Hurray, it's time for the Epic Adventure of Awesomeness!
Just so you know, almost all Epic Adventures start with the Boring Journey of Tedium. More on that, later.
Twilight was true to her word. The other ponies showed up after another couple of hours, slightly before noon. Zecora had been kind enough to loan me a couple of saddle-bags of my own, which she stuffed with various potions, ointments, and the like. Just in case of emergencies, she told me. In rhyme.
Once we'd all settled in, we had a quick planning session. Twilight started things off by relaying some... disturbing news.
"I've got some... disturbing news," she said. "It turns out that Doctor Needles has been going with the police from house to house, looking for Pinkie. He even showed up at Fluttershy's place right before we left, and they demanded that they be allowed to search for you. I guess somepony noticed you going there, in spite of the disguise."
Oh. Well, I wasn't really inconspicuous, I suppose, even in that dress. Hey, wait a minute...
"Hold on," I said. "The doctor pony's name is actually Doctor Needles?"
"Yes?" Twilight said, looking confused that I'd sound so upset about something like that.
"Oh, man! This whole time I was calling him that in my head because I thought it was derogatory! That's his actual name?"
Twilight confirmed that it was.
"I am so disappointed. I guess I'll just have to exclusively call him Doctor Creepy-face McLiar-pants from now on, then."
"Oh-kay," Twilight said, then tried to get the planning session back on track. "We're going to go find somepony named Skyggie, also known as the Shadow Witch."
"I just know she's responsible!" I said. "With a name like 'the Shadow Witch', she has to be a villain!"
"Yeah! Let's get the witch!" Rainbow Dash added enthusiastically.
"She's not evil, she's been quite nice to me," Zecora said, once again running interference between fantasy and reality. "Her title is simply because illusions are her specialty."
Dash sank down onto the floor, pouting.
"I hate it when things get complicated," she groused. "I'd rather have a bad guy I can just buck in the face and get it over with."
For the record, I agreed with Dashie.
Any step forward is a step closer to getting home, the little voice in my head reminded me.
"Why don't we ambush the doctor and take him prisoner?" I asked. Most of the other ponies looked shocked. Except Dash. She perked up considerably.
"Why would we do that?" Twilight asked.
"We can make him tell us who he works for!" I said.
Twilight seemed dubious about that.
"And how do you plan on doing that?" she asked.
"You can use your lie-detection spell on him!"
"What? I don't have a lie-detection spell!"
"You don't?"
"No! Why would I have a spell like that?"
"I dunno," I said, feeling disappointed for some reason. "It just seems like the type of spell you'd have."
"Well, I don't," Twilight said. "Can we please focus on the journey?"
There was general agreement to that, and Twilight took out the rough map that Zecora had drawn up, which mostly just consisted of a little triangle where her hut was, a line going west, and a couple of squiggly lines indicating rivers. There was an X on the map where the castle was, and a bunch of written notes on the things we might encounter along the way.
It was about an hour after noon when we finally started out. The trail was rough, and slightly muddy, and the formerly-peaceful forest was now alive with small buzzing insects. Small, buzzing, biting insects, which all seemed to enjoy nothing more than dining on delicate pony flesh.
I really do not like the Everfree.
Amazingly enough, nopony complained. Not even Rarity, who I was secretly sure would spend the whole time whining about her mane. She did make a concession to the journey, though: instead of her normal purple cascade of hair, she had her hair tied back in... well, a ponytail. It was almost unbearably cute.
Still, in spite of the discomfort, I was actually in a very good mood. How could I not be? Here I was, not only on my way to get answers, but I was also traveling with the bearers of the Elements of Harmony themselves! How awesome is that?
In fact, I was so happy, that I decided that the whole voyage deserved a song! I took a deep breath, and started singing:
"Oooohhhh~!"
"No!" Twilight Sparkle said, spinning in place and locking me down with a steely glare. "No singing!"
"Awww..." I said in reply.
"I'm sorry, Pinkie... or, whoever. I'm just not in the mood for a song right now. Okay?"
