• Published 27th Jun 2012
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Why am I Pinkie Pie?! - Hoopy McGee



Why the heck did I turn into Pinkie Pie?!

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Sorry about that

I have those little breakdowns sometimes, even still. It just gets to me, you know? I mean, it was a fantasy of mine to come here, yeah, but still... When your sense of what's real and make believe get mixed up like this, it's really hard to keep calm and carry on, you know what I mean?

Anyway, back to my story, I guess. As I was saying, I decided to go see Twilight Sparkle. This didn't happen quickly, oh no. It took me probably about a half an hour to make that decision, and probably another half an hour to get over the hammering in my chest to finally even try to venture forth.

I got up walked over to the staircase and carefully (hooves and four legs remember?) made my way down the stairs onto the second floor of, you guessed it, Sugarcube Corner. This floor was where the Cakes lived, the Mister and the Missus and, oh yes, the twins. I forgot about the twins until I walked past an open door to what was, presumably, the nursery. Where Mrs. Cake was... well, to put it bluntly, nursing. The babies. In the nursery.

Both of 'em at once. Gotta hand it to her, that takes skill.

So, like I said, nursing. Mrs. Cake saw me staring and must have taken my look of sheer horror as approval or happiness to see the babies (they are cute, I'll give them that), because she smiled and waved at me. I tore my eyes from the unsettling spectacle and smiled weakly back. I mumbled something about going to go see Twilight, and Mrs. Cake nodded, probably too engrossed with doing mom stuff to really listen to or care about anything I said.

I shakily made my way to the first floor, waved to Mr. Cake, almost passed out again from the sheer surrealism of the whole thing, and then walked up to the door.

That door. It intimidated me greatly! Once I opened it, I would be out of the relative safety of Sugarcube Corner, which was a weird, but at least somewhat familiar, place.

On the other side of that door were ponies. Lots and lots of multicolored, happy little ponies. The thought was pretty scary, actually. I'd be exposed, out in the open. I hesitated... and then I remembered that on this side of the door was a lactating Mrs. Cake. Suddenly things seemed so much easier!

I pushed the door open and took my first steps into Ponyville proper. It wasn't as weird as I thought it would be, really. Kind of like walking into a Renaissance Festival, only with colorful talking ponies instead of guys in tights and women dressed as wenches.

I miss the wenches. Oh, right. No naughty thoughts. Sorry.

I started walking down the (dirt) road, making good time before I stopped and realized that I had absolutely no idea where I was going. I looked around, trying to see a tree sticking up above the rooftops and completely unable to spot it. I did see lots of familiar faces, though. Or rather, familiar manes, coats, tails and cutie marks, because the faces were pretty much all the same in the cartoon, right?

Over there, standing in a stall and selling produce, was Carrot Top. Or was she really Golden Harvest? Or... actually, was it either one? Who said that Hasbro got any of the names right, let alone the fandom! I started freaking out a little bit, realizing that I was in a town full of ponies who probably knew what my name was (or thought they did), but I couldn't be sure that I knew any of theirs!

That little unicorn over there... I'm pretty sure her real name isn't Colgate or Romana, but she's standing there waving and smiling at me like we're old buddies! We probably are old buddies! I waved back, hoping she wouldn't come over and talk to me, but, thankfully, she just went along her way.

And the little lavender filly with the blond mane? Sure, she's tiny, but is she really Dinky? And those two colts over there, kicking a ball back and forth... sure, their cutie marks were right, but were they really Snips and Snails? I mean... Snails. Who would name their kid that?

I wondered desperately what to do about the whole name dilemma as I watched the colts kick that ball around. And then it hit me.

"Ouch," I said, rubbing my muzzle as the ball bounced away.

"Oh, sorry about that Miss Pie!" little Snips (?) said, running up with an apologetic look on his face.

Okay, it was time for the first episode of 'What would Pinkie Pie do?'

"Oh, that's... super... terrific...ly fine... diddley-ine?"

Argh, no, that's not Pinkie Pie, that's Ned Flanders! And it was awful. Just awful. I'm so sorry.

What I did next was worse, though. I mean, it seemed pure genius at the time, but honestly, it's the boneheadedest idea you can even imagine.

"But I think that blow to the noggin gave me temporary amnesia!" I said, "So, quick, tell me what your name is!"

See? I wasn't kidding, that was pretty dumb.

"Um... It's Snips, Miss Pie," the colt said, giving me the look that intelligent life everywhere reserves for crazy people. "And he's Snails," he continued, nodding towards his friend, who was busy staring vacantly at the side of a building.

Huh. Somepony really did name their kid that. Anyway, that's awesome! Two down, a few hundred to go!

"Right! Of course! And... which way to the library, Snips?" This time, it was a good idea. I mean, I'd already convinced him that I was crazy, so why not get some info, right?

