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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Dagnamit, I was so hopping that Side Slip would have accompanied Twilight to her diplomatic mission, and constantly try to hump her silly, or be her footstool when she needs to stretch her legs for what ever convoluted reasons that you could have come up with. Oh, guess I will just have to wait to see it later then. I think it was actually a very good chapter I love how you managed to convey the sense urgency in Twilight's mission and demonstrate how much political power that Celestia was actually empowering her with. I loved the part in Celestia's massage where the rest of the Elements tried to come ad help Twilight. Aside from a little detail it was all gold to me.
Interesting.
A cloaked figure stood before the leader of the pack the hood hiding any clues of identity a smoking pipe hangs out twitching as it speaks
"You have the white unicorn mare?"
"you have the bits?" as the mare is shown off to the stranger.
"Are you my new master?" she purred prancing like a silly horse...
"You tainted the goods" Smoke poured from the pipe "I shall take what's mine & I will end you!"
Twilight came too late - old iron locks and stone walls of a castle are no match to claws and flames,
canine flesh was no barrier from the rage and fury.
He held Rarity close looking up from the pit of distruction & gore "Twilight please can you fix her?"
"bad doggies all gone - cute lizard".... "dude you were awesome!"
" Thanks for the air drop".
Can't stop a love struck armored flamthrowing tank called Spike.
I have a bad feeling about this rescue operation...
I've had a hunch about Long Strider since he was introduced, and so far that niggling paranoia is still on the table. I'm interested to see whether Rarity's escape attempt fails, is a rousing success, or is just the start of something even more sinister.
There's only very few chapters left? Nuuuuu I honetly thought we were still at the beginning of this story...
Suggestion: don't do this. Really. Ever.
There are certain things that can be transposed from movies into prose, but flashbacks just do not work, or at least definitely not this way. You need to segue in and out of them far more delicately than just leaving title cards.
On that note: you should probably do away with the title cards too. It just looks sloppy. The vast majority of people following the story will be aware where our characters were prior, and if any changes happened (time of day, location, etc.) then the description of the environment should be all they need to deduce that.
Geez, is Twi taking an oath of moment in this chapter? Feels absurdly formal and theatrical when compared to what you usually see in the show.
Celestia and Luna, the latter in particular, acted a little strange. Way too angry. I won't say they're OOC, since I can imagine that recent events have touched old wounds, so they have a good reason to be pissed off, but I think they'd show it off far more subtly. The last thing you would want to show your student right before sending them off on a dangerous mission is a loss of composure.
Addendum to my previous comment: in contrast to the flashback, the letters fit into the chapter far better. This is what you'd want to do in case you want to fit in exposition or references to past events smoothly. Dialogues are the best by far, after which you can rely on letters, diaries, books, and so on. This is a written medium, so you'll want to make use of the same media within the story, same as how you focus on visuals and sounds in movies. You don't use visual gimmicks from movies in a book, same as how you don't add walls of text into a movie.
That just made my day
Not bad...