Rainbow Dash has come to the conclusion that Applejack is gay.
Her evidence?
Not very satisfying.
This calls for a trip to Twilight's Castle.
This was a long shot idea fic, but let's see where it goes.
Chapters (1)
EnderDash_13
Joined 11th Feb, 2015 ·
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Hope to see more!!
Amazing
So many idiot Rainbow fics. Make it stop.
And it comes out fluttershy and rarity are the only straight ones
That leaves Fluttershy and Rarity.
7745903 If you don't like it: DON'T READ!
Just because you don't like something doesn't mean they have to stop just for you
7747642 Sorry.
this is why
Overall, pretty enjoyable fic! Just one thing: it's Applejack, not AppleJack. Keep doing what you're doing!
lolwut
I usually don't comment a lot but this was kinda funny and appledash and twipie are my favorite ships with rarishy so yay!
All right, constructive criticism (as if I was able to...):
This is your second story, and you tried to do something short and simple. That was a good idea, one that I agreed to do too.
Keeping that in mind, you tried to put too much stuff in it. I mean, this story is barely 2k words long and you squeezed into it AppleDash, TwiPie, and the gay-is-'kay lesson. All while putting some jokes into it. Result... We just got a taste of all.
Which is still good as a thing for practice, but not for the plot.
Here's how I read this fic:
straight)
Dash asks Aj if she's gay but, for some reason, Aj doesn't want to give a straight answer. (Ha,
They go consulting Twilight, for some reason, and TwiPie suddenly drops (this one was actually hilariously delivered).
Aj delivers the moral lesson. Bluntly. And Pinkie's story hide a sad and dramatic subplot of Twilight refusing to come out with her friends. Not good, especially for a Comedy.
RD and Aj try out if they're gay. To no one surprise, they both are.
An ending that implies an orgy, because why not.
Now, if you still want to read my opinion, let's explore more deeply those points.
First, the story begins with a disgruntled Aj. Why? That seemed a little OOC for me, since she's always friendly. And yes, I read the "she wanted a peaceful morning" part but the dialogue still looks off to me.
Then, why do they go to Twilight? Applejack could have easily said, "No sugar' I ain't gay." Dash could have insisted for a proof, and afterward Aj would have considered a neutral opinion from a mutual friend. I know, I'm being pedantic. But it would have looked more realistic.
The part where they bust Twilight is funny. At least, I find it funny.
Now, one critic that sombrony addressed me at my second fic. That moral speech... we know that you want to share a lesson, a good lesson, but you can't deliver it so bluntly. It was like reading it off from a textbook, and it didn't sound like the character at all. Furthermore, you used a cliche line. I know it's hard, but it's important trying to find out original phrases for the same messages or the reader gets used to the same message.
Then, they read a book about sexuality. That's good, a lot of people could learn a lot just by informing themselves a little about the argument, there's more than you would think about it. And what do they learn from it?
) and Twilight and Pinkie suddenly propose a foursome.
Kiss, see how that goes.
...
That's all they can find in a book? I think you just wanted to skip ahead, but that's a very inaccurate advice.
Let's skip forward... after the kiss, Aj is suddenly more chirpy than before about all the matter (guess she needed to get laid
Dude, they just found out about their orientation, give them a break.
I know that this story is a Comedy and that you simplified a lot of things in order to make the story more light-pitched, but it just goes dumb at some points.
I should add that I read a lot of stuff like this, so I grew bored out of it and that's maybe why I'm being so... you choose the word.
You actually did a good job under certain points of view, and I hope that this will help your future work. (or maybe I just like to hurt your feelings. Who knows.
)
7755670
The criticism is much appreciated! I was waiting for someone to put something THAT long. I will admit you have some good points. I'll review over those and fix what I need to in the story revision. But thank you again for such helpful (and honest
) criticism. Again, much appreciated.