"Sure, Twilight," I said, managing to hide my disappointment.
We walked in silence for a few minutes after that. Well, relative silence.
"Pinkie," Twilight said after a while. "No humming, either."
"Oops, sorry."
A couple minutes later, and Twilight sighed and said, "I didn't think I'd have to specify no whistling, as well."
"Well, excuse me for being in a good mood, and trying to make the trip a little more fun!" I said, feeling slightly irritated. "We've got a long way to go, are we really going to do it all in complete silence? I mean, can't we even talk, or anything?"
"Well..." Twilight replied, looking slightly doubtful.
"I kinda agree with Pinkie Guy, here," Rainbow Dash said. "It's going to be a long trip, we might as well try to enjoy it."
Pinkie Guy? Oh, heck no.
"Please don't call me that, Dashie," I said, only to be ignored.
"I don't mind singing," Fluttershy said. "And I always thought Pinkie had a lovely singing voice."
"We could tell stories," Applejack said. "Ah got a few funny stories from when Big Macintosh was just a colt."
"O-oh, really?" Fluttershy said, with poorly feigned casualness.
"Or, indeed, perhaps we should find out more about our traveling companion," Rarity suggested. "Assuming we could get a straight answer."
"Fine," Twilight said, looking defeated, but with a small smile that showed she didn't really mind it. "Let's tell stories. And, you can start... Pinkie Guy."
From the way she snorted when she said that, I could tell the title amused her greatly. I rolled my eyes.
"Fine," I said, "what would you like to know?"
"Well, you could tell us about yourself," Twilight said. "You know an awful lot about us, but we know almost nothing about you."
"You're seriously going to pander to Miss Pie's delusions?" a familiar voice said on the path before us.
The doctor, along with the two policeponies, stepped out from behind some bushes. It was a trap! Or, something. The two groups of ponies stared at each other for a few seconds before it occurred to me to say something.
"Look out!" I shouted, completely unnecessarily. "It's Doctor Creepy-face McLiar-pants!"
Twilight looked back at me and rolled her eyes.
"Yes, we can see him," she pointed out.
"What did you call me?" the doctor asked, confused.
"Come along quietly, and you won't get hurt," one of the police ponies said, the one with the gravely voice.
"You're kidding, right?" Rainbow Dash said, challengingly. "The way I see it, there's three of you, and six of us."
"I'm not really comfortable fighting the police," Twilight whispered furiously towards the pegasus.
"You five are already in enough trouble as it is," the other police officer said. "If you keep this up, we'll be forced to press charges."
Well, that cinched it.
"Stop! Everypony, just stop," I said. "I can't allow this. I can't have you guys get into trouble trying to help me."
I stepped forward, looking at the three stallions, and said, "If they don't try to stop you taking me, do you absolutely promise to leave them alone, and not press charges?"
"Pinkie, no!" Dash protested. The others voiced their own disapproval to my plan. I looked back and held up a hoof.
"Relax, guys. I got this," I told them, and tipped them a wink.
The two police officers looked at each other, then turned back to me.
"Sure. We'll leave them alone. Now, why don't you just come quietly with us, and we'll head back to the hospital."
"I need a promise," I pointed out, walking closer to them. The two uniformed ponies shifted uncomfortably.
"Fine, we promise," gravel-voice said. "Now, come along."
"Girls?" I said over my shoulder, still walking towards the three of them. "I'll see you at the place we were going, okay?"
"No, you're coming with us," the doctor said, in what he probably thought was a calming, reasonable voice. "You promised, remember?"
"Oh, did I promise to come with you?" I said, in my best 'oh-so-innocent' voice. "I don't recall doing that."
"You said, if we left your friends alone-" gravel-voice said angrily before I cut him off with a deep sigh.
"No, you said you'd leave them alone if they didn't stop you from taking me," I pointed out sweetly. "But don't worry, I'm not unreasonable. Here, I'll even put my hooves behind my back for you."
