Stupid Cows are Stupid
Every single flipping time it looks like I might be able to relax, something happens. Every. Single. Time.
F*************************ck.
What has gone wrong lately? Well, it appears that some of the minotaurs from Purgle's clan really didn't appreciate how I killed their leader and disgraced them in Schunie. Go figure, really. In response, I guess they've spent the past sixish years tracking me down for a little revenge.
So yeah, Ponyville has been taken over by Purgle's clan. I mean, this is absolutely an act of war and all that, but we'll figure out all of that later. For now I have to deal with a few dozen minotaurs who have all of Ponyville captured. If I understand right, they've hidden the Mane Six and Cheerilee somewhere, no doubt trying to draw me out.
Dammit, I wanted a quiet life. Something where I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of crap. Given that Spike has been captured, too, I can't exactly contact Celestia for help. I guess it's up to me to save everyone. Now there was just the matter of how exactly I could do that.
Currently I've found myself in, of all places, Rarity's shop. I had to duck in there when a minotaur patrol got too close to me. I needed to get back to my house for my knives, Reginald, and maybe my armor. Then go all Assassin's Creed and try to take them out one at a time and hope I don't get spotted.
Just once. I want things to be simple just once.
Well, maybe there was something in Rarity's house that I could use as a weapon. I began opening up her kitchen drawers and trying to find anything. Unfortunately, her knives weren't really designed for piercing flesh. Curse vegetable knives and their bread knife brethren. I can't fight minotaurs with those. I growled and pulled open one of her cabinets, hoping to anything that would listen that I could find something, anything, to use against them. It didn't look like...
Wait.
Hold on a second.
Was that...?
It was.
I grinned and pulled out another Man Comic. No idea how it got there, but I wasn't complaining. On top of them being absolutely hysterical, this meant that we had a fighting chance.
Nobody fucks with The Punchmaster.
Still, I needed to be relatively stealthy if I wanted to make sure I didn't get rushed by all of them at once. But what could I use as a disguise?
Hmm...
* * * *
A trio of minotaurs walked through the streets of Ponyville, their sharp weapons at the ready in case that wretched human showed up. They would have their revenge for his insolence to them. Not only was their clan broke, but their new leader was a bit of an imbecile. One could argue that Purgle wasn't the sharpest bulb on the Hearth's Warming shed, but hey, at least he knew how to fight.
"So, how do we even know that the human is here?" one of them asked as he scanned the street for any sign of the human. "Maybe he's somewhere else."
"He'd probably take his wife with him if he traveled," another one reasoned. "We've got the whole town on lockdown. He'll show up. Then we'll kill him right in front of his wife! Then his wife! Then this whole town!"
"Wouldn't that start a war with Princess Celestia?" the third one asked.
"No, no, of course not," the second one said, shaking his head. "She's never even going to find out that we were here. We'll escape for sure!"
"Because no one is going to notice the minotaur army going through Equestria," the first one muttered.
"We'll just leave the way we came in: moving in pairs through Equestria."
"If you says so. But I don't--"
"Are you questioning our great clan leader?!" the second one roared.
"Uh-huh."
"I'll be sure to tell him that," the second one growled. "Then he'll... he'll..." The second one trailed off when he saw someone walking toward them. It looked like the human, but it was dressed like a female. The second minotaur frowned and leaned in closer to his buddies. "Um... was the human a female when he fought Purgle?"
"I don't think so," the first one muttered. "And I thought I read that he was the only one on this planet."
"You can read?"
"Okay, I had someone else read it for me!" the first one grumbled. "Don't rub it in."
"The Punchmaster thinks you're all stupid," The Punch-- I mean, not The Punchmaster said. This was a real old woman. Not The Punchmaster. Right.
"What did you say you were called?" the first minotaur said, frowning at The Pu-- the old woman.
"I'm just a random old woman," he said. "What are you cows doing here?"
The minotaurs all exchanged confused glances. "Uh... lady, I think that dress was made for a pony," the third minotaur said. "It doesn't fit you at all."
""Nobody questions The Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster roared, punching the minotaur right in the face.
