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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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No. Just... no. Why?
I mean, I was gonna complain that this story was better off as "porn in disguise" than to start showing overt smut (e.g characters touching private parts, even though the main gimmick is still the enslavement), but I could just about get over that. Any mention of Faust, on the other hand, is an instant red flag for me.
That aside, this is still one of the best stories that I've read in this category by far. Looking forward to where it goes. Just... please cut out the dumb fandom memes.
Bravo! Very nicely crafted and worked. There was just one real typo I saw.
Its location is so secret even
So we now have the reason why two mighty alicorns don't fly to Rarity's rescue, a rather potent defense against them too. And it is revealed how big a target Twilight has made of her new friend. Side has part of Twilight in him, what would happen if he now fell into... unsavory hooves? Could that part be extracted, used to make Twilight's own bridle?
Still too is the real reasoning behind Raarg's constant mantra that slaving Rarity will bring his people safety. Is he banking on one of the alicorns to come? Is he instead hoping that she can be sold for enough to buy them new lands?
Why doesn't Celestia guard her borders, if this sort of thing has become known about?
Damn you for cliff-hangering. I do this to my readers all the time, and now I see the delicious agony I leave them in. It is a good pain.
Great chapter as always although I think some of your lore raises further questions:
-Even if Luna can't go to the Badlands herself, what's stopping her from sending a big chunk of her Nightguard there, demanding Rarity's immediate release? Or what's stopping the monarchs of declaring war on the Diamond Dogs? You said that they are in a really bad shape right now, so they shouldn't be able to do anything if that happens.
-During the S4-finale, when the alicorns gave Twilight their power, they've already known that Discord has betrayed them, so Celestia saying that they "hadn’t updated the plan to account for Discord being loose" isn't true.
-If Sombra had already finished the bridles for Celestia and Luna (and appearantly even had enough time to send some more copies to the Diamond Dogs), why didn't he use them right away when they attacked him directly?
I'm also not sure if including Nightmare Rarity is a good idea. Her appearance doesn't make much sense since the Nightmare Creatures who infested her mind where vanquished/turned good (though I might remember this wrong, it has been a while since I read that comic), but the comic also isn't considered main-canon. I think including secondary and tertiary main characters (like Discord or Nightmare Rarity) in a story like this would make it much more complicated and convoluted than it needs to be, but of course that's your decision.
I'm sure I'll enjoy this story anyways, I just wanted to point out my concerns.
7536675 Sigh, I know. It's always struck me as kind of cheesy as well. Calling out to Faust that is. But then who else is a semi-divine being going to call out to during extreme moments? Maybe, "Oh, Elements!" might have been better. If you've got suggestions for something better I'm more than willing to hear and probably use them in the future.
Hey, I'm learning here.
7536777
I think it is safe to tell you that those would definitely be among options being considered by the diarchs.
They hadn't had time to update the plan, so they went with what they had. My fault for not explaining that better or using a better word choice.
He didn't have them to hand when they attacked. Plus, he thought he could take both of the Sisters down in straight up battle. Right up until the point where he accidentally unleashed a proto Nightmare Moon who went medieval on his crystal ass. I know you have probably watched the linked video, but if you haven't it is seriously excellent.
As always, really good comments and criticisms. You folks all keep me on my toes and help me keep getting better all the time.
7537177
There's a lot of choices, really. I generally stick to "Goddess" if I have to refer to a deity, though it's kinda vague. I usually have regular ponies say it, which kinda implies they're referring to Celestia. If she says it too, one could assume they're referring to something else, like maybe an old religion that no longer exists, but the phrase remained in common use.
Another possibility is to say "oh my goodness", "oh heavens", "oh my gosh"... your imagination is really the only limit here.
7536675 I tried writing a reply to your comment already so if this is a duplicate, my apologies.
Regarding "Oh Faust!", I know. I find it kind of cheesy myself. If you've got better suggestions I'm more than willing to listen and use them in the future when characters are in extremis. Hell, if it's good enough I'm willing to edit in one of your suggestions.
7537214 Annnnnd done, with my thanks. I think I will use 'Goddess' or 'Goddess Above' from now on.
7536777
It may be true that sending a large contingent of ponies could resolve the matter quickly, but there's no guarantee that a large operation would be successful with minimal casualties. The princesses would want to explore all available options before doing something drastic.