I wasn't crazy. At least, I don't think I was. I had a plan. Of sorts, at least. I just... well, I had no idea if it was going to work or not.
So, I sat down on the dirt road, putting my fore-hooves behind my back, conveniently out of their sight. And then, I concentrated. Inner Pinkie, and all that. It wasn't long before I started feeling that odd sensation I'd felt before, the same one that had started building up when I almost sang in Ponyville. The same feeling of being at the center of a thunderstorm that I'd had while chasing Rainbow Dash through town.
It felt good, and I started grinning widely. I just knew the plan, such as it was, would work. The policeponies hesitated, looking nervous at the huge smile on my face.
"Well... Good," the police officer with the normal voice said, looking doubtful but trying to cover it up by being brave. The two officers exchanged worried glances and then stepped forward, obviously intending to cuff me and drag me off.
"Don't worry," I said to them. "I'm not going to give you any trouble. I'm just going to give you a pie inna face!"
And, with that, my suddenly-coconut-cream-pie-laden hooves whipped forward, launching the creamy confections straight at their startled faces! The twin pies arched through the air beautifully, smacking them both in the eyes with a lovely, thick-sounding "thwap!" noise.
Giggiling, I waved at the startled mares behind me, blew a raspberry at the stunned doctor, and hopped into a nearby bush.
"After her!" Doctor Creepy said (I refuse to use his real name!)
"You need to work on your 'Evil Villain' dialogue, doc!" I shouted at him while scrambling through some brambles. "That's incredibly cliche!"
The cursing police ponies, still wiping the goo out of their eyes, stumbled after me, though I did hear gravel-voice say something along the lines of "You know, this is pretty tasty."
Thus began the game of tag that lasted for... gosh, I don't know. Hours, maybe? It was late afternoon when we started, and the sun had started setting when things wrapped up. I led them on a pretty merry chase, through bushes and across streams. I tried to keep going in the same general direction I had been before, towards Skyggie's place, because it didn't make a lot of sense to me to have to backtrack any more than needed.
The terrible trio managed to keep up with me surprisingly well, though it probably didn't help that I kept going back to play tricks on them. Like, running a line at hoof-height between two trees, causing them all to trip. Or hiding in a bush until they all ran by, then popping out and slapping a "kick me!" sign on the doctor's rump before running away again.
I found some big gourds that Zecora had warned me about, saying "Breaking that gourd will cause a reek that will last for no less than a week." So, naturally, I gathered up a few of them and pelted the ponies with them, running away giggling while they gagged on the terrible smell.
Then there was the patch of poison joke I found. I ran around it, and then waited for the bad guys to see me. They ran through it, like I hoped they would. I sat there, grinning, until they almost caught me. Then, I remembered that the poison joke doesn't take effect until the next morning, and started running again.
I still don't know where I got that barrel of glue and the huge bag of glitter, but the chase became a lot more sparkly after that.
Still, they refused to give up. I was starting to get the feeling that I would never lose these guys, unless I ran into another manticore, or something.
"Raaawr!"
"Aaaugh! Watch out, it's a manticore!"
Okay, mental note: Equestria loves itself some dramatic irony.
The glittering police-ponies squawked in panic as the winged monster reared up in front of them, and I turned back with a sigh. I had thought the doctor's dialogue was cliche, but this was the second time I'd encountered a manticore in the Everfree! Three, if you count my dream from the night before. That was really pushing the cliche boundaries!
Anyway, I couldn't leave them to be eaten, even though they were trying to drag me back to the loony bin. Fortunately, Zecora had given me a jar full of manticore-repellant. Well, it was actually an 'almost-anything' repellant, as it created a cloud of burning, irritating smoke that would chase away almost anything with a nose, but it would work to get rid of the manticore.
I ran towards the shrieking ponies and burst into the clearing to see them backing away from the terrible monster.
"Hey!" I shouted at the manticore. "No fair, I'm still playing with them!"
Then I chucked the jar of repellant at the manticore's head. And, much to my surprise, the jar went right through the thing!
