I had just finished up work for the morning, and was now on my lunch break. I opened up the brown paper bag that held my lunch and pulled out an apple to munch on. Given the weather, it made no sense not to eat outside today. In fact, the rest of the week called for pretty decent weather. Cheerilee was still teaching class, so I couldn't just have lunch with her today. Too bad. Ah well, we'd have a nice dinner together later in the evening. Maybe I could catch some fish before I went home for the day so we could have that. She did keep saying that she was interested in trying meat. We'll see.
I made it to the park and sat down on one of the nearby benches. I noticed a single comic book lying next to me, but I didn't pick it up. There were a lot of families around. Some colt had probably just set it down while he went to go play on the swing set. No need for me to make any kind of deal about it. I bit into my apple and leaned against the backrest of the bench while pony watching. I'd need to get back to work in about forty-five minutes, but until then, I could just relax.
As I finished my apple, I glanced back down at the comic. Just out of random curiosity, of course. Maybe it was the latest issue of the Power Ponies. Or one of the new Daring Do comics that had just started coming out. I pulled it over and glanced at the title. I frowned. Man Comics?
I set my apple core down on the bag so I could give the comic my full attention. Man wasn't a word I'd heard with any regularity in years. No species on this planet referred to their males as "men" so I couldn't think of a reason as to why a comic would exist with that title. As far as I was aware, I was the only man on the planet.
I dunno. Maybe it meant something else.
Glancing around to make sure that no fillies or colts were coming over to collect their missing comic, I flipped to the first page and began reading.
* * * *
PUNCH!
"Get out of my way, tree! Nobody gets in the way of The Punchmaster!"
A few tree leaves fell to the ground as The Punchmaster ran through the park punching everything that got in his way. That tended to mean trees and playground equipment. Ponies all around him ran for their lives as he continued his rampage.
"Punch!" The Punchmaster punched a swing, causing it to fly forward and over the bar. "Master!" The swing came back around and hit The Punchmaster over the head, knocking him forward. He whirled around and punched the swing again. "Nobody swings at The Punchmaster!"
"Sir, I must insist you calm down!" said a cop who had just arrived at the scene. He approached The Punchmaster slowly, like one would a wounded animal. Except people shouldn't approach wounded animals because that's stupid. They bite when startled. Except The Punchmaster doesn't bite. The Punchmaster punches.
"Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster roared, sending the officer flying with one mighty blow.
"Officer down! Officer down!" the police officer moaned.
"The Punchmaster is bored of this. He will go elsewhere!"
The officer groaned and slowly got to his hooves. He didn't get paid enough for this crap. Even if he did, he still didn't. Backup. That's what he needed. Backup.
* * * *
Twilight Sparkle and her friends ran through the streets of Ponyville, each with their Element of Harmony around their necks. If something had taken control of TD, they needed to be ready. They spotted Lyra and Bon Bon on the side of the road. Lyra was lying next to Bon Bon, tending to the lump on her friend's head.
"Lyra! What happened?!" Twilight cried as she ran up to them.
"Strangest thing, really," Lyra said, dabbing at Bon Bon's head. "TD just came through shouting something about being "The Punchmaster" and hitting everything he saw. Bonnie asked him why and he just punched her and said 'nobody questions The Punchmaster.'" Lyra shrugged. "Makes about as much sense to me as anything else that goes on in this town."
"So awesome," Bon Bon groaned. "He punched through a brick wall."
"Really?" Rainbow Dash said, her ears perking up. "That's so cool!"
"Rainbow, focus!" Twilight scolded. "Where did he go, Lyra?"
Lyra shrugged. "I think he was heading toward the train station. Don't ask me why."
"D'ya think Cheerilee would be 'lright with a threesome?" Bon Bon muttered thickly.
"Probably not, Bonnie," Lyra said with a wistful smile. "Unfortunately."
"Lyra, how could you say something like that!" Rarity said, aghast. "TD and Cheerilee have a loving relationship, and I don't think either of them would be open to adding other mares to whatever they do in the bedroom."
"Well sorry, Rarity, but you didn't see it!" Lyra retorted. "He punched Spoiled Rich so hard I think I saw money fly out of her! Not out of her saddlebag, out of Spoiled Rich herself!"
"I think some of it was Botox," Bon Bon pointed out helpfully.
"Right. I think I saw that, too."
"Don't forget his manly musk," Bon Bon purred.
"Oh yeah, that too!" Lyra said.
Twilight groaned. She didn't have time for this nonsense.
"Come on, girls, let's just get to the train station," Twilight said through gritted teeth. She could already tell this was going to suck to deal with.
* * * *
"Sir, I'm sorry, but the train is delayed right now. We have a bit of a problem with the boiler."
The Punchmaster's eyes narrowed. "Nobody delays The Punchmaster!"
"Sir, I'm afraid I don't know what to tell you!" the station manager said, sweat beginning to form on his brow. "We'll get this train going as soon as we can! Besides, I don't even think you bought a ticket yet."
PUNCH!
"Nobody tickets The Punchmaster!"
With the Magic of Music providing the epic music, The Punchmaster stomped onto the train and into the boiler car, where two mechanics, one mare and one stallion, were working to get the boiler going. They both shot up when he entered the car.
"Excuse me, sir, but this is a restricted area," said the stallion. "If you could just go back to your seat we--"
PUNCH!
"This boiler is like Celestia: STUPID!" The Punchmaster rushed over to the boiler and began punching it repeatedly. The mare screamed and backed up against the wall.
"Sir, I don't think that's going to--"
The train lurched forward and, to the surprise of everyone, began moving. The mare's jaw dropped as dozens of ponies on the platform began running to catch the train that had started to pick up speed.
PUNCH! PUNCH! PUNCH!
The mare sat down and began fanning herself. My word. What an interesting turn of events for her. The stallion on the floor groaned, but neither one paid attention to him. The boiler door dented with every mighty blow from The Punchmaster's fists, and still the train continued to pick up speed. They might travel forward in time at this rate.
Finally, with one last blow, the boiler door flew off its hinges. The Punchmaster straightened up and nodded in satisfaction. His work was done. He nonchalantly turned and began walking back to the passenger cars. The mare, her eyes wide and wings fully erect, scooped up the battered boiler door and cradled it close to her chest.
"Um... are you single?" she said breathlessly. "Or do you at least have ten minutes of free time?"
"You couldn't handle The Punchmaster."
"Okay. Yeah, probably not." The mare hugged the boiler door closer. "I'll... uh... just keep this, then. Always."
* * * *
"He did what?" Twilight cried.
"Well, if what we're hearing from one of the ponies on the train is true, Mr. Powell walked onto the train and punched it until it started," said another one of the station managers. The one who hadn't been on the wrong end of an awesome punch.
"But..." Twilight's eye twitched. "That's not even possible!"
"Doesn't need to be possible if it's awesome!" Rainbow said, triggering nods of agreement from Pinkie and Applejack. Even Fluttershy tilted her head because she gets it.
"But you can't use punches to power a train! It goes against everything we know!"
Applejack shrugged. "Guess TD can."
"Yeah, and has anypony ever tried to power a train with punches? If not, how would you ever know it won't work?" Rainbow Dash said smugly. Boom. Mic drop.
"No! It's... I... grr, that's not how it works!" Twilight the Comeback Queen said.
"Looks like it might be!" Pinkie said happily. "I'm gonna try that next time we have to go somewhere!"
"No, Pinkie just... no." Twilight facehooved. "Okay, so where was that train going, and when will there be another one going to that location?"
"Well, that train was going to Manehattan, and we won't get another Manehattan train until five o'clock."
"But that's over four hours from now!" Twilight groaned.
"Sorry," said the station manager. "If you'll excuse me, Ms. Sparkle. I have to watch my co-worker until the paramedics arrive."
"Fine." Twilight sighed and tried the breathing exercise Cadance had taught her. Brilliant. "Okay, girls, since we can't get to Manehattan, I think it's time we let Princess Celestia know what's going on. We should also let the Manehattan train station know what's going on so they can keep an eye out for him."
* * * *
PUNCH!
The train doors burst outward and The Punchmaster hopped onto the platform of the Manehattan train station. A dozen police officers, some of whom were brandishing nightsticks and pepper spray, moved in and surrounded him before he could throw a single punch, so fast, is what I'm saying.
"The Punchmaster is not in the mood for this," The Punchmaster growled.
"Sir, if you could get down on the ground and put your hands behind your back," one of the cops said, taking a pair of hoofcuffs off of his belt. What a fool. I would say the order made The Punchmaster clench his fist, but his hand is always a fist. Always.
"Just do it, sir," another officer said, brandishing his can of pepper spray like he really thought it would do something. Hope and optimism is a wonderful, sometimes foolish thing. "We really don't want this to get violent."
"That's always what The Punchmaster wants!" The Punchmaster roared. Just as he began to charge, he was surprisingly stopped by a single, strong voice.
"That's enough of that!"
The group paused as a single blind stallion walked between the two sides. He swiveled his ears and turned toward The Punchmaster. "Now son, let's not be too hasty. The officer is right. There's no need to resort to violence. Just talk to me and we'll sort all of this out."
The Punchmaster's eyes narrowed. What a fool. He thought his blindness would save him. The Punchmaster was not a basilisk.
"Uh, Mr. Mediator, I think we've got this," said another officer.
"Violence should never be the first answer, and I've been doing this for thirty years, sonny," Calm Mediator said. "Now, then, what's your--"
PUNCH!
"Nobody interrupts The Punchmaster!"
"He attacked! Bring him down!" said the sergeant.
"Holy Celestia, I can see!" Calm Mediator said.
"Punchmaaaaasssssttterrr!" The Punchmaster roared as he began punching every police pony he could, which, considering how good he was at punching, was all of them. Cops began flying back like inept rodeo clowns. Or inept clowns in general.
"TD, what in Equestria are you doing?!"
The Punchmaster stopped punching for a moment to see Princess Cadance and Shining Armor running toward him. They stopped at a spot they foolishly thought was out of range for his punches.
"TD, I don't know what's going on, but we can figure this out!" Cadance said while Shining Armor observed the groaning mass of Manehattan's finest. He considered that they seemed to be about as competent as Canterlot's Finest. "I'm sure this is all a big--"
"PUNCH..."
With one mighty swing of his fist, The Punchmaster uppercutted Cadance, sending her flying straight up in the air at at least a good... oh... nine hundred miles an hour. Easy. Shining Armor shot The Punchmaster with his most fiery glare, much to the chagrin of his optometrist, and snorted steam as he lit up his horn for an attack.
"Oh that does it, buddy! You're going--"
"...MASTER!"
Shining Armor flew straight up after his wife.
* * * *
Princess Celestia sighed as she surveyed the madness before her. She had received the call about TD's activities in Manehattan, but even knowing him, the sheer scope of the damage surprised her.
"Sister? What shall we do about this?" Luna asked, staring down at a groaning police officer. "This does not sound like TD Powell, but this must not go unpunished."
"I think the first order of business is to find TD," Celestia said, staring at a flock of mares who were fighting over pieces of plaster from the walls TD had punched down. "If we can stop him, he could likely explain what has been happening. My student has not given me much information to work with."
"So he is just punching."
"It seems so."
"Of all the things he could do, that somehow seems the least surprising."
Celestia allowed herself a small titter before walking over to a mare who looked to be fending other mares away from the broken train doors, having claimed them for herself. When she saw Celestia and Luna, she growled at them and hugged the doors close as best she could.
