Divine Shield, younger brother of Celestia and guardian of his baby sister Princess Luna, whose efforts in the changeling war will be forever remembered. Without him our great nation would have fallen. For this we thank you, o’benevolent protector.
Since he's reading an inscription at that point, it should be in quotes. You could also use italics if he's reading it mentally instead of out loud, I think in that case either one would be correct.
3. There's some groups here on FiMFiction that have people willing to help you with editing. Since they don't know you (and do tend to know what they're doing), it can be a really good source of feedback and learning. I'd check it out.
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/25435
839308
Thank you so much for the assistance. Just as a clarification though-
The inscription was actually in italics on the word version I have but I guess it just didn't copy that when I pasted it into this format. As for Luna's speech I was trying to go for a mix of both formal and colloquial language, as if she is kinda starting to pick up how people talk but still relapsing into her previous form of speaking. Obviously this hasn't gelled though heh, oh well.
But thanks again for the feedback, it's very much appreciated.