"Gotcha!" the doctor said, and suddenly I was once again wrapped in a magical field and lifted off the ground. The manticore blipped out of existence, leaving me completely confused.
"I told you she'd come back if she thought we were in danger," Doctor Creepy-face gloated. "All it took was a convincing illusion. Now, where did I leave that sedative?"
"Hey, that's not fair!" I protested, legs windmilling uselessly through the air. "I only came back to stop you guys from being eaten!"
"And, we thank you," the doctor said, sparkling smugly in the waning sunlight. "Ah, here we go."
"Nooooo!" I protested, as the needle jabbed once again into my butt. This was becoming really annoying!
That's when I noticed an odd combo of Pinkie's senses. Sure, there was the twitchy tail, but I was also having an achy hoof and a twitchy leg. I wasn't sure what all of those together meant.
Maybe it meant there was a cliffhanger coming?
Oh, actually what it meant was that Rainbow Dash was going to come rocketing out of the sky, knocking all three of those ponies over like bowling pins! Doctor Creepy's magic failed, and I flopped to the ground with an "oof!" sound as the air was knocked out of me.
"Over here!" Rainbow shouted, as the three glitter-covered bad ponies struggled up on their hooves.
Gravel-voice recovered first and started walking towards me, only to get lassoed around the hooves by a determined-looking Applejack. Rarity lifted the other one off the ground with her magic, and his legs kicked feebly in the air as he protested. AJ made her way over with another length of rope to tie him up.
The doctor pony was getting back up now, scowling like a thunderstorm, his horn glowing. The reflection of his magic off of the glitter covering his coat made him sparkle like a disco ball. Twilight stepped in front of him with a scowl of her own, and the two of them had an epic magical battle for all of about two seconds before Twilight completely overwhelmed him and sent him sprawling.
Honestly, I would have felt bad for the guy, if he hadn't kept jabbing needles into my posterior. He just got magically spanked by an adorable little unicorn who's head only came up to his shoulder!
"You okay, Pinkie?" Rainbow Dash asked, concern in her eyes.
"Oh, yeah," I said nonchalantly, as my vision began to dim from the sedative. "I've nebber bloon beglern."
"What?" Rainbow asked, confused for some reason.
"Flargle?" I replied. "Hurble yerg, mumble wumble..."
"Um, guys? Something's wrong with Pinkie." she said, and the others started gathering around me.
Hey, you try talking straight with a rump full of tranquilizers! The darkness started closing in, and I felt another odd combo: Tingly gums and a twitchy back left leg. Oh, that must be the Pinkie Sense sign for a cliffhanger!
Happy that I'd figured out what that meant, I passed out.
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And the fun continues!
Oh, the how randomness pleases me so.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
Cliffhanger sense, Pinkie why do you torture us?
OMG CLIFFHANGER YOU LOVABLE BASTARD YOU
CLIFFHANGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS!
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Excellent chapter!
They stink and they are poisoned with joke, they are not going to have a happy morning when they get home.
Heh... my comment didn't show up!
Well, what I had written was: I'm currently away from home, writing from a place with the worst internet access ever. It drops probably every 5-10 seconds. Just pulling up this site took about 5 minutes. So, if you got multiple notifications that this chapter published, or something, that may be because I clicked on the Publish button, waited a bit while my browser sat there quietly in the corner humming to itself and ignoring what I told it to do, then clicked publish again.
The second time, it seemed to do something, so I left for a while and came back to see that the chapter wasn't published. So, I think the second click actually unpublished the chapter.
Sorry if that caused any confusion!
Also, wasps. There are wasps here. Right outside my window. I am a-feared for my life.
You used pinkies 4th wall wall breaking ability.... to give us a false cliffhanger? That... That is amazing!
da fuq?
1036658 couldnt have said it any better
1036672 woah.
Oh cod.
THE AMAZINGNESS IS ASTOUNDING.
Cod dangit I want next piece soon.
yes i don't likes wasps either...
and excellent chapter!