"No! Mine! Get your own!" A crazed grin crossed the mare's face, and she sniffed the doors. "They smell of him!"
Celestia inwardly sighed, but gave the mare a motherly smile. "I am not here to take those, my little pony. I am merely asking where he went."
"It was so wonderful!" the mare said, her tail starting to lift ever so slightly. "When he was done punching everything, he grabbed the bottle of scotch that every ticket salespony has somewhere, downed the whole thing in one gulp, then literally punched the air until it took him where he wanted to go!"
Celestia tried to register that, but not even she could register how punchingly punchtastic that was. She settled for simply moving on.
"I... see. So where did he end up going?"
The mare shrugged and began rubbing her cheek on the door. "I don't know for sure. If you find him, tell him I'm here waiting!"
Celestia shook her head and turned back to Luna. "I must admit, this is a new one."
"Indeed." Luna looked back to the fighting mares. "Should we do something about this?"
"Probably," Celestia said with a nod. "For now we need to see if there is anything magical about what is happening."
"Oh there is!" the mare with the doors moaned. "There totally is!"
"Once we figure that out, we can solve this," Celestia continued, ignoring the mare. "I think that TD might have--"
It was at that moment that Cadance impacted right next to Celestia. Celestia let out a startled, regal yelp and flinched back. Her eyes widened when she saw her niece.
"Cadance!" Celestia cried. "Are you alright?"
Cadance groaned and rubbed her head. "So awesome," she whispered.
"What happened?" Luna asked. "Did you cross paths with TD Powell?"
"Punchmaster," Cadance corrected thickly, draping a foreleg over her head. "Awesome."
Luna shook her head. "Assault on royalty, Tia. His list of charges grows."
"It does seem that way, yes," Celestia agreed. "We will still need to find him first."
It was at that moment that Shining Armor landed next to his wife.
"Ow," he said.
* * * *
"Alright, class, we're going to move on to our math lesson now!" Cheerilee said happily, taking out the corresponding folder of notes. "Today we're going to be learning fractions and decimals!"
A few members of the class groaned a bit, but Cheerilee ignored them. They would come around. She had developed a few tricks over the years to make seemingly boring subjects interesting. They'd never failed her yet.
"Now, then, if I divide five by nine--"
The door flew open, revealing The Punchmaster standing there with an extended fist.
"Punchmaster!"
Cheerilee flinched back in shock at the loud noise and dropped her chalk. She saw her husband standing in the destroyed doorway of the school house and blinked owlishly at him.
"Uh... TD? What's going on? I'm in the middle of class." She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. "And I thought you shaved this morning."
"Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster rushed forward and scooped Cheerilee up. He threw her over his shoulder and began walking out.
"TD, what are you doing?" Cheerilee squawked. "I'm in the middle of... put me down or... oh, is that what's happening? I mean... there's still class and... oh... very well." Cheerilee grinned seductively at her husband before turning back to her class. "Class is dismissed. See you all..." She looked back at TD. "At some point."
"Punchmaster," The Punchmaster crooned.
"Punchmaster indeed," Cheerilee replied, rubbing The Punchmaster's back. "Punchmaster in-- ooh, TD! Wait until we're home!"
* * * *
Celestia stopped in front of TD's house and took a deep breath. If Twilight was correct, TD was in there with Cheerilee. Who knew what was happening with them? After Twilight had told her mentor that TD had returned to Ponyville, she essentially told Celestia that she was done for the day with Punchmasters and stuff. Only her friends and Luna had followed Celestia to confront TD. Mostly out of curiosity.
"Alright, ladies, let's see what the damage is," Celestia said. She lit her horn and opened the door to TD's house.
To her surprise, it didn't look nearly as destroyed as she thought it would. She lit her horn and cast a tracking spell to make sure that TD was even still here. Yes, there were two beings in the house. Then three. Then four. Then eight! Her eyes widened until she looked back and realize that the increase in numbers came from her sister and Twilight's friends entering the house behind her. She smiled sheepishly. What a ditzy horse.
"Is he here?" Luna whispered.
"Yes, he's upstairs."
"Not as much punching stuff as I thought there would be," Rainbow said, disappointment in her voice.
"Yes, I thought the whole house would be destroyed, based on his past actions," Rarity said.
"It does not seem that way," Celestia said. Though we have not found TD yet. I believe he is upstairs."
The group all moved to the upper level, where Celestia's spell led them to the bedroom door.
"Maybe we shouldn't go in there," Rarity said, taking an uneasy step back. "If TD and Cheerilee are in there, they might be... doing things that we should not be watching."
"You can just say rutting, Rarity," Rainbow Dash said flatly.
"Or bangin'," Applejack replied thoughtfully.
"Shaking the whole house!" Pinkie cried happily.
"That's not what the other ponies in flight school called it," Fluttershy muttered. "We always just called it fu--"
"Anyway," Celestia said a little forcefully. "It matters not what they are doing. What matters is that we have to stop TD before he does any more damage."
"And it is not like you have ever lost sleep over interrupting the coitus of happy couples," Luna grumbled.
"Hello pot, I'm kettle," Celestia said snootily, sticking her nose in the air. "Regardless..." Celestia opened the door to the bedroom and walked in.
Like the rest of the house, the room was fairly well maintained. It did not look like a tornado had gone through it, like Celestia expected. The only thing out of sorts was the bed, where two beings rested. TD was there, as hoped, completely conked out. Only his head stuck out from under the covers. Cheerilee, in her human form, had covered herself with the blanket with only her arms and head sticking out. She woozily looked up when Celestia walked in.
"Oh, uh... hello, Princess." She brushed a whispy lock of mane out of her face. "I'd bow but... it's uh... it's going to be a few days before I can walk again."
"I see."
"I've never seen him like that before." Cheerilee looked down at her sleeping husband and smiled. "I like it."
"Yes, we're trying to discern exactly what happened," Celestia said, walking over to TD and leaning down to examine him. "This is most unlike him."
"Sort of," Cheerilee pointed out. "He punches things sometimes and we do married couple stuff a lot. So whatever happened just brought out stuff that was already there, I guess." Cheerilee took a deep breath and leaned her head against the headboard. "I think I might go to sleep now."
"I guess you'd better," Rainbow Dash said before adding "lucky dog" under her breath. Applejack heard her comment and nodded in agreement.
"It is quite strange," Celestia said, casting a few spells to determine TD's state. "He doesn't seem to be under the influence of any magic right now. If he was magically influenced, the magic has worn off. If he..." Celestia's gaze trailed over to TD's bedside table, and her eyes widened. Suddenly all the pieces clicked into place.
A Man Comic
"Did he read that?" Celestia asked fearfully.
"I guess so," Cheerilee said with a shrug. "I've never seen it before. I read a bit of it myself, and it was funny, but it didn't do anything to me."
"Oh dear. This explains everything." Celestia picked up the comic in her magic and held it away from her like it was a poisonous snake. "These comics are known to have powerful magic in them that increases masculine tendencies. Legend says that a powerful wizard made them."
"Oh," Cheerilee said, looking at the comic thoughtfully. "So, um... where can we get more?"
"I'm sorry, dear Cheerilee, but it is best that TD doesn't read any more of these."
"Oh come on, Princess. Just one more? Please?"
"I'm afraid not."
Just then, TD groaned. Everypony turned to look at him as he began waking up. He cracked open one eye and yawned before sitting up. He saw the ponies in his crowded room and raised an eyebrow.
"What are you looking at?" He looked to Celestia. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No! No no no no no not at all!" Cheerilee said, latching onto her husband and rubbing his chest. "No, do it more!"
"Huh?"
"Well, maybe not all of it," Celestia said. "TD, I'm afraid that you've been under the influence of some very powerful magic this afternoon. You, ah, well, you went around punching everything."
"I did?"
"Yeah," Rainbow said. "It was so awesome!" The rest of Twilight's friends nodded.
"And so sexy," Cheerilee said, nuzzling into TD's chest.
"Huh." He looked back to Celestia. "So, did I do a lot of damage?"
"I'm afraid so, TD."
"I see." He shook his head and gently wiggled out of Cheerilee's grasp. "Well, I guess you want to talk more about that. If you could all, uh... while I get decent."
The mares, save for Cheerilee, all turned around while TD got up and began dressing. Pinkie Pie tried to turn her head for a quick glance, but a nudge from Rarity, who had already stolen her glance, stopped her.
"Okay, you're good." The mares all turned back around. "So should we talk here, or...?"
"We can go somewhere more comfortable," Celestia said. "I'm sure you're interested in the story."
"I am, I really am. But before we do, I only have one thing to say to you, Celestia."
It had been about two weeks since my run in with the Man Comic, and things had pretty much gone back to normal. I was back at my job with no incidents, and the citizens of Ponyville had largely been mollified when they found out that I'd been under the influence of some powerful magic. Spoiled Rich wasn't too happy that she couldn't have me arrested, but there wasn't much she could do about a royal pardon. The one downside was that Cheerilee kept wishing that I'd find another one so that we could have that spectacular time in bed again. Yeah, that would be pretty nice. Oh, and there were also the occasional mares who knocked on my door asking for The Punchmaster. Cheerilee, ah, had some frank words for them. Usually followed by the two of us making love so she could "mark her territory" I guess. Let every mare out there know that I'm her man. So a decent trade-off, I suppose.
Still, it would be kind of nice to find another one. Mostly so I could punch Celestia right in the face without any repercussions. The look on her face when my fist hit her face... The bruised hand was absolutely worth it.
But yeah, it would be kind of nice to find another one somewhere. It's not like Cheerilee had been disappointed by my... performance, she was still very happy with it, but being The Punchmaster had kind of raised a bar. Oh well.
I walked into a comic shop with a slim hope that I would be able to find one. Maybe, just maybe, I could find a Man Comic gathering dust in some forgotten corner, unseen by everypony. Sure, it might be a bit rude to go around punching everything, but I didn't want it for that. More for the bedroom. Cheerilee didn't walk straight for three days.
"Hello, Mr. Powell," said the proprietor of the shop. "How are you this morning?"
I shrugged. "Can't complain. Nothing would change if I did."
"Fair enough. Can I help you find something?"
"Not unless you got a Man Comic in recently."
The proprietor gave me a sad smile. "Once again, I don't even know what that is. If I find one I will let you know."
"Fair enough." I stopped by a display stand that held the latest issues of Batmare comics. Maybe I could pick one up. I did enjoy Batman back on Earth, so it would be interesting to see more of the similarities. The ones I'd read had mostly the same plot points: billionaire whose parents are killed by a mugger, travels the world and becomes a crime fighter, dons a bat suit with bat cave and loyal butler... all that fun stuff.
Ooh, what's this one? I raise an eyebrow and pick one up from the display. The Fatal Joke. If it matched up with The Killing Joke, I'd have something to read for a few of my lunch breaks. Equestria was just as capable of producing more mature comics as Earth. I flipped it open to what appeared to be a bookmarked page. Not sure why it would be bookmarked, unless this was a trade-in and whomever had sold it forgot their bookmark.
Except it wasn't a bookmark. My eyes widened when I saw what I had just run across.
Maybe I would have an interesting day after all.
* * * *
Celestia sighed in contentment before taking a dainty, princessly bite of her cake. Day Court had been stressful as usual, there were still a few repercussions of TD's little "Punchmaster" incident. Efforts to repair the Manehattan train station, and all that. Not to mention the insanity of all of the mares he ran into. Celestia had to admit, she had never seen something like that.