"You are the human!" the second minotaur roared, looking down at his unconscious friend. "You punched him!"
"No I didn't," Not The Punchmaster said. "I'm a simple old woman."
"I saw you do it!" said the first one. "You knocked him right out." He frowned and crossed his arms. "I don't think you're a real old woman. Your dress doesn't fit at all. I can see your regular clothes underneath."
"Plus you have facial hair," the second one said.
"Minotaur females also have facial hair!" The Punchmast-- the old woman roared.
The two minotaurs exchanged a look before the first one shrugged. "He's got a point."
"Yes, but do human women have facial hair?"
"Sometimes," The Punchmaster admitted. "Usually politicians."
"I really doubt you're telling the truth," the second minotaur said. "You--"
PUNCH
"Nobody questions The Punchmaster!"
The minotaur flew back, completely unconscious, because The Punchmaster is awesome.
"Okay, that's it," said the first minotaur. "Now I'm pretty sure you're not an old woman."
"If I wasn't an old woman could I do this?"
PUNCH
And that's three for three.
"Now The Punchmaster needs to find his wife," The Punchmaster muttered to himself.
"Hey, wait a second!" said an approaching minotaur. "What's going on he--"
PUNCH
"Nobody interrupts The Punchmaster!"
* * * *
Using his genius detective punching skills, the old woman who definitely wasn't The Punchmaster figured out that the minotaurs were holding the Mane Six and Cheerilee in Town Hall. It was the one with a dozen minotaurs guarding it. The Punchmaster knows what's up. He'd already knocked out a bunch of stupid cows that thought they could mess with The Punchmaster. He'd deal with the rest soon enough. First he had to sneak into town hall like the awesome Punchmaster that he wasn't. He was just a simple old woman. Don't fuck this up for The Punchmaster.
When no minotaurs were looking, The Punchmaster stealthily punched a hole in one of the walls of Town Hall. Then he waited until a patrol was coming by and punched the minotaurs because why not? He's The Punchmaster and-- I mean... no he's not. He's just a simple old woman. He wasn't in a disguise. Shut up.
The Punchmaster walked through the halls of Town Hall completely unseen. Every time it looked like a minotaur might see him, he punched the air around him to become invisible. Then punched the minotaur.
Finally The Punchmaster made it to the main room of town hall, where a half-dozen minotaurs waited for The Punchmaster. One of them looked like some sort of leader. He was strutting around like one. He mostly looked like an imbecile. And he was monologueing. The Punchmaster hates monologueing. The Punchmaster is not a theater geek. As expected, the Mane Six and Cheerilee were in the room, bound and gagged with horn suppressors for the unicorns, with a few minotaur guards around them.
"-- and then when we find the human, which is absolutely going to happen, I will bring him here and slaughter him all in front of you! We will have our revenge for the pain he has caused our clan! Then, to brilliantly cover our tracks, we will kill everyone in this town to get away with it!"
"I 'on't fink so," Twilight muttered. "'Ur 'ly fupid."
"Maybe I'll unify the clans and invade Equestria!" the clan leader said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "There is no possible way that could go wrong!"
"Mhm. O 'ay ah uhl," Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes.
"Any minute now I'll get word that we've captured the human. Then we'll see who's stupid!"
"Uuh. Uuh r fupid," Applejack said.
"Uh... boss? I think we have company," said one of the minotaurs, pointing to the old woman who was not The Punchmaster. The clan leader frowned and tilted his head.
"What am I looking at?" He exchanged a confused glance with one of his soldiers. "No, seriously, what am I looking at?"
"'Uh 'unchmafer!" Cheerilee cheered.
"No I'm not," The Punchmaster said, cleverly walking like an old woman. Because he was. Not The Punchmaster.
"What did she say?" the clan leader asked.
"I think she said that he's The Punchmaster," another one replied.
"He's a punchmaster? What the heck is a Punchmaster?"
"The Punchmaster," The Punchmaster growled. "... I mean, no I'm not. I'm not The Punchmaster in a brilliant disguise."
"So you admit you're in a disguise."