Furthermore, declaring war is a very serious thing, and can have wide-sweeping ramifications that the princesses would probably rather avoid. For example, if Equestria did declare war on the Diamond Dogs and "kicked them while they were down", the Griffons or Minotaurs might view it as the ponies overstepping their authority and character, and may feel threatened and respond in kind.
The way I see it, the princesses giving Twilight their magic was the original plan, should Tirek have escaped. Discord being involved in the situation was more of an ad-lib scenario, so they went with that option first in hopes that he would subdue Tirek before having to resort to Twilight. It obviously didn't play out that way, however.
They must have caught him by surprise in an ambush, and Sombra, along with whichever soldiers/servants he had with him at the time, did not have the bridles on-hand (on-hoof?) when they were attacked by the princesses.
I don't think this is Nightmare Rarity, but merely a persona created by the bridle affecting Rarity. In the dream realm, Valiente is given form to represent her slave identity, as the new personality is starting to gain purchase in Rarity's mind due to the mental conditioning she's being subjected to.
7537203 I actually didn't see you answered this comment yourself, Penault. Whoops!
At any rate, hopefully what I brought to the table brings a different perspective that proves helpful to you.
7536692
It's its....English is my first language...honest!
Or, if Side Slip became unsavory himself. Remember, his initial personality was described as being something of a womanizer...mareizer?
And dammit, you are too good to reply to in detail because of <River Song voice> "spoilers".
*slips into the room and sits quietly...*
What I find most amusing, is neither the story nor the thread here.
It's watching Penalt prance around in real life saying "I'm not going to tell them!"
I wish he'd stop bouncing ideas off my head... I'm getting a headache. But it does mean I get to say "I'm not going to tell you!"
And then... the surprise spankings! "Got you, Twilight!" (It's probably a good thing I'm not writing this )
Wow okay, yeah, I can see why they keep that sort of stuff locked up pretty tight. Though, keeping them around as an anti-Celestia/anti-Luna measure is... of questionable value, given that Celestia and Luna know all about them, and where to reach them/prevent access to them. Celestia's comment about Twi ever having to use it was really cute, though.
I can't wait to see what's behind Door Number Twai, if there is one... I'm betting it's a library full of rare first-edition books she doesn't have copies of. Or Side Slip lounging on a divan with a rose in his teeth.
Interesting to see that Rares has generated a mental ponification of her impending 'other-self'; though I imagine the dark magic involved has something to do with it, too.
7537277 See, I use 'first language' as an excuse, ie. "Hey, English is only my first language!" Everyone's first attempt at something is always terrible, so obviously my first language is, too!
7536692 There's always the very straightforward and completely un-Equestrian solution of simply offing Side Slip. Ponies are so non-pragmatic...
7539348 'person' to 'pony', fair enough. I'm trying to keep interspecies friendly here.
But I am going to keep the 'run' though. Running is a generic term for the different gaits and the show uses it too. 'Running of the leaves' for instance.
this is a very good story so far, I really like the plot even do we haven seen that many so far. I think the premise is very good and I like all the details that you put in describing the how the story is unfolding. I have am not sure if this story is a fetish story or not as or that it is meant to be more serious, it tend to be lean in both ways and I am not sure where you are going with but is is really good so far. I can't wait to see what will come next. By the way how did you do your research to how the dogs brain wash and enslave ponies? Where did you look for it? doesn't it has anything to do with how real mustangs are broken in and trained? I would really like to know.
Ugh, I just had a terrible thought. Twilight might need to seriously consider hiding or destroying the Cutie Map.
7540607
His wife (moi!) has had some extensive first hand experience with what he's writing. I write erotica elsewhere, mostly for the sake of writing, not for the desire to be a paid writer. I'm trying to figure out how this one story I have bouncing around should start and I can't figure it out.
As for the "Bridle Path" tidbits I know... I'm not gonna tell you!
7540607 If you haven't already, read my current blog and the comments therein. It might provide you with some insights. The next chapter, currently being worked on, may provide you with some insights as well.
Stupid Onions. He just sent me a preview. Wifelie privilege means I now need some tissue...
I'm not gonna tell you!
You should make a alternate fic where twilight realize the fail safe before getting the bridle (I want to see her dominating celestia).
this chapter reminded me of a comic book where Batman shows Superman a super-secret room in the Batcave with lots of weapons that are custom-made to handle other members of the Justice League if they turned bad. naturally one was Kryptonite. and one was for Batman, which he gave to Superman. the comic didn't show what it was, but Superman was very shocked.
spoiler: an evil alternate-reality version of Alfred was able to get into that room and steal some Kryptonite...