The door to her dining room opened up, and one of her servants came in, his head low and his ears drooped. Celestia smiled at him, but her smile shifted into a frown when she saw his demeanor.
"Is there something wrong?" she asked.
"Er..." Her servant uneasily rubbed the back of his neck. Uh-oh. "There's a problem in Ponyville, your highness. Again."
Celestia sighed and gently placed her fork down next to her plate. "I see. And what might the issue be this time?"
"It's, um... well, it's not good. We've heard reports of some "Punchmaster", or something like that. We've heard that the human is responsible."
Celestia facehooved. Her dammit. Not again.
"Me dammit, not again," Celestia muttered. With another sigh, she stood up and began walking out of her dining room. "I will handle it."
"Are you certain, Princess Celestia? He might punch you in the face again. There's even a pool in the palace between all of the servants about when he'll hit you again."
"Oh?"
"Y-yes."
Celestia raised an eyebrow. "And how much have you bet?"
"Well..." The servant's head went even lower. "A hundred bits that he won't do it again for another month. If he hits you now I'll lose to one of the chefs, and that one is a jerk."
"And he bet that TD would punch me in the face the next time I saw him?"
The servant nodded. "Yeah, three-to-one odds. He'll rub it in my face if he's right."
Celestia slowly shook her head as she reached one of the nearby windows. "I see." Celestia opened up the window, revealing a perfectly sunny day. "Well, regardless of what happens, I must go to Ponyville to help them."
"If you must. Just don't let him punch you in the face again," the servant grumbled.
"I will try, my little pony." Celestia paused for a moment. "But just in case, put me down for a thousand bits."
"Damn."
* * * *
"PUNCHMASTER!!!"
PUNCH
The building that had foolishly been built in the way of The Punchmaster collapsed from one awesome punch. Thankfully it was empty, but if it didn't want to be punched down, it should have moved.
"He's back!" Bon Bon cried.
"Awesome!" Scootaloo cheered.
"You!"
The Punchmaster spun around to see who had talked, and his eyes narrowed. Somepony was going to be punched hard. That somepony was Spoiled Rich, who was glaring at him with her husband and daughter by her side.
"You assaulted me!" Spoiled Rich growled. "Princess Celestia may have pardoned you, but I refuse to accept that!" She slammed her hoof on the ground. "I am going to have you arrested and thrown in jail forever!"
"Wrong! You die naked and wrong!"
Punch
With one awesome punch, Spoiled Rich flew back out of her clothes and hit the wall of a building behind her. Her clothes hung in the air for a few moments as if she was still in them, but they were cowed as they should have been, and floated to the ground.
"What in Equestria is wrong with you?" Filthy Rich roared. He ran over to his wife and checked her pulse. "I think you actually killed her!"
"Wrong again!"
The Punchmaster ran up to Spoiled Rich and punched her again. She gasped and twitched awake, holding her head because she probably had a concussion or something.
"There is a light when you die!" She rubbed her head and glanced up at TD with a glare. "You are--"
"You've been dead for hours!" The Punchmaster roared. Spoiled Rich screamed and shot to her hooves. "Give me your teeth!"
"Let's get out of here!" Spoiled Rich shrieked. Without any further prompting, brave Spoiled Rich bravely ran away. Nearby everypony began cheering.
"That was awesome!" Lyra said.
"Fuckin' A!" Sweetie Belle squeaked.
"Just once, Punchmaster!" Sea Swirl rushed up to The Punchmaster and hugged one of his legs close. "I'm really good in bed! I can finish a stallion for ten minutes!"
"The Punchmaster already knows." The Punchmaster slid his leg out of Sea Swirl's grasp. "The Punchmaster has a wife."
"B-b-but--"
"Punchmaster."
Sea Swirl sighed. "Fair enough."
* * * *
Silver Spoon sighed as she walked down the deserted streets of Ponyville. Something was happening in the town, that much was certain, but nothing she cared about. Smart filly. She absentmindedly kicked a rock as she made her way over to the park. Maybe there would be a few classmates she could shoot the breeze with.
Nope. The park was as empty as the rest of Ponyville. Maybe the Elements of Harmony were up to something. Silver Spoon groaned and sat down on the nearest bench. Just as she sat down she noticed a lone comic on lying on the bench next to her. She picked it up and looked at the title. Maybe it was a Spider-Mare comic. She blushed a little to herself at the though. If Diamond Tiara ever found out that she had a relatively impressive stack of comics hidden in her room.
However, she found herself disappointed. The cover was completely blank with the exception of the title. Man Comics. She frowned. What the Tartarus was a man, and why did it get a comic? Her curiosity overtook her and she flipped open to the first page.
* * * *
"So, you're all set for the guest lecture tomorrow?" Cheerilee asked, walking down the street with Twilight by her side.
"Oh yes," Twilight said happily. "I did this lecture at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and it went over fairly well. I've taken out a few of the more advanced concepts, but if I know your students, they'll get it. They're pretty smart. If they seem to be getting it, I'll start moving on to more advanced topics."
"Sounds like a plan to me," Cheerilee said with a smile. "We just need to--"
Punch
Twilight frowned and began looking around. "Did you hear that?"
"Yeah, I think so." Cheerilee tilted her head. "I'm not completely sure what it was, though."
Punch
"There it was again!" Twilight spun around looking for the source of the odd noise.
"I wonder what it could be," Cheerilee said. "Maybe it's--"
"THE PUNCHMASTER!!!"
The Punchmaster burst through a nearby building, but he was so awesome that the building didn't collapse. The Punchmaster wouldn't allow it, because The Punchmaster isn't a total dick.
"Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster roared.
"Oh for Celestia's sake, not this again!" Twilight groaned.
"Yay!" Cheerilee cheerily cheered. "Punchmaster!"
The Punchmaster grinned at his wife and rushed over to her. "The Punchmaster sees his sexy wife!"
"And Mrs. The Punchmaster sees her sexy husband!" Cheerilee rushed over to The Punchmaster and leaped into his arms. She seductively smiled at him and began rubbing his chest. "Maybe we should find somewhere private? I think we won't have to see society for the rest of the day. We'll have a lot of fun."
"The Punchmaster already knows," The Punchmaster crooned.
"I am so done with this nonsense," Twilight growled. "I'm going to find somewhere safe from this stupid stuff."
"None of you are safe!"
The three of them turned around to see the source of the weird talking. To the surprise of Twilight and Cheerilee (The Punchmaster is never surprised) they saw Silver Spoon of all ponies standing about fifty hooves away. She wore what appeared to be a white marching band uniform complete with the ridiculous hat. A cardboard double Popsicle was positioned on the front of her hat. It would be a terrifying sight if The Punchmaster was ever terrified of anything, which he's not.
"The Punchmaster is not in the mood for this horseshit."
"I could resent that remark," Cheerilee pointed out.
"The night wind can always carry one more scream."
The Punchmaster gently put his wife down. He needed to handle this alone. He smiled confidently at Popsicle Spoon/Pete/Whatever. She was just another thing to punch.
"The Punchmaster will beat you."
Popsicle Spoon let out an inequine laugh and the sky began glowing red. The walls of the nearby houses and shops began bleeding. Between The Punchmaster and Popsicle Spoon, the ground opened up and fire began spewing from the opening while the voices of the damned began moaning that "none of you are safe."
"History will never know of your successes. Only your many failu--!"
Punch
"The Punchmaster never fails!"
"Don't I know it!" Cheerilee said happily.
"You are nothing but the fool you appear to be!" Popsicle Spoon snarled. "I will destroy all you love!"
Punch
"Nobody destroys The Punchmaster, you half-witted imbecile! I am the destroyer of all! I will drown you in Popsicle juice like the rest of them!"
Popsicle Spoon paused for a brief moment. Even she realized how badass The Punchmaster is and always will be.
"I don't get it either," Twilight muttered.
You will, silly purple book horse. You will.
"You will leave this place and never return!" The Punchmaster growled.
"I have always been here. Always!"
The walls started bleeding more profusely as the clouds caught fire. The ground around The Punchmaster gave way, leaning him standing on a small little island. The hooves of the damned reached up from the ground and tried to grab The Punchmaster to drag him down to the unknown terror they endured for eternity.
They tried, but The Punchmaster was having none of that. He punched them. He punched them all. Each punch freed the souls of the tortured souls that reached out for him. So see? He does a lot of cool stuff with his punching. When he finished that, he jumped from his island and landed right next to Popsicle Spoon. He swung his leg forward but stopped just before he made contact. The Punchmaster does not kick. Ever. The Punchmaster--
"Punches!"
Popsicle Spoon flew back into one of the bleeding walls, getting the unholy blood all over her. That time of the month, I guess.
No that wasn't too far!
Popsicle Spoon groaned and rubbed her head. "I will never be... defeated. None of you are--"
"The Punchmaster is done with your nonsense."
Punch
With that, Popsicle Spoon got knocked out. Heck yeah. The Punchmaster is awesome. Everypony knows this. Everybody knows this.
The Punchmaster pointed to Twilight, then to Popsicle Spoon. "Handle that."
Twilight frowned as she looked at Popsicle Silver's unconscious form. "You're not going to just punch the evil out of her?"
"NOBODY QUESTIONS THE PUNCHMASTER!!!"
The Punchmaster brought his fist back for another epic punch, but nopony really wanted that one. I guess they thought Twilight was nice enough, or something.
"TD, no," Cheerilee said in her best "teacher voice."
The Punchmaster scowled, but didn't punch Twilight. Or at least, not as hard as he could have. He slowly brought his fist forward and gently tapped Twilight's jaw. Twilight rolled her eyes.
"The Punchmaster is done with this." He turned around and threw Cheerilee over his shoulder. "The Punchmaster has somewhere to be and something to do for hours."
"Yes he does!" Cheerilee said with a grin. "Let's get out of here."
Twilight sighed as she watched the two of them go. She would be glad when all of this "Punchmaster" nonsense was over with. On the other hoof, though, she could see how TD's hyper-masculinity could be attractive to mares, and maybe she... Twilight shook her head. No, no she couldn't think about that. She wanted nothing more to do with it. Which was too bad, because there was still Popsicle Spoon to deal with. She groaned and walked over to Popsicle Spoon, who seemed to be waking up. Popsicle Spoon groaned.
"None of you are--"
"Yeah, yeah, I know."
* * * *
Celestia landed in Ponyville to see relative peace. Yes, there were a few buildings with giant holes in them and a hoofful of mares that were fighting over the pieces, but that was relatively normal for Ponyville. All things considered, it wasn't the craziest Ponyville had been when she had arrived.
Either way, the first goal was to find her student.
She flew over to the library and found Twilight walking inside with a filly dressed in a bizarre outfit floating beside her. She landed beside Twilight and frowned at her.
"What has happened, my student?"
Twilight groaned and opened the door to the library. "I don't want to talk about it. TD went home with Cheerilee. If you see their house shaking, just try to guess why."
"I--"
"I'm going to figure this out then I'm going to go to sleep. I'm done for the day."
"It is only three in the afternoon, Twilight."
"Don't care."
Twilight entered her home and slammed the door behind her. Celestia heard no less than five locks close, followed by a shield around the entire library.
"I'm going to free Silver Spoon from this possession and then no more equine interaction!" Twilight yelled.
Celestia sighed and shook her head. Twilight clearly needed time. She spread her wings and flew over to TD's house. She noted the oddity of the bleeding walls all around her, but didn't put too much thought into it. She's give Ponyville some money for a few paint jobs. Maybe some hoses, or something.