"The Punchmaster said no such thing," The Punchmaster insisted.
"No, that's not true! You just did!" the clan leader said. "You also just called yourself The Punchmaster!" The clan leader frowned and crossed his arms. "I think you might be the human we're looking for."
PUNCH
"Nobody tries to expose The Punchmaster!"
"Okay, now I'm really sure you're the human!" said one of the minotaurs who wasn't unconscious. He was quickly becoming a minority in that area.
PUNCH
Never mind. Now he's in the majority group of minotaurs unconscious because they fucked with The Punchmaster.
"Okay, I think that's it! Bring him down!"
Several minotaurs charged the old woman who wasn't The Punchmaster. Each one that came close was punched right in the face by the person who wasn't The Punchmaster, but sure as heck punched like him. One of the minotaurs fired a crossbow bolt right at The Punchmaster, but The Punchmaster is and always will be awesome, so he punched it right out of the air. The bolt flew back and severed the crossbow string. Well, can't use that anymore.
Within a minute, The Punchmaster had finished punching all of the minotaurs. All were unconscious, save one. He whimpered and tried to back away from The Punchmaster.
"Spare me!" he wailed. "I didn't want to do this, but he made me!"
"The Punchmaster doesn't care," the old woman said. "I'll bet you're wondering how a simple old woman was able to beat you."
"Not really. I know you're that Punchma--"
PUNCH
"Nobody interrupts The Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster cleared his throat. "Anyway. I shall now reveal my secret. I am not the old woman I appear to be. No old woman could be this awesome and punchtastic. This whole time you've been trying to fight..." The Punchmaster tore off his dress. Don't worry. He had on his normal clothes underneath. Sheesh.
"The Punchmaster!"
Twilight sighed and probably would have facehooved if she wasn't tied up. She just didn't realize how brilliant The Punchmaster's disguise was. With one final punch, The Punchmaster knocked out the final minotaur who was trying to mess with him. Nobody messes with The Punchmaster.
"Fo Awefum!" Rainbow Dash squeed. Everyone except Twilight nodded in agreement.
The Punchmaster turned to his wife and grinned. "The Punchmaster has something to do now. It's time to go home. " Cheerilee enthusiastically nodded. With one punch in the air, the Mane Six and Cheerilee were all untied. The Punchmaster had saved the day!
"Well, that was an experience," Cheerilee said, leaping into The Punchmaster's arms. ""But I think you're right. We have something else we need to do today!"
"Punchmaster," The Punchmaster crooned.
"Oh for goodness sakes," Twilight groaned, getting to her hooves. "I can't wait until all of this stupid Punchmaster crap is done for good."
"Why would you want that?!" Rainbow Dash cried. "He's so awesome!"
"What is not awesome is when he pillages my shop for dresses," Rarity said with a frown, looking at the tattered remains of her work. "How did you even get a dress made for a pony to fit you, anyway?"
"I punched it," The Punchmaster explained.
"I... see." Rarity sighed and picked the dress up in her magic. "I don't suppose you can punch it back to the way it was."
"The Punchmaster will be busy for the next long while."
"Yes he will be!" Cheerilee said, nuzzling his neck.
Before Rarity could respond, the doors of Town Hall opened, and Celestia ran inside. She had a sword floating beside her. "I arrived as soon as I could!" she said. "I was informed of the trouble here in Ponyville by a pegasus who managed to escape!" She looked to The Punchmaster and frowned. "But you all seem to be okay in here. We have rounded up the remaining minotaurs outside, so Ponyville is safe once more."
The Punchmaster didn't say anything. He merely walked past Celestia out of the door to Town Hall. Celestia flinched back when he passed her, but he didn't punch her. She blinked in confusion, but shrugged.
"I suppose we'll get to work cleaning everything up. Are you alright my faithful student?"
"Yeah, I just have a bit of a headache," Twilight grumbled. "I'm getting kind of tired of this 'Punchmaster' nonsense."
"Regardless, he did a good job of rescuing you. I suppose I should thank him for that."
