Epilogue
“Ahhhhh, that cheesecake really hit the spot,” Black Lightning said to his friend, Star Chaser, who seemed as stuffed as he was.
“Ya think!” she said and giggled.
“Yeah, it really was good,” he retorted. “Hey, do you think we should go see if High Flyer is okay?”
“Yeah, we probably should, it is kind of your fault he’s in there,” she said.
“But it’s also my fault he’s not dead,” he said as they both laughed.
So they walked toward the hospital wing, talking about what they want to do today and thinking about if High Flyer is okay or not.
“Well, the bolt did hit him right in the face,” she said.
“But it’s not like he got a huge burn mark on his face.” He argued. “It probably felt like he flew into a brick wall that was moving faster than he was.”
“That’s gonna hurt a lot....” she replied.
“Well... umm...” he started, “Aw, I got nothing.”
They both laughed and then Star Chaser spotted a nurse who was walking down the hallway and asked her, “Excuse me ma’am, but do you know where High Flyer’s room is?”
“It’s room number 16,” she replied, “And be quick, visiting hours are almost over.”
“Okay, we will.” Star Chaser said. And they walked down the hall into room number sixteen, where they saw High Flyer lying in his bed, reading the new edition of Daring Do.
“Hello!” Black Lightning said.
“Oh, hey there,” he said as he continued to read. Black Lightning knew that High Flyer didn’t even know who had just entered the room.
“Good book, huh?” Black Lightning asked him.
“Oh yes, the series is very go-” he said looking up from his book, but at the sight of Black Lightning, he gave a shocked look.
“Didn’t expect me to be visiting you?” he asked.
High Flyer just remained silent for a moment or two they asked, “Why? Why did you save me?”
“High Flyer, I saved you because there’s no fun in winning unless it’s a fair game, and also, had you died, it might have looked like I was trying to kill you.”
“Oh...” High Flyer replied. “Well then, thanks a bunch,” he said and smiled.
“Hey, High Flyer, when you’re better, do you wanna race again? I promise I won’t do it again,” he said and chuckled. “But I promised Star Chaser here that if we did, she would get to race too,”
“Fine by me,” he said and laughed.
And the two of them left, excited for the upcoming race.
THE END (I’m serious this time)
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"Black Lightning is a young colt at Cloudsdale Flight School who hates his life" Great, this is one of those stories, isn't it?
Can't anyone be original any more?
I see London, I see France, I see another unsightly OC self insert!
EDIT: This is Rainbow Dash's cutie mark story, without Rainbow Dash or a story.
835557
This. Please your writing is decent enough but please be more original at least that would prove that you're TRYING. I mean you even made his cutie mark a similar one to Rainbow Dash's!
Hey, so listen. You're going to get a lot of negative remarks because you basically wrote down Dash's story with some slight changes.
But overall, your writing and grammar were pretty good. The dialogue was VERY stilted, though. Not to mention, since you have an OC, you really need to concentrate on character development. A lot of this can come through dialogue. All I know is that he isn't a great flyer and he grins a lot.
Get an original plot and stretch it out. Like, really try to put as much detail as you can. Describe the weather, the softness of the cloud, how his wings felt while he was flying. You don't have enough detail. Get into the habit.
And then when they're talking- do you really think you'd grin at your bullies while they taunted you? No, you'd glare when you challenged them to a race. And put more emotion into what they're saying. It's pretty much just like, "HEY YOU CAN'T FLY I CAN TOO LETS RACE AHHHHHH" right now.
I'm assuming you're kind of young, so I'm just trying to help you out. You can only get better from here, so don't let these reviews get you down. Keep writing and you'll see a ton of improvement. You're actually a pretty good writer, and you should pick up what you're missing fast.
....eeeyup, Dash story with self insert.
Please, make some effort next time.
Hello, I represent the School for New Writers group here in Fimfiction. Having read your fiction, I believe that joining our fine school, staffed by an experienced group of writers, would be of great benefit to you and your writing style. There is no obligation to stay if you join and no pressure.
835522
A user with a typical shitty OC writing a story about it?
Pretty normal.
I can tell you that you have the ability to write a good story. I can tell you that you can pick up on ideas fast, so you can make an original, great story. The only problem is that this story is so unoriginal.
Here's a couple tips. First, take some time to come up with a topic and idea that you will enjoy writing AND is original. Try writing short, one-shot fics at first (Like this story; you had no reason to make this story into 2 chapters. It should be a single chapter.), then go on to multi-chapter stories. That's what my problem was when I began writing: I went straight to chapter stories, and they turned out kind of ugly. When I finally wrote a one-shot, it was fun to write and it was very well-received. I turned it into a multi-chapter story since it was so popular.
Second, read stories on this site. It doesn't have to be popular, just read some. Look at the stories that have a lot of dislikes and see where their cliches/problems are. Read some that are good and think about all of the points that make it a good story.
Third, read every review of the story. If they give a mean review without any points about saying why the story is bad, just ignore them. Most reviews are nice ones, but give some points that you should consider. (Like this one.) Don't let mean reviews get to you; you are definitely have the ability to write.