She landed outside of TD's house. As Twilight warned her, the house was shaking slightly. The Punchmaster and Cheerilee were gettin' it on. Bow chicka bow wow! With nothing more to do, Celestia materialized a couch and a stack of newspapers and sat down to wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And wait.
After three hours the house stopped shaking. She nodded and put down her twelfth newspaper and sent them and the chair back to Canterlot. She waited a few minutes then opened the door to TD's house. She walked up to TD and Cheerilee's room and opened up the door. The two were in their bed, as expected. Both were lying under the covers, looking absolutely disheveled and exhausted. TD glanced up at Celestia and waved a hand at her.
"'Sup. What'r you doin' here? We aren't open to threesomes."
"I am merely here to see if you alright, TD. I heard you found another one."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Lucky for me," Cheerilee said, snuggling up close to TD. "That might have been even better than the last time."
"The Punchmaster already knows," TD said with a grin before giving his wife a peck on the lips.
"It might be a few days before I can walk at all again, but that was totally worth it. Always."
"As lovely as it is to see true love between a married couple, I must insist that you cease searching for any more Man Comics. They are causing considerable problems here."
"Speak for yourself," Cheerilee said.
"I understand how this has been an overall positive thing for you, Mrs. Powell, but for the rest of us, we are not quite happy with how things are going." Celestia motioned to the door with a wing. "If we could have this conversation somewhere better for all of us."
"Oh, I guess," TD said with a sigh.
"Very good." Celestia waited for TD to get dressed and Cheerilee to take of the bracelet to return to her pony form. When they finished that, she moved to leave the room at the same time, bumping into TD. TD frowned at her as Celestia stepped aside.
"Oh, my apologies, TD."
"Um... no worries?"
As the three of them made their way down the stairs, Celestia decided to strike up the conversation early.
"So, where did you find this one?"
"Comic book store. Hidden inside an issue of Batmare."
"Ah, I suppose that might make sense. Though I am curious as to why reading one changes you into this 'Punchmaster' character."
TD shrugged. "Dunno. Not sure why it happens."
"I question whether or not you could find another one."
TD's eyes narrowed and he swung around, punching Celestia right in the face.
Every single flipping time it looks like I might be able to relax, something happens. Every. Single. Time.
F*************************ck.
What has gone wrong lately? Well, it appears that some of the minotaurs from Purgle's clan really didn't appreciate how I killed their leader and disgraced them in Schunie. Go figure, really. In response, I guess they've spent the past sixish years tracking me down for a little revenge.
So yeah, Ponyville has been taken over by Purgle's clan. I mean, this is absolutely an act of war and all that, but we'll figure out all of that later. For now I have to deal with a few dozen minotaurs who have all of Ponyville captured. If I understand right, they've hidden the Mane Six and Cheerilee somewhere, no doubt trying to draw me out.
Dammit, I wanted a quiet life. Something where I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of crap. Given that Spike has been captured, too, I can't exactly contact Celestia for help. I guess it's up to me to save everyone. Now there was just the matter of how exactly I could do that.
Currently I've found myself in, of all places, Rarity's shop. I had to duck in there when a minotaur patrol got too close to me. I needed to get back to my house for my knives, Reginald, and maybe my armor. Then go all Assassin's Creed and try to take them out one at a time and hope I don't get spotted.
Just once. I want things to be simple just once.
Well, maybe there was something in Rarity's house that I could use as a weapon. I began opening up her kitchen drawers and trying to find anything. Unfortunately, her knives weren't really designed for piercing flesh. Curse vegetable knives and their bread knife brethren. I can't fight minotaurs with those. I growled and pulled open one of her cabinets, hoping to anything that would listen that I could find something, anything, to use against them. It didn't look like...
Wait.
Hold on a second.
Was that...?
It was.
I grinned and pulled out another Man Comic. No idea how it got there, but I wasn't complaining. On top of them being absolutely hysterical, this meant that we had a fighting chance.
Nobody fucks with The Punchmaster.
Still, I needed to be relatively stealthy if I wanted to make sure I didn't get rushed by all of them at once. But what could I use as a disguise?
Hmm...
* * * *
A trio of minotaurs walked through the streets of Ponyville, their sharp weapons at the ready in case that wretched human showed up. They would have their revenge for his insolence to them. Not only was their clan broke, but their new leader was a bit of an imbecile. One could argue that Purgle wasn't the sharpest bulb on the Hearth's Warming shed, but hey, at least he knew how to fight.
"So, how do we even know that the human is here?" one of them asked as he scanned the street for any sign of the human. "Maybe he's somewhere else."
"He'd probably take his wife with him if he traveled," another one reasoned. "We've got the whole town on lockdown. He'll show up. Then we'll kill him right in front of his wife! Then his wife! Then this whole town!"
"Wouldn't that start a war with Princess Celestia?" the third one asked.
"No, no, of course not," the second one said, shaking his head. "She's never even going to find out that we were here. We'll escape for sure!"
"Because no one is going to notice the minotaur army going through Equestria," the first one muttered.
"We'll just leave the way we came in: moving in pairs through Equestria."
"If you says so. But I don't--"
"Are you questioning our great clan leader?!" the second one roared.
"Uh-huh."
"I'll be sure to tell him that," the second one growled. "Then he'll... he'll..." The second one trailed off when he saw someone walking toward them. It looked like the human, but it was dressed like a female. The second minotaur frowned and leaned in closer to his buddies. "Um... was the human a female when he fought Purgle?"
"I don't think so," the first one muttered. "And I thought I read that he was the only one on this planet."
"You can read?"
"Okay, I had someone else read it for me!" the first one grumbled. "Don't rub it in."
"The Punchmaster thinks you're all stupid," The Punch-- I mean, not The Punchmaster said. This was a real old woman. Not The Punchmaster. Right.
"What did you say you were called?" the first minotaur said, frowning at The Pu-- the old woman.
"I'm just a random old woman," he said. "What are you cows doing here?"
The minotaurs all exchanged confused glances. "Uh... lady, I think that dress was made for a pony," the third minotaur said. "It doesn't fit you at all."
""Nobody questions The Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster roared, punching the minotaur right in the face.
"You are the human!" the second minotaur roared, looking down at his unconscious friend. "You punched him!"
"No I didn't," Not The Punchmaster said. "I'm a simple old woman."
"I saw you do it!" said the first one. "You knocked him right out." He frowned and crossed his arms. "I don't think you're a real old woman. Your dress doesn't fit at all. I can see your regular clothes underneath."
"Plus you have facial hair," the second one said.
"Minotaur females also have facial hair!" The Punchmast-- the old woman roared.
The two minotaurs exchanged a look before the first one shrugged. "He's got a point."
"Yes, but do human women have facial hair?"
"Sometimes," The Punchmaster admitted. "Usually politicians."
"I really doubt you're telling the truth," the second minotaur said. "You--"
PUNCH
"Nobody questions The Punchmaster!"
The minotaur flew back, completely unconscious, because The Punchmaster is awesome.
"Okay, that's it," said the first minotaur. "Now I'm pretty sure you're not an old woman."
"If I wasn't an old woman could I do this?"
PUNCH
And that's three for three.
"Now The Punchmaster needs to find his wife," The Punchmaster muttered to himself.
"Hey, wait a second!" said an approaching minotaur. "What's going on he--"
PUNCH
"Nobody interrupts The Punchmaster!"
* * * *
Using his genius detective punching skills, the old woman who definitely wasn't The Punchmaster figured out that the minotaurs were holding the Mane Six and Cheerilee in Town Hall. It was the one with a dozen minotaurs guarding it. The Punchmaster knows what's up. He'd already knocked out a bunch of stupid cows that thought they could mess with The Punchmaster. He'd deal with the rest soon enough. First he had to sneak into town hall like the awesome Punchmaster that he wasn't. He was just a simple old woman. Don't fuck this up for The Punchmaster.
When no minotaurs were looking, The Punchmaster stealthily punched a hole in one of the walls of Town Hall. Then he waited until a patrol was coming by and punched the minotaurs because why not? He's The Punchmaster and-- I mean... no he's not. He's just a simple old woman. He wasn't in a disguise. Shut up.
The Punchmaster walked through the halls of Town Hall completely unseen. Every time it looked like a minotaur might see him, he punched the air around him to become invisible. Then punched the minotaur.
Finally The Punchmaster made it to the main room of town hall, where a half-dozen minotaurs waited for The Punchmaster. One of them looked like some sort of leader. He was strutting around like one. He mostly looked like an imbecile. And he was monologueing. The Punchmaster hates monologueing. The Punchmaster is not a theater geek. As expected, the Mane Six and Cheerilee were in the room, bound and gagged with horn suppressors for the unicorns, with a few minotaur guards around them.
"-- and then when we find the human, which is absolutely going to happen, I will bring him here and slaughter him all in front of you! We will have our revenge for the pain he has caused our clan! Then, to brilliantly cover our tracks, we will kill everyone in this town to get away with it!"
"I 'on't fink so," Twilight muttered. "'Ur 'ly fupid."
"Maybe I'll unify the clans and invade Equestria!" the clan leader said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "There is no possible way that could go wrong!"
"Mhm. O 'ay ah uhl," Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes.
"Any minute now I'll get word that we've captured the human. Then we'll see who's stupid!"
"Uuh. Uuh r fupid," Applejack said.
"Uh... boss? I think we have company," said one of the minotaurs, pointing to the old woman who was not The Punchmaster. The clan leader frowned and tilted his head.
"What am I looking at?" He exchanged a confused glance with one of his soldiers. "No, seriously, what am I looking at?"
"'Uh 'unchmafer!" Cheerilee cheered.
"No I'm not," The Punchmaster said, cleverly walking like an old woman. Because he was. Not The Punchmaster.
"What did she say?" the clan leader asked.
"I think she said that he's The Punchmaster," another one replied.
"He's a punchmaster? What the heck is a Punchmaster?"
"The Punchmaster," The Punchmaster growled. "... I mean, no I'm not. I'm not The Punchmaster in a brilliant disguise."
"So you admit you're in a disguise."
"The Punchmaster said no such thing," The Punchmaster insisted.
"No, that's not true! You just did!" the clan leader said. "You also just called yourself The Punchmaster!" The clan leader frowned and crossed his arms. "I think you might be the human we're looking for."
PUNCH
"Nobody tries to expose The Punchmaster!"
"Okay, now I'm really sure you're the human!" said one of the minotaurs who wasn't unconscious. He was quickly becoming a minority in that area.
PUNCH
Never mind. Now he's in the majority group of minotaurs unconscious because they fucked with The Punchmaster.
"Okay, I think that's it! Bring him down!"
Several minotaurs charged the old woman who wasn't The Punchmaster. Each one that came close was punched right in the face by the person who wasn't The Punchmaster, but sure as heck punched like him. One of the minotaurs fired a crossbow bolt right at The Punchmaster, but The Punchmaster is and always will be awesome, so he punched it right out of the air. The bolt flew back and severed the crossbow string. Well, can't use that anymore.
Within a minute, The Punchmaster had finished punching all of the minotaurs. All were unconscious, save one. He whimpered and tried to back away from The Punchmaster.
"Spare me!" he wailed. "I didn't want to do this, but he made me!"
"The Punchmaster doesn't care," the old woman said. "I'll bet you're wondering how a simple old woman was able to beat you."