The little pudgy unicorn pointed with a hoof. Back the way I came. Great.

"Thanks, Snips!" I said, some honest cheer in my voice. I turned and walked back the way he'd pointed.

I was actually feeling pretty good right then. Actually, I think "relieved" would be a more appropriate word, since I was suddenly feeling a lot less stress. So, with my mood pendulum swinging from "terrified" over to "happy", I started humming to myself as I walked along.

Then I thought it would be cool if I had my hoofbeats match the rhythm of the song I was humming. It took a little while to figure out how to do that without tripping over my own legs, but I got it down eventually.

So, there I was, humming to myself and walking down the street, and suddenly the lyrics of the song I was humming popped up into my head.

My name is Pinkie Pie, and I am here to say...

Oh dear. I was humming the tune to the Smile song. I sure hope it was just my imagination that made it feel like something was building up around me, a sort of energy, as if I were directly underneath a rapidly-developing thunderstorm.

I came to a dead stop and heard a big ruckus behind me. My blood ran cold. I cranked my head around very slowly, dreading what I would see back there.

Behind me were about two dozen colorful ponies, all jumbled together from stopping too quickly, and all looking at me with big grins and bright, expectant eyes.

Oh dear lord, they were about to break into an impromptu musical number right behind me!! I looked at them and said the first thing that came to my mind, which was "Aaaaagh!"

And then I ran away, leaving a bunch of very bewildered ponies in my wake.

I have to tell you, they really didn't exaggerate Pinkie's abilities at all on the show. Man, when she wants to, this pony can really move! Buildings flew by on either side of me as I ran in a blind panic. I'll throw in some standard descriptive language, so you get the idea: thundering hooves, flashing limbs, wind in my mane, tail streaming behind me, all that kind of stuff that translates to "pony runs really fast!"

Naturally, once I calmed down a little, I realized that I was thoroughly lost once again. I found myself in one of the random parks you see on the show from time to time, this one with a fountain in it that had a statue of some unnamed pony, wearing a saddle and rearing up on her hind legs.

Mood pendulum swing time again, and I was back to being a little on the pensive and moody side, so I sat under a nearby tree to catch my breath. I wasn't up to facing the town again, not quite yet, so I just tried to relax and get myself under some semblance of control.

Okay. Mental note: No more singing while I'm Pinkie Pie, weird things happen.

I sat there for... gosh, I don't know, maybe twenty minutes? Then my brain started calming down a little, and I started thinking clearly again. Well, okay, not clearly so much as more clearly than I had been before.

As I was sitting there, the little voice in my head popped up once again, saying, If you're both new in town and Pinkie Pie, doesn't that mean you have to throw yourself a party?

That struck me as absurdly funny, and the next thing I knew I was literally rolling on the ground, laughing hysterically. I also experienced a new sensation, something I'd never done as a human: the legendary giggle-snort!

It probably wouldn't have been so funny if I hadn't been so down a couple minutes beforehand. Hoof. Beforehoof. Whatever, you know what I mean.

Anyway, once the giggles died down, I got back up, feeling a lot better. Well, except that I was thirsty, so I drank a little water from the basin by the hooves of the pony statue, which, bleh, tasted pretty bad, but at least got rid of the last of that frosting taste in my mouth. Thinking that I was tasting what Pinkie had been eating before I got stuck in her body was more than a little freaky.

Then I noticed a drinking fountain nearby, and face-hoofed myself for drinking the bad water instead.

Okay, I say this with all sincerity, guys (or gals? or... whatever you potential aliens are?). If you ever find yourselves with hooves at the ends of your forearms, be very careful with face-hoofing! For serious, I knocked myself a good one and almost blacked out. I ended up with a decent-sized lump on my head, which... well, I guess it would help with any further amnesia stories, right?

So, it's not all bad. Right?

Okay, so once I got done smacking myself in the face, I drank some more water, this time from the drinking fountain, which tasted much better.

Then I walked back into town sedately. No singing, no humming, no nothing. Darned crazy musical ponies!

I wandered for a while, figuring I'd run into the tree-brary eventually. Ponyville isn't that big, right? That's what I thought, at least. But really, Ponyville is huge, at least when you have no idea where you are. I walked past Carousel Boutique like, five times, all by accident, without seeing any other familiar landmarks.

Finally, I found myself back at Sugarcube Corner. Snips and Snails were still there, kicking that ball around, and Snips was giving me the googly-eye, probably wondering what other crazy stuff was going to come out of my mouth.

But now that I (kinda) knew where I was, it was time to go to the library!

And I would have made it, too, if it weren't for...

Oh, whoops, gotta go. Sorry, I've got some visitors, and it's really hard to keep concentrating on this fourth-wall stuff while talking to other people. Let's pick this up in a little while, okay?