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Expert troll. Good job sir!
I cannot say anything other than
1,000 comment! Wooooooh!
And the forces of heaven above (I.E. the plot line) decreed that nopony shalt ever hear of Pinkie Guy's real life. Until an appropriate time arises, such as when he meets the real Pinkie.
And they said it was good, much to the chagrin of a couple hundred people reading on the Internet.
I thought that was one manticore too many.
Oh, how delightful!
When there was the blank space I was all "You fucking troll".
Pinkie Sense predicts everything, including unwanted rescues and cliff-hangers. WIN!
The problem is, Pinkie Guy (for lack of a better name) started making more sense as the sedative kicked in.
We still have to face the ultimate question this fic poses: When they have the chance, will our switched pair want to switch back?
Think about it... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png
>Maybe it meant there was a cliffhanger coming?
You had me going there...
>Oh, that must be the Pinkie Sense sign for a cliffhanger!
Oh, confound it all!
Do go on
Yes. So much of it. I'm practically rolling in it. It's an ocean. Here's a haiku:
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes,
Yes Yes Yes Yesyes Yes Yes,
Yes Yes Yes pancakes.
That is all.
Yesyesyes-ly,
~Plyxe
P.S. YES! And also this story is very good and you should be proud and I <3 u varry mutch and I cannot wait for the next chapter.
1037255 HOW DAFUQ DID U MAKE DAT FACE AT THE END OF YOUR POST???
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oh and btw
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Wait, she doesn't? But I... but in... heyyy wait a second...
>rarity in a ponytail
I think the term I'm looking for is "hnnnnnnggggg".
1036700 Just don't bother them until you can call an exterminator to clean out their nest.
This chapter was utter hilarity. Win, dear sir.
>Fake cliffhanger
You had me going there...
>Real cliffhanger
Wait...goddamnit!
The darkness started closing in, and I felt another odd combo: Tingly gums and a twitchy back left leg. Oh, that must be the Pinkie Sense sign for a cliffhanger!
Nah, I think that's just the tranquilizers.
1037255
They probably should switch back.
...
...
But they're totally going to see each other next week. Don't tell anyone, especially Twilight.
1037488 Okay, I'm using Greasemonkey, and grabbed some scripts from a third party site.
I can't remember the whole process, but you definitely have to have Greasemonkey. Then when it looks up scripts, search for FIM scripts; the number 55 was featured prominently, like the third entry.
Awesome stuff, no? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png
Applejack IS the lie detection spell!
But just out of curiosity, was that lie detection spell bit a reference to Project: Sunflower, where you DO have Twilight using a lie detection spell?
Cliffhangers?
FUUUUUUUUUU--
Best one yet.
Now stop with the goddamned cliffhangers, ok?
She'll come as soon as she thinks we are in danger! Mwahaha!
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1036700
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i know all those feels.
Yay
1037488 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_gasp.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_1.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_dayum.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cheerilee.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Queen_Chrysalis.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cloudchaser_dealwithit.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_gaze.png u mad?dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy_umad.png
1036700 Wasps you say?
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1038083
My question is, isn't that the perfectly sane response to ponies in danger of being mauled? (At least, in equestria. The sane response on earth is to watch and laugh as they get brutally slaughtered.) To go and help, even if you're not necessarily fond of them? (Especially considering the would-be rescuer has a lot of supplies and a pretty decent plan.)
So expecting a supposedly insane pony to come back for you (even if the perceived danger is false) is a bad idea and suicidal at worst.
DAT CLIFFHANGER
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Aah yes cliffhangers, I should pity you with your wasp issue but as you did what every fething wirter here does to their poor reader and gave us a cliffhanger, I say you deserve your faith!
Still, can't stop laughing through the whole thing, keep it up.
You! YOU! You are a GENIUS!
Still waiting for pinkies adventures in humanland.
1038360 where did you get that its LMFAO
Beautiful chapter. Looks like Doctor Needles is now an established villain.
1036743
1038519 that is a brilliant deduction.