"Not really. I know you're that Punchma--"
PUNCH
"Nobody interrupts The Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster cleared his throat. "Anyway. I shall now reveal my secret. I am not the old woman I appear to be. No old woman could be this awesome and punchtastic. This whole time you've been trying to fight..." The Punchmaster tore off his dress. Don't worry. He had on his normal clothes underneath. Sheesh.
"The Punchmaster!"
Twilight sighed and probably would have facehooved if she wasn't tied up. She just didn't realize how brilliant The Punchmaster's disguise was. With one final punch, The Punchmaster knocked out the final minotaur who was trying to mess with him. Nobody messes with The Punchmaster.
The Punchmaster turned to his wife and grinned. "The Punchmaster has something to do now. It's time to go home. " Cheerilee enthusiastically nodded. With one punch in the air, the Mane Six and Cheerilee were all untied. The Punchmaster had saved the day!
"Well, that was an experience," Cheerilee said, leaping into The Punchmaster's arms. ""But I think you're right. We have something else we need to do today!"
"Punchmaster," The Punchmaster crooned.
"Oh for goodness sakes," Twilight groaned, getting to her hooves. "I can't wait until all of this stupid Punchmaster crap is done for good."
"Why would you want that?!" Rainbow Dash cried. "He's so awesome!"
"What is not awesome is when he pillages my shop for dresses," Rarity said with a frown, looking at the tattered remains of her work. "How did you even get a dress made for a pony to fit you, anyway?"
"I punched it," The Punchmaster explained.
"I... see." Rarity sighed and picked the dress up in her magic. "I don't suppose you can punch it back to the way it was."
"The Punchmaster will be busy for the next long while."
"Yes he will be!" Cheerilee said, nuzzling his neck.
Before Rarity could respond, the doors of Town Hall opened, and Celestia ran inside. She had a sword floating beside her. "I arrived as soon as I could!" she said. "I was informed of the trouble here in Ponyville by a pegasus who managed to escape!" She looked to The Punchmaster and frowned. "But you all seem to be okay in here. We have rounded up the remaining minotaurs outside, so Ponyville is safe once more."
The Punchmaster didn't say anything. He merely walked past Celestia out of the door to Town Hall. Celestia flinched back when he passed her, but he didn't punch her. She blinked in confusion, but shrugged.
"I suppose we'll get to work cleaning everything up. Are you alright my faithful student?"
"Yeah, I just have a bit of a headache," Twilight grumbled. "I'm getting kind of tired of this 'Punchmaster' nonsense."
"Regardless, he did a good job of rescuing you. I suppose I should thank him for that."
Twilight's eyes widened, and she pointed at something behind Celestia. "Princess Celestia, watch out! he's--"
PUNCH
Right in the face. The Punchmaster is stealthy when he wants to be.
"Next time show up before The Punchmaster needs to do everything for you."
Celestia sighed as she flipped through a few more of her official papers for the day. Between five hours of court and the visiting griffin emperor, the day wasn't shaping up to be a very good one. Perhaps she'd sneak a second piece of cake later. Or a whole bottle of bourbon.
"Ms. Inkwell, if you would send these over to the records room, I would appreciate that," Celestia said, floating a stack of papers over to her loyal consigliere.
"Yes, Princess Celestia," Raven said, tilting her head in a bow. "I also wish to inform you that the griffin emperor has arrived for your trade meeting, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Powell."
"Ah, good," Celestia said with a smile. "See to it that they are put in the finest room in the castle."
"The griffins or the Powells?"
"The Powells," Celestia said with a wry smile. "I highly doubt that..." Celestia's eyes went wide as a thought struck her. "Ms. Inkwell, if you could gather a few of my guards to make sure that TD and Emperor Fawkes do not interact, that would be lovely. Given that the last time TD was in the presence of griffin royalty he was mixed up in their assassination plots and whatnot, I feel that it would be a poor choice for them to meet up here. I'm sure you understand."
"Of course, Princess Celestia. I will have the guards escort Mr. and Mrs. Powell to a separate wing of the palace."
"Excellent." Celestia looked back down at her remaining papers and flipped through them. "Once we have the--"
Celestia let out an audible gasp and shot to her hooves, her papers scattering all over the floor. Floating in her aura was a single comic book with a completely blank title page, save for the title in bold black letters.
Man Comics
"Well, that isn't ideal, is it?" Raven said dryly.
Celestia took a deep breath to steady herself before speaking. "You always did have a talent for sarcastic understatement. Regardless, yes. I think it would be best if this were destroyed. I'm certain you remember what happened the last..." Celestia grimaced and flattened her ears. "Three times TD came into contact with one."
"Mrs. Powell found the experience positive, though I suppose your face did not."
"Yes, he..." Celestia sighed and closed her eyes. "Every Faust-damned time he punches me. It doesn't hurt, of course, but it is irritating, I must admit." Celestia shook her head. "No matter. I have it this time."
"I think you mean you did have it, Princess Celestia."
Celestia's eyes snapped open and, sure enough, the comic had disappeared from her magical aura. Celestia wheeled around to Raven, her wings flaring out. "Where did it go?!"
"I am unsure, Princess Celestia," Raven said, adjusting her glasses. "It merely vanished in a burst of white light."
"I..." Celestia facehooved. "Ms. Inkwell, please put all guards on full alert. I would also like TD confined to his quarters until the comic is found. If he comes into contact with Emperor Fawkes that could be disastrous for all of Equestria!"
"Of course, your majesty," Raven said with another bow. "I will inform them at once."
Before Celestia could say anything else, the doors to her throne room opened, and a single guard walked in. He went up to Celestia's throne and bowed low. "Princess Celestia, I have been sent to inform you that Emperor Fawkes and his guards have arrived. Shall I bring them to the throne room?"
"Y-yes, I think that would be wise." Celestia took another deep breath. There wasn't any need to panic. This was all happening in a controlled environment. Lock TD in his room, find the comic, destroy it, then it would all be over. No fuss, no worries, and no punches to the face.
"Also, Mr. and Mrs. Powell arrived a few minutes ago. I moved them to a room in the west wing."
Celestia sighed in relief. "Good. If you could have a few guards keep TD in his room, that would be most helpful."
The guard saluted. "Very well, we shall locate Mr. Powell and return him to his room."
"I..." Celestia tilted her head. "You don't know where he is?"
"No, Princess Celestia. He decided to take a small walk around the castle before dinner while his wife is taking a nap."
Celestia somehow went pale. Her wings fluttered as she tried to keep calm. Tearing the palace apart looking for him wouldn't do anypony any good. Yes, calm, rational thought was required here.
"Sergeant, inform all guards that TD is to be found and sent to his room until further notice immediately! Unless the palace catches on fire, he is not to leave that room! If it does catch on fire, he is to be escorted by me personally to a safe location." Her ear twitched. "He will not punch me in the face if that happens."
"Yes, Princess Celestia," the guard said, bowing low once more. "I will put all guards on full alert."
"Excellent." Celestia took a deep breath and sat back down on her throne. Calm, collected, contained.
The doors to the throne room opened again, and another guard rushed in, his eyes wide. "Princess Celestia! It's the human! He's--"
"Punching again?" Celestia said, suddenly feeling as old as she was. "Of course." She got back to her hooves and ran out of the room, the guards in tow. "Where is he?"
"I'm not sure, Your Highness," the second guard admitted. "I'm fairly positive that he's still in the palace. He--"
Punch!
"Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster said awesomely. Celestia squeaked in surprise, but lit her horn. She had a chance to contain the situation before it got out of control. Fortunately, The Punchmaster is awesome. He punched her spell away like a badass.
"TD, that is enough!" Celestia cried. "Today is not the best day for this!"
Punch!
"Nobody tells The Punchmaster what day it is!"
The force of the blow made Celestia's eyes close for a mere moment. When she opened them again, The Punchmaster had left to find other things to punch. Celestia looked down at her dazed guard who was muttering something. She only managed to pick up the word "awesome." She sighed and walked down the hallway in the direction she prayed The Punchmaster had gone.
"Fuck me," she muttered to herself.
* * * *
"And when shall Celestia arrive?" Emperor Fawkes said, peering down his beak at the poor overwhelmed servant.
"Sh-she will arrive shortly, I'm sure," the servant muttered, backing away from the griffin emperor. "A rather urgent matter has captured her attention."
Emperor Fawkes snorted and shared a glance with his two guards. "Indeed. Something more urgent than the leader of the most powerful country in the world?"
"Third most," the servant said, almost unheard.
Almost.
"You dare insult me when I am a guest in your country!" Emperor Fawkes roared. "If you do not get Celestia's sunny white plot in here this instant there shall be an international incident, is that clear?!"
The servant yipped and rushed out of the room, his tail between his legs. Fawkes allowed himself a smirk. Was this truly the standard for Celestia's servants? The thing had nearly wet himself in his glorious presence.
"I think today is going to be a good day," Emperor Fawkes said, walking up to Celestia's throne. He scoffed and shook his head. "I find this throne rather plain, don't you? Certainly not one befitting a ruler. Yes, I think Equestria is far weaker than their outward appearance would suggest."
"I agree, Emperor Fawkes," one of his guards said.
"I do not pay you to agree, but your observational skills are on point." Fawkes chuckled and placed his claw on the throne. "I wonder what the 'oh-so important' issue is. Perhaps she ran out of cake in the kitchens? Perhaps--"
Emperor Fawkes was cut off when the door to the throne room opened. He turned around, prepared to see Celestia running in to see him. She'd shoot off apologies and he'd gracefully accept them.
"So, Celestia, you've..." Emperor Fawkes raised an eyebrow in interest. "Indeed? Truly?" He let out an uproarious laugh. "Oh this is simply too rich! Instead of coming her herself, Celestia has sent her pet human to deal with me?"
The Punchmaster's eyes narrowed. Ooh, it was gonna go down now!
"I must thank you, really," Emperor Fawkes said idly as he examined his talons. "Without you I wouldn't have the throne. Aepnet chose a rather poor chess piece, didn't he?"
"The Punchmaster is not a chess piece," The Punchmaster growled.
Emperor Fawkes scoffed and rolled his eyes. "'The Punchmaster'? That's what you're calling yourself now? How remarkably droll."
"The Punchmaster doesn't need to listen to a bird whose guards have concussions."
The three griffins frowned and exchanged confused looks. "Concussions?" Emperor Fawkes said questioningly. "M-my guards don't have concussions."
Punch! Punch!
"The hell they don't!"
Emperor Fawkes gasped as he stared down at his now unconscious guards. He sputtered like an idiot for a few moments before turning back to The Punchmaster. "I see what this is now! Celestia has sent her own personal assassin!" He raised a shaky talon an pointed to The Punchmaster. "Admit it! She's trying to take over my lands! You've been sent her to destroy me! Well it won't work, I tell you! You are going to be destroyed!"
At that moment, a beam of light entered the throne room, perfectly illuminating Emperor Fawkes. He proudly spread his wings to their full extent, his posture perfect for one of his station. The gems on his crown shone like the morning sun itself. It was a sight that would bring any griffin to their knees, and any pony would gape in awe at the marvelous sight that would rival, nay, surpass Celestia at her most radiant.
"The proud people of Griffo--"
Punch!
* * * *
"So let me get this straight, Princess Celestia. You want me to act as bait and lure my husband back to our room?"
"Yes, dear Cheerilee. I know it is a strange request, but this is a matter most important. He may..." Celestia groaned and facehooved. "He may have just caused an international incident as I was foolish enough to not leave any guards in the throne room in case he went in there. Oh dear."
