Aspiring Voice Actor and Radio Broadcaster. Writer, Singer, Musician
Applejack and Rainbow Dash have been friends for a long time. After a hard day of work, AJ wants some sweets. She's about to be in for the sweetest treat of all. And yes, rainbow drops are Ponyville's version of Skittles. Just didn't wanna get in trouble...
My first attempt at writing. Its not a clopfic but its got some pretty good stuff
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hey nice story, some fresh spirit. It gaves me a little smile thanks for that. If I allowed to make an advice, I suggest you should take care a bit more about finishing actions bevore going into another.
This was good!
I liked the style, very calm and detailed. Your descriptions are quite precise and yet not too much pedantic. I also liked the story, very short and simple. I suggest for you to work on another couple of short stories before you try something more challenging.
Anyhow, I'll just point out one thing that bugged me:
The first line is a 'said tag', or a short sentence that ends with a comma and requires a dialogue to follow up. You shouldn't leave an empty line between the 'said tag' and the dialogue, it should all be in the same phrase.
Take my advice and read this: Writing guide.
It's a very useful guide to writing fanfiction, and you should really check the parts 'Paragraphing' and 'Dialogue'.
Besides that, I really liked it. The 'taste the rainbow' part took me off guard, in a good way.
7589127 So are you saying that the line you pointed out should all be on the same line? Or...I'm not really following...If you could explain that part to me that would be much appreciated. Oh and thanks for the critique!
Applejack and Rainbow Dash getting some nookie?
7589289 If you are confused I recommend you again to read this: http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
It's explained way better than I could possibly do.
That much for the theory, now for the practice I'll give you an example.
That's how you wrote it. I would write it more like this...
That's an example taken from your story. I found similar bricks several times during the dialogue between AJ and RD.
That's, however, is just how I'm used to writing. Remember that the writing guide is not gospel and writing is an art. If you like it, no one has the right to force you into changing it. Besides, finding a common ground and keeping a unique style is what most artists aim to.
7590419 Alright! Thanks so much for the tips! It means a lot.
Nice Appledash. Have a fave.