I'm going to watch you and help you along the way. I'd love to see what stories you can come up with; you definitely have the writer's instinct, but you need some original ideas. I really want to see what you'll do in your next story!
Don't you people know how to be original?
Self inserts here, there, everywhere! Plesae formulate a better plot next time!
you idiot this is RD's cutie mark story! Try not to rip off canon stuff, k?
835793 I approve of this.
oi50.tinypic.com/2u8jmkh.jpg WHY
835925 Because talent.
That's why.
What Klondike said. You could really use some advice bro.
835969 Not sure if insulting me, or something else. But this is exactly the type of terrible fanfic that we are trying to get rid of through proper education.
835982 I meant to say "What Klondike said." but it didn't type out the said for some reason. I fixed it
835985 Spoke too soon then, I apologize.
Yes, if you need some advice, check out the School for New Writers!
835771
The detention is banishment to DeviantART.
why does he have the element of loyalty in the thumbnail?!
836017 Sorry XiF, beat ya to it. 836049 And we have already determined a punishment far more dire than any stay on DeviantART. A clue is 'Bieber fangirl'.
Hu-F**kingzah! Another teenage angst fest!
And no, no you don't need to write a backstory for your OC. Unless you somehow dig the proverbial diamond outta your ass with another story and make the featured box; NOBODY IS GONNA CARE.
836070 Oh sorry. I was being nice.
THIS IS NOT A STORY. THIS IS A POORLY CONSTRUCTED HALF-ASSED BACKSTORY TO SOME COLOR-SWAPPED RAINBOW DASH.
836059 But you didn't provide a link! :<
836076 You sir have just the right amount of anger towards crappy stories that we at the School for New Writers need on our faculty. Get in touch with us, we'll put ya to work.
Scrap it and Re-write it with some God-forsaken originality.
That's all I have to say.
836172 My only question is; when can I start?
836172 Lol, I've been toning down on RAEG MODE because I joined. xD
836197 Right now. Welcome to the faculty.
836197 U SHOOD HAV USED A COLLON OMG AVORGEIVAHPIAJFDSAWOP
835925 DAT EMOTICON dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_dayum.png
835958 a.deviantart.net/avatars/o/h/ohyouplz.jpg
A Piece-a'-shit teen angst, self-insert, ripoff of canon story/concept?
Boy, what else is new?
This story really does need a stroke of originality, and a thumbnail of a male Rainbow Dash with a different color scheme (Bonus points for the black Element of Loyalty necklace)? I can assume that this is either A) Your first fic, or B) One that is a desperate view-whore that posts a story to feel better about themselves for getting a lot of comments. If "A" applies, that is excusable, and I'm sure that School for New Writers group or someone like myself that has a bit of experience writing can help you out with that. If "B" applies, well, if you're really that desperate for just a couple of views, actually write something that is actually worth reading.
Well, I think my work is done here, time for me to write my own story!
836233 I know! oi49.tinypic.com/ei2l4n.jpg
...Who the hell is this?
835557:
Wait say WHAT?!?!? Well if its what this story is about, then forget about reading, thanks for the "synopsis" on this story.
Hello Black Lightning, I'm Dark Lightning! May I ask, did you even think before just copying Rainbow Dashs cutie mark story and adding your OC instead?
836263 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png
836275 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowderp_flip.png
836363 oi46.tinypic.com/2qrzuih.jpg
I saw this during breakfast, choked, and had to go to Urgent Care. I didn't get back until 1 PM (it's 2 now, for those wondering).
True story.
EDIT: Holy shit, it's a recolor of Rainbow Dash
Guys that explains how bad the OC is. "Black Lightning" is simply a gender-and-personality-confused version of Rainbow Dash who, in this story, is recollecting (in third person) about (s)he got his/her cutie mark.
835958 I have found you once more. Know that I am stalking you.
836378 Tell me, did anyone happen to kill a red spy on the way here? No? Then we still have a problem.
836308
How'd I know I'd find you commenting on this, just from the title?
836378 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_future.png
836519 e.deviantart.com/emoticons/moods/love/lust/unf.gif
836519:....I might have, I mean.......he was red.....
836531:
Me: *sees this* dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_dayum.png
Well I had to see HOW bad it was with all the down votes, and with the comments, like I said, its just a copy of RD's cutie mark story
836543
I thought the same thing. It's just annoying when someone posts something with NO originality at all.
836549:
Same with OC's. Alicorns, totally OP ponies, gary stus, its all pretty annoying
Mary sue much you basically wrote dashes story gave him a hate my life personality and ended with a good ending one of the many Gary stuest stories I've read still by far not the worst
Oh yeah and I hate rainbow dash
This is Dash's cute mark story, without the story aspect to it. The grammar is poor, there's too much dialog, and you told us in the description that he hates his life. Why does he hate his life? How are we supposed to know this? You never characterize your characters. They're all flat and boring. No reader will be able to relate to the character. Overall, this was poorly written, and the scraps of plot available weren't good, either. You don't even get points for effort...
Just because it's your first fanfic doesn't mean it can be terrible...