"That's not good," Cheerilee said, flattening her ears. "I might have to have a talk with him about that."
"If you could," Celestia grumbled. "Although I question how much control he truly has when he is in his 'Punchmaster' form."
"Enough for me," Cheerilee said happily. "You may not be happy about this, but I a--!"
Before Celestia could ask what had happened, she turned to see TD carrying Cheerilee over his shoulder towards their room.
"Punchmaster," he crooned, rubbing Cheerilee's back.
"Yes yes yes yes yes!" Cheerilee said tapping her hooves excitedly on The Punchmaster's back. "I brought the bracelet! It's in my bag that--"
"The Punchmaster already knows."
"Oh good." Cheerilee nuzzled his neck. "Potential international incidents aside, this is going to be so awesome!"
"I'm so thrilled that you think so," Celestia grumbled, turning away from the happy couple. She motioned to a nearby guard and pointed in the direction the two of them had gone. "Follow them and make sure they make it to their room, then lock the door and keep five guards posted until Emperor Fawkes leaves."
"Yes, Your Highness. We also have guards en route to the throne room."
"Very well. I am heading there myself."
The guard saluted and walked in the direction that The Punchmaster had gone. Celestia merely stood there, a serene smile on her face. When she was certain that she was alone, she bolted in the direction of the throne room as fast as she could. She quickly turned a corner at unhealthy speeds. Unfortunately, the palace staff had done an exceptional job of waxing the floor, and she slid right into the opposite wall, leaving a Celestia shaped dent. She couldn't focus on that. She had to keep going.
Celestia made it to the throne room in record time. Almost faster than a teleport. Almost but not quite. If the ditzy sun horse had just teleported, she'd be there quicker and without a dent in the wall. Maybe The Punchmaster had given her a concussion, too.
But whatever.
The sight that greeted her in the throne room was not optimal. Three of her guards stood awkwardly around the sprawled out bodies of Emperor Fawkes and two of his guards. A quick scan revealed that all three of them were still alive, merely unconscious. She bit her lip and fluttered her wings. She couldn't let them get injured... more than they already were. Being unconscious like that could be severely damaging.
On the other hoof, they'd be rather irate when she woke them up. Possibly "declare war" irate.
On the other, hoof, Griffonia would definitely declare war if their emperor died in her throne room. SO she had to wake them up. No matter, she was one of the greatest statesponies and negotiators in the world. She could fix this.
She had to fix this.
Despite a small part of her brain telling her not to, she lit her horn and cast a healing spell on Emperor Fawkes and his two guards. They instantly began stirring and groaning as they pushed themselves to a standing position.
"Whu- what happened?" Emperor Fawkes muttered thickly.
"Do you not remember?" Celestia said gently. If they truly didn't...
"I'm... not sure," Emperor Fawkes said, rubbing his head. "Perhaps I simply fell asleep from the flight over. They are rather draining."
"I completely understand," Celestia said, laughing lightly.
"That doesn't sound right," one of the guards muttered. "I remember something more awesome happening."
"Yes, yes, me too," Fawkes said. "But perhaps that was merely a dream I had."
"That would make sense. If you are still tired, you are welcome to my guest rooms until you are more refreshed."
"I think I might do that," Emperor Fawkes said, walking in the direction of the throne room doors. "We'll talk about that thing... later, I suppose."
"I am in no rush. Rest and regenerate, Emperor Fawkes. You have the rooms for as long as you need."
Celestia only got an unintelligible mumble in reply. Her guards opened the door to the throne room, then followed the emperor and his guards out, shutting the door behind them when they'd left. Celestia stared at the door. Had she really been that lucky?
"Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose," one of her guards said.
Punchmaster. There were so many of them. But there's only one Punchmaster so... Agh, I feel like things have been divided by zero here!
Ugh, and Celestia. If she weren't an alicorn, I'm certain that the five hundred and ninety four punches she received to the face would really hurt. She did teleport. She teleported all over Equestria. But they were always there. All of The Punchmasters (but there's only one Punchmaster so how?!) punching her right in the face.
And Cheerilee. No, there wasn't some big... look, she's married to one of them, and through her wifely intuition, she knew which one. It didn't hurt that The Punchmaster also knew he was married to Cheerilee, so she found the real one in the end.
Ugh, I wrote out "Punch" and "Punchmaster" so many times that a fist came through the computer and punched me right in the face. I suppose it was inevitable. I was playing the odds, and I had to lose at some point. At least I still have all of my teeth.
And a headache.
But it was so awesome.
I tried to figure out how The Punchmaster found the Mirror Pool in the first, place, but all I got was something about "nobody questions The Punchmaster."
So awesome.
But so many punches. I think Cadance and Twilight and Luna and Discord and a bunch of other powerful ponies had to band together to hold the universe together from so many punches. So many Punchmasters. But there's only one Punchmaster! I still don't get it!
Punch. Punch. Punch.
PUNCH!
Ow.
Celestia would have helped, but... you know. Pu-- I mean, she was busy.
There's only one Punchmaster, but there were thousands.
You ever read a word so many times it ceases to make sense, even if you don't have a concussion?
PUNCH
Two concussions?
Punch.
Stop!
I think Twilight and Luna and Cadance and Disodsaksmamsa osomethig put uther punshmashtersh different univershish. That's how they madsae one pushmarrrrrrrr.
I haven't lived in Ponyville all that long, but it's been long enough that I know that this small little hamlet is somehow the craziest place in all of Equestria. Case and point, the town is currently under attack by ponies with these helmets on their heads led by some dickweed named Sombrero, or something like that. I dunno. Something something something evil guy, something something something Elements of Harmony, something something something revenge.
It really didn't matter all that much, really. All I knew was that I found myself stuck in Mom's schoolhouse hiding behind her desk. I had to duck in here to avoid the patrols. Sombrero has captured and helmeted most of the town last I saw, but I don't think he got Mom and Dad. I don't even know if he had a helmet that would fit Dad. He doesn't exactly have a pony-shaped head.
In any case, I figured that the only thing to really do was sit and wait for Celestia or somepony like that to come rescue us. Maybe the Elements would get us out of this. I mean, this is better than when that herd of chupacabras rampaged through the town, but not quite as bad as when that large group of Bunyips that attacked us. The latter definitely required more cleanup.
Honestly, though? My biggest problem is boredom. I've been sitting under Mom's desk for almost two hours now, and there hasn't even been one of those tense scenes like from the movies where the bad guys come in and they start looking under desks and whatever, and just as they're about to look under the protagonist's bed or desk, they either get called away, or it turns out the good guy managed to slip underneath something else, but thanks to editing, it looks like they didn't have time to.
But no. I'm just under Mom's desk with nothing to do. I wish I had a coloring book or some cards or heck, even a stupid textbook, but no, I have nothing! I groan and thunk my head on the floor, but instead of hitting the hardwood, it's cushioned a bit by something... paper-y? I sit up and tilt my head when I see what appears to be a comic book underneath me, but the cover is blank except for the words MAN COMICS. Huh. Odd.
Well, at least it was something to do.
* * * *
"BWAHAHAHA! HE HE HEEE! Bow to me, peons! None of you will escape my grasp!" Sombra paced back and forth in front of Town Hall, his cape fluttering in the wind. He was surrounded by dozens of ponies in his mind control helmets, which were controlling ponies from both the Crystal Empire and Ponyville itself. Most of the citizens had been rounded up, with small patrols rounding up any that tried to hide.
"You'll never get away with this!" Bon Bon cried, glaring at Sombra. "Th princesses or the Elements will destroy you!"
Sombra scoffed and waved his hoof. "Oh, I'm afraid that will not be happening, my dear. Once I've taken over this silly little town and destroyed the Elements and their bearers, my army will march into Canterlot, and the princesses will fall to me! None shall oppose me! All will fear the name So--"
It was right then that one of the windows right behind Sombra completely shattered. That tends to happen when an armored, mind controlled crystal pony is thrown straight through it. Everypony just stared at the spot where the window used to be. Sombra blinked in confusion, then turned to the crowd.
"Wh-what was that? Who did that?" He bared his teeth in a snarl. "Who dares attack one of my soldiers?! I'll--"
The window on the other side shattered as yet another soldier was thrown straight through it.
"Enough!" Sombra roared. "Who? Who is attacking me?"
"Uh, I think it's her," one of Sombra's soldiers said, pointing at, of all things, a batpony filly who couldn't have been older than twelve. Odd.
Sombra scoffed. "Oh, how droll," he said with a wave of his hoof. "As if some smarmy little foal could defeat me."
"She already beat two of your soldiers with no effort," Sea Swirl pointed out.
"As if," Sombra replied with a roll of his eyes. He pointed to one of his soldiers, then motioned to Comet. "Seize her. I'm certain I have a helmet of her size."
The soldier bowed to Sombra, then trotted up to Comet. Just as he reached his hoof out to grab her, Comet spread her wings, grabbed the soldier by his hoof, twirled him over her head, then hurled his straight at Sombra. Sombra squeaked in fear, then ducked. The soldier whizzed past where his head had been a moment earlier and smashed straight into town hall's door.
"Holy shit balls, it is her!" Sombra cried. "Seize her! Get her now! I won't have some foal embarrassing my-- whoa!" Another soldier flew past Sombra, and the citizens of Ponyville began to consider that a fair few of their tax bits were going to be put toward repairing town hall again.
"This can't be happening," Sombra growled, running his hoof down his face as the filly dodged and threw his soldiers like they were dolls. "I'll do it myself!" He lit his horn and encased the filly in his magic. The filly just gave him a blank look at tilted her head at him. Sombra let out another evil laugh, and his horn crackled with evil energy. "A fine effort, foal, but all for naught. I think you'll end up being a valuable soldier! Sombra floated a small helmet over to Comet and slid it right over her head, relishing the sound of it clicking on.
"Oh, that's not good," Lyra muttered.
"You are a smarter one!" Sombra crowed to Lyra. "Your secret weapon is all mine! This filly is clearly powerful, and--"
Sombra's evil monologue was cut off when the helmet slammed straight into his head. The helmet shattered like an egg upon impact. Sombra's eyes and mouth widened as he stared at the broken remains of the filly-sized helmet. "I... puh... duh..."
"I was talking about you," Lyra said. "If I had to guess, she found a Man Comic."
"A comic book?" Sombra groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "It doesn't matter. It's my entire army versus one tiny foal!" He pointed at Comet, who was giving him a bored look. "Destroy her! Destroy her now!"
Within moments, Comet found herself surrounded by almost fifty of Sombra's soldiers. The horns of the unicorn soldiers crackled with black magic, and before Comet could even think about running, they all shot their magic at her. The magic engulfed her, and for a solid minute, the soldiers didn't let up their vicious assault as Sombra laughed in a very evil manner.
You know, like you do.
Eventually, the assault stopped, and the soldiers powered down their horns. "Now with her out of the way, I can-- Oh me dammit!"
Comet stood there, a blank expression on her face. The ground around her smoked, but she didn't have a single hair on her head singed in the slightest. Sombra's eye twitched.
"I... how...? That attack would have destroyed Celestia herself!"
"Uh... I don't think she gives a fuck," Cloud Kicker said.
A slight smirk crossed Comet's face, and before Sombra could issue a further command, she shot forward with her hoof outstretched. It smashed straight into one of the helmets on a pony, shattering it instantly. The pony, who turned out to be Blossomforth, collapsed onto the ground with a gasp and a cry of "I'm free!"