Twilight's eyes widened, and she pointed at something behind Celestia. "Princess Celestia, watch out! he's--"
PUNCH
Right in the face. The Punchmaster is stealthy when he wants to be.
"Next time show up before The Punchmaster needs to do everything for you."
"Fair enough."
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Every time I think you're REALLY done with this story, you PUNCH another chapter into existence... I guess the Punchmaster is just too awesome to let his own story end.
TD should have some sore knuckles after his time as The Punchmaster, or maybe he is immune to hand injuries.
7701516 THE PUNCHMASTER CANNOT BE HARMED!!!
7701516 Hand injuries are scared of the Punchmaster. He doesn't have skin cells, he has microscopic Chuck Norrises for skin.
Hey, what's the deal here, this chapter isn't about The Punchmaster, it's about some old woman.
Just a little plothole that I hope you can answer me... What is the problem with Purgle? Purgle had a war with 'Prince Antares' not 'TD the human' if he is human and married with Cherilee, there could be no reason for them to invade.
You are the one who created the Non-Bronyverse, right?
7701869 in Wanderings of a Non-Brony, TD killed Purgle in a death match in Schunie. The rest of the clan is getting revenge.
7701947 Sure is.
A bit confused from the beginning but eh it's the punchmaster.
Bolt.
Cheerilee is the luckiest mare in Punchyville.
7701869 AU from Prince Antares. TD didn't get punched by the alicorn transformation in this version.
7702252
Pretty sure Antares is the AU.
I've heard of the TD series, don't recall reading much of it. This though...thought it'd be something like One Punch Man, the manga and anime...
...well...
In a way I was right...
But in another I was so wrong...
Still loved it though!!!
The Punchmaster is NEVER finished!! He punches, now and forever!!
The Punchmaster is the king of disguises!
ok that last punch, celestia technicaly had that coming with her habit of having other people clean up messes for her.
I've got it! Man Comics are kind of like Megaman Battle Network's Dark Battle Chips: always showing up at random, especially in emergencies.
Well, that was just as entertaining as the other two. Good job.
7701704
The Punchmaster agrees if there are minotaurs around, otherwise, you get punched.
On this planet, on his would mean that he is the only human on Earth.
7705964 orig06.deviantart.net/da8c/f/2013/085/e/a/shut_up_to_bronywriter__by_bronywriter-d5ze3sx.jpg
We need more punchmastering.
MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now i kinda wanna see what The Punchmaster would have done in The Prince
7729123 Punch things.
7729171 I don't know what i expected
7729263 kicks?
There are so many things i want to say about this.
I'm just going to stick with saying that was an entertaining read and go watch Saitama punch Boros again.
I just dont know anything anymore......
7701704 Someone didn't read the big, brilliant twist at the end.
7775074
derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/7/11/1198389.png
This is most amusing.
http://thrilling-intent.wikia.com/wiki/Colvin
Now read the abilities section.
THE PUNCHMASTER IS COLVIN
I read this in "Axman"'s voice from AlChestBreach and it fit wonderfully.
AXMAN.
I have to question this fic's legitimacy. Unlike Seanmanbaby's sense of "humor," as he desperately claims it is, I found this enjoyable and worth a laugh.
This is brilliantly absurd.
You should do one with Comet finding a comic and becoming a new Punchmaster. How would Cheerilee and TD deal with that?
8156945 Considering that Comet is about 12-13, and that the Punchmaster gets up to all kinds of sexual shenanigans, that might be a bad idea. She could be Spontaneo: the bat pony who doesn't give a fuck.
8157114 Yes, that's more of what I was going for. Just a younger, non-sexual, punching pony version of the Punchmaster.
Featured in June for The Goodfic Bin
7701704
Holy shit he's RIGHT! I thought this was supposed to be the Punchmaster?
10/10 twist ending, the old lady was Punchmaster all along! Shyamalan would be proud.
8336091
how DARE you..... Shyamalan the master of lameness is not worthy of even being in the same multiverse as his holy awesomeness the mighty THE PUNCHMASTER
8884580
Don’t you mean
THE PUNCHMASTER!!
?