Comet pinballed off of her and into the next pony, shattering their helmet as well. The third one reacted faster and swung his hoof at her when she turned her attention to him, but she flipped in midair like she was in the friggin' Matrix, or something like that, and swung back around to punch him in the back of he head, instantly destroying his helmet as well.
"NO! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!" Sombra roared. "DESTROY HER! DESTROOYYYY HERRRR!"
* * * *
Celestia took a dainty bite of grapefruit before raising her teacup up for a sip of her favorite camomile tea. She sighed in contentment as her warm sun shone brightly and happy birds chirped outside of her window. Celestia smiled as the doors to her dining room opened and Luna walked in, her eyelids drooping slightly from the stress of her night.
"Grmph," Luna grumbled in response. "So. Many. Nightmares." Luna plopped down in her seat and laid her head on the table. "But on the plus side, I know that the new horror movie is good."
"Well, it's a good thing that you are there to protect them from their nightmares," Celestia replied before taking another bite of grapefruit. "As for me, I don't think that there's anything too stressful in my schedule, and today has the makings of a glorious day overall."
"Yes, yes," Luna muttered. "Have fun with whatever you have planned. I'm going to bed."
"Yes, that might be a good idea," Celestia said, picking up the newspaper she had neatly folded next to her. "I'm sure that by tomorrow--"
PUNCH!
Celestia flew back in shock as a hoof shot through the paper straight into her muzzle. In her surprise, she'd shot out a beam of magic that bounced off of the ceiling and obliterated the table in front of her. She laid on the floor for a few moments, waiting for the ringing sound to dissipate before sitting up and sliding the grapefruit off of her horn.
"What happened?!" Luna cried, running over to her sister. "Were you attacked?"
"I... suppose so," Celestia said, standing up and gingerly lifting the newspaper up in her magic. It had a filly hoof-shaped hole in it. "This doesn't appear to be a prank. Somehow a hoof came through the newspaper and punched me in the--" Celestia's eyes widened, and she tossed the newspaper onto what was left of the table. "There's something wrong in Ponyville. Something to do with TD." She turned to her sister. "Luna, if--"
She blinked in surprise when she saw an empty spot on the floor where Luna had previously been standing. She looked to the door just in time to see it swing shut. Celestia sighed and facehooved. She'd have to do it herself, then.
* * * *
"WHYYY WHYYYY WHYYYY?!" Sombra wailed as each of his soldiers was given an ass-kicking of epic proportions, freeing them from his control. "How can you all fail to defeat a filly?!"
"'Cause she's fucking awesome, that's why!" Roseluck said, popping her head up over the rain barrel she'd been hiding behind. "You're not gonna beat somepony that cool!"
Steam came out of Sombra's ears as the townsfolk gave various noises of agreement, giving Comet time to shake off the newspaper that she'd punched through as it floated by. Crackling black electricity formed around his horn, and he took a combat stance, homing in on the filly who had caused him so many problems over the past few minuted. "Enough! You are going to kneel before me, you--"
Sombra really shouldn't have bothered with the villain speech stuff. Not that it would have mattered because Comet didn't give a fuck anyway, but it would have probably made him feel a little bit better all things considered. Before he could fire his black magic, Comet flew straight to him, punched him in the gut, then shot into the air, balancing the mad tyrant on her hoof.
"NONO! STOP!" Sombra cried. "PUT ME DOooooooooo..."
The various townsponies all stared into the air where Comet had flown up with Sombra. The cloud overhead had a Sombra-shaped hole in it. They'd just started to wonder if they'd ever come down when they heard something coming from the sky.
"...oooooooooOOOWNNNN!"
The entire town shook with the impact of Sombra's landing. The ground now sported its own Sombra-shaped hole right underneath the one in the cloud. For a moment, there was no noise. Not even birds chirped as everycreature (yes, including the aforementioned birds) stared at the new hole in the ground.
"Did... did she win?" Caramel finally said. "Is it over?"
"I guess so," Sea Swirl said. "I can't see how he would have survived that."
"Yeah, I guess," Caramel said, walking over to the hole and looking down. "But is she--?"
PUNCH!
Caramel flew back as Comet shot out of the hole, punching Caramel in the face as she did. The crowd let out a collective gasp as Comet zoomed toward Time Turner, her hoof outstretched.
"Oh no! Oh no she's not done!" Daisy cried. "Everypony run!"
Panic resumed.
* * * *
"Okay, girls. Sombra has taken over the town, and now that we have our Elements, we can stop him!" Twilight said as the Mane Six raced toward Ponyville. "He won't hurt anypony ever again!"
"Heck yeah he won't!" Rainbow Dash cried with a midair hoof pump. "We'll show him how we do things here in Ponyville! We'll... WHOA!"
Rainbow Dash rolled to the side as Lily flew past, barely missing her. The Mane Six all skidded to a halt and turned to Lily, who has lying on the ground where she impacted and groaning.
"What happened?" Twilight cried as the group ran up to her. "What's going on? Is it Sombra? Are you hurt?"
Lily groaned and slowly sat up, rubbing her head. "Yeah, Sombra. Yeah, he's been defeated and all that. Atomized, maybe."
"What?" Rarity said with a frown and tilt of her head. "Then what is the issue? Who is attacking you?"
"Comet," Lily said, waving a hoof in the direction of Ponyville. "She kicked Sombra's ass, but she's still going."
"Comet beat Sombra?!" Twilight asked, her eyes widening. "How is that possible? And why is she still fighting?"
"I think she found a Man Comic," Lily said. "It's the only thing that makes sense."
Twilight's eyes somehow widened even further before narrowing to slits. "Oh, I see," she growled. She whirled around and began stomping toward Ponyville. "Girls, formation. We're dealing with this Man Comic thing once and for all!"
"If you see her, tell her I think she's awesome!" Lily called out after them.
Twilight let out a noise of disgust as the six friends resumed their run to Ponyville. It wasn't long before they saw the destruction in front of them. Houses had holes, stalls were smashed, and ponies were lying on the ground with various states of injury, many groaning about something awesome. Twilight considered for a brief moment that it couldn't be all Comet's doing, but some of it was, and she needed to fix that. Finally, they came to the middle of town square and spotted the filly in question standing in the middle of absolute destruction. Town hall would need a lot of repairs.
"Comet Screech Powell!" Twilight roared, taking a combat stance. "You had better stop this Man Comic crap right now!" Comet blinked and tilted her head at Twilight before turning to face her. Twilight grunted in response. "Yeah, just calm down and we'll figure this out." Comet's wings flared out, and Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Oh no, no, don't you dare! You put your wings back and we'll have a conversation like civilized ponies!" Comet's wings flapped once. "No! Don't you--!" Comet shot forward, her hoof outstretched. Twilight groaned and rubbed her temple. "Fuck me. Okay girls, ready with the Elements!"
"Are you sure, Twilight?" Pinkie asked. "She is just a--"
"READY WITH THE ELEMENTS!" Twilight lit her horn, and the Element of Magic began to glow. The other Elements followed suit, and the group began levitating in the air. A manic grin crossed Twilight's face, and her eye started twitching. "No more of this Man Comic crap. I'm done with it. Take that!"
A beam of weapons-grade love and tolerance shot out of the Elements, meeting Comet mid-charge and completely enveloping her. Manic laughter filled the air for a few seconds as the Elements worked their magic, or whatever it is that they do to cleanse people. Finally, the light faded, and the Mane Six floated back to the ground...
Only to see Comet still charging at them.
"I just... wha...?" Twilight's jaw dropped and her eye twitched. "But... how?! We blasted her with the Elements!"
Fluttershy tapped Twilight on the shoulder. "Uh, Twilight? I don't think she gives a fuck."
Twilight began grinding her teeth together as her eye twitch became more violent. She ground her hoof into the ground, and a growl began forming in her throat. However, it died as quickly as it came, and Twilight deflated, feeling very tired all of a sudden.
"I know she doesn't."
The bowling pin sound of Comet crashing into the Elements could be heard all the way to the Crystal Empire. Rainbow Dash had been flying as per usual, so she managed to dodge the attack. However, that didn't mean she was okay. Before she could react (yes, really) Comet grabbed her by the leg, swung her around a few times, then hurled her as hard as she could. Rainbow Dash flew back with one last cry of "You're so awesooooooooo..."
Twilight could only facehoof.
* * * *
Cheerilee and I rushed to the middle of town which was where the groaning, injured townsponies told us that Comet would be. We'd been worried sick that we couldn't get to her, but we were trapped in Sugarcube Corner while Sombra's patrols scoured the city. I'd never actually had to face him, but by all accounts he was a nasty character.
A great weight in my chest faded away when, sure enough, Comet was in the middle of town. She was lying on the only not destroyed bench in the area. A quick check when we reached her revealed that she wasn't hurt, just completely conked out.
"Thank Celestia," Cheerilee whispered as I scooped Comet up and held her close. "We were so worried about you, Comet."
Comet muttered something in her sleep and nuzzled into a comfortable spot in my shoulder. Now that I knew she was safe, I could take better stock of my surroundings. There were a fair few townsponies all lying on the ground. Most of them looked fine, and some were even starting to get up, but many of them had bruises. Sombra must have really done a number on them. To my surprise, though, five of the Mane Six were splayed out as well, each of them wearing their respective Element.
"Wow. Sombra must have really done a number on this place," I said. "Did you guys beat him, then? Where's Rainbow Dash?"
"I hate you," Twilight grumbled. "I hate you all. You and your stupid fucking Man Comics."
Cheerilee and I exchanged a shocked look as Mayor Mare trotted up to us, looking like one of the only ponies who didn't have any injuries.
"So... Comet defeated Sombra?" I asked, turning to Mayor Mare.
Mayor Mare nodded with a grin. "Most certainly, Mr. Powell. You should have seen it!"
"Kinda wish I could have." I frowned and tilted my head. "So she beat him even after he beat the Elements?"
"No, Sombra didn't beat the Elements. Your daughter... ah..." Mayor Mare spun her hoof as she thought of the words. "Took to her Man Comic possession with great zeal. She continued attacking even once Sombra and his minions were defeated."
"Whoa," I muttered to myself. "So Twilight and her friends..."
"That was Comet's doing," Mayor Mare confirmed.
"Wow." I held her a little tighter and raised my eyebrow. "So... she's not in trouble, is she?"
Mayor Mare scoffed while Cheerilee just gave me a confused look. "For what? Kicking ass? Not in Ponyville, I assure you," Mayor Mare said.
I blinked. "Uh..."
"What would I even charge her with?" Mayor Mare asked.
"I mean..." I motioned around. "Destruction of property, assault, assault on national heroes--"
Mayor Mare rolled her eyes. "Mr. Powell, I admit that I am ignorant of how things work on Earth, but here in Ponyville, we appreciate badassery on this scale. We're all good, honest, hardworking ponies, and this is just too bitchin' to punish in any way. Why, even Miss Sparkle here kicked the horseapples out of you wife's class one day while you were on your journey, and punishment wasn't even considered!"
Twilight groaned and briefly raised a hoof in acknowledgement.
"Huh. Interesting." I shrugged and patted Comet on the back. "Well, I guess we should just let her sleep this off. Manderley shouldn't be too damaged, if at all. She needs rest most of all, I suppose."
"Of course, Mr. Powell," Mayor Mare said with a nod. "You get her to bed, and we'll, ah, figure out our latest rebuild."
Before I could say anything else, Celestia of all ponies landed next to us. "I'm here. What do you need? What has happened? Why is the town destroyed again, and why is my student injured?"
"Sombra attacked and Ms. Screech stopped him with the powers of a Man Comic," Mayor Mare explained.
Celestia flinched back and stared at Comet as though she'd wake up and go on another rampage. When nothing happened, she relaxed and turned back to Mayor Mare. "Well, I... suppose that is good. I shall bring ponies to help fix Ponyville and do whatever else needs to be done."
"Yeah, and we're getting Comet to bed." I chuckled and turned to Celestia. "But hey, at least you didn't get punched in the face this time."
Celestia glared at me, flipped me her middle feather, then walked away without another word.
Weird.
Well, with nothing else to do, Cheerilee and I went back to Manderley to get Comet into bed, glad to have all of this behind us.
Rainbow Dash finally made it back into town three days later.
The sun was shining, the air was perfect, and for once in a long time, I didn't have any responsibilities. The library was clean and the books had been reshelved, all of my projects were either done or in progress in a way that didn't require my immediate attention. I was walking through the park with a saddlebag holding my lunch and a new book that I was in the middle of. I waved to the various ponies that I came across as I made my way to my favorite reading tree. As I walked, I noticed TD and his family playing Frisbee with each other. TD noticed me and smiled.
"Hey, Twi. Busy day?"
I shook my head. "Oh no. The opposite, actually. I'm gonna have some reading time underneath the tree there and eat my lunch. It's too nice of a day to just sit around cooped up in the library, you know?"
"Definitely," TD said, flipping the Frisbee up where Oswald attempted to catch it, but being Oswald, he missed completely. "The fam and I are gonna hit Sugarcube Corner after this."
"Sounds like a good ti--"
My eyes widened and my pupils dilated to pinpricks as I saw what Oswald had picked up instead of the Frisbee. I'd seen them enough to know what this was. Somehow, some way, Oswald had one of the Man Comics that keep popping up around Ponyville. TD frowned and tilted his head.
"You okay, Twilight?" he asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Uh..." I gulped, then chuckled uneasily at him. "Oh, just a... random shoot of pain. Nothing too bad. You know how sometimes you get random pain?"
TD and Cheerilee gave me a flat look while Comet scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Twilight, I've been a parent long enough to spot a bad lie," Cheerilee said. "What's really going on?"
"Whaddya got there, Oswald?" Comet said.
No. No, no, no, I wasn't letting this happen.
TD turned around and raised his eyebrow when he saw the Man Comic. He reached his hand out for Oswald to give it to him while a gigantic grin crossed Cheerilee's face.
"Interesting," TD said. "Very interesting."
"Oh no you don't!" I roared. With a burst of magic I tore the comic out of his claws and backed away a few hooves. "You're not reading this! I'm tired of all of the punching!"
"Oh come on, Twilight! There's more to it than the punching!" Cheerilee insisted.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I growled. "I'm not dealing with any Punchmasters or anything like that today!"
"Or bat ponies who don't give a fuck?" Comet chimed in.
My eyes narrowed. "Especially bat ponies who don't give a fuck. I've had enough of this nonsense to last a lifetime."
"Probably for the best. You wouldn't want to blast anypony with the Elements of Harmony, would you?" Comet growled.
"It was... I mean... you were..." I let out a frustrated groan. "It doesn't matter!" I ran to my favorite reading tree and scrambled up the branches just out of reach of the four of them. I mean, I guess not Comet or Oswald because they could fly, but the point stands! "In fact, let's see how you like it! Let's see how you feel when somepony else runs around punching things!"
TD uneasily rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, Twilight? I don't know if that's a good idea."
"Au contraire! I think it's a wonderful idea!" I adjusted the Man Comic so that it was right side up and began reading. "I mean (snerk) you've read several of them and you just punch! Now it's my (ha ha) turn! I get to (hee hee, that's hysterical) punch!" My eye twitched. "In fact, I can feel it working! I want to punch things!" With that, I hopped out of the tree, grabbed the Frisbee and punched it. "Punchmaster!" All of us watched as it flew straight in the direction of Canterlot.
* * * *
I walked down the hallway of my palace, my ever-faithful aide Raven Inkwell following beside me, a clipboard in her magic.
"So you have a few hours of free time between now and when you need to meet the Zebrican ambassador for the state dinner."
"Well, I think that sounds lovely," I replied with a happy little smile. "The two of us have alwa--"
I was cut off when I felt something hit my horn. It circled around for a few moments before coming to a rest. I glanced up to see, of all things, a Frisbee hanging off of my horn. Hm. It's been a few years since that's happened.
"You have a Frisbee on your horn," Raven said.
"As observant as ever," I replied, taking the horn in my magic. "Perhaps it was thrown by some foal just coming in to her magic, and she lost control. Maybe it has a name on it so I can--" Oh for goodness sakes. I quietly sighed and facehooved. "Powell. It says Powell."
"Should I try to schedule some free time tomorrow, Highness?"
"If you can."
* * * *
"Punchmaster!"
Power coursed through me as I punched things. Trees! Park benches! Flowers! Grass! Nothing escaped my awesome-tastic punching powers! Everypony was looking at me like I was a madmare, but that hardly mattered. I'm certain that they looked at TD the same way when he was under the effects of a Man Comic. I'd drawn a crowd, no doubt due to my awesomeness. If this was how he felt while under its influence, no wonder he kept reading them whenever he found one. I hadn't felt this supercharged since the sonic rainboom caused that surge that got me into Celestia's school!
"Twilight, if you stop punching we can deal with this," TD foolishly said.
"Never! I am the Punchmaster!" I roared as I punched a light pole, causing it to shake a little bit.
"No, you're not," Cheerilee said.
"Don't talk her out of this, Mom," Comet said with a huge grin. "This is great blackmail material!"
I rushed toward Comet, swinging at the camera she had in her hooves. I may be ultra-powerful right now, but I wasn't going to just let her take pictures of me like that. Naturally she flew out of my reach, but I'd get her eventually!
Or maybe I shouldn't. She was just a filly, after all.
A filly who had beaten me and my friends! Besides, I got in that fight with Cheerilee's class. When I'm in "the zone" I have no trouble fighting children.
I just had to catch her first.
"Oswald! Get that camera from Comet!"
Oswald, who was perched on the aforementioned light pole, tilted his head and looked at me, then Comet, then back to me before shaking his head. Oh dear. This might be getting a little out of control. I needed to get back to normal as soon as possible! If my observations were correct, then the only way an adult pony could be free of the Man Comic's influence was...
Crap.
I punched the light pole again in frustration, shaking it enough that it dislodged Oswald.
"I... I can't stop punching!" I cried, taking a few swings at TD. "I think there's only one cure!"
TD's eyes widened. "Oh no, I don't think that's a good idea. Cheerilee and I are married, so it--"
"I don't know how else to stop it!" I moaned, punching my saddlebag across the park. My eyes met Rainbow Dash, who was staring at me like I was a madpony. She'd do. I ran up to her and tackled her. "Rainbow! I need you to help me cure myself!" I punched the ground around her.
"Uh... I dunno if..."
"You have to! I could punch forever!"
"Can somepony get a bucket of water, or something?" Roseluck asked.
"Maybe just a box," Lyra said. "A box and some rocks."
"Does anypony have a really rare book?" Bon Bon asked.
My ears perked at the sound of that, but no, it wouldn't work. I grabbed Rainbow's head and pulled her face-to-face. "You gotta help me!"
"Come on, Twi, I don't even swing tha--"
"As a friend you must!" I shot up and punched a tree with enough force that it cracked a little bit. "I can't stop myself!"
Rainbow uneasily rubbed the back of her neck. "I mean... shouldn't you at least take me out to dinner first, or something?"
* * * *
"How's your pasta?"
"It's fine."
"Alfredo, right?"
"Yep. Your salad tasting alright?"
"I think so, yes."
Rainbow Dash sighed and facehooved. "This is the last time I make a joke like that."
"Well, it should be helpful," I pointed out as I lightly punched the salt shaker off of the table for what had to have been the hundredth time. Rainbow caught it and placed it back on the table as usual. "I'm definitely never reading a Man Comic ever again."
"Please don't," Rainbow groaned. "It's not funny or kickass when you do it."
I glared at Rainbow and punched the salt shaker off again. "Well excuse me for not being used to its powers!"
"Comet kicked ass with it," Rainbow pointed out.
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I know. I just--"
I cried out in shock when I felt somepony touch me on the shoulder. I spun around with my hoof extended and felt it connect with somepony's face.
"I'm so sorry!" I wailed. "I can't control it right now a--"
My eyes widened to their full extent, and my pupils dilated to pinpricks. Behind me stood Princess Celestia herself. I had just punched Princess Celestia in the face!
A slight frown creased her face, and she tilted her head ever so slightly. "Are you okay, Twilight?"
"Meep."
"Spike sent me a letter, and I was hit by the Frisbee. Care to explain?"
"Meep."
"TD said you read a Man Comic. I know how it affected him and Comet, so I'm concerned about you."
"Meep."
Behind me I heard Rainbow Dash chuckle. "Now this is getting good."
* * * *
"So yeah, that's why I can never go back," I said glumly, poking at my root beer float with my straw.
"Are you sure?" Sunset asked. "It sounds to me like Princess Celestia didn't seem particularly angry with you."
"I think she was just in shock that I had done that." I muttered. "Maybe she was so mad she couldn't react."
"I highly doubt that, darling," Rarity said. "If what you said is true, you were under the influence of some powerful magic."
"I should have been stronger," I moaned, thunking my head on the table. "I shouldn't have read it. I should have just burned it, or something like that."
"How do ya know that would have worked?" Applejack pointed out.
The other Twilight perked up. "Yeah! Maybe the only way to get rid of one of these Man Comics is to actually read one. I mean, nobody finds the one that's just been read, right?"
"Maybe." I sighed and pushed my float aside. "And the worst part is that I don't even have an ID here, so I can't even have alcohol."
"Maybe that's a good thing, Twilight," Pinkie said as she finished her Piña Colada. "You probably shouldn't be drinking right now."
"Not like you could keep up anyway," Rainbow said with a grin before drinking a third shot of tequila.
"I'm having water, if that helps you, Twilight," Fluttershy chimed in.
Sunset gave her a flat look. "After your mini Long Island Iced Tea, yes."
"Thanks for your support, girls, but I'm finished. Kaput. The other girls will write in the book if they need me to use my Element." I took a deep breath and sat up. "So which one of your houses can I stay at?"
"Probably best you stay at your own place," a familiar voice behind me said. I turned around and groaned when I saw TD, Cheerilee, Comet and Princess Celestia. Whelp. I had a good run.
"I'm not mad at you, Twilight," Celestia insisted. "I know what happens when a Man Comic appears."
"Called it," Sunset muttered beside me.
Celestia gave Sunset a happy smile before turning back to me. "In the future, give any Man Comics you find to me so I can safely dispose of them."
"Aw," Cheerilee groaned.
"I guess that's a good idea," I said. I sighed and slowly stood up. "Well, it's been fun, but I guess I'd better go back to Equestria now."
"Well now hold on," TD said. "We're in a human world. I haven't seen other humans in fifteen years!"
"Yeah, good point!" Comet replied. "We should have some fun if we're here." She walked up to the bar and sat down. "One shot of your finest